Silly Quotes and Smart Remarks

Warning: these pages contain adult subjects and profanity and are intended for mature readers. No actual maturity was involved.

We've always had a lot of quotable comments flying around, I didn't always have a chance to write them down. I try to do a better job these days and here's a combined page of them. And I have some Quotes of Antiquity from long before Meetup. And the Monty Python "Cheese Shop" sketch redone as the Game Shop Sketch. And the random "That's what she said!" table. There's also Inside Jokes with some running gags. There's the Mos Eisley Pharmacist and Death Star Janitor and now the Polearm Shop Sketch!

Old Quotes from previous games

Current Quotes

Jim's D&D 5E Cult of Madness
It Began in a Tavern
Jack's dwarf slides down the ravine so gracefully, he looked like he was skiing
Jack "Have you ever seen a dwarf ski?
Chmiel "Is he Polish?"
Realizing the "orc kidnappers" are actually humans
Chmiel "They're trying to start a war"
Brittany "It's like The Princess Bride!"
Jim <pompous noble voice> "Clearly, this was done by agents of Guilder!"

Orc Ruins
Describing the Open Lands north of the Eight Kingdoms
Jim "Ruled by petty warlords, retired adventurers"
Stacy "It's Florida"
Following the orcs' trail
Nick "Trailer Park Orcs"
Telling the new players about Caite's Tinder comment
Stacy "It came, it saw, it swiped left"
The thunder storm will cover the sound of their attack on the orcs
Stacy "They won't hear the bodies drop"
Brittany <sings> "Let the bodies hit the floor, hit the floor"
Stacy's rogue is away from the party and badly injured by an orc with a battle axe. She tries making bird noises to attract help
Stacy "Cacaw, cacaw"
Jim "Sounds like a bird with an axe in it"
Brittany "<snorts>"
Discussing the evolution of Dungeons and Dragons from its roots in miniature wargames, like Napoleonic era and medieval games
Nick "Napoleon, he did live action wargaming"
The party finds a group of ghouls that are opening crypts to eat the dead
Stacy "Ooh, I love graverobbing!"
Brittany and Stacy "Hey ghoulfriend!"
Discussing what vulnerabilities ghouls have, they are not affected by running water like vampires are
Jack "Waterboarding is not an option"
The party is attacked by giant crabs
Jack "Who lied on their health form?"

Enter the Warlocks
Discussing where in town to go for food
Stacy "We should go to Little Teebra" (Teebra is the halfling nation)
Jim "Isn't 'Little' redundant?"
The tavern is the 'Lusty Dryad'; the sign is a sexy nymph
Jack "I'm not going to judge, but how are their roots?"
Stacy "Does the moss match their leaves?"
Jim does a corny Scottish accent for the dwarf smith
Jim "I'm maintaining Lee's tradition that all dwarves are Scottish"
The bad guys and Anna are hit by Hudora's Sleep Spell
Stacy "Would that be a short rest?"
Jack "It would only be a short rest if it hit me <the dwarf>"
The party casts multiple Thunderwave and a Shatter spell in the same battle
Jack "We should name this party 'Rolling Thunder' "
Sam was reading the book and laughs
Sam "I thought it said 'Defensive Taco; it's 'Defensive Tactics' "
Stacy "You give it to the other side <to eat>, and they're stuck on the toilet"
Jack "It raises your AC, and by that I mean Active Constipation"
Fighting some war dogs
Jack "We should do Thunderwave; dogs are afraid of thunder"
Brittany "Someone get the vacuum!"
The rogue is trying to pick a difficult lock
Brittany "Your name is Hudora; you open doors"
Discussing a simultaneous, side by side group Thunderwave
Jack "The most aggressive barber shop quartet ever"

Trouble on the Road
Meeting the druid
Stacy "Their favorite class is chemis-tree"
Discussing the various kinds of giants and their relative power and intelligence, Stone Giants are slightly smarter than the very dumb Hill Giants
Brittany "They're dumber than a bag of rocks"
Jim takes away a chip just as Nick gives her one
Examining the dead townswoman and trying to figure out exactly how she was killed
Jim "This isn't CSI: Lyonya"
Stacy is having trouble making Perception checks spying on the ogres
Jim "The giant you are standing behind is obscuring your vision"
Stacy "I have a theory"
Jim "About the brontosaurus? Never mind, none of you will get that"
There was a great discussion of the idea to have people ride on each others' shoulders and cover up with a blanket and pretend to be ogres, since they're so dumb.

Stacy, about Thieves' Guilds "They speak Thieves' Cant"
Jack "Thieves can't speak"
Stacy "Love unlocks all doors"
Jim "So do thieves' picks"
Talking about drow and how they feel about other races
Jim "Drow feel halflings are below notice"
The party talks to the old man
Brittany "Is this our save point?"
Jack "Do you want to save next to a bear?"
Discussing that the hunting trip was a pair of rich noble men and their retainers, is there any cash on the bodies?
Brittany <sings> "If I was a rich boy…"
Jim asks the party to roll perception checks and JoAnne comes up from downstairs
JoAnne "I could tell by the way you said "Roll for Perception" that you had an ambush"
Raidne slips and falls down the cliff because Brittany rolled poorly
Brittany "I have good rolls, it's just sometimes I don't"
Hudora hears loud clicking noises in the spider cave
Jack "Is this the Fire Swamp? We're waiting for the flame spurt"
An orc got a natural 20 on a wisdom saving throw
Nick "This orc reads the dictionary for fun"
Discussing attack options
Jack "You have options to put pointy things in people that don't like them"
A drow mage runs into a room and shuts the door
Jim "The door is made of wood"
Brittany "I turn into a beaver…"
Jack was having trouble with the Discord voice chat
Jim "You sound like you have the Darth Vader filter engaged"
Harper and Raidne are pulling Giovane out of a pit trap, but Harper 's grip slips and Raidne holds on
Stacy "With her bear hands"
The drow high priestess is in the Astral plane, Giovane is fighting the human priest
Jack "I'll kick the guy in his Astral plane"
The human priest has a dwarven war pick
Jack "Do you want to pick a fight with me?"

House Cleaning/Gathering Storm
Talking about hunting Brannod's cousin Vasil and they shouldn't kill him
Chmiel "If we kill him, he will be once-removed"
Vasil rhymes with basil…
Jack "We're looking for Vasil, and his girlfriend Rosemary"
After Chmiel's chaos causing spell attack as a drow
Chmiel "It's all according to plan"
Brittany "The plan is shit!"

Hudora is outgoing at the hearing
Jim "Worst. Thief. Ever."
Jack "It's amazing how annoying a little prick is"
Jim "That's what she said"
During the battle with the giants, both of them fell on Eroe after they were killed. They had no worthwhile treasure to speak of.
Nick "Giants are bad tippers"
Stacy "They're great tippers if you count tipping over and falling on you"

Forgotten Map
Nick is talking about casting Crown of Madness/Enemies Abound
Stacy "I hope they smack each other and their money falls out"
Jim "Laziest. Thief. Ever"
Wyverns circle the party and attack
Nick "Wyverns are the Slim-Jims of dragons"
Pancho takes damage
Nick "Medium sized 'oof' "
Chmiel refers to them as 'Wyvern and Shirley'
The party finds the ruins of a very old building, with steps leading into the earth. It smells of troll…
Jack "Show me what's behind boulder #1"
Brittany "Holy troll, because there's a hole"
Fighting mimics disguised as treasure chests, Pancho uses Vicious Mockery
Stacy "Your mother was a suitcase!"
Jack "And your father was a lot of luggage!"
Searching through the old wizards' school
Jack "At this point, we're just looking for the teachers' lounge"
Fighting a gelatinous cube
Jim (Bond villain voice) "You win this round, Mister Ooze"
Pancho hits the gelatinous cube with Vicious Mockery
Jim "Your mother was cut up for Jello pudding pops!"
The Froghemoth dies with Eroe still inside it
Stacey "Where's Eroe?"
Brittany "I think he ran off, we should go look for him"
Opening the door to the Headmaster's office
Brittany "The Dumble-door"
A secret door leads to a passage with another door
Brittany "More-doors"
Stacy "My name is Hu-door-a"
Trying to get answers out of the insane lich
Nick "I'm going to have to seduce the lich"
Stacy "Can it tell me what floor my class is on?"
They destroy the lich
Stacy "Now I'm never going to make it to Herbology class on time!"

Country Necro
JoAnne has been listening to Jim scheme all week and stopped in at the beginning of the game
JoAnne "You guys are screwed!!"
Hudora rolls poorly for bargaining with the alchemist
Jack "She persuades herself to leave"
Eroe is looking for combat improving spells or potions and Stacy turns it into looking for male enhancement products
Did the necromancer animate a dead horse?
Stacy "Let's not beat a dead horse"

Friends and Enemies
The party is travelling through southern Tsaia, looking for danger
Jack "In Soviet Tsaia, danger finds you"
The party comes to the town of Maplewick, which spawns a few maple syrup/Canadian jokes
Brittany "Look, a duty free!"
The mashed potatoes at the inn are terrible, maybe they need to search out a better inn and steal some
Stacy "The Great Mashed Potatoes Caper"
Fighting the strange monster
Brittany "It's clearly a weird dog. Or crocodile"
Stacy "Crocodog"
Brittany "Can we tame the crocodog?"

Mindflayer Town
Jim "It's the Leaking Barrel tavern"
Nick "Leaking Cask"
Jack "It's the Cask of Amontillado; it's built into a cliff"
The tavern rooms are small, just 8 by 8 with two bunk beds
Stacy "The rooms are huge!"
Jim "It's like a cathedral ceiling to you"
Discussing having been attacked in an inn before
Jack "I'm so suspicious of this town; I'm keeping my pants on"
Jack "I'm paranoid"
Jim "You should be"
Jack "Yes! Wait…"
Jim "It's not paranoia if someone IS out to get you"
Anna and the Githyanki mage are trading spell attacks
Stacy "It's a wand measuring contest"
Jim "It's not the size of the wand, it's the magic within it that counts"
Anna botches on an attack
Jim "Happens to 1 in 10 wizards"
Stacy "They have potions for that"
Nick "Little blue potion"
Jim is considering the bad guys' next move
Jim "I'm going to be a dick"
Jack "What were you before?"

Hostage Rescue
Discussing Worcestershire Sauce and some people didn't know it was made from fish, and the issue of how Worcester is correctly pronounced as "Wooster" since it is a shibboleth.
Chmiel "It's made from the finest free range anchovies, rescued from an Italian pizzeria"
Jim "It's fermented"
Chmiel "It's fish wine!"
And again, looking at feats
Brittany "Can I take War Caster?"
Chmiel "Warcastershire sauce"
Discussing Pancho's enchanted lute
Stacy "He got it from a lute crate"
Raidne uses Create Water to fight the fire at the monastery
Brittany "I bless the rains down in Africa"
Raidne doesn't want to harm a tree by knocking it down in front of the bad guys' wagons
Stacy "That's tree-son"

Hall of the Forest King
Discussing the Favor of Torre that automatically heals someone when they go to zero hit points
Jack "The plot armor is getting thick"
Jim "Don't worry; I have plot armor piercing bullets"
There are a few gnomish druids
Stacy "They're garden gnomes!!
Jim "Ha. Ha. -1 chip"
Talking about who does and does not know the truth behind the Cult of the Unchained
Jack "First rule of the eldritch creatures; you don't talk about the eldritch creatures"
The ram men turn into goo
Stacy "Can we save a sample?"
Jim "Someone blows their nose and you want to keep it?"
Discussing fighting the ram headed ogres
Jack "It was a rambush"
Chmiel played this week and there were more puns than I could count or record…
Raidne scouts the Forest King's tree castle from above and is trying to see through the leaves and branches into the interior
Jack "I can see the Forest King through the tress"
While Raidne was in eagle form, I put an eagle counter on the map and Brittany was zooming it around
Brittany "Whoosh" moves the eagle "Whoosh"
Listening to the sword's song about rage and violence
Jack"So, Metallica, got it"
Looking behind the curtain the throne room
Brittany "We're in the Emerald City!"

Down to the Sea
The adventure patron is a merchant and antiquities dealer
Chmiel "I didn't know there was a black market for old people"
There was a discussion which boiled down to baby mimics hide in their parent's mouth
Brittany "Mini-mimics. Minics!"
Chmiel was being flirty in character, which made Jack uncomfortable.
Jim "Remember, Anna is a hot elf chick"
Stacy, discussing Hudora "I'm short and hot"
Jim "I think I need a picture of pedobear to make a meme…"
The weather on the journey
Jim "The moon is three-quarters full"
Brittany "Sea-werewolves!"
We had a bit about sea chanties and played "The Captain's Wife's Lament", "The Beast of Pirate's Bay" and "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate".
Going undersea
Jack "I have a sinking feeling"
Jim "-1 chip"
Jack "But I don't have any"
The shipwreck is occupied by a giant squid-like creature, a Morkoth, that can cast spells
Chmiel "A squidcaster"

Hunting Liartians
Discussing what animals Raidne can shapeshift into, and giant crabs were mentioned
Jack "I just want you to change into a crab in battle so I can yell 'pincer maneuver' "
And Raidne saw a camel in a market in Opal
Brittany "Don't be so dromedramatic"
Trying to decide what to do
Stacy "Anna would tell you to do it with fire"
Jack "Yes, the thief taking advice from the arsonist"
The party thinks the Liartians may be in the catacombs and sewers under the city
Brittany(?) "Liartians are lawyers; they live in the sue-ers"
They find a manhole cover near where they heard spells underground
Brittany "Should we knock?"
Long discussion of the Wonder-Twins shapeshifting powers from the old Justice League cartoon
Jack "Tax collector; form of W-2"
Jim groans
Jack, holding up a chip "Here, I'll just hand it to you"
Raidne turns into a mouse to sneak under a door in the sewers
Jack "She would be better as a turtle"
Jim "She's not a ninja"
Brittany "Where's the pizza?"
Jim "We ate it"
Harper heals the party
Jack "We need to stop harping on this"

Sailor on the Sea of Fate
Preparing the rowboat
Stacy "Row for initiative"
Approaching the alien temple
Brittany "There's no door to knock on, so I don't know what to do"
Jim rolls two "1"s for damage for a lizard man's attack
Brittany "Snake eyes"
Jim "Snake eyes, you're right"
Brittany "I'm just rolling today"
Fighting the snake men
Stacy "Am I a cold blooded murderer yet?"
The lizard men seem more intelligent than the ones on their world
Jack, Yogi Bear voice "Smarter than the average reptile"
Pancho uses his Doss Lute to heal Eroe
Jack "I'm not dead yet; it's not time to lute me"

To Rob a Thief
Brittany couldn't open the pdf with her updated character sheet, so Jim printed it out, scanned it and sent it to her
Jack "It's irony that the druid's character sheet won't work so we have to kill more trees to print it"
The wizard's house is the equivalent of a Tudor house, with a front door and a back door
Brittany "So it's a two-door?"
Stacy got a grocery delivery of ice cream
Jim "We all scream for ice cream"
Jack "We all scream for plot development"
Stacy compares the wizard's magical house defenses to ADT
Jack "Anti Dungeoneer Traps"
The party destroys the flame skull and Jack is dithering on what to do next or should they hit the remains with holy water so it won't regenerate
Brittany "Throw some holy water on that bitch"
The second session was on Talk Like a Pirate Day, so we had lots of pirate themed jokes
Stacy "I can change the tides of the campaign"
Raidne was searching upstairs and robbing the wizard's safe while the party fought the helmed horrors
Brittany "We're flipping roles today"
Stacy "I don't want to be the grass salesman"
Searching the wizard's bedroom
Stacy "So what's in the wardrobe?"
Brittany "Narrrrrnia"
Jack "Who do you make a pirate angry? Take out the 'p'; it makes him irate"
Fighting an air elemental
Stacy "Elemental, my dear Watson"

Lee's Waterdeep Adventures
The Missing Fop
One night at another game, we were discussing new characters and the Demiplane of Dread, which is basically Ravenloft
Kevin "That looks like the most excellent place to vacation"
Discussing various guilds and organizations, including the Blackstaff’s enforcers
Jim “The Brute Squad!”
The author Volo is talking about his next book, which will be about ghosts, etc
Jim "Is it going to be bigger than Tobin's?
The shit bar’s barkeep was talking about upcoming repairs
MC “Indoor plumbing; it’s going to be big”
Mike “It's a pipe dream”
<mass groans>
Mike “Chmiel’s not here”
Barakiel knocks out a Kenku with the pommel of his sword
Lee “He has little birds going around his head”
Michael “He has people instead”
Jim “While he’s beating up the bird…”
Mike “Is that what he’s doing?”
Lee “I’ll be in my bunk”
Lee “Do you buttstroke the bird?”
Mike rolls a 1 for a skill check
MC “You know nothing, Jon Snow”
The first round of combat starts
Lee "Yay, murder, death kill, murder, death, kill"
Checking the enemies, the dwarf is completely dead, but the human might be saved
Kevin "He's only mostly dead"
Trying to remember the name of a pub, someone suggests 'Green Dragon'
Kevin "All pubs are named the Green Dragon after you've had enough drinks"
The inn Volo offers them is the Trollskull Manor
Jim "What, did Skeletor move out?"

Side Quests
Discussing sleeping arrangements, standing watches, sleeping armored versus unarmored. Jim isn't worried about sleeping in armor since his character has lots of offensive and defensive cantrips.
Jim "I'm the most dangerous when we're buck naked"
Mike "Do you hip thrust when you cast Eldritch Blast?"
All the 5E books have silly disclaimers inside, Jim found the disclaimer in Volo's Guide to Monsters
"Disclaimer: Wizards of the Coast does not vouch for, guarantee, or provide any promises regarding the validity of the information provided in this volume by Volothamp Geddarm. Do not trust Volo. Do not go on quests offered by Volo. Do not listen to Volo. Avoid being seen with him for risk of guilt by association. If Volo appears in your campaign, your DM is undoubtedly trying to kill your character in a manner that can be blamed on your own actions. The DM is probably trying to do that anyway, but with Volo's appearance, you know for sure"
Lee's response?
Lee "Truer words have never been committed to the page…"
Ordering from a Puerto Rican restaurant, Lee chooses Bistec Encebollado, but Mike can't pronounce it
Mike "I'll have the Bistec Ence… Encephalitis"
MC "I don't always get encephalitis, but when I get it, I get it twice. Dos Encephalitis"
Chmiel "Hobbit porn is big"
Kevin "Halfling, not hobbit; do you want to get sued?"
Lee "Halfling hairy foot fetish"
Chmiel's character meets Volothamp Geddarm
Chmiel "What Scandinavian metal band did he get kicked out of?"
MC was drinking 1911 brand hard cider and called it "911"
Mike "It tastes like jet fuel and sadness"
Chmiel "You have to drink two at a time"
<mass groans>
Chmiel "Too soon?"
Discussing porn, and a British version of Bang Bus in a taxi
Mike "It's a double decker bus
Lee "Bang Bus 25, Double Deck Her"
The party has been invited to a local opera, but needs to go outside of town on a monster hunt
Kevin "We'll go after we recover from our hangovers, because we'll need to drink to get through the opera"

Explosion in Waterdeep
MC mispronounces "Gloom Stalker"
MC "Gloo.. Stalker"
Lee "Glutin free Stalker"
Recapping the previous session
Lee "Recap isn't bad for all"
MC gulps her wine and looks startled
MC "I thought you said 'rehab' "
Talking about Chmiel's black dragonborn avoiding the police
Michael "Can't see <my> color if I'm Invisible"
One of the witnesses is named Jesryn Hornraven
MC "Sounds like a pornstar name"
Lee "I gave her the Hornraven…CACAW!!"
There was an absolutely huge run of gnome puns, mostly from MC with a few from Chmiel. For a while, every comment from MC had a gnome pun in it. I'm only including one
MC "Can I give you my cellgnome number?"
At the bookstore quest, we got off an a tangent about the Ghost Cats of the South book by Randy Russell.
Jim "He was only the co-author"
Kevin "He had a ghost writer"
Another witness describes a man injured by the blast, who limped away
Mike "Look for him in Crippletown"
MC "Bang Bus 26, Handitown"
A NPC hits Orie with two attacks and MC protests
Jim "It's part of your pun-nishment"
Another NPC misses Harker with two attacks
Kevin "Come at me Bro!"
The nobleman has a mustache with curled up ends
Callum "He's either going to commit or solve a train murder"

Passing the Stone
Trying to recall if anyone has heard the name of the Zhentarim contact
Lee "You can't remember"
Kevin "It's like a dream"
Discussing spells and abilities to use to interrogate the prisoner
Michael "I can cast Friends"
Lee "Friends, the well known torture spell"
Mike "I can cast Color Spray"
Jim "Taste the rainbow"
Kevin "You cast it in my mouth"
Chmiel "Your character doesn't know what my character is thinking, I barely know what I'm thinking"
The Harpers are concerned dopplegangers are infiltrating the city
Jim "We just need a hot wire and some blood samples"
Mike "Flu shot clinic at the Yawning Portal"
The Harpers will forward information to Fenriz
Mike "I will be happy to receive it"
Callum "I bet you will…"
The party tracks the construct to a closed booth in the market that sells turnips
Chmiel "That's a strange turn-ip of events"
Mike asks MC to get the charger cable for his bluetooth speaker, said it was in the cubbyholes next to the bed
Lee "Bang Bus 27 Cubbyholes"
Lee is looking at the overnight snow forecast
Lee "Oh geez, another 5-10 inches?"
Chmiel "Is that all you can handle?"
Discussing the plural form of agenda; agendas, agendi?
Lee "Agendi sounds like some kind of japanese porn"
Listening to Volo's grandiose description of Waterdeep's city cemetary, the City of the Dead
Chmiel "It sounds like Central Park, with dead people"
Fighting the duergar and debating if Fire Bolt will set them on fire
Kevin "I think everyone knows dwarves are flammable"
Jim "They're soaked in whiskey"
Discussing Valder healing Fenriz and making sexy massage jokes
Jim "I'm not going to give you a 'Happy Ending' "
We asked for the name of the bakery
Lee "Yeast Affection" (Which was the real name of a business Lee's friend owned)
Trying to figure out how strong the halfling's skeletons are
Michael "Did the skeleton take a beating?"
Kevin "Well, he's not bleeding"
Every time the party finds someone who had the Stone, they've already lost it to somebody else…
Jim "Let's talk to the halfling and find out who he gave the Stone to"
Discussing ordering Greek for dinner, one of the restaurants was Vasili's Express
Lee "Bacillus Express? I'm not eating there"
Mike was telling a story about MC slipping and landing on a fire hydrant like she was going to shove it up her butt
Jim "Bang Bus 28 Hydrant Sodomy"
Fenriz yells out the fleeing kenku is a child rapist
Mike "A dingo ate my baby"
Lee "Kenku at my baby"
MC "Bang Bus 29 Kenku raped my Baby"
Orie is going to cast Hail of Thorns, but MC couldn't remember the spell name
Lee "Spray of Thorns?"
MC "HAIL of Thorns. I don't ejaculate on my victims"
Discussing prisoner interrogations
Michael "When I get to level 6, I can rip their soul out and talk to it"
Mike "That's very Spawnly of you"
We were watching a comedy video about Gilbert Gottfried as the voice of a meditation app. When the Stone starts to talk to Barakiel…
Callum "Can we use the voice of Gilbert Gottfried for the Stone?"
Lee "More like Bobcat Goldthwait"
The party needs 1,000gp worth of gems to open the vault.
Callum "I'll write a check"
The Stone says they need a unicorn to open a vault, but some kind of statue would work. Mike (?) suggested the statue's horn could be an e-cigarette
Lee "The Vaping Unicorn, the douchiest tavern in Waterdeep"
We had a lot of side stories, several about going to strip clubs for stag parties and such
Jim "We need to find a strip club in Waterdeep"
Callum "You're telling me the Pink Flumph isn't a strip club?"
They kill the drow and search him
Lee "You find his pistol"
MC "That's cool"
Mike "The pistol is his penis"

Side Quests Revisited
Jim got a good look at the cover of the book, and noticed there was a hooded, purple skinned character with a left hand gauntlet/metal hand
Jim "Are we fighting Thanos?"
Lee explains all the people on the cover are linked to the characters' quests
Jim "It's a bad thing when your campaign enemy is on the cover of the module"
Going over with Kevin what the characters need to get into the vault: a beholder or gazer eyestalk, a unicorn or a representation of one, and 1,000gp in gems
Kevin "We need money to get into the vault? Is this a Nigerian vault?"
Fenriz's sidequest takes them to a potion maker named Skeemo Weirdbottle
Jim "Sounds like a professor at Hogwarts"
The potion maker sounds like Gollum, or maybe Renfield
Jim "Remind me to come back here later and burn this place down"
Michael's character is trying to talk to the waitress he thinks is a doppleganger and the whole thing has had a pedophile vibe
Lee "Do something creepy"
Mike "Grab her by the pussy"
Lee "Buttstroke her"

Under the Pink Flumph
Fenriz picks up the unicorn sculpture
Chmiel "We're not going to walk around town with the unicorn"
Kevin "No, we should totally do that"
Chmiel "Oh, okay"
Tetsuo is questioning the halfling stagehands about their motivations and Lee is getting annoyed.
Lee "They did it for the nookie, the nookie, so you can take the cookie and shove it up your ass"
Lee hates having to come up with random NPC names, and he's already had to provide a bunch. The party comes to the hallway with the stars' dressing rooms
Mike "Are there names on the doors?"
Lee winces…
Michael is asking the Stone questions, Lee mimes shaking a Magic 8 Ball
Lee "Ask again later"
A cloud of darkness explodes out of a crack in the wall
Chmiel (?) "We fight it with happy campfire songs"
Lee "I pull Huey Lewis out of my Bag of Holding and harness the Power of Love"
Talking to the dragon-dwarf
Lee "You could be a bunch of petty thieves"
Jim "Petty? It's not like we're smuggling bobble headed geisha dolls"
The treasure pile is mostly coin, but a few gold pieces of art and such as well
Jim "We robbed Gringotts!"
Mike "And you know how well that worked out"
Bugbears, a drow, a gazer and a grell approach
Kevin "I'm tired of these floaty ball things; they're annoying"
Lee feels his villains always get killed before he uses their best attack, so he's going to lead off with a heavy attack
Lee "I'm going to blow my load"
MC "So glad we could excite you"
Mike "Why is the drow masturbating?"
Valder heals Orie for 10 hit points
MC "Ten points to Gryffindor"
The party gets a finder's fee for the gold, over 7,000gp each
Michael "I want hookers and magic weapons"

Buying Leads
(We had two hours of dinners, unfocused rambling, GoT/Endgame discussions and lots of random nonsense. So I barely wrote anything down- Jim)
Chmiel buys a magic greatsword for his character
Chmiel "Now I can attack with a plus NINE!"
Lee "I might have raised the price if I had known you were going to say that"
Callum is making a new character, a wizard
Jim "What kind of wizard?"
Michael "Wait until you hear…"
Callum "A necromancer"
Jim "Great…"
Callum "Is that bad?"
Callum's necromancer is Chaotic Neutral
Jim "What's your next character going to be?"
Lee asked Callum if he had a backstory
Callum "He's a hermit"
Lee "That's your background, not your backstory"
Callum "It had the word 'back' in it"
Barakiel bought the wizard's tower he was trained in and Mike started all kind of penis/tower jokes
Mike "Look out; he's got a tower"
Lee "The tower is my penis"

Drinking with the Devil
Discussing Callum's necromancer
Lee "He just wants to raise a family…"
Fenriz activates a poison gas trap
Kevin "Stop breathing"
Jim "That might happen"
Lee "Inadvertently"
The noble couple might be evil
Mike "Someone should go up to the lord and lady and say 'Hail Hydra' "

Tower Invasion
Discussing the Cassalanters' surviving children
Jim "They were put in the divine witness protection program"
Orie is a half-drow, so there was some curiosity about her appearance
Michael "How dark are you?"
MC "Are you talking about my complexion or my alignment?"
Lee "She looks Scottish"
Killing time at the dive bar
Lee "Do you want to get some lunch?"
Mike "No thanks, I don't want to get hepatitis"
Lee "You could get some liquor, unless it's Dominican Republic liquor"
The halfling gang walks in to the bar
Mike "It's like the Lollipop Guild"
Lee is looking at an NPC's list of spells
Lee "Holy fuck; I'm casting that!"
Harker fails his saving throw versus Cone of Cold
Mike "Get this man a blanket"
Jim "And a hot toddy"
Mike "I put a pot of tea on the stove"
Jim comes back in from the other room and missed a Bang Bus comment, Bang Bus 32: That's Above My Pay Grade"
Jim "How did it come up?" wanting to document the origin of the quote
MC "It just kept coming up"
Lee "Bang Bus 33: It Just Kept Coming Up"
Barakiel finds some finely crafted and bejeweled wooden wands or batons
Michael "Maybe we can get them enchanted into something"
MC "A buttplug"
Chmiel and Michael missed part two
Lee "Hey, we've only got one Mike, that's going to streamline things. We'll be 5% more efficient"
MC rolls very low damage against the monkey demon
Mike "Tis but a flesh wound. This game is kill the monkey, not spank the monkey"
Jim "Bang Bus 34: Spank the Monkey"
The prison guard tells Edgar to shut up
Callum "Make me"
Jim "Is this your first time in a prison scene?"
Mike "Have you seen Pulp Fiction? That's what's going to happen to you"
Jim "Does 'Turkish prison' mean anything to you?"
Edgar casts Color Spray
Mike "A necromancer after my own heart"
Jim "It's all shades of black and grey"
Callum "Goth Color Spray"
Mike "You cast it by blowing the smoke from your clove cigarette"
'Get on your knees boy' was a repeated phrase
MC "Is there a Bang Bus for get on your knees boy? Bang Bus 35: Get on Your Knees Boy"
Discussing a possible trap
Lee "If the clamps released, the floor would no longer communicate with the wall"
The party finds a Wand of Binding
Callum "Kinky"
MC "It just makes you constipated"
Discussing Edgar's personal washing habits
Mike "You use Dove body wash, but it's just dead doves"
The bridge and catwalk have no railings
Jim "Oh, it's Imperial construction"
Going through the book shelves
Lee "Bang Bus 1: Hot Elves. Bang Bus 2: Hot Elves, signed edition. Bang Bus 3: Hot Elves, My Ears Aren't The Only Thing That's Pointed. Bang Bus 4: Hot Elf on Dwarf Action"
Mike threw out a couple about halflings and hairy feet, but I missed them
Callum "Necromancer 1: The Dead Aren't The Only Things Rising"
Mike "Spectator 1: I Like To Watch. Spectator 2: Will You Do My Wife?"
Summing up the last session for Chmiel and how Edgar disappeared awhile back, but he woke up here in a cell
Jim "We were at the bar; it was last call for karaoke, then I was here"
The room tile is labelled "E1"
Mike "Evil Room 1"
Looking into the purple mist outside
Jim "If you stare into the mist, the mist stares back into you"
The villain has a gold gauntlet
Kevin "How many gems are there on the gauntlet? I just want to see how far we are in the story"
Lee explains it's not Thanos' gauntlet
Chmiel "Good, we don't have to sacrifice our redhead"
A joke was made about a giant clown appearing
Jim "Keep Trump out of this"
MC "I'm not very smart"
Mike <Forrest Gump voice> "But I know what swear words are"
Orie misses again
Chmiel "Can't even hit the bong"
Examining the wizard's study, decorated in purple, with a couch
Chmiel "It's his casting couch"
Kevin "It is totally the 70's in here"
They find a book of dwarvish phrases
Jim "Does it say 'My hovercraft is full of eels'?"
Chmiel "Dwarvish dick jokes"

Entering Undermountain
Talking about opening the inn for business or keeping it private
Chmiel "We might torture people in the basement"
Jim "We've done that"
Kevin "Poorly"
Coming up with names for a ship they were offered, it would be full of seamen…
Mike "The Fallopian tube"
Lee "The Vas Deferens"
Chmiel "There's a vas deferens between those two…"
Chmiel's character is a samurai, but obviously his country in Forgotten Realms has a fantasy name, Kara-Tur
Chmiel "Japanistan"
Two vials recovered had poison, Essence of Ether
Chmiel "Old lady sweat"
Jim "It's not Essence of Ethel"
Chmiel "Just a jar of dust"
Lee <sings> "All we are is dust in a jar"
The city of Waterdeep is built on old dwarven mines, which were built on an older elven city
Kevin "Nothing good comes of that"
The dwarven mines were played out and abandoned
Kevin "They dug too deep"
The party meets Volo again, Chmiel says Tetsuo is giving him a "squinty eye"
Mike "Your character is Asian, aren't his eyes always squinty?"
Jim "Regular squinty or Clint Eastwood?"
Chmiel "Crint Eastwoo"
Discussing legends of the evil wizards in the dungeons
Lee "He became a half lich, or as we like to say, a hich"
Patrons in the Yawning Tavern have a dead pool, and wanted to know the party's name. We settled on "Destined for Demise"
Strange undead creatures demand a bribe to pass through
Callum "Seriously? You have to pay a cover charge to get in?"
Chmiel "It will be a great show, it's totally underground"
Edgar finds a dried up heart
Jim “The Heart of Vecna
The Heart answers questions
Jim “And then the chicken heart began to grow…”
A manticore quizzes the party
Chmiel "It's D&D Jeopardy"
(Brittany sat in and ran Callum's necromancer)
Discussing taking body parts from the manticores
Chmiel "Pickled manticore testicles are great"
Brittany "Great for gravy"
Avoiding the rotting basilisk corpse for fear it's undead
MC "This is just like Harry Potter!"
Jim "We decide not to investigate the basi-lich"
An air elemental attacks the party
Chmiel "My opponent is going to feel a little winded"
Callum's bad handwriting is legendary, Brittany was trying to read his spell sheet
Brittany "What is Snuggling Grasp?"
Jim "Does he have Charm Person?"
Lee "He has Churn Kumquat"
Looking at Callum's sheet after the game, Jim saw he had an "herbalism kilt". Lee replied it was a kilt you can keep your weed in.
Brittany cast Hunger of Hadar, and most people didn't know what the spell did
Jim "It opens a portal to Cthulhu's bedroom and his tentacles come through and attack people"

Three Level Tour
Lee, starting the session "So we're in space…wrong game"
Talking to a very intelligent zombie, that wants the party's help
Mike to Jim "Do you have anything to fuckle with him?"
Jim "Is that a technical term?"
Looking around the room, with a cross section of the dungeon on the wall
Mike "So we're in the waiting room of doom. The lobby of doom"
The crazy old man says he will answer three questions. Two answers will be true, one a lie
Mike "So it's a Tinder profile"
Going through the maze like dungeon, the party will need to slide down a chute to the next level
MC "This is like a bad carnival in Florida"
One room holds a Frankenstein's monster-like flesh golem and a hovering, metal plated skull that radiates electricity
Jim "This is the most metal encounter ever"
Fighting a giant blob-like gibbering mouther
MC "I cast Hail of… Thrones"
Kevin "That would be a good spell; thrones are usually heavy"
Mike "The Iron Throne is very pointy"
Jim "Toilets rain from the sky"
An undead beholder stands sentry
MC "A zombie beholder. A zombeholder"
The party tries to bluff their way past with Invisibility spells and disguises and it watches them pass
Kevin "Keep swimming, keep swimming…"
Looking for a place to rest before entering the drow held areas
Kevin "Is there an inn?"
Lee "There is no inn in Drowtown"
Lee got a spam call, the caller ID said "Hurricaine Bible"
Lee "Sounds like a boxer"
Chmiel "Hurricaine Bible splits the Red Sea"
Coming to a door, Fenriz examines it for traps
Mike "I'll check it. Checkaroni and cheese"
Lee "It's clear"
Mike "I'll crack it open. Crackaroni and cheese"
Tetsuo smashes a giant spider
Chmiel "More like daddy gone legs"
Tetsuo hits another, but doesn't quite kill it
Lee "It's hanging on by a, pardon the pun, by a thread"
The party kills most of the spiders, Lee is looking down his initiative table
Lee "Dead spider, live spider, little ball of fur"
The party kills a xorn, Kevin suggests its gullet may be full of gems
Lee "If someone wants to go digestive tract diving"

Skullport Shuffle
Approaching the guards
Chmiel "Let's walk up all Canadian"
Lee "Walk softly and carry a big hockey stick"
Discussing what Skullport is like
Lee "It's like underground Lockport"
Brittany's new character Caeli has been sent by the Harpers to weaken the Xanathar's Guild's control over Skullport
MC "Make Skullport Great Again?"
Brittany "Yes, but not in a shitty way"
Tasting the crappy local beer
Mike "Is it like Bud Lite?"
Lee "Bud Lite Lime"
Caeli is hiding out in an abandoned mansion and has room for the party to stay with her
Brittany "You can stay at my AirBnB. My AirDnD"
Discussing ingredients for a magic tincture
Chmiel "Eye of newt. It's always eye of newt"
Jim "Wing of bat"
Kevin "Wraith bile"
The party needs the blood of a victim poisoned by a giant spider. The ettercap controlled by Edgar's Crown of Madness bites and poisons a spider
Brittany "Do spiders count as victims? I'm asking for a friend"

Slime River
Emily is playing Fenriz' mother, Myrkur, an infamous assassin
Emily "I have pale skin and hair, but I'm wearing all black"
Mike "Like assassins do"
Talking about how there's a lot of rape in the other campaign Mike and Lee are playing in
Mike "My asshole could swallow a bowling ball"
Emily "So it's 'Deliverance: The Game'?"
Fenriz and Myrkur are doing scouting together
Kevin "Is there a family bonus for stealth?"
A mysterious voice is speaking to the characters, to Fenriz it says: 'Together we will be invincible'
Jim "Tell Palpatine to shut up"
The voice speaks to Orie 'All will love me one day, one day soon'
MC "Things are going well"
And again 'My love will wash over you, body and soul'
MC "That's not creepy"
Emily "Like an unsolicited dick-pic"
Lee was making clicking noises for what the players heard and it sounded like morse code
Lee "If I did morse code, it was the subconscious part of my brain calling for help"
They encounter hook horror monsters
Callum "Hook whores?"
Lee "That's an entirely different adventure"
A kuo toa is trying to make a statue out of pieces of various dead monsters
Callum "Can I buy one of his pieces for my house?"
Jim "He's on Etsy"
The Kuo toa are sick from the slime in the river, which affects them more as water breathers
Lee "It's like they live in Flint and they're drinking the water"
Mike "I'm easy"
Jim "Don't say that in front of your mom"
Lee "That's the way she raised you"
Emily "I have a super power; I can tell embarrassing stories about when Fenriz was young"
Moving through cave after cave, which are described as 'fissures'
Emily "This is the most fissures I've ever penetrated"
Jim "That's what she said"
Mike "Mom…"
Emily "With five <other> people"
Jim "It gets better"
Trying to lure the aboleth out of the water
Emily "I have +3 Performance…"
Jim "Are you going to do a puppet show?"