Silly Quotes and Smart Remarks

Warning: these pages contain adult subjects and profanity and are intended for mature readers. No actual maturity was involved.

We've always had a lot of quotable comments flying around, I didn't always have a chance to write them down. I try to do a better job these days and here's a combined page of them. And I have some Quotes of Antiquity from long before Meetup. And the Monty Python "Cheese Shop" sketch redone as the Game Shop Sketch. And the random "That's what she said!" table. There's also Inside Jokes with some running gags. There's the Mos Eisley Pharmacist and Death Star Janitor and now the Polearm Shop Sketch!

Old Quotes from previous games

Current Quotes

Jim's D&D 5E Cult of Madness
It Began in a Tavern
Jack's dwarf slides down the ravine so gracefully, he looked like he was skiing
Jack "Have you ever seen a dwarf ski?
Chmiel "Is he Polish?"
Realizing the "orc kidnappers" are actually humans
Chmiel "They're trying to start a war"
Brittany "It's like The Princess Bride!"
Jim <pompous noble voice> "Clearly, this was done by agents of Guilder!"

Orc Ruins
Describing the Open Lands north of the Eight Kingdoms
Jim "Ruled by petty warlords, retired adventurers"
Stacy "It's Florida"
Following the orcs' trail
Nick "Trailer Park Orcs"
Telling the new players about Caite's Tinder comment
Stacy "It came, it saw, it swiped left"
The thunder storm will cover the sound of their attack on the orcs
Stacy "They won't hear the bodies drop"
Brittany <sings> "Let the bodies hit the floor, hit the floor"
Stacy's rogue is away from the party and badly injured by an orc with a battle axe. She tries making bird noises to attract help
Stacy "Cacaw, cacaw"
Jim "Sounds like a bird with an axe in it"
Brittany "<snorts>"
Discussing the evolution of Dungeons and Dragons from its roots in miniature wargames, like Napoleonic era and medieval games
Nick "Napoleon, he did live action wargaming"
The party finds a group of ghouls that are opening crypts to eat the dead
Stacy "Ooh, I love graverobbing!"
Brittany and Stacy "Hey ghoulfriend!"
Discussing what vulnerabilities ghouls have, they are not affected by running water like vampires are
Jack "Waterboarding is not an option"
The party is attacked by giant crabs
Jack "Who lied on their health form?"

Enter the Warlocks
Discussing where in town to go for food
Stacy "We should go to Little Teebra" (Teebra is the halfling nation)
Jim "Isn't 'Little' redundant?"
The tavern is the 'Lusty Dryad'; the sign is a sexy nymph
Jack "I'm not going to judge, but how are their roots?"
Stacy "Does the moss match their leaves?"
Jim does a corny Scottish accent for the dwarf smith
Jim "I'm maintaining Lee's tradition that all dwarves are Scottish"
The bad guys and Anna are hit by Hudora's Sleep Spell
Stacy "Would that be a short rest?"
Jack "It would only be a short rest if it hit me <the dwarf>"
The party casts multiple Thunderwave and a Shatter spell in the same battle
Jack "We should name this party 'Rolling Thunder' "
Sam was reading the book and laughs
Sam "I thought it said 'Defensive Taco; it's 'Defensive Tactics' "
Stacy "You give it to the other side <to eat>, and they're stuck on the toilet"
Jack "It raises your AC, and by that I mean Active Constipation"
Fighting some war dogs
Jack "We should do Thunderwave; dogs are afraid of thunder"
Brittany "Someone get the vacuum!"
The rogue is trying to pick a difficult lock
Brittany "Your name is Hudora; you open doors"
Discussing a simultaneous, side by side group Thunderwave
Jack "The most aggressive barber shop quartet ever"

Waterdeep Dragon Heist
The Missing Fop
One night at another game, we were discussing new characters and the Demiplane of Dread, which is basically Ravenloft
Kevin "That looks like the most excellent place to vacation"
Discussing various guilds and organizations, including the Blackstaff’s enforcers
Jim “The Brute Squad!”
The author Volo is talking about his next book, which will be about ghosts, etc
Jim "Is it going to be bigger than Tobin's?
The shit bar’s barkeep was talking about upcoming repairs
MC “Indoor plumbing; it’s going to be big”
Mike “It's a pipe dream”
<mass groans>
Mike “Chmiel’s not here”
Barakiel knocks out a Kenku with the pommel of his sword
Lee “He has little birds going around his head”
Michael “He has people instead”
Jim “While he’s beating up the bird…”
Mike “Is that what he’s doing?”
Lee “I’ll be in my bunk”
Lee “Do you buttstroke the bird?”
Mike rolls a 1 for a skill check
MC “You know nothing, Jon Snow”
The first round of combat starts
Lee "Yay, murder, death kill, murder, death, kill"
Checking the enemies, the dwarf is completely dead, but the human might be saved
Kevin "He's only mostly dead"
Trying to remember the name of a pub, someone suggests 'Green Dragon'
Kevin "All pubs are named the Green Dragon after you've had enough drinks"
The inn Volo offers them is the Trollskull Manor
Jim "What, did Skeletor move out?"

Side Quests
Discussing sleeping arrangements, standing watches, sleeping armored versus unarmored. Jim isn't worried about sleeping in armor since his character has lots of offensive and defensive cantrips.
Jim "I'm the most dangerous when we're buck naked"
Mike "Do you hip thrust when you cast Eldritch Blast?"
All the 5E books have silly disclaimers inside, Jim found the disclaimer in Volo's Guide to Monsters
"Disclaimer: Wizards of the Coast does not vouch for, guarantee, or provide any promises regarding the validity of the information provided in this volume by Volothamp Geddarm. Do not trust Volo. Do not go on quests offered by Volo. Do not listen to Volo. Avoid being seen with him for risk of guilt by association. If Volo appears in your campaign, your DM is undoubtedly trying to kill your character in a manner that can be blamed on your own actions. The DM is probably trying to do that anyway, but with Volo's appearance, you know for sure"
Lee's response?
Lee "Truer words have never been committed to the page…"
Ordering from a Puerto Rican restaurant, Lee chooses Bistec Encebollado, but Mike can't pronounce it
Mike "I'll have the Bistec Ence… Encephalitis"
MC "I don't always get encephalitis, but when I get it, I get it twice. Dos Encephalitis"
Chmiel "Hobbit porn is big"
Kevin "Halfling, not hobbit; do you want to get sued?"
Lee "Halfling hairy foot fetish"
Chmiel's character meets Volothamp Geddarm
Chmiel "What Scandinavian metal band did he get kicked out of?"
MC was drinking 1911 brand hard cider and called it "911"
Mike "It tastes like jet fuel and sadness"
Chmiel "You have to drink two at a time"
<mass groans>
Chmiel "Too soon?"
Discussing porn, and a British version of Bang Bus in a taxi
Mike "It's a double decker bus
Lee "Bang Bus 25, Double Deck Her"
The party has been invited to a local opera, but needs to go outside of town on a monster hunt
Kevin "We'll go after we recover from our hangovers, because we'll need to drink to get through the opera"

Explosion in Waterdeep
MC mispronounces "Gloom Stalker"
MC "Gloo.. Stalker"
Lee "Glutin free Stalker"
Recapping the previous session
Lee "Recap isn't bad for all"
MC gulps her wine and looks startled
MC "I thought you said 'rehab' "
Talking about Chmiel's black dragonborn avoiding the police
Michael "Can't see <my> color if I'm Invisible"
One of the witnesses is named Jesryn Hornraven
MC "Sounds like a pornstar name"
Lee "I gave her the Hornraven…CACAW!!"
There was an absolutely huge run of gnome puns, mostly from MC with a few from Chmiel. For a while, every comment from MC had a gnome pun in it. I'm only including one
MC "Can I give you my cellgnome number?"
At the bookstore quest, we got off an a tangent about the Ghost Cats of the South book by Randy Russell.
Jim "He was only the co-author"
Kevin "He had a ghost writer"
Another witness describes a man injured by the blast, who limped away
Mike "Look for him in Crippletown"
MC "Bang Bus 26, Handitown"
A NPC hits Orie with two attacks and MC protests
Jim "It's part of your pun-nishment"
Another NPC misses Harker with two attacks
Kevin "Come at me Bro!"
The nobleman has a mustache with curled up ends
Callum "He's either going to commit or solve a train murder"

Passing the Stone
Trying to recall if anyone has heard the name of the Zhentarim contact
Lee "You can't remember"
Kevin "It's like a dream"
Discussing spells and abilities to use to interrogate the prisoner
Michael "I can cast Friends"
Lee "Friends, the well known torture spell"
Mike "I can cast Color Spray"
Jim "Taste the rainbow"
Kevin "You cast it in my mouth"
Chmiel "Your character doesn't know what my character is thinking, I barely know what I'm thinking"
The Harpers are concerned dopplegangers are infiltrating the city
Jim "We just need a hot wire and some blood samples"
Mike "Flu shot clinic at the Yawning Portal"
The Harpers will forward information to Fenriz
Mike "I will be happy to receive it"
Callum "I bet you will…"
The party tracks the construct to a closed booth in the market that sells turnips
Chmiel "That's a strange turn-ip of events"
Mike asks MC to get the charger cable for his bluetooth speaker, said it was in the cubbyholes next to the bed
Lee "Bang Bus 27 Cubbyholes"
Lee is looking at the overnight snow forecast
Lee "Oh geez, another 5-10 inches?"
Chmiel "Is that all you can handle?"
Discussing the plural form of agenda; agendas, agendi?
Lee "Agendi sounds like some kind of japanese porn"
Listening to Volo's grandiose description of Waterdeep's city cemetary, the City of the Dead
Chmiel "It sounds like Central Park, with dead people"
Fighting the duergar and debating if Fire Bolt will set them on fire
Kevin "I think everyone knows dwarves are flammable"
Jim "They're soaked in whiskey"
Discussing Valder healing Fenriz and making sexy massage jokes
Jim "I'm not going to give you a 'Happy Ending' "
We asked for the name of the bakery
Lee "Yeast Affection" (Which was the real name of a business Lee's friend owned)
Trying to figure out how strong the halfling's skeletons are
Michael "Did the skeleton take a beating?"
Kevin "Well, he's not bleeding"
Every time the party finds someone who had the Stone, they've already lost it to somebody else…
Jim "Let's talk to the halfling and find out who he gave the Stone to"
Discussing ordering Greek for dinner, one of the restaurants was Vasili's Express
Lee "Bacillus Express? I'm not eating there"
Mike was telling a story about MC slipping and landing on a fire hydrant like she was going to shove it up her butt
Jim "Bang Bus 28 Hydrant Sodomy"
Fenriz yells out the fleeing kenku is a child rapist
Mike "A dingo ate my baby"
Lee "Kenku at my baby"
MC "Bang Bus 29 Kenku raped my Baby"
Orie is going to cast Hail of Thorns, but MC couldn't remember the spell name
Lee "Spray of Thorns?"
MC "HAIL of Thorns. I don't ejaculate on my victims"
Discussing prisoner interrogations
Michael "When I get to level 6, I can rip their soul out and talk to it"
Mike "That's very Spawnly of you"
We were watching a comedy video about Gilbert Gottfried as the voice of a meditation app. When the Stone starts to talk to Barakiel…
Callum "Can we use the voice of Gilbert Gottfried for the Stone?"
Lee "More like Bobcat Goldthwait"
The party needs 1,000gp worth of gems to open the vault.
Callum "I'll write a check"
The Stone says they need a unicorn to open a vault, but some kind of statue would work. Mike (?) suggested the statue's horn could be an e-cigarette
Lee "The Vaping Unicorn, the douchiest tavern in Waterdeep"
We had a lot of side stories, several about going to strip clubs for stag parties and such
Jim "We need to find a strip club in Waterdeep"
Callum "You're telling me the Pink Flumph isn't a strip club?"
They kill the drow and search him
Lee "You find his pistol"
MC "That's cool"
Mike "The pistol is his penis"

Side Quests Revisited
Jim got a good look at the cover of the book, and noticed there was a hooded, purple skinned character with a left hand gauntlet/metal hand
Jim "Are we fighting Thanos?"
Lee explains all the people on the cover are linked to the characters' quests
Jim "It's a bad thing when your campaign enemy is on the cover of the module"
Going over with Kevin what the characters need to get into the vault: a beholder or gazer eyestalk, a unicorn or a representation of one, and 1,000gp in gems
Kevin "We need money to get into the vault? Is this a Nigerian vault?"
Fenriz's sidequest takes them to a potion maker named Skeemo Weirdbottle
Jim "Sounds like a professor at Hogwarts"
The potion maker sounds like Gollum, or maybe Renfield
Jim "Remind me to come back here later and burn this place down"
Michael's character is trying to talk to the waitress he thinks is a doppleganger and the whole thing has had a pedophile vibe
Lee "Do something creepy"
Mike "Grab her by the pussy"
Lee "Buttstroke her"

Under the Pink Flumph
Fenriz picks up the unicorn sculpture
Chmiel "We're not going to walk around town with the unicorn"
Kevin "No, we should totally do that"
Chmiel "Oh, okay"
Tetsuo is questioning the halfling stagehands about their motivations and Lee is getting annoyed.
Lee "They did it for the nookie, the nookie, so you can take the cookie and shove it up your ass"
Lee hates having to come up with random NPC names, and he's already had to provide a bunch. The party comes to the hallway with the stars' dressing rooms
Mike "Are there names on the doors?"
Lee winces…
Michael is asking the Stone questions, Lee mimes shaking a Magic 8 Ball
Lee "Ask again later"
A cloud of darkness explodes out of a crack in the wall
Chmiel (?) "We fight it with happy campfire songs"
Lee "I pull Huey Lewis out of my Bag of Holding and harness the Power of Love"
Talking to the dragon-dwarf
Lee "You could be a bunch of petty thieves"
Jim "Petty? It's not like we're smuggling bobble headed geisha dolls"
The treasure pile is mostly coin, but a few gold pieces of art and such as well
Jim "We robbed Gringotts!"
Mike "And you know how well that worked out"
Bugbears, a drow, a gazer and a grell approach
Kevin "I'm tired of these floaty ball things; they're annoying"
Lee feels his villains always get killed before he uses their best attack, so he's going to lead off with a heavy attack
Lee "I'm going to blow my load"
MC "So glad we could excite you"
Mike "Why is the drow masturbating?"
Valder heals Orie for 10 hit points
MC "Ten points to Gryffindor"
The party gets a finder's fee for the gold, over 7,000gp each
Michael "I want hookers and magic weapons"

Buying Leads
(We had two hours of dinners, unfocused rambling, GoT/Endgame discussions and lots of random nonsense. So I barely wrote anything down- Jim)
Chmiel buys a magic greatsword for his character
Chmiel "Now I can attack with a plus NINE!"
Lee "I might have raised the price if I had known you were going to say that"
Callum is making a new character, a wizard
Jim "What kind of wizard?"
Michael "Wait until you hear…"
Callum "A necromancer"
Jim "Great…"
Callum "Is that bad?"
Callum's necromancer is Chaotic Neutral
Jim "What's your next character going to be?"
Lee asked Callum if he had a backstory
Callum "He's a hermit"
Lee "That's your background, not your backstory"
Callum "It had the word 'back' in it"
Barakiel bought the wizard's tower he was trained in and Mike started all kind of penis/tower jokes
Mike "Look out; he's got a tower"
Lee "The tower is my penis"

Drinking with the Devil
Discussing Callum's necromancer
Lee "He just wants to raise a family…"
Fenriz activates a poison gas trap
Kevin "Stop breathing"
Jim "That might happen"
Lee "Inadvertently"
The noble couple might be evil
Mike "Someone should go up to the lord and lady and say 'Hail Hydra' "

Tower Invasion
Discussing the Cassalanters' surviving children
Jim "They were put in the divine witness protection program"
Orie is a half-drow, so there was some curiosity about her appearance
Michael "How dark are you?"
MC "Are you talking about my complexion or my alignment?"
Lee "She looks Scottish"
Killing time at the dive bar
Lee "Do you want to get some lunch?"
Mike "No thanks, I don't want to get hepatitis"
Lee "You could get some liquor, unless it's Dominican Republic liquor"
The halfling gang walks in to the bar
Mike "It's like the Lollipop Guild"
Lee is looking at an NPC's list of spells
Lee "Holy fuck; I'm casting that!"
Harker fails his saving throw versus Cone of Cold
Mike "Get this man a blanket"
Jim "And a hot toddy"
Mike "I put a pot of tea on the stove"
Jim comes back in from the other room and missed a Bang Bus comment, Bang Bus 32: That's Above My Pay Grade"
Jim "How did it come up?" wanting to document the origin of the quote
MC "It just kept coming up"
Lee "Bang Bus 33: It Just Kept Coming Up"
Barakiel finds some finely crafted and bejeweled wooden wands or batons
Michael "Maybe we can get them enchanted into something"
MC "A buttplug"
Chmiel and Michael missed part two
Lee "Hey, we've only got one Mike, that's going to streamline things. We'll be 5% more efficient"
MC rolls very low damage against the monkey demon
Mike "Tis but a flesh wound. This game is kill the monkey, not spank the monkey"
Jim "Bang Bus 34: Spank the Monkey"
The prison guard tells Edgar to shut up
Callum "Make me"
Jim "Is this your first time in a prison scene?"
Mike "Have you seen Pulp Fiction? That's what's going to happen to you"
Jim "Does 'Turkish prison' mean anything to you?"
Edgar casts Color Spray
Mike "A necromancer after my own heart"
Jim "It's all shades of black and grey"
Callum "Goth Color Spray"
Mike "You cast it by blowing the smoke from your clove cigarette"
'Get on your knees boy' was a repeated phrase
MC "Is there a Bang Bus for get on your knees boy? Bang Bus 35: Get on Your Knees Boy"
Discussing a possible trap
Lee "If the clamps released, the floor would no longer communicate with the wall"
The party finds a Wand of Binding
Callum "Kinky"
MC "It just makes you constipated"
Discussing Edgar's personal washing habits
Mike "You use Dove body wash, but it's just dead doves"
The bridge and catwalk have no railings
Jim "Oh, it's Imperial construction"
Going through the book shelves
Lee "Bang Bus 1: Hot Elves. Bang Bus 2: Hot Elves, signed edition. Bang Bus 3: Hot Elves, My Ears Aren't The Only Thing That's Pointed. Bang Bus 4: Hot Elf on Dwarf Action"
Mike threw out a couple about halflings and hairy feet, but I missed them
Callum "Necromancer 1: The Dead Aren't The Only Things Rising"
Mike "Spectator 1: I Like To Watch. Spectator 2: Will You Do My Wife?"
Summing up the last session for Chmiel and how Edgar disappeared awhile back, but he woke up here in a cell
Jim "We were at the bar; it was last call for karaoke, then I was here"
The room tile is labelled "E1"
Mike "Evil Room 1"
Looking into the purple mist outside
Jim "If you stare into the mist, the mist stares back into you"
The villain has a gold gauntlet
Kevin "How many gems are there on the gauntlet? I just want to see how far we are in the story"
Lee explains it's not Thanos' gauntlet
Chmiel "Good, we don't have to sacrifice our redhead"
A joke was made about a giant clown appearing
Jim "Keep Trump out of this"
MC "I'm not very smart"
Mike <Forrest Gump voice> "But I know what swear words are"
Orie misses again
Chmiel "Can't even hit the bong"
Examining the wizard's study, decorated in purple, with a couch
Chmiel "It's his casting couch"
Kevin "It is totally the 70's in here"
They find a book of dwarvish phrases
Jim "Does it say 'My hovercraft is full of eels'?"
Chmiel "Dwarvish dick jokes"

Entering Undermountain
Talking about opening the inn for business or keeping it private
Chmiel "We might torture people in the basement"
Jim "We've done that"
Kevin "Poorly"
Coming up with names for a ship they were offered, it would be full of seamen…
Mike "The Fallopian tube"
Lee "The Vas Deferens"
Chmiel "There's a vas deferens between those two…"
Chmiel's character is a samurai, but obviously his country in Forgotten Realms has a fantasy name, Kara-Tur
Chmiel "Japanistan"
Two vials recovered had poison, Essence of Ether
Chmiel "Old lady sweat"
Jim "It's not Essence of Ethel"
Chmiel "Just a jar of dust"
Lee <sings> "All we are is dust in a jar"
The city of Waterdeep is built on old dwarven mines, which were built on an older elven city
Kevin "Nothing good comes of that"
The dwarven mines were played out and abandoned
Kevin "They dug too deep"
The party meets Volo again, Chmiel says Tetsuo is giving him a "squinty eye"
Mike "Your character is Asian, aren't his eyes always squinty?"
Jim "Regular squinty or Clint Eastwood?"
Chmiel "Crint Eastwoo"
Discussing legends of the evil wizards in the dungeons
Lee "He became a half lich, or as we like to say, a hich"
Patrons in the Yawning Tavern have a dead pool, and wanted to know the party's name. We settled on "Destined for Demise"
Strange undead creatures demand a bribe to pass through
Callum "Seriously? You have to pay a cover charge to get in?"
Chmiel "It will be a great show, it's totally underground"
Edgar finds a dried up heart
Jim “The Heart of Vecna
The Heart answers questions
Jim “And then the chicken heart began to grow…”
A manticore quizzes the party
Chmiel "It's D&D Jeopardy"
(Brittany sat in and ran Callum's necromancer)
Discussing taking body parts from the manticores
Chmiel "Pickled manticore testicles are great"
Brittany "Great for gravy"
Avoiding the rotting basilisk corpse for fear it's undead
MC "This is just like Harry Potter!"
Jim "We decide not to investigate the basi-lich"
An air elemental attacks the party
Chmiel "My opponent is going to feel a little winded"
Callum's bad handwriting is legendary, Brittany was trying to read his spell sheet
Brittany "What is Snuggling Grasp?"
Jim "Does he have Charm Person?"
Lee "He has Churn Kumquat"
Looking at Callum's sheet after the game, Jim saw he had an "herbalism kilt". Lee replied it was a kilt you can keep your weed in.
Brittany cast Hunger of Hadar, and most people didn't know what the spell did
Jim "It opens a portal to Cthulhu's bedroom and his tentacles come through and attack people"

Three Level Tour
Lee, starting the session "So we're in space…wrong game"
Talking to a very intelligent zombie, that wants the party's help
Mike to Jim "Do you have anything to fuckle with him?"
Jim "Is that a technical term?"
Looking around the room, with a cross section of the dungeon on the wall
Mike "So we're in the waiting room of doom. The lobby of doom"
The crazy old man says he will answer three questions. Two answers will be true, one a lie
Mike "So it's a Tinder profile"
Going through the maze like dungeon, the party will need to slide down a chute to the next level
MC "This is like a bad carnival in Florida"
One room holds a Frankenstein's monster-like flesh golem and a hovering, metal plated skull that radiates electricity
Jim "This is the most metal encounter ever"
Fighting a giant blob-like gibbering mouther
MC "I cast Hail of… Thrones"
Kevin "That would be a good spell; thrones are usually heavy"
Mike "The Iron Throne is very pointy"
Jim "Toilets rain from the sky"
An undead beholder stands sentry
MC "A zombie beholder. A zombeholder"
The party tries to bluff their way past with Invisibility spells and disguises and it watches them pass
Kevin "Keep swimming, keep swimming…"
Looking for a place to rest before entering the drow held areas
Kevin "Is there an inn?"
Lee "There is no inn in Drowtown"