Warning: these pages contain adult subjects and profanity and are intended for mature readers. No actual maturity was involved.
We've always had a lot of quotable comments flying around, I didn't always have a chance to write them down. I try to do a better job these days and here's a combined page of them. And I have some Quotes of Antiquity from long before Meetup and Inside Jokes that came up in games. There's also Other Funny Stuff, a page of related jokes.
Old Quotes from previous games
Everyday conversations with cats
Pun Battles
Current Quotes
Personal Quotes
Discussing the various Dutch cruise ships we've seen in Bar Harbor like the Maasdam and Volendam
JoAnne "But not the Gundam"
Jim also mentions the Zuiderdam
JoAnne "Did you say Zoidberg?"
I had been doing lots of movie quotes since I spent two days at work talking with a much younger coworker about great old films. I was headed out to the grocery
JoAnne "Bye"
Jim "You don't seem too broken up that I'm leaving"
JoAnne <waves dismissively> "Take your quotes and go"
Discussing it was still too cold to go hiking
Jim "It will never be in the Olympics, but sitting on the couch in your pajamas all day is a winter activity"
JoAnne "I could totally medal in that"
I was talking to a coworker about his game, and how they found a genie that granted them three wishes
Eric S. "So we rubbed the gravy boat…"
Jim's Kobolds Ate My Baby!
Bride for King Torg(All Hail King Torg!)
Discussing rain
Jack "A little rain never hurt anyone. Wait…"
Jim "Noah would like a word with you"
Side discussion about the French polevaulter who hit his junk on the bar
Brittany "And link provided"
Jack "Attachment below"
Brittany "There's an attachment below…"
Looking at the map of a stream with a bridge
Brittany "A bridge? Is there a troll? Oh, shit…"
The troll throws a rock at the four kobolds
Brittany "Just four Beatles crossing Abbey Road with rock"
Katya "You're on fire"
Brittany "I'm on a roll"
After game discussion about druid wildshape and the choice to have your gear morph into your new body or fall to the ground
Jim "You could turn into a bug and fly away and have your empty clothes fall like Obi-Wan when Vader kills him"
Brittany "Wait, what?"
Jim "At the end of Star Wars Episode 4"
Brittany "I've never seen the whole thing"
Jim, dumbfounded "You, with your encyclopedic knowledge of old movies, haven't seen all of STAR WARS?"
Jim's Cyberpunk 2020 Bahamas Extraction
Picking characters, the "fighter" class are called "solos"
Jack "You'll have to solo it"
Playing off Sam's character, it was suggested characters' last names be type of metal + body part
Brittany "I am Ethel Coppertoes"
Jim "Sounds like a gnome name"
Brittany "Ethel Platinumtoes"
Jack and Jim "Expensive gnome name"
Some of the characters have smart guns
Brittany "Smartgun talks to you"
Jack "Alexa, shoot this guy"
Brittany "They went to gun Harvard"
Discussing the resort
Brittany "Criminal Hotel"
JoAnne "Isn't that prison?"
Jack "Motel Six"
NPC boat smuggler is nicknamed "Fishbreath"
Nick "Someone gave her that name"
Brittany "She likes sushi, what can she say"
Brittany's D&D 5E Bandit Rescue
The first fight is between the Barbarian and Monk versus two bandits
Brittany "Barbarian and Monk; sounds like a TV show"
Jack is trying to figure out how to activate the trap to set it off
Jim "You activate the trap, I'll be back here ready to heal you"
Jim's cleric heals Jack's barbarian back to full
Brittany "We'll have to fix that"
Jim "Spoken like a true DM"
Brittany was constantly apologizing and saying "sorry" for being slow and also all the rooms had wall sconces for lighting
Brittany "When I apologize, I'm really saying sconce"
Jack realized Jim was using the dice he favors when he DMs
Jack "You're using your DM dice; that's cheating"
Jim "But I'm using them for you, not against you"
Jack "That's right, objection withdrawn"
The cardstock mini of the cultist had green spell flame on one hand, but Katya thought it looked more like a cartoon of something smelly
Katya "There's something wrong with his hand"
Brittany "He hasn't washed it"
Jack's D&D 5E Silver Mountain
We had a Kenku (bird person) and Tabaxi (cat person)
Jim "We should have a werewolf character so we can have a dog chasing a cat chasing a bird"
Evan "Our group is named 'The Food Chain' "
Sam tips the potion seller
Jack "I can buy food for my cat"
Sam "I'm a cat; you can feed me"
Katya "He's not taking any strays"
An old evil spirit is threatening to break free
Sam "I hate when I wake up an eldritch deity"
Brittany "It puts a real damper on your day"
Jack "You sense a presence"
Jim "That you haven't felt in a long time"
Jack is explaining his plot
Katya "I appreciate the psychology of it"
Jack "I don't play on the table, I play up here" <taps his temple>
Sam's druid is in tiger form and is trying to detect a shadow by smell
Evan "What does a shadow smell like?"
Katya "The night"
Jack's D&D 5E Sea of the Seamless Sky
Jack "Does anyone have any questions, concerns, small riots?"
Brittany "Will this be on the test?"
The dream says "I will meet you at the edge of the shore of the Sea of the Seamless Sky"
Brittany "The Utah salt flats"
Sam "The mormons are coming"
Brittany "Snakes don't have to feet to dance with; they can't tango"
In the dream, the face broke up into yellow stars
Jim "They're emojis"
Jim is willing to shoot the guide to stop him, knowing they can heal him
Jack "I love creating a moral dilemma; it's not even a child"
The scorpion botches and rolls max damage when it hits itself
Jack "Fuck, it killed itself!"
Dahlia smites the unconscious villain into the sacrificial well
Brittany "You're an asshole, and you died in an asshole, because it looks like an asshole"
Jim's D&D 5E Serpents of Oran
Dead End
Evan signs on to Discord and he still has the tropical island cartoon background from when we played Cyberpunk
Evan "Oops, I didn't know it would do that"
Thorn is a Tabaxi (cat person)
Brittany "Are you Puss 'n Boots?"
Jim "He does have a rapier"
Thorn attacks the the other Tabaxi, Cadence, in a "cat fight"
Sam "Get the water bottle"
Brittany "I use Prestidigitation to spray them with water"
Nick "I wade in and pick them both up by the scruff of their necks"
Thorn is injured and Andre heals him
Nick "I Lay on Hands"
Brittany "Are you going to pet the cat?"
Nick "This group seems in need of moral guidance"
Evan "Thanks, dad"
The weather is cold
Katya "This is an opportunity to fortify my body"
Jim "With brandy"
Jack "They say you can't find happiness at the bottom of a bottle, but I found power instead"
Jim "You see crows circling"
Brittany "Did I do that?"
Jim "Not Urkeling"
What to do if Jack's bearfolk dies
Jim "Don't worry, we'll taxidermy you"
Jack <affronted> "You can't make me into a bear skin rug!"
Jack "Druids are just clerics of the woods"
Telflamm Inquiries
Jack arrives a little sleepy
Jack "I had a really good nap; I think I'm still in it"
He also bought a bear attack shirt.
Discussing Sam's character Kiri and the missing child Nyvana that no one, including her parents, remembers
Jack "Ah, middle child syndrome"
Discussing character back stories and comparing the last campaign and this one
Jim "We had too many mom and dad issues last campaign
Jack "I specified I didn't have parents so I wouldn't have parent issues"
Jim "Challenge accepted"
Talking about how tall Andre and Mirag are
Sam "Everyone who meets you says the same thing; 'Give uppies?' "
Talking about how big the Shou Town (fantasy Chinatown) part of the city is
Nick "Is there little trouble there?
Discussing Andre's appearance
Brittany "Do you look like Thanos?"
Jim "Yes, with a big red beard"
Brittany "Thor and Thanos; Thornos"
Discussing Mirag's bearfolk, is he a bear turned into a humanoid, or a person stuck halfway into bear form, or some kind of werebear?
Sam "You can't just ask someone why they're a bear"
Discussing magical artifacts
Brittany "Are there fantasy museums?"
Nick "Knock, knock, it's the British"
Nick's character is drinking dwarven fire whiskey with Rafael
Katya "My alcohol senses are tingling"
We were playing online and Jim was having connection issues and asked for people to tell him when he cuts out
Nick "We need a safe word"
Jim "The safe word is bananas"
Looking for the men who drugged and kidnapped Caeli
Sam "If I was some random dudes, where would I take a drugged lady?"
Andre immediately throws down with the barbarian kidnappers
Nick "I woke up and chose violence"
Talking about how Katya has been rolling really well for initiative but got the first botch/hit a team mate on Nick
Jim "Katya has monk speed"
Katya "If only my attacks would hit"
Sam "Hit the right people"
Evan uses Thorn's tabaxi heightened movement
Jim "You just got the zoomies"
Road Rage
Jack has another Bear Shirt
Brittany chooses Detect Thoughts for Caeli.
Jack "Great time to play Two Truths and a Lie"
Jim "Also known as a Tinder Profile"
Mirag stole a Ring of Invisibility
Jack "Invisibility has a lot of "I"s in it"
Discussing how big Mirag and Andre are and that they give full cover to people behind them
Jim "You have graduated from 'Meat Shield' to 'Meat Wall' "
Brittany moving Caeli up to attack
Brittany "Can I Message Jack 'On your left' ?"
Jack "Don't you meme me"
Over the Hills, Through the Woods
Crossing into the Great Dale is easy, the border patrols are present, but relaxed
Brittany "It's like entering Canada"
Spotting treants watching them
Evan "Does anyone have Speak with Plants?"
Katya "If I'm drunk enough"
Brittany "Can I cast Message?"
What languages do Treants speak?
Jack "You have to bark at them"
The inn is the Weeping Willow
Evan "Across the street is a training dojo called the Whomping Willow"
Jack "And a doctor's office called The Poor Sap"
The party comes to the bearfolk village and a group of bearfolk come out to challenge/greet them. Looking at Jim's minis, there was one with a great axe, the Bar-bear-ian. Another with a skull, Shakes-bear. One had a giant stone hammer, he was MC Ham-bear. One had a blueish tint, he was Blu-bear-y, and one had a gentle look, he was Pooh-bear.
Brittany "Is this the Country Bear Jamboree?"
Jack "It's a bear knuckle fight"
Someone rolled to hit and just made it
Jim "You barely hit" <groans> "Sorry, I didn't mean to pun"
What does the evil presence at the Great Barrow feel like?
Jim "It's less 'I'm going to kill you', more just 'get off my lawn' "
Talking about the possibility of a half-bear, half-dragon
Jim "When a bear and a dragon love each other very much…"
Evan "What would that even look like?"
JoAnne "You've seen Shrek, right?"
Jack finds a picture online.
Jack "That's how my character ends the campaign"
Jim "Okay!"
The bearfolk at the second village greet the party with weapons instead of the usual brawling ceremony
Jim "The villagers are… armed for bear…"
Nick "That's unbearable"
Evan "I can bearly stand this anymore"
Jack "It's a grizzly situation"
Nick "Sorry to to be the bearer of bad news"
Jack "I stab you first"
The village is under attack
Nick "That must be a huge tack"
The monster is intelligent, it speaks to and taunts its victims
Nick "I'm glad it's intelligent so it can fear me"
Mirag will be bait
Jack "I prefer the term 'tactical distraction' "
Sam "Can I pour a potion down down Thorn's throat?"
Nick "You have to put it in a saucer"
Evan "Can I have a treat after taking my medicine?"
Jim's dragon is hitting the party hard
Jim "The DM is a dick"
Jack "Is there any new information?"
Fiend Followers
Talking about Caeli's Detect Thoughts spell
Nick "You can do a sick burn; 'I can detect thoughts and I don't detect anything from you' "
The evil warlock looks pretty badass
Nick "Not going to be so tough when his head's on my saddlebag"
Lost at Sea
Talking about charging plague victims for magical healing
Evan "Extort the victims"
Jim "Overcharge is the preferred term"
Sam "Just like the US healthcare system"
Talking about the nice inn the party is staying at
Jim "The terrible thing would be Jack's character being shown to his room and it has a bearskin rug"
How do bearfolk feel about bears?
Jim "Do they feel about bears like people feel about monkeys?"
Sam "Put them in a zoo"
Which led to a discussion of how much humans and monkeys DNA has in common
Evan "We share 70% of DNA with lettuce"
Katya "Depends on the person"
Discussing a meme Jim saw for the Bag of Scolding
Evan "Chanel makes a new Bag of Holding"
If Mirag could pretend to be a normal bear, could Thorn pretend to be a pet cat?
Nick "You say the word 'meow' out loud"
Andre buys a Potion of Haste, the Tyr church has a ceremonial sparring tradition to ask for entry to the church
Nick "I'm going to use the Haste potion to demolish the church greeter"
The ship with the paladins was lost at sea, does the party want to take passage on a ship going the same route?
Sam "I'm afraid of these waters; it's the Bermuda Triangle of the Forgotten Realms"
Jim 'What are you doing the next morning?"
Katya "Drinking"
The party agrees to help gather ingredients for the plague cure
Jim "The railroad conductor says thank you, all aboard the plot railroad"
Sam "Choo-choo"
Plague Presentation
Brittany "I feel like there's three groups after us"
Jack "For your mental health, it's best not to count them"
The party had visited Telflamm, where they are exiled from the city proper
Sam "We can be exiled from every town on the map"
Jim "Please do not say 'Challenge Accepted!' "
About Mirag's new tower shield
Jim "He has a big ass shield"
Brittany "Why do you have a shield for your ass?"
Jim got onto a side tangent about baby names, quoting an article that the new trend is aggressive names and someone named their baby 'Arson'
Katya "He has a bright future"
Jack "They named him 'Perjury', but it didn't stick"
Kiri casts Healing Word and Sam rolls a 1
Nick "Could be worse…Actually it couldn't"
Nick "Would you like a pamphlet?"
Mother Quest
Discussing Sorcerers' battle plans
Jack "Sorcerers are NNBC; Never Not Be Casting"
Normally, the default answer for a wizard is "I cast Fireball!", but Caeli has Lightning Bolt, so…
Brittany "I cast Lightning Bolt!"
Jim "In a tavern?"
Brittany "Then I cast Shatter"
Jim "Oooh…"
Which led to us explaining to Katya and Evan how Jack's first character, a Lawful Good cleric, went to prison for manslaughter.
The quest is described
Jack "We're rescuing children…
Caeli is a Dragonblood Half-Elf
Brittany "I'm a scaly human elf"
The party is discussing approaching the keep stealthily under Mirag's Pass without a Trace spell
Jim "Bear in mind, it's night" Pause "<groan> BEAR in mind"
Jack gets a bad initiative roll, which we call "cleric speed"
Jim "I know why you roll poorly; you're a druid, that's a kind of cleric"
Jack "I'm only half-druid" (Mirag multiclassed into fighter)
Jim "What, you're only druid on your mother's side?"
Lots of githyanki charge the party
Katya "More people to beat up"
Nick "Sounds like Potion of Haste time"
Undead Invasion
I showed them a giant map from Dyson.
Jack "Jim, I think you're confused. This is clearly a circuit diagram for a calculator.😆"
Nick "HOooly"
Then I showed them another, that they printed out on a giant roll of paper
Katya "When the map is big enough for you to LARP on the map itself"
Jack "What did we say about summoning evil?"
Jim "You called?"
There is a well in the town square
Brittany "Well, well, well"
Nick "Gah"
Jim "It's the Pit of Despair"
Evan "Maybe if you saw three wells"
The locals don't trust Kiri
Sam "Burn the witch!" and "Banned from another town"
Sam "Is it obvious Andre is a paladin?"
Nick "My knuckle tattoos of "Honor" and "Justice" didn't give me away?"
Sam "They asked somebody else to verify me <as a cleric>"
Jack "That's how religious wars start"
Nick "This is why you should carry pamphlets"
Caeli kills a zombie with Shatter and Andre is covered in zombie bits
Nick "I have never felt more like a paladin"
Chmiel <off Brittany's mike> "It's raining men"
Mirag is going to move from Druid, into Fighter, then Barbarian
Sam "The most interesting bear in the world"
Jim "BarBEARian"
Homecomings
Talking about the innate magic of sorcerers
Nick "The magic is in you already"
Brittany "Your magic is the friends we make along the way"
Talking about Caeli’s training
Jack "I keep hearing Palpatine; 'Your training is almost complete' "
What did Mirag and Kiri think about Caeli’s meeting?
Jack "I wasn't too concerned"
Brittany "Then I don't tell him shit"
Visiting Risa's monastery, the Temple of the Potent Vintage
Jim "I almost named it the Temple of the Two Drink Minimum"
The monastery produces wines and whiskeys
Jim "They have a well rounded bar menu"
Brittany "Because of the grapes…"
Summer is starting and Mirag's fur makes him warm
Sam "Does he need to be shaved down?"
Caeli’s brother shows up to kill her
Brittany "Oh, fuck!"
Andre is having his warhorse attack the bad guys
Nick "I tell my horse the bad guys taste like apples"
Jim "The horse says 'These guys don't taste like apples; they taste like chicken!' "
Discussing plans to infiltrate Thay
Jim "You can be circus performers. Andre is the strongman, Caeli the psychic medium, Kiri is a minstrel, Risa is an acrobat, Thorn is a trick shooter, and Mirag is the dancing bear."
The other adventurers aren't invited to Kiri's dinner with her former employers
Jim "They're afraid Mirag and Thorn will shed on the furniture"
Thayan Invasion
I realized I had been overcharging Andre and undercharging Mirag for food costs
Jack "I'm getting skinny over here"
Again discussing sneaking into Thay
Katya, about Thorn "This is my emotional support Tabaxi"
Evan "MEOW"
Can they shave Andre so he looks less like a giant dwarf?
Nick "A dwarf without a beard is sacrilege"
Which led us into a side discussion about female dwarves with beards
Discussing Mirag's anger issues while raging
Evan "We can all agree Cocaine Bear was a weird movie"
Bargaining for potions
Jack " 'I'll give you ten' 'Ten gold?' 'Ten seconds to get out' "
Again with disguising Mirag
Jack "I can put a saddle on and pretend to be a mount"
Jim "No saddle, they just ride you BEAR-back"
Caeli disguises herself as a half-Shou fighter and gives a fake name, Mei Chao
Nick "Fake-li"
Evan "Mei-li. You can change it around to Chow-mei"
Jim "You said 'Mei-li' and I thought 'Melee" "
Attacked by manticores, which are flying half-lions
Nick "Is this a pride, or a flock"
Jim "I looked it up, it's a volley of manticores"
Discussing the path though the mountains
Sam "She'll be coming around the mountains…"
Looking for cover in the foothills
Sam "Are there any areas of greenery, shrubbery?"
Jim "Shrubbery?"
We got onto a discussion of other bearfolk adventurers, or a pirate bearfolk. Sam found a picture of a Scottish Bearfolk in a kilt with a peg leg
Jack "My character loses his leg"
Jim stares warningly at him
Jack "I know about giving you ideas"
Jim "I can totally make that happen. I have a monster planned for a game that can bite your leg right off"
Rolling for Survival to find the way. Nick rolls well
Jim "Andre can find the way to evil"
Katya rolls a natural 20
Katya "I can find evil in my sleep"
There's a well in the town
Katya "We can throw them in the well"
Brittany "Well, what do we have here?"
The skeletons are kept in a shed
Katya "Lock the door and set it on fire"
Brittany "Holy fire"
Kiri cleaned out a potion shop last session
Katya "The shopkeeper gave her a rewards card"
Fighting the skeletons
Katya "Let's rattle some bones"
Evan is figuring out Thorn's move
Brittany "He's calculating, CATulating"
Chasing the Red Wizard
Katya "I think it would be fun attuning to the Giggling Orbs"
The party arrives in Farrain
Jim "People look at you like 'What's this?' "
Brittany "What's this parade?"
Jack is going to have Mirag wildshape
Jack "Should I turn into a squirrel in a town full of cats?"
The party attacks the old man, sure he's the red wizard
Jack "We're beating up an old man"
Evan "Give us your 401K"
Jim "You already robbed his house, so I think he did"
Trying to talk to the red wizard
Jack "We've been trying to reach you about your extended warranty"
Clearing the Temple
Brittany is tired from her overnight job
Brittany "I just need more sleep"
Katya "You've needed more sleep for the last three years"
Coming up with names for the three powerful hags
Brittany "Hagatha, Hagmantha…"
Talking about Orac
Brittany "He's like Clippy"
Jim "No, not Clippy"
Kiri finally realizes Nyvana may be fey
Jack "Sometimes it's important to punch children"
Jim "Is a fey duck a feyke?"
Brittanny "It's a fuck. A flying fuck"
Nick "I want to flirt with Jack, but I don't have Animal Handling"
Fighting the false priestess' handmaids, dressed as nuns
Nick "I'm tired of this nunsense"
Someone says something about the battle with the Voice and her servants being pretty severe
Jim "You haven't even met the boss yet…"
Breaking the Stone
Discussing paper minis before the game
Jim "I think I have the right demon in my bag"
JoAnne "You have a demon bag?"
Telling the players about the huge changes made to the adventure the morning of the game
Jack "It's like the Ship of Theseus; if Jim changes all the words, is it the same adventure?"
Brittany is considering casting Detect Thoughts
Nick "What's the vibe?"
Katya rolls very high for Perception
Jim "Katya, you see…"
Nick "Everything, the future"
Thorn fires poisoned arrows from his bow
Brittany "Spicy arrows"
Evan moves Thorn up to melee range
Evan "I'm going to punish him"
Jim "It's not that kind of dungeon"
Katya "Psychic damage"
Jim "We're not evil, just highly motivated"
There's a monster in the lake
Brittany "Kraken part 2, the Snacken, a small kraken"
Jim's plan was the beholder and demon would attack each other
Jim "Make them have a kaiju battle"
Mirag has become the dracobear, Jack was joking about taking a level of bard
Evan "You don't need to multi-class into bard to seduce a dragon"
