Warning: these pages contain adult subjects and profanity and are intended for mature readers. No actual maturity was involved.
We've always had a lot of quotable comments flying around, I didn't always have a chance to write them down. I try to do a better job these days and here's a combined page of them. There's also a link to one of my favorite gaming quotes pages and another to a best of list. Some of their stuff is hysterical, sometimes it's so bizarre it makes Matt sound perfectly sane. Their language is pretty profane though. And I have some Quotes of Antiquity from long before Meetup. And the Monty Python "Cheese Shop" sketch redone as the Game Shop Sketch. And the random "That's what she said!" table.
Old Quotes from previous games
Current Quotes
Personal Quotes
Going to see a movie, table rules came up
Jim "We're not at the game table"
Kimi "Cool, I can stuff anything I want up my nose"
We were at a very small game convention, with very few dealers
Matt "There is a man over there knitting. He is crocheting his tears of boredom into a blanket"
Mike "There's a special level of hell for people who fart in elevators and get your order wrong at Mcdonald's"
Talking about Eddie Izzard
MC "He's the Elton John of comedy"
Jim's AD&D Blood Dawn
It Began in a Tavern...
Jim suggests MC be party leader
MC, to boyfriend Mike "That means, wench, you must get me more Cheetos!"
The adventure hook is cast before the players
JoAnne "Amazingly, we didn't see the sign for the railroad"
MC's character was tired and failed a Constitution check to remain alert
MC "I am not constitutionafied enough to make decisions"
JoAnne fails a Strength check climbing down the wall
Jim "You fall and take a point of damage… to your pride"
Chmiel's mage throws a flask of oil at the enemy wizard and gets a direct hit
Jim "The mage is fully involved"
Matt "He's like a Buddhist monk"
The wizard burns to death
Matt "50 Shades of Well Done, 50 Shades of Pink Inside"
Matt's bard sings his battle song…
Matt (Beauty and the Beast song voice) "Nobody sings like Dastan!"
…but is paralyzed after only one round of providing a bonus to the party
MC "You know what battle song stands for? B.S."
Orc Ruins
Kimi's druid Wylie has a pet owl
Kimi "I use the shit from my owl to slick my hair back"
The party can smell the orcs' cook fire
Chmiel "What are they cooking?"
Mike "Meth"
Trying to learn something about the ruin's history
Mike "Can you do something with your bardiness?"
Matt "Do you want to know about drinking or whoring?"
Matt spills coffee on his character sheet
Matt "NOW its a character sheet"
Matt's bard goes down
Natasha (singing) "Nobody dies like Dastan!"
Chmiel (singing) "Nobody fries like Dastan!"
Urban Predators
Discussing vampire mythology
MC "Can I roll my Sam and Dean Supernatural knowledge?"
Chmiel "Its trickle down economics; as the blood trickles down…"
Mike "When there's something strange in the neighborhood"
Matt "We can stage a stake out…"
Matt "NPC stands for No Party Cares"
Matt casts Vicious Mockery on a werewolf
Matt "Your mother was a poodle and you smell of kibble!"
Matt "We must be on a subway; we're getting railroaded underground"
Clare grapples with the werewolf
Jim "Grab it by the scruff of the neck"
MC "I think that's why Latin is a dead language"
Jim "Because of werewolves?"
The werewolf botches his saving throw versus the bard's Suggestion
MC <drag queen voice> "Oh my God, you're gorgeous. I could just chew you into little bits"
The Lorothim Letter
The first hour or so was nothing but dick jokes and a lot of gnome puns. Not writing that down
Matt and Chmiel led the pack on dirty jokes
Chmiel "Why do we go to the same dark, dirty places?"
Jim "Because you're both dark, dirty people"
Matt's bard keeps missing
Jim "The pointy end goes in the other guy"
Lots of bad rolls, one good dick joke
Natasha "I feel like we're just waving our dicks around, no one knows where to stick it"
The party captures the bandits' horses
Matt "Meat's back on the menu boys"
Roskva is doing her fortune telling schtick
Chmiel "You will meet someone tonight, he will be… (rolls friend/foe die) a foe. He will come from… (rolls direction die) the East"
Jim rolls a weather die "It will be partly cloudy"
Matt does a nice fake fortune
Matt "I'm not just telling fortunes, I'm weaving fates"
Trying to follow the bad guys' tracks, but no one has tracking skill
MC "I have Intimidation; I'll intimidate the trail into telling us"
Matt's texts are legendary. Not in a good way…
Mike "It's like reading the DaVinci Code"
The paper mini design for one of the bad guys was a bald human fighter with a huge red mustache. He was referred to as "Mustachio" and "Gingerstache"
Rescue from the Drow
Talking about meeting celebrities and paying for autographs at a recent convention, including the midget from Pirates of the Caribbean
Mike "He should have been half off…"
The survivors are negotiating with the "new" characters
Jim "I feel like this is like playing Munchkin; 'I will help you rescue your friends for two treasures' "
Discussing the new characters
Mike "We picked the handicapped table"
Chmiel "They did come in on the short carriage"
The reinforced party heads to the drow cave
Jim "What's your plan?"
Chmiel "We get a giant wooden badger…"
Jim "Thank you Kevin" Kevin is usually the first one to make the wooden rabbit/badger joke from Monty Python during a planning session
Matt casts Strength of Stone
Chmiel "You didn't have the stones before"
Matt casts Rockburst
Matt "Rocks fall, driders die bitches"
Lee's D&D 5E Storm King's Thunder
Tower of Zephyros
Callum's character has lots of tattoos
Callum "It was a drunk night decision"
Jim "Every night's a drunk night when you're a barbarian"
A dwarf is looking to hire adventurers
Jim "Last time we took a job from a dwarf we got Fireballed repeatedly"
Valfir is haggling for a short sword and it was suggested he could do a side quest to pay for it
Chmiel "Sign outside says 'We don't accept side quests' "
Lee is playing different background side effects
Lee "Scottish Rain. Because it sounds different than regular rain"
Jim "That's because its whiskey, not water"
Lee "There's Fantasy Sewer"
Jim "No, that's where the tentacle monsters live"
The cloud giant's tower on a cloud approaches
Jim "That's no cloud… its a sky castle"
Astrid shakes hands with the giant
Chmiel "I bet it feels big in my baby hand"
Lee "He goes upstairs and does whatever it is giants do"
Valfir is very excitable and outgoing
Chmiel, to Michael "You're like the little kid in Up!"
The cloud castle is slow
Callum "Are we there yet?"
Discussing the magical properties of pixie dust
Callum "Can I snort it?"
Goblins at Goldenfields
Kevin is looking at his character's spell list
Kevin "It looks like it says 'Steer Storm', but I think its supposed to be 'Sleet Storm' "
Lee "As per usual, I worked on it after hockey"
Jim "That would be a cool spell; cows rain down on your enemies"
Callum "Can I have a Cloak of Flying?"
Lee "Yes, because that will do half my work for me"
Michael is playing an overexcited monk
Kevin "Can you detect traps?"
Jim "Yes, when I push him into them"
Making a History skill check
Kevin "I got a one, do I die?"
The town guard captain is a half-orc, and all the local NPCs assume Callum's half-orc must know him and it comes across racist
Michael "All half-orcs know each other"
The temple has guard bears
Michael "I hug the bear"
Jim "We lose more monks that way"
At the inn, Sir Conlan retires early for prayers and caring for his weapons
Michael <makes quotation marks with his hands> "He's 'polishing his blade' "
Jim "I saw that"
Talking about the battle and how a round is only six seconds
Callum "We killed eight people in six seconds"
Kevin "Well, they looked at us funny"
Kevin's character casts a spell and drops a bad guy
Kevin "I like to do a 'one shot, one kill' policy"
Emily wasn't at the game, Kevin texted her that her character was hit by a javelin
Emily <text> "Are we at the Olympics?"
Lee "Well, the streets of Rio were pretty dangerous"
At the beginning of session two, we had a recap for new players and people who missed the last game
Chmiel "Matt was murdered"
Matt "I got better…"
Matt talking about his bard
Matt "I am the Dragon Whisperer"
Jim, points at Mike J "He's a dragonborn"
Mike J "Don't whisper in my ear"
Matt "I like scales against my skin and the ones with forked tongues"
Fighting the hill giants, when the first one is severely wounded, it falls down and cries like a baby
Chmiel "What a bitch giant"
The town is under siege
Lee "You hear a twanging noise"
Chmiel "Damn, it's a country band"
Matt "History is written by the victor"
Lee "Who is this Victor and why is he writing history?"
The ogres have backpack catapults lor launching kamikaze goblins
Chmiel "Its wearable tech, part of GoogleSiege"
Erza picks up a short bow and arrows from a fallen guardsman
Chmiel "Sometimes I ride the short bow"
Chmiel was using a mini of a pig farmer, someone suggested he was encumbered by the pig it is carrying
Lee "Enpigered"
Vincent uses Cutting Words on a giant
Jim "Your mother was an ogre!"
Talking about a used record store
MC "It has the most swagalicious lounge"
The incompetent and cowardly town guard captain shows up and tries to take credit for the battle and Sir Conlan verbally blasts him for his cowardice
Jim "My paladin has a problem with local government"
Waterdeep and Old Gnawbone
Lee refers to the dragon expert as a dragon whisperer
Matt "I am the Dragon Whisperer; there can be only one"
Jim "You can challenge him to a rap battle"
Chmiel "Epic Rap Battles of History"
Talking about acolyte Zi Liang
Lee "Since she's being all monkly, well, clericly"
The party turns down a side quest from someone who might be a thief, he says he represents a group of "like minded businessmen"
Kevin "Amway is really good"
Discussing the funeral plans for Iados
Lee "You can make it open bar and these guys <points at Matt, Chmiel and Michael> will show up"
Jim "That will be more than 60 gold"
The party gets a Potion of Superior Healing
Chmiel "Great, it only works on my boss"
Chmiel "I'm tempted to make a joke"
Jim "When has that ever stopped you?"
The group is making jokes about an S&M Build-A-Bear toy with handcuffs and a ball gag
Jim "Welcome to D&D After Dark"
Michael is deciding which enemy to attack
MC "The one with the smallest health bar floating above their head"
Lee is reading the town description for Red Larch
MC "Is this on the billboard?"
Lee "Its the sign on the exit"
The bard is negotiating for a discount
MC "Why don't you just show some tit?"
Matt "Because my tit is hairy. I may be half elf, but the other half is hairy"
Discussing the the town of Goldenfields was attacked by giants and their defensive walls are in poor repair
Matt "We're going to build a wall against the giants"
Lee "We're going to make Faerun great again"
Callum "I just drink and kill"
Kevin "And I'm all out of drinks"
The inn has poorly done paintings and wood carvings of sexual themes and acts made by the halfling owner
Jim "I feel this is the wrong place to ask to buy some livestock…"
Discussing food at the inn, sausage is the house specialty…
MC "Side pasta is testosteroni"
The party faces Old Gnawbone, they give her some gifts which she tucks away, someone asks where
Lee "She has a fanny pack made of elven skin"
The dragon gives them some clues and tells them to get out of her forest
Kevin "Nicest dragon I've seen today"
Fire in the Night
Callum "There's a fine line between street fighting and assault"
Lee "You have crossed off one of the 164 encounters"
MC "Is there a commemorative magnet I can buy?"
The party sees smoke where the town is supposed to be
Jim "Or was"
Kevin "I'm going to assume they're having a BBQ festival"
Discussing spells to fight fires
Jim, to Kevin "Can you make it rain?"
Lee, Mike and MC all do the 'make it rain' gesture
Mike "Gold pieces everywhere"
Talking about the older but attractive female NPC
Mike "Is she trustworthy?"
The party is splitting up to check the giants' tracks and the hole they dug in the center of town
Lee "Team Hole"
Jim "Team Town"
Lee "Team Town Hole"
Describing the tracks
Lee "Even Callum's 1st edition ranger could follow these tracks"
Talking to the dwarven smith
Lee, in character "How can I help ye?"
Jim "All dwarves are Scottish"
Discussing Viking Metal music
Kevin "I didn't know they had electricity"
Jim is running Chmiel's sorceress Astrid and casts Fireball
Jim "Badda Bing, Badda Boom… Fireball!" Rolls massive damage, wiping the orcs from the map
Lee, picking up the orc paper minis "I'm glad I made all these orcs up"
Lee is reading his notes and laughs and giggles
Jim "When the game master laughs, it's too late. And I say that from personal experience"
Callum "Am I going to die?"
Lee moving fire spirits repeatedly "Fire, fire, fire!"
Kevin is discussing Callum's wounded character
Kevin "Do you have a potion of healing?"
Callum "No, I have 14 hit points"
Kevin "Those are unrelated"
Talking about Michael's monkey hengeyokai character from our Oriental Adventures campaign Blood Vengeance
Michael "I just wanted to get one more level and go bananas"
Jim "Bananas?"
Lee "It's like throwing a pie in his face, but the pie is on fire"
Callum's barbarian goes berserk
Jim "Get your rage on"
A couple of PCs are down
MC "It's like Weekend at Bernie's"
The Road to Everlund
Matt and Michael were talking about 12 year olds talking smack in online games
Jim "How can you talk about banging my mom when you don't even have hair on your balls?"
Looking over Kevin's new Countryman Mini, which has a switch start
Jim "Your car has the three switches!"
Lee "Where do you want to go?"
Chmiel "Narnia!"
Trying to decide if the halfling traveller would slow them down too much if they joined the party
Lee "This sounds like a math problem; the halfling has a 25 foot movement, you have a 30 foot move. What time will you catch up to the halfling if he leaves 6 hours before you?"
Matt "The dragon is moving at 140 feet on a dive bombing run"
Michael "It's a chinese dragon"
Matt "I'd be more afraid of an Australian dragon"
Chmiel "Are people from Yartar called Yartards?"
Chmiel is shopping for travel souvenirs, knick knacks and such
Jim "Let's get this over with; do they have any snow globes?"
Michael's monk is being stealthy
Matt "#justmonkthings"
Discussing the monk's overexcited personality
Jim "Chaotic Attention Deficit"
Lee "Chaotic SQUIRRELL!!!"
Lee "Every use of a Fireball by a PC is useful and constructive"
Discussing how attractive the female PCs are
Chmiel "Ever see an elf in pasties?"
Jim "And we're back to D&D After Dark"
Comparing learning spells, Cleric versus Bards
Kevin "My god is superior to your non-god"
Reading over a spell, Matt laughs
Matt "I am going to cause Independence Day"
Kevin "Do you even own a Macintosh?"
MC "I'm really good at listening"
Chmiel "Except when Mike talks"
MC "What?"
MC is afraid the bard's Moonbeam spell will hit her character
Jim "Hopefully the bard won't moon you"
Jim's paladin is short tempered dealing with various PC and NPC foolishness
MC "You need an anger management course"
Jim "Oh no, I manage my anger right where I want it" I forgot to mention the paladin is a red head…
Talking to the Harpers and seeing a group of winged cats
Kevin "Kitties with wings, it was totally worth dying to come here"
Brawling and Entering
Discussing use of the Harper's teleport portal network and that they can't take horses, they would need to sell their horses and buy new ones each time
Chmiel "There's no Enterprise?"
Lee "Rent-A-Horse? There used to be, but they went out of business because no one ever brought the horses back; they got eaten"
Jim "Extra deposit for half-orcs"
Lee "Callum is used to that"
Talking to the Harpers about the clues from the dragon
Kevin "Are they impressed we talked to a dragon?"
Lee "You did impress them…"
Kevin "We're dumber than they thought"
Discussing travel to Bryn Shander, and there's no good direct route
Lee "You could go through the mountains" The mountains are high and snowy
Jim "No, I saw The Fellowship of the Ring"
Discussing the name and appearence of the Tressym winged cat
Michael "His name is Snowflake; he's yellow"
At the fighting tournament, after Skamos puts down 10 gold at 5-1 odds on Talik
Lee "In this corner, our reigning champion…"
Callum "Oh, shit"
Kevin "I didn't hear that before"
Astrid uses Suggestion a lot to get her way and influence people
MC "You don't need Suggestion with a rack like this"
Lee "You need to have a boob off"
Jim "I'll put gold down on that"
Searching the clothes in the tower
Kevin "Is the clothing evil?"
Lee "Nothing from Hot Topic"
Fighting the guards
Kevin, to Callum "Are the guards orcs? Maybe you know them"
AD&D Bad Hand
Sea of Worlds
Lee is making up his new druid and looking for character artwork, all the female druids have big boobs
Lee "There's something about being a druid that gives you huge breasts"
Jim "When last we left our band of adventurers, there were more of them"
Lee "And they had more clothes"
Lee's druid is a fanboy of his missing bard Jables
Lee "I was in a tavern and heard the most sublime music…"
Jim "Then Jables came on"
The cleric Gyles is all in for fighting evil, regardless of the pay
Michael "Evil gives me a hard on"
Mike "I'm not bunking with him, you go to your room and take care of that"
Lee "He'll be in his bunk"
The party is rolling very poorly for combat and worse for damage when they do hit
Michael "He's going to die the death of a thousand cuts"
Lee "I got a tattoo once that felt like this"
Talking about swimming in the hot springs
(Chmiel and Natasha stood in for Michael and Lee)
Chmiel "Want to see why they call me a wood elf?"
Jim "You are at -1 chips"
The dungeon I used was lots of curves and very alien, but my drawing on the white board looked like a bad anatomy sketch
Jim "Now you're leaving the prostate and travelling down the urethra"
Gyles' clothing and gear disintegrates including the bandages and sutures in his first aid kit, but not the needles
Chmiel "I look like a naked junkie"
Talking about how much Chmiel likes to say "Nein!" for nine and we made jokes like "8+1" instead of saying nine or "Chmiel+1" for ten
Jim rolls a nine for damage against Sya
MC "You Chmieled me"
Jim "Sounds like a warcrime"
Chmiel "It was very be-nine"
Jim "-2 chips"
Jim texted Lee about the powers of the Shrieking Staff, Lee misread it
Lee "When I first read that, I thought it said "goat" form. Worst. Staff. Ever."
Troubles on the Road
Talking about still travelling to KG's castle that he got from the Deck of Many Things
Lee "You have a castle, but it sells hamburgers"
MC "White Castle!"
Lee "Darwin and KG go to White Castle"
Gyles is making a tithe donation to his church
Lee "Official church looting"
Rolling initiative
MC "Chmiel" (She got a nine…)
MC "Can we figure out where the poison came from?"
Lee "It's Mexican poison"
Jim "Even if you save, you still get diarrhea"
The party decides not to stay at the inn after the attack
Mike "I'm going to rip them apart on Yelp"
The party squeezes into a lean to, five guys and Sya
Lee "I've seen enough German porn to know where this is going"
Lee fails his roll for Dispel Magic
Jim "It happens to 1 in 10 druids"
Jim is using cartoon paper miniatures from the Order of the Stick webcomic
Lee "Your NPCs are two-dimensional"
Jim "They're not worth the paper they're printed on"
Lee "They're sketchy"
Darwin casts Call Lightning
Lee "Don't fuck with the First Tree, Bitches!"
The battlemat slipped off the table, dumping all the minis on the floor
Michael "Earthquake, we all die"
Lee's miniature fell out of sight and we couldn't find it
Jim "You fall into a dimensional rift"
Lee "It's so cold and dark"
Darwin has been chatting up the female priest of Tyr, Gyles doesn't want her distracted from her duties
Michael "Tyr has a place for you"
Lee "In my bed"
Shadows attack Gyles, but he doesn't want to drop his Seeking Sword spell to turn them
Lee "What kind of cleric are you? I would have been like 'the power of Tyr compels you bitch' "
Michael asked if he could have turned them automatically, Jim relies he would have destroyed them with no roll
Lee "Worst. Cleric. Ever"
Darwin hits the wizard with 32 thorns from a Thorn Spray spell
Lee "He got the point"
Jim "Booo" takes a chip from Lee
Lee "It was a thorny issue"
One Man's Castle
The nearby town's name is Catun
Jim "Not to be confused with Catan
Lee "Why do they have so many sheep? And big piles of rock?"
Jim "I hear there's a lumber shipment coming in"
Talking to a local in Fin Panir about the castle's history
Michael "Is he trustworthy?"
Lee "We're not looking for that"
The castle belonged to an adventurer, Bruna Riffinsdaughter
Lee "She sounds… substantial"
Mike "Girthy"
Discussing how often Callum's characters are killed, usually due to his poor judgement
Jim "If Callum doesn't kill himself, you're doing something wrong <as a game master>"
Passing through the city of Fin Panir, where the High Lord's main temple and paladin academy is located
Lee "Can we get a paladin student for an intern? A work study?"
Lee "I'm going to drink holy water so if zombies eat my brain, they'll explode"
Michael buys potions of healing to give to other party members
Lee "A cleric buying healing potions? Isn't that like saying you can't do your job?"
Lee is still looking for a paladin student
Lee "Paladintern. I'm going to trademark that"
One last round of shopping
MC "Is there something I need? Can I roll a d20 to see what I need?"
Jim "Okay, shopping is over"
Michael "Do they have…"
Jim "Shopping is over!!"
The inn is the "Sweaty Dancer"
Jim "The sign is a pole dancer"
Lee "Everything's sticky and wet"
Mike "Moist"
Lee is considering shape changing into a bear for the battle, MC let off a string of puns. For example:
MC "That was a grizzly attack. It was possum!"
Mike's favorite death metal song title is "I Ejaculate Fire"
Jim "You should see a urologist"
Mike is drawing on the Battlemat for Jim
Lee "You're a ginger and left handed? Satan is in you"
Reminding Callum he got a deed to the castle from the Deck of Many Things, Mike and MC just bought a house
MC "House hunting is not worth it; the Deck of Many Things is the way to go"
Jim "Its a little fixer-upper"
The party found the garderobes and made monsters in the toilet jokes
Lee "Zombie Toilet; the new album from Cannibal Corpse"
Discussing flipping the keep
Callum "Victorian, not Roman sconces"
Jim takes XP chips back for bad jokes, MC thought she was safe because she didn't have any
Jim "I've given people negative points"
Lee "You're in the chiphole"
Rolling for surprise when zombies attack in the basement, Callum's ranger actually succeeds
Lee "I sense the call of the wild"
Mike "I could build a hell of a lean to down here"
Callum cuts open a bag of chips with his case cutter from work
MC "The bus you rode to school, was it full size or short?"
Discussing needing new furniture for the keep
Lee "We'll go to Medieval Ikea"
Mike "Mikea"
MC kept pushing her dice into a mound, then having to dig through the pile for what she needed
Jim "You're mounding your dice again"
Lee "Mounting?"
MC gets up like she's going to straddle the pile of dice on the table
Jim "I see a new table rule…"
Callum mispronounces 'roulette' in Russian roulette and leads to a spate of dick/gun jokes
Lee "In Russia, gay pistol fucks you"
Michael "Does my healing touch have to be my hand?"
Jim "Yes, because I don't want it to be another body part"
Mike "I'm going to mushroom stamp you"
Jim "You need healing? Tea bag!"
Looking for temples in a small town, they find one to Tyr
Lee "Fucking Tyr's everywhere"
Lee "Elf piss smells like honey"
Mike "That's where honey nut Cheerios come from"
Michael "Devote yourself to Tyr"
Mike "Fuck that, then they got you every month"
Astral Rescue
Darwin casts Seek and receives a vision of Jables' location
Lee "I saw Jables and the good news is he's writing new music!"
Mike "My bard instrument will be the didgeridoo, or a triangle. No, a cowbell!"
Star Wars D6 Rebellion
Character Session
Emily was talking about how Mirialans were made second class citizens and basically put in camps or reservations
Emily "So then Trump, I mean, Palpatine…"
Looking at Assets and Complications
Michael "Would Natural Linguist be useful?"
Lee "No, but Cunning Linguist would be"
Talking about somone's character doing drugs
Lee "He took a hit off the space bong, the spong"
Kevin's character is a Mandalorian who wants to revive their past glory
Lee "Make Mandalore Great Again"
Michael "Build a wall around your world"
Mike "And make the Empire pay for it"
Jim "The Rebel base is code named Oracle"
Emily "Like the sage or part of the nipple?" <she meant areole>
Emily bursts out laughing
Emily "It was so hard to say that with a straight face"
More character slogans
Lee "Feel the Burn"
Kevin "Are you a Flametrooper?"
Emily "Are you gay? Because that's okay"
Kevin "He's not a Flamingtrooper"
Supply Raid
We were discussing if the planet Tel III had any moons and Emily suggested it had 14
Lee "Take your girlfriend outside and fondle each other through your spacesuits under the light of 14 moons"
Emily "I can't imagine what the tides are like"
Michael "When the moons line up, you get 100 foot waves"
Jim "That's when the surfer convention arrives"
Discussing that the campaign starts after the Battle of Yavin and that the destruction of the Death Star was a tremendous boost for Rebel morale and recruiting
Jim "There's a new hope"
Lee "I feel the Empire will strike back"
Mike "Someone will return"
The adventure takes place in the Laud system, which Jim mispronounced as "loud"
Lee "You can hear it from miles away"
Jim "Have you been hanging around with Chmiel?"
The mission shouldn't be too hard
Lee "Its a milk run. A blue milk run"
Discussing Lee's character only goes by his nickname
Lee "You don't know my name"
Michael "Its on your W-2"
Continual jokes and puns about being in the "Loud" system
Lee "It comes out loud, but no one notices because the ambient noise is so high"
C'athall and Varek are not doing well bribing the supply officer
Lee "Worst. Bribers. Ever."
Michael rolls to hit with two shots and due to bad rolls and botches, ends up with totals in the single digits
Lee "The troopers look at you and say 'That's a bad shot. And we're Imperials…' "
Rolling to see if Hack accidentally shoots C'athall or Varek
Kevin "If you shoot us, you're getting a talking to"
Jim asks Kevin a question about Varek's stats
Kevin "I have a two Knowledge"
Lee "Two dice or two points?"
Jim "Do you have Forgery?"
Lee "Poetry?"
Emily "That's what I heard, too"
Jim "It is not a pork truck"
Lee fails his Forgery to concoct an authentic sounding recall order to the TIE fighters
Lee "I might have done better rolling Poetry"
Refinery Strike
Discussing a disguise kit to conceal Leelan's race
Lee "Its called black face"
Jim "Space face"
Leelan's R5 has artwork inspired by Mirialan tattoos
Jim "Nice graffitti, did some Jawa kids steal it?"
Jim, to Michael "You may use Con <skill>"
Lee "Khan!!"
Smuggling weapons on board the transport
Jim "There's no T.S.A., so it should be easy"
Emily "There will be after this"
Jim "<newscaster voice> Mirialan terrorists destroy refinery"
Trying to make small talk with the employees
Lee "Do you work here often?"
Lee's character is being rebellious and C'athal, the team commander, regards him as being childish
Mike "Wait until I talk to your mother… Oh wait"
Mass "Ooowwww"
The players kept warning each other not to mention they had bombs
Kevin "How about those training videos? They're dynamite!"
Lee "Don't mention the bomb!"
Lots of "Somebody set us up the bomb" comments, mostly from Lee
Discussing the bombs, Jim says they are equal to at least a kilo of C4
Lee "How much is that?"
Emily (laughing) "You don't understand metric?" because Lee is Canadian and that's what they use
Lee "No, I don't know how much explosive it is"
Lee wants Hack to carry a bomb, but Mike says no, so Lee writes a protest poem
Lee "The Capt'n won't let me take the bomb,
Words can't explain how much he's wrong,
If I had the bomb, I'd BE the bomb,
But I guess we'll never know."
Planning the escape
Emily "I imagine we'll have a sloppy escape, yelling 'Run away, run away!' "
Talking about stealing the partially loaded ore freighter docked at the refinery
Lee "We could drop rocks on people and they could die"
Jim "Believe me, I'm thinking about that right now"
Stealing an escape speeder
Kevin "We walk briskly to the speeders"
Mike wants to fire the carbine, even though it does the same damage as his pistol
Mike "Rifle skill lets me roll more dice"
He rolls and gets ones on almost half his dice
Jim "More dice means more ones"
Quid Pro Quo
Discussing buying an airspeeder
Emily "We could almost buy our own ship for that"
Going to the spaceport bar
Michael "Is it a spiki (space tiki) bar?"
Jim "We go to ze meeting" (bad French accent, I don't know why)
Emily (confused) "Zee Mi Ting? Who's that?"
The contact is Graxi Takka
Emily "When I see his name, I want to say 'Graxi Taxi' "
The crime syndicate's offices are very posh
Emily "Did I bring my droid?"
Jim "Not unless he's serving drinks"
Emily "Never bring a droid to a knife fight"
During the meeting with the crime boss
Michael "Does he open a side door to show a bloody body hanging in chains?"
Jim "No, but I admit there is a little Niska vibe here"
Varek shoots a trooper and Kevin is disappointed he isn't wounded
Jim "He is wearing armor"
Kevin "Oh… Lame. It's not sporting"
Deathwatch
Discussing some D&D podcast's character
Michael "He was sleeping around like bards do"
Emily "Are bards known for that?"
Jim "Just ask Matt"
Emily "So bards are like the lead guitar player?"
And the Raise Dead ceremony, which requires some friends to come to help lure the dead soul back to life
Jim "Its a reverse eulogy"
The player characters are praised and get a bonus for getting the medical supplies for free practically
Emily "Do we get an award ceremony?"
Jim "Everyone gets a commendation in their records"
Emily "Five commendations earn you an award ceremony"
Kevin "Unless you're a Wookie. Or a droid"
One of the Rebel Y-wings from the Black Knives squadron is missing
Michael "Black Knives Matter"
Jim groans and penalizes Michael a chip for the bad pun
Emily "You've been waiting to say that, haven't you?"
Michael "Ever since he said 'Black Knives' "
The crew splits up on Genesia, looking for work
Emily "We're going to crime casual"
Describing the different Mandalorians and their tricked out armor
Emily "Mandalorians seem complicated"
Varek defeats the Mandalorian that attacked him
Michael "You need to cut off his head to gain his power"
Jim "This isn't Highlander"
Discussing why Deathwatch might be after Varek
Jim "You stole a ship"
Kevin " 'Stole' is a strong word' "
Scrapyard
(GM's note: I don't know what got into everyone, but we had an incredible amount of off-color jokes, NSFW references and dick sketching. And Matt wasn't even there! A lot of it never made it into my notes and at one point I flatly refused to write down anymore. So it was much worse than these comments suggest.)
Emily "I'm going to tell…"
Jim <sings> "She's going to tell"
Kevin "I run in and yell 'No singing! No singing on my ship' "
Talking about if Michael's character had a chance to tell his contact he had to flee the planet
Jim <mimes phone call> " 'We got to get offworld now… Yeah, bounty hunters.' It's an occupational hazard for career criminals"
Describing Chag's base of operations
Emily "It has its own junkyard inside. Its a junkyard inside a junkyard"
Kevin "Its Junkception"
Zaonderh remains behind on the ship
Jim "You're polishing your horns"
Emily "Is that what they're calling it these days?"
Looking for a ground vehicle in the junkyard
Lee "What about a food truck? They're everywhere, no one would pay any attention to us"
The crew got a discount on parts and got some money back and were discussing how to spend it
Mike "I'm getting the daily special on Pornhub"
Lee "I'm getting soup AND salad"
Lee's character was talking loud
Mike "Yeah, he's got Tourette's, just ignore him"
The crew is discussing what weapons and stuff to wear in the pirate town and decide to hit the local restaurant
Kevin, thoughtfully "You know… if we're going to a restaurant, I'm not going to wear my shoulder guns"
Jim "A Mandalorian, a Devaronian and a Mirialan walk into a bar…"
Kevin "You're looking at me? As overdressed?"
Discussing fashion in the Star Wars universe
Lee "Its an advanced society, so there are no ties"
Emily "I decided 'Hack' means chicken in Mirialan, but there are no chickens in Star Wars, like there is no underwear"
Michael mimed throwing up so well, for a moment Jim thought he was really choking
Mike "That's real roleplaying"
Lee "It's terrible using Google in Scotland," <great Scottish accent> "Angus, why don't you Goooogle it?"
Describing the local storage buildings, and that the owner sells stuff people leave behind, or takes merchandise as payment to sell later
Lee "Its Storage Wars!"
The storage building owner is an Elomin
Kevin, to Michael "You talk to him, horns talk to horns, its a rule"
The bartender put some booze in Hack's blue milk
Lee "Can I get an Irish Blue Milk?"
Kevin "Blue Milk Bomb"
Kevin "As Mandalorians, we don't have emotions"
Pilot Rescue
Michael has his dice laid out in a pattern on the table
Lee "Looks like you have a dice dick"
Looking at the map of the slavers' compound
Lee "Is that a fence?"
Emily "Dearest Kevin, I hope this plan finds you well"
Sneaking up on the enemy compound
Kevin "I hope we don't have a random encounter"
Discussing what they are wearing to attack
Lee "Its a black tie attack"
MC stopped in after work to bring Mike dinner
MC "I had the greatest experience at the gynecologist…"
The Star Wars end credits theme comes up on the playlist
Emily "Sorry guys, its over"
Mike "You'll have to wait until the next episode"
Searching the enemy shuttle
Kevin "Is it packed with gold?"
Lee "Its Myrrh"
Michael wants to keep the droid from the Y-wing
Kevin "The plans in that droid are critical"
Michael "What plans?"
Kevin "I don't know"
Michael "Can I find some discreet armor?"
Emily "Like from an adult store? Armor in a plain brown wrapper?"
Working on upgrading the ship
Lee "We sign up for an episode of Pimp My Ride"
Spending chips for improving skills
Lee "How do you learn Dodge <skill>?"
Jim "They take you down to the firing range and shoot at you with stun guns"
Mike "How many chips does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"
Droid Army Cache
Rolling initiative to see who gets the best chair in the briefing room, Lee super botches
Lee "I'm dragged out of the room by United Airlines"
During the briefing
Lee "That's not a distress call… It's a warning!"
The ship upgrades are complete, including the sensor jammer
Kevin "Yay! We can throw jam at people"
Kevin rolls so-so for a Piloting check
Jim "Adequate flying"
Kevin "I flew casual"
Scanning the planet, Emily beats Lee's Sensors roll
Lee "I was insensitive"
Talking about figuring out what was going on, someone suggested playing a TV game show
Michael "I want to buy a vowel"
Jim "You've got a pile of chips"
Lee "One big vowel movement"
Hack is working on the base's old computers and the rest of the team splits up to explore the base
Kevin "Did we want to leave him behind?"
Lee "Well, you all fucking did"
The battle droids attack the party
Lee "Exterminate!"
Trying to figure out how the tanks work
Kevin "How are these powered?"
Lee "Steam"
The Probe droid attacks
Michael "I'm behind Kevin, wherever he is"
Rehashing the last session for Mike, who came late, discussing Leelan's problems starting the tanks
Emily "Whenever I set something on fire, it's not on purpose. Unless I meant to do it"
Discussing Mirialans in galactic society
Emily "Are they like the Amish?"
Jim "No, they have wi-fi"
Talking about Emily's bad rolls
Emily "I haven't been playing this game very well today, its all luck based" <rolls poorly> "Oh shit…"
Michael "Its good you can roll that many 1's and 2's and still succeed"
"Groom the wookie" was a new euphemism
Discussing a famous science fiction star who attended a local convention and what a tool he is
Mike "He's the whole tool box"
The players spent points to improve their characters and the usual "Training montage" became the "Grooming montage"
Boots on the Ground
Emily rolls on Leelan's random activities table
Emily "Flight simulator <training> programs"
Lee "NERD!"
Discussing how Michael's character gets shot or locked in a car trunk when they visit Genesia
Michael "Its a trunk adventure; I got shot last time"
Kevin gets Varek's helmet sensor bonus on a roll
Jim "He wears his helmet all the time"
Lee "Are you Judge Dredd?"
The Empire is deploying a garrison to Genesia to crack down on illegal trade
Kevin "This sounds like a conversation at the White House"
Jim "The Empire's going to build a wall"
Mike "And Genesia's going to pay for it"
Leelan is looking for ship parts in a junkyard
Emily "Got any sensor packages?"
Jim "Go fish"
C'athall is flirting with the transport pilot and mentions his character has a nipple ring with a feather, which leads to jokes about dreamcatcher nipple rings and a trip to the internet to see that they do exist.
Jim "Okay, we've lost focus, that's it for tonight"
