Silly Quotes and Smart Remarks

Warning: these pages contain adult subjects and profanity and are intended for mature readers. No actual maturity was involved.

We've always had a lot of quotable comments flying around, I didn't always have a chance to write them down. I try to do a better job these days and here's a combined page of them. And I have some Quotes of Antiquity from long before Meetup. And the Monty Python "Cheese Shop" sketch redone as the Game Shop Sketch. And the random "That's what she said!" table. There's also Inside Jokes with some running gags. There's the Mos Eisley Pharmacist and Death Star Janitor and now the Polearm Shop Sketch!

Brittany shared a meme of Fantasy band names on Facebook and I had to add a pile. Chmiel asked me to share it here.

How did I never post this here?! Redneck D&D

Old Quotes from previous games

Current Quotes

I just had to throw out a week of campaign notes, I usually write my stuff longhand on a clipboard
Jim "Back to the drawing board"
JoAnne "Or the clipboard, as it were"

Jim's D&D 5E Kanmorhan Vane
Crydee Travelers
From the character building session:
Brittany "We should play a group of all dwarf bards so we can be a rock band"
Jack "We should play a group of warforged bards so we can be a metal band"
Looking at Zinnius' character traits; "If I dishonor myself, I dishonor my entire family"
Jim "Dishonor on you, dishonor on your family…"
Gala is preparing a spell and someone tells Jack to release chaos
Jack "I prefer to think of it as controlled destruction"
Jace hits a moredhel with Burning Hands
Jack "Disco inferno him"
Brittany "Can that be our team name?"
Nick rolls a 1 for Flynn's Survival skill
Jack "Trees scary"
Making Captain America jokes about Flynn throwing his shield
Jack "This shield won't come back when you throw it"
Jim "That depends on how hard he bounces it off the other guy's head"
Stacy "I was looking at the map for place names and came up with Captain Dimwood"
Discussing that wood elves are thin from poor diet and dark elves are even more gaunt
Brittany "For just two dollars a month, you can feed a dark elf"
Stacy "We need to redistribute the wealth"
Jim "Occupy Elvandar?"
Flynn has used up all of his rages for the day
Brittany <sings> "Despite all my rage…"

Mountain Murders
The party's current employers are from the city of Zun
Stacy "Zun? I'm more partial to the iPod"
Nick "Bill Gates needs love, too"
Discussing the mashed potatoes running gag
Jack "Brittany isn't here, we have to meme for her"
Stacy "Mashed potatoes are my life"
Jim "I didn't know he (Jace) was Irish"
Stacy "He is!"
Discussing archeology
Jack "He doesn't dig it"
The party spots a group of goblins, but Jim didn't have any goblin icons loaded for Roll20 and had to use orcs
Nick "Goblins are just orcs that are still in middle school"
They spot giant bird-like creatures with wingspans over ten feet
Nick "Birds Of Unusual Size"
Jace is knocked out
Stacy "I'm really good at dying"
Chmiel, filling in for Jack "You should change your hobby"
They find an enchanted pearl in a pouch
Nick "I don't know what that means"
Chmiel "It means you have a date to the prom, Sponge Bob"

Death's Service
We were working on leveling characters to third level and Nick was looking at Barbarian Paths in the fan made ("home brew") section of a website
Nick "I thought 'Path of the Homebrew' was making my own beer"
Stacy "It's like Drunken Master"
Chmiel "You throw bottles during a fight"

Journey to the North
Discussing buying new horses, Jim is not sure if Brittany ever made a decision
Jack "She's riding her imaginary horse"
Stacy "Her unicorn?"
Jim "You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're bangin' 'em together!"
Flynn is ambushed by a phase spider
Stacy "Do I hear him scream out in terror?"
Jim "More like manful surprise"
Guessing what monsters may be coming to attack
Jack "No spiders…"
Brittany "Wolves"
Nick and Jack "Spider-wolves"
The orcs attack from up on the hillside
Nick "They have the high ground"
Jack rolls a natural 1 and Gala hits a mule with Firebolt instead of the orc leader
Jack "Flynn was standing in front of two asses; I just hit the wrong one"
Discussing the different languages Orcs might speak; possibly Goblin or Giant
Nick "What is Giant language?
Jack "All caps"
Stacy rolls a 6 for Persuasion
Nick "Your mother was a hamster"

Silent Forest
The party comes to the empty wood elf village and the players are looking at the map
Brittany "We need to knock on ALL the doors…"
Flynn jumps off his horse to do a piledriver on a redcap with his axe
Jim "Do you want to rage?"
Nick "Can I rage in mid-air?"
Jim "Sure, why wouldn't you?"
Describing the meenlock tunnels
Jim "The walls are coated with a secreted resin…" No one got the reference
Discussing treasure
Jim "The hag got away with her treasure"
Brittany "She had a big change purse, like grandmas carry"

Lost in the Mines
Discussing the orc's Sending Stone
Stacy "This phone rocks"
The abandoned mines are gnomish
Stacy "There's gnome mistake about that"
Someone said Flynn was killed by the avalanche, but he was only at zero
Jim "He's only mostly dead"
Stacy "Mostly dead is still partly alive"
Jace is from the town of Loriel
Brittany "The hair shop?"
Jim "That's why Jace is so pretty"
A group of hags is a coven, or…
Jack "A haggle of hags"
Stacy "A gaggle of hags? A gaggle of gags?"
Brittany "No. Denied"
Raaha is hit with two Lightning Bolts
Brittany "She is shocked"
Stacy "The battle came to an electrifying conclusion"
Raaha's genie quest item is a harp
Chmiel, stealing Brittany's microphone "A medieval band playing harps are Harpies…"
Jack "Brittany, lose a chip for letting Mike say that"
Stacy "Call the harpy band 'Wings' "
Jim "We're just stringing it along, I'll make a note"
Stacy "All jokes fall flat"
Discussing beholder biology and that they are asexual
Stacy "If a beholder was bisexual, would it be a Bi-holder?"
Jim "Stacy, lose a chip"

Homecoming
Flynn is still turned to stone
Brittany "Stone Cold Steve Austin"
Stacy "I don't think Stone Cold had abs as rock hard as Flynn's"
Zinnius has a zero bonus for Intelligence, Religion and Arcana
Brittany "I'm bird brained"
Stacy "I've never experienced a demon in real life"
Nick "You've never worked at Home Depot"
The party is living it up in town after three months north of the mountains
Stacy "I don't get black out drunk, that's not cool. Plus, I'm Irish"
Jim "So you have advantage on rolls vs drinking?"
Talking about what to go shopping for
Stacy "Spyglass"
Brittany "Nunchucks. Spyglass-nunchucks"
Describing the strange, two-toed monster tracks
Brittany "Were-turkeys"
Zinnius is knocked out, then Gala shoots Flynn in the back twice in a row
Nick "Zinnius did the right thing, checking out"
Stacy "You guys are killing me"
Jim "No, we're killing Flynn"
Nick, with Flynn down to 33 HP "I was at 52 <HP> when Jack started his turn"
Flynn has a demon left to fight
Jim "Bad guy in front of you"
Jack, talking about Gala "And a bad guy behind you"
Jim "You're just a dumb guy"
Sam moves Raaha up
Jim "You can get between Flynn and Gala"
Jack "Please"
Raaha opens a door to reveal a very large demon
Brittany, squeaky panicked voice "Close the door, close the door!"
The demon hits the party with a spell effect to frighten them and Flynn fails even in barbarian rage
Jack "You're mad at how scared you are"
Stacy "It makes you scangry"
Discussing again Jack's double botch/party hit being unrivalled in Jim's long career
Jack "Infamous is better than famous"
Jim "Because it has more letters?"
Describing the Wand of Fire
Stacy "That's the prettiest piece of wood I've seen"
Jim "That's what she said"
Jack "My conscience is the strong, silent type"
Ry returns with a platoon of guards, but that's not what JoAnne heard in the next room…
Jo "Did you say tuna guards?"
Sam "You have fish people guarding your castle"

Island Invasion
Discussing how to get onto Queg, Jim says he came up with seven ways, but so far the party has only come up with six
Sam "Number seven is just knock"
The party will have forged papers with Gala as Jace's wife
Stacy "Now we just have to get married"
Jack "Take me to church"
Stacy "The honeymoon is in Queg"
Rolling for Zinnius to use the Teleport scroll
Stacy "You teleport a fly with you"
The party is breaking in during a rain storm so everyone is wet
Brittany "The rain runs right off my feathers"
Jim "You're not a duck"
Jack "I'm going to fix that" Uses Prestidigitation cantrip to dry everyone
Brittany "I thought you were going to turn me into a duck"
The party comes to a heavy, locked door
Jack "Hey Flynn! Knock…"
Talking about the Draugmkelder
Stacy "Is it a rave light?
Brittany "It's like CBD, it makes you calm and sleep"
Jack "CBD stands for Circlet of Burning Dope"
The raptors are trained to accept commands
Jack "Sit, roll over, disembowel"
Discussing that yes, there have always been dinosaurs in D&D
Brittany <sings> "Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, riding on a dinosaur"
The party makes a mistake
Brittany "One of the classic blunders"
Discussing Jack's destructive tendencies and how his characters are hard on innocent bystanders
Jack "I just blew up the dock this time"
Brittany "Like last time"
Jack "Shut up"
Stacy is still trying to salvage a negotiation out of the dock debacle
Nick "I cut a guard in half, I think the time for diplomacy is over"

Revenge
Discussing the geography of the Trollhome Mountains and where Zinnius is from
Sam "Tell me of your homeland"
Jim "Tell me of your homeland, Usul"
The beni-Qamar merchant family ship lumber, spices and food to Queg
Brittany "He who controls the spice…"
Talking about ideas for the next campaign, and having lots of bards
Sam "Everyone but Jack could be a bard and we could have a barbershop quartet"
Jim "A BARDershop quartet"
Describing the intricate and baroque Arabian architecture in LiMeth
Stacy "If it's not baroque, don't fix it"
Talking about what to do with one of the guards they have to take out to get in
Nick "We're going to have to Weekend at Bernie's him"
How smart are the guards?
Sam "This is the night crew, though"
Describing the poor cookware in the servant's kitchen
Brittany "There's no salt in the box" referring to the crappy apartment Jim rented on vacation.
al-Beshara pukes up the coin with Silence on it
Brittany "You'll have to find another hole to put it in…"
Nick "That's the only hole I want to shove it in"

Dragon's Cave
Discussing Chicago style foods
Nick "Chicago is to New York like Scotland is to Ireland"
Jack "I'm an artificer; I craft my own alibis"
Zinnius casts Lightning Arrow and hits a cyclops
Jim "He's hurt"
Brittany "Did he take an arrow to the knee?"
The cyclops has one hit point left, Brittany has Zinnius' horse buck and kick the cyclops to kill it
Brittany "Team Clomp and Stomp"
Jim "I thought you were Disco Inferno"
The ranger is looking for a good spot to set up to spy on the cave entrance
Jim "Ok, make…(pauses in thought)
Brittany "Oh God…"
Brittany "What do I know about trolls?"
Jack "They like Rick Astley"
Nick hits the button on his mechanical pencil and two inches of lead shoots out
Jim "A little excited there?"
Nick moves his character Flynn in between two others so he can attack
Jim and Sam "In it to win it"
Nick "In like Flynn''

Demons Remember
The villains attack
Nick "Time to do some murder"
An enemy warlock hurls an Eldritch Blast at Raaha
Sam "Oh, you want to have a Blast-off?"
Taking bits from the demon, they cut off a wing
Jack "They're good with hot sauce"
Jim "They make their own sauce"
Brittany "Flats or drums?"
Nick "Hello, Wizards of the Coast? Are demon wings flats or drums?"
Camping in the mountains, the party hears troll mating calls
Nick "Ah yes, ever since that one night in college"
Jack "Should we go find danger? Jim keeps mentioning danger"
Jim "I have plenty of danger"
Jack "Danger will find us"
Talking about one of those silly "What if" questions, would you rather be nine inches tall or eleven feet tall?
Jack "Size doesn't matter"
Jim "Unless you get stepped on"
Jack's bad rolls are worse than ever
Jack "I'm changing dice, changing hands, changing religion"
Brittany "Can I roll for Jack?"
One of the archer figures has a "w" for warlock, they started calling him "Wesley"
Jack "He's an archer; he's Wesley Snipes…"
They come to a large, circular shrine
Jack "The most demonic thing is geometry"
A Wall of Fire blocks their way
Brittany "Can I sneak around the fire, does it roll against my stealth?"
The demon lord's avatar calls Flynn "Kinslayer" and asks if he has brought the other adventurers here to betray them
Brittany "You've got some 'splaining to do…"

Speaker to Elves
Discussing Gala shooting Flynn in the back multiple times
Chmiel "Sounds like a real back story"
Adolphus asks what the party has been up to since he last saw them
Brittany "I pull out a list as long as a CVS receipt"
The orcs have been hitting Gala with arrows
Chmiel "I'm walking around with four arrows in my chest"
Brittany "Not to the knee?"
Chmiel "No, I'm still an active adventurer"
Discussing what elves offer their guests as a meal, since they live in deep forests with little or no farmland
Nick "What do elves eat?"
Stacy "Avocado toast"
Chmiel "Have you seen the gift shop in an elven forest? Top fucking notch. The t-shirts even fit after you wash them"
Describing the old elven general whose battle wounds include a missing eye, fingers and half of an ear
Brittany "Part of an ear? Flynn's been here"

Pierce the Blackveil
Jack "Fate kicked me"
Nick "As it does"
Jack "You can't stop me"
Jim "Ohhh?"
Brittany "Why, why?"
Jack "I can cast Fireball at the front door"
Brittany "Knock hard"
Sam "Candygram"
The skeleton dodges
Jack "Can't rattle his bones"
The skeleton is still standing, some of the moredhel are standing back up as zombies
Jack "I don't like all this standing"
Jim "So you use Animate Object to make chairs?"

Jim's D&D 5E Beginners' Game
Bandits at Brewersbridge
The party is a cleric, paladin, sorcerer, and a monk
Brittany "We have three spellcasters and all I can do is hit people with a stick"
Questioning the rescued prisoners about the bandits
Katya "Did they get any sense of the group dynamics of the bandits?"
Jack "You're a psychology major, aren't you?"
Discussing using psychology against the bandits
Jim "Now go away, or I will analyze you a second time"

Ghost Tower
Before the game, discussing Sam's character on Facebook
Sam "My name will be Capote Voila, AKA Pancho's cousin on the elf side"
Jim "You get a chip. And a facepalm"
Sam "YAY. I gotta give Nick most of the credit, though, haha"
Jim "He gets the facepalm, you keep the chip"
Chmiel's halfling can play the lute
Chmiel "My stage name is Lutecris"
(There was more in that vein, but one was bad enough)
Sam "I want to do something fun, I talk shit to the ghosts. Dissonant Whispers"

Liartians in Rye
The first round of combat, Jim rolled a natural 20 for Druka, then Evan got one for Chatterfang. Then it was Sam's turn
Jim "If you roll a natural 20, I'm throwing in the towel"
Sam rolls a natural 20, Jim throws up his hands and gives everyone a white chip. Evan gives Sam a blue chip
Nick was asking questions about Laying on Hands and Jim repeated the discussion that it had to be hands, you can't head butt or teabag someone
Evan "So that's what people are trying to do online; they're trying to heal you"
The first Liartian priest in the alley is knocked out
Evan "Teabag him"
The party sets off the thunder Glyph of Warding which also serves as an alarm and are deciding what to do, go on or retreat
Sam "We could run away; Ding Dong Ditch"
Sam is considering casting Shatter, but doesn't want to collapse the sewer and cause damage or injury to people living above
Nick "We're in the Poor Quarter, <waves dismissingly> nothing important"
Talking about how when the bear takes enough damage, Chatterfang will return to human form. Sam botches and Capote hits the bear with a Firebolt
Evan, marking down damage "Still a bear"
Trying to deflect the Liartian's Spiritual Weapon spell, could they grab it with Mage Hand and hit the bad guy with his own spell?
Evan "Stop hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself?"

Foxglove Fall
The village seems empty
Evan "Sounds like there's houses to loot"
Jack rolls a 1 for a knowledge roll
Jim "You know nothing Jon Snow"
Katya gets a fantastic stealth roll while Invisible
Jim "You are the breeze" and she's talking about pickpocketing "The wind took my wallet"
Jack's paladin grapples the child who radiates magic and punches "her"
Jack "I'm describing grappling and beating a child"
Trying to get the creature disguised as a child to reveal itself
Sam "I could cast Compelled Duel on a child"
The "child" has taken way more damage than an 11 year old girl could withstand and Strethwood's god hasn't punished him for attacking a child
Katya "We're on the right track; keep beating the child"
The "little girl" reveals itself to be an elderly male satyr and they interrogate him
Evan "I will make you my personal dartboard"
Talking about healing the "child"
Jack "I will not Lay Hands on a child"
Jim "So you're not Catholic?"
Talking about exchanging the satyr back for the missing girl
Sam "We want to re-home him"
Describing the countryside, Brittany wants to know what kind of trees there are and Jim laughs
Jack "I give Brittany a chip for making Jim laugh because you're an arborist"
The magic sword has lightning designs and does thunder damage
Brittany "It's a Thor sword; a thword"
Which led to lots of jokes about "thwinging your thword", etc.
The Horn of Valhalla is a Thor horn, so…
Evan "You take the thword, I'll take the thorn"

Night Terrors
The party is talking to the town's dwarven sheriff
Jim "Don't make me channel Clint Eastwood into the sheriff; 'I know what you're thinking; did he fire five crossbow bolts or six? To be honest I'm not sure myself. So you have to ask yourself…' "
Jack "Do you have the Lucky perk?"
Chatterfang casts Speak with Plants
Evan "My first question is 'Where is the Lorax?' "
The town was attacked by a wolf, a werewolf and some kind of undead
Evan "A wolf, a werewolf, and a zombie walk into a bar"
They are facing vampires
Brittany "Nobody touch the vampire, nobody hug the vampire, nobody have sex with the vampire"