Silly Quotes and Smart Remarks

Warning: these pages contain adult subjects and profanity and are intended for mature readers. No actual maturity was involved.

We've always had a lot of quotable comments flying around, I didn't always have a chance to write them down. I try to do a better job these days and here's a combined page of them. And I have some Quotes of Antiquity from long before Meetup. And the Monty Python "Cheese Shop" sketch redone as the Game Shop Sketch. And the random "That's what she said!" table. There's also Inside Jokes with some running gags.

Old Quotes from previous games

Current Quotes

Mountains of Madness
First game, there was a little reading issue
Mike "What is frugal honey?"
Lee "I think its fungal honey"
We flipped over one of the upper cards which needed lots of resources
Emily "That's lots of tools"
MC "More tools than a Five Finger Death Punch concert"

Mike's D&D 5E "The Sunless Citadel"
Caite "Why do I have a dating app on my character sheet?" It was a tinder box…
Chmiel kept mispronouncing rapier, making it sound like "raper" and Caite was confused so Marcus explained it was a kind of fencing sword
Caite "I know what a fencing sword is, I didn't know what a 'raper' was"
Jim "A Hollywood producer?"
Chmiel stabs an enemy in the chest for max damage with his rapier
Chmiel "I give him a reverse zipper tits!"
Everyone "WHAT?!?"
Chmiel explained that it was his dad's friend's term for his nasty open heart surgery scar
Lee "Bang Bus 12: Zipper Tits"
Mike describes the boss villains, including the evil sorceress
Lee "She sounds kind of sexy"
Jim "She's not trustworthy"

Mike's D&D 5E Tomb of Annihilation
Welcome to the Jungle
Caite "Can I get another tinderbox?"
Mike "Don't grab the one with AIDS"
Marcus "I think that would be grindbox"
Visiting the merchant prince's castle, looking at all the expensive furnishings and items on display
Mike "If you learned anything from Aladdin, don't touch shit"
Discussing guides, MC said one had heart
Scott "Rudy had a big heart and he sucked at football"
In the Thundering Lizard bar
Mike "The bar smells like piss"
Jim "Oh, like The Pink" (a dive bar in the Allentown district of Buffalo)

Plundered Temple
Reading the note on the altar
Lee “Aughhh...
Bricks fall and strike the party
Lee “This construction is not up to code”
Checking the wights, they have some swords
Mike "They might be worth 15gp each if someone polishes them. Maybe Jim's character can polish them"
Picking on Jim because his paladin in Lee's game is fastidious about caring for his weapons
Mike "He's a PPP; perpetually polishing paladin"
The rogue finds an animal claw in the tree house
Mike “Its from some kind of lion or tiger”
MC and Alicia “Or bear”
The party hears some kind of roaring in the jungle
Bonnie to Alicia “Was that your stomach? Are you hungry?”
Facing the were-tiger
Bonnie "He just wants someone to be his fluffer"

Hedging your Bets
Making stripper jokes while passing around change from ordering dinner
Marcus "I'm used to picking up singles"
Bonnie "With what…?"
Moving into the hedge maze
Caite "Its like Maze Runner. Or the Goblet of Fire"
Mike "Let's go with Goblet of Fire"
Lee "There's a bustle in the hedgerow"
Caite botches and hits Bonnie's character
Caite "Can we use dice that don't have ones on them?"
Discussing the different colors of grungs by castes
Jim "Don't lick the frogs"
The grung leader is king Groak
Lee "Supreme leader Groke?"
The grung priest wants to do an illusion of the grung goddess to fool the king
Jim "Frog porn"

Garden Party
Our new player Scott C brought a half-orc barbarian named Nanoc Doombringer
Lee "He's available for kids' parties"
Talking to the yuan-ti, Mike gave them a sibilant, lisping accent and we responded in kind
Lee "You are missstaken"
Mike "Mis-snaken"
Crossing the bridges into Kir Sabal, many people fell and took damage
Lee "We fought the snake guys and won, but then we died crossing a bridge"
Lee's character spends the night with the princess
Scott C "In the words of Tone Loc, she is walking with a limp"
Discussing the barbarian's history as a dinosaur fighting pit gladiator
Alicia "Does he look like Russell Crowe?"
Mike is drawing the map and everyone is making guesses
Bonnie "Pictionary!"
A giant man eating plant attacks the party
Jim "Feed me Seymour!"
Bonnie rolls minimum damage of 2hp for her dragonborn's breath weapon attack
Bonnie "How does that happen?"
Lee "It was an ice hairball"

Peaks of Flame
Discussing dinner with the bird people
Lee "Raw seeds and corn"
Mike "They give you a chunk of suet"
Talking about flying to the Peaks of Flame
Alicia "Because there are t-rexs, are there pterodactyls?"
Following the ore cart tracks
Jim "The railroad"
Lee "We are literally being railroaded"
People are questioning Bonnie on finding a rock, how does she know how much it weighs, could be different density
Bonnie "Holy shit, I was just looking for a fucking rock!"
Describing the kobolds
Bonnie "Lots of sleeping… assholes"

City of Snakes
Reading the grafitti in the guard house
Jim "We missed the poetry slam"
Alicia "For a good time, call…"
A long boulevard runs almost all the way across the city, north to south
Bonnie "The Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
The rescued scribe has a russian accent
Mike "I'm following Lee's tradition of making NPCs russian"
Rehashing for people who missed the last session, we need to collect nine puzzle stones
Caite "Is there a magic glove this is going in?"
Discussing marching order, Scott M and Scott C are at the rear
Bonnie "Two Scotts in the rear"
Lee, Scottish accent "Two Scots in the rear, that's the punchline of every joke in Glasgow"
Lots of wine and snacks were passed around the table
The party lights torches as they enter a shrine
MC, waving her wine glass "We're lit"
Jim "Some more than others"
Aria casts a Minor Illusion to fake a Wall of Fire, but we're having trouble seeing the map because of all the food on the table
Bonnie "Wall of Fire, Wall of Snacks"
Trying to decide where to go next
Bonnie "Mystery Shrine for 400"
The ghast shrieks when hit by a Firebolt
Caite "Like a lobster when you drop it in the pot"
Making comments about lubricating the key before putting it in the pedestal
Alicia "Just spit on it and stick it in"
Mike "Alicia likes it rough"
Jim botches on his stealth check
Mike "Jim's character falls and all his stuff rattles"
Bonnie "He falls into a china shop"
Discussing music
Scott C "Dubstep sounds like Optimus Prime jerking off"
Lee’s character steps on a tile and a blade swings out from the wall and hits him
Lee <shouting back through the maze> “Do not step on the tiles!”
Scott M, pretending to misunderstand “You have large piles?”
Marcus “You want to see Ryan Stiles?”

Offer you can't Refuse
Discussing what creatures might be in the water
Bonnie, looking at Scott C "No dragon tails for someone to poke"
Something is running towards the party at regular 30 feet/turn movement
Bonnie "Two trains leave…"
Mike "Make a Perception check"
Lee "And realize its pointless"
The bard and wild mages turn Invisible to approach the Yuan-ti lair
Lee "Team Invisible"
Jim "Team Low Hit Points"
MC is going to cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter
Lee "I like the alternate spell; Tasha's Hideous Sister"
Discussing attacking with Fireball
Scott M "I'm a firm believer in "No bombs back to the hangar", we should use Fireball
The Yuan-ti priestess is is talking to the party
Jim "Paint me like one of your French snakes"
Lee "Let me stop you sweetheart"
Bonnie "Uh oh, mansplaining coming in"
Jim's character pulls the concealed map out of his shorts
Scott C "Step one, cut a hole in the map…"

Star Wars D6 Rebellion

Mimics
Discussing an outdoor LARP game of Lord of the Rings Emily played in college
Emily "…And I couldn't find Mt. Doom"
Lee "Its in Mordor"
Emily "But I was in Wisconsin"
Still looking for other Mirialans
Lee "Mirialan Tinder"
Jim "Space Tinder, Spinder"
Lee "But there's only three accounts"
Discussing issues at the new base planet
Emily "Space spores suck because its still spores"
Redo is reprogrammed to be a pilot
Lee "To make you feel better, I'm going to paint a big red eye <on Redo> and name it HAL9000"
Finding the dead Mon Calamari
Mike “Did the Mon Cal leave a message in blood? 'I'm in Hell, come find me' "
Examining the dead Mon Cal
Emily "I put cocktail sauce on the Mon Cal before I lick it"
Mike "Does it have a tentacle vagina?"
MC "Suction cup nipples?"
Emily "Space farts are the worst"
Mike "In space, no one can hear you fart"
Walking through the woods
Mike "If you hear banjos, run like Hell"
Discussing what kind of single biome planet this is
Kevin "Its the Australian planet, everything is trying to kill you"

Revolution
The mining colony is on the planet Cirra
MC "Cirra? Like Sierra? Sounds like a stripper name"
Mike "Cirra, the stripper planet"
The players are still complaining about needing filter masks or respirators to go outside on the new base planet
Lee "Bang Bus 22: Two Girls, One Respirator"
Planning the start of the workers' revolt
Kevin "I thought we were going to be pamphleting"
Jim "Its not a leaflet campaign"
Making bad astrogation rolls
Mike "We got lost at the last star"
Jim "Should have turned left at Aldebaran"
Last minute ideas for running the patrols
Lee "Let's strip the shielding from our reactor core and strap some bodies to our ship and they'll think we're reavers"
Arming the freed slave workers
Emily "Can I pass out guns to the slaves and say 'I'm Leelan, do you want some guns?' "
Jim "History repeats itself"
Emily "With a character with a strangely similar name"
Leelan is sniping at a security droid
Lee "Shoot him in the head"
Emily "Can't I shoot him in the actuator so he can't move?"
Lee "Shoot him in the head actuator"
Freeing the workers
Lee "Any 18 year old slave girls who need help, I'm all over that." (Thinks about how that sounded) "Not in a rapey way"
Searching the compound
Lee "Oh, Jim, I did try to rape the computer system"
Emily rolls poorly for Leelan's Perception
Jim "Leelan's looking for the motor pool"
Emily "He found a pool…"
The team hits a troop transport and the soldiers inside bail out
Lee "They're now the Foot Clan"
The local rebels carry supples from the prison camp and the rescued workers back to the caves they hide out in
Emily "This is so Afghani…"
After the ship accident, there's a discussion of cannibalism, but Jim points out some species may not be edible by other races
Jim "Mirialans are radioactive, extra zesty"
Lee "Hot wings"
Emily "The radioactivity tingles on your tongue"

Scavengers
Emily makes a successful roll
Emily "I didn't die"
MC pointing at Emily's d6 "You didn't die"
Remembering who was wounded in the last adventure
Emily "I lost my foot"
MC "Do you need help finding it?"
The crew outside the ship are using lots of safety lines
Mike "I literally look like a marionette"
Redirecting power to extend life support
Emily, to Lee "I diverted power from your porn"
Jim "You're going to survive an extra week"
Emily "It was the largest power draw"
Surrendering to the scavengers, trying to look nonthreatening
Emily "I'll act more wounded than I am"
Mike "You wrap your head with an old Civil War bandage"
Hack mouths off to the guards and one hits him with the butt of his blaster rifle, which is a buttstroke, but no one else knew that, so for the rest of the night, it was all sexual innuendo such as:
Mike "He buttstrokes you, running his hand down the curve of your butt"
Discussing how to attack the Aqualish, who are spider-walrus men
MC "Grab them by the pussy"
Lee "Grab them by the ovipositer"
Their ship's cargo bay is inside the other ship's cargo bay
Lee "Cargoception"
Emily's character is tied to a cargo ring in the floor and trying to fight
Lee "You could foot sweep him"
Mike "But you've only got one foot"
An enemy is hit and wounded twice
Kevin "He's double wounded, its like double secret probation with blood"
The secret word to attack was moist, and Leelan was walking around on his stump so of course we added
Lee "Bang Bus 23, Moist Stump"
Emily "Bang Bus 24, Butt Strokelandia"
Looking down the long hallway of the bridge deck, with all the doors to side rooms
Kevin "Doors and Corners"
Leelan puts his wounded leg in the autodoc and it sedates him and he passes out
Mike "You're going to wake up with a Deadpool baby foot"

Liberation of Bacrana
Leelan gets a seismic motion detector in his prosthetic foot, Emily wants it activate by a tongue control like Clarissa Mao in The Expanse.
Mike "You look like an old man chewing on peanut brittle"
The spaceliner solo cabin is very small like one on a train
Kevin "The future of the past is now"
Lee "Instead of Clone Wars, it should be clone porn. Clone Whores"
Jim "That puts a whole new spin on Disney's new <Clone Wars cartoon> series"
Renting a shuttle
Kevin "We should take the insurance option"
Emily rolls well for Leelan to fly the shuttle and Emily is proud of her character's flying
Emily "We should have an award ceremony"
Michael <slow golf clap>
Lee "Are we there yet?"=
Discussing the gross green milk from the sea cows in The Last Jedi, the Wookieepedia says "Characterized by their udders, large flippers, and long snout…"
Mike "That's how you characterize strippers; by their udders"
Trying to flirt with the stormtroopers, Aurin deliberately spills her drink on her shirt
MC " 'Pour some sugar on me' comes on"
At the beginning of the second session
Lee "Are we going to have a Rogue One ending?"
Jim "I hadn't planned on it"
Discussing how the characters could do themselves in
Kevin "Oh, this is a <Tibanna> gas mine?"
Lee "Darth Vader can't be that tough"
Jim "I hadn't planned on a TPK, but if you screw up enough…"
Lee "Challenge accepted!"
Aurin is tying up the stormtrooper
MC "Not hog tied, just 50 Shades of Grey
Varek helps Aurin with the stormtrooper
Mike "Are you going to bum rush him? Or butt stroke?"
Kevin decides Varek will hit the stormtrooper with his rifle's stock
Mike "You ARE going to butt stroke him"
Lee "We've now moved into a different kind of roleplaying"
Talking about new Dr. Who and meeting Peter Capaldi at a con
Lee "Peter Capaldi is the House of Dr. Who"
Discussing renting/stealing vehicles for the raid
Lee "Can we get a bus and call it the Bang Bus?"
C'athall is going to go all out to attack
Mike "I am going John Wick"
MC "Pencils shoot out of his blaster"

Jim's AD&D Blood Dawn
It Began in a Tavern...
Jim suggests MC be party leader
MC, to boyfriend Mike "That means, wench, you must get me more Cheetos!"
The adventure hook is cast before the players
JoAnne "Amazingly, we didn't see the sign for the railroad"
MC's character was tired and failed a Constitution check to remain alert
MC "I am not constitutionafied enough to make decisions"
JoAnne fails a Strength check climbing down the wall
Jim "You fall and take a point of damage… to your pride"
Chmiel's mage throws a flask of oil at the enemy wizard and gets a direct hit
Jim "The mage is fully involved"
Matt "He's like a Buddhist monk"
The wizard burns to death
Matt "50 Shades of Well Done, 50 Shades of Pink Inside"
Matt's bard sings his battle song…
Matt (Beauty and the Beast song voice) "Nobody sings like Dastan!"
…but is paralyzed after only one round of providing a bonus to the party
MC "You know what battle song stands for? B.S."

Orc Ruins
Kimi's druid Wylie has a pet owl
Kimi "I use the shit from my owl to slick my hair back"
The party can smell the orcs' cook fire
Chmiel "What are they cooking?"
Mike "Meth"
Trying to learn something about the ruin's history
Mike "Can you do something with your bardiness?"
Matt "Do you want to know about drinking or whoring?"
Matt spills coffee on his character sheet
Matt "NOW its a character sheet"
Matt's bard goes down
Natasha (singing) "Nobody dies like Dastan!"
Chmiel (singing) "Nobody fries like Dastan!"

Urban Predators
Discussing vampire mythology
MC "Can I roll my Sam and Dean Supernatural knowledge?"
Chmiel "Its trickle down economics; as the blood trickles down…"
Mike "When there's something strange in the neighborhood"
Matt "We can stage a stake out…"
Matt "NPC stands for No Party Cares"
Matt casts Vicious Mockery on a werewolf
Matt "Your mother was a poodle and you smell of kibble!"
Matt "We must be on a subway; we're getting railroaded underground"
Clare grapples with the werewolf
Jim "Grab it by the scruff of the neck"
MC "I think that's why Latin is a dead language"
Jim "Because of werewolves?"
The werewolf botches his saving throw versus the bard's Suggestion
MC <drag queen voice> "Oh my God, you're gorgeous. I could just chew you into little bits"

The Lorothim Letter
The first hour or so was nothing but dick jokes and a lot of gnome puns. Not writing that down
Matt and Chmiel led the pack on dirty jokes
Chmiel "Why do we go to the same dark, dirty places?"
Jim "Because you're both dark, dirty people"
Matt's bard keeps missing
Jim "The pointy end goes in the other guy"
Lots of bad rolls, one good dick joke
Natasha "I feel like we're just waving our dicks around, no one knows where to stick it"
The party captures the bandits' horses
Matt "Meat's back on the menu boys"
Roskva is doing her fortune telling schtick
Chmiel "You will meet someone tonight, he will be… (rolls friend/foe die) a foe. He will come from… (rolls direction die) the East"
Jim rolls a weather die "It will be partly cloudy"
Matt does a nice fake fortune
Matt "I'm not just telling fortunes, I'm weaving fates"
Trying to follow the bad guys' tracks, but no one has tracking skill
MC "I have Intimidation; I'll intimidate the trail into telling us"
Matt's texts are legendary. Not in a good way…
Mike "It's like reading the DaVinci Code"
The paper mini design for one of the bad guys was a bald human fighter with a huge red mustache. He was referred to as "Mustachio" and "Gingerstache"

Rescue from the Drow
Talking about meeting celebrities and paying for autographs at a recent convention, including the midget from Pirates of the Caribbean
Mike "He should have been half off…"
The survivors are negotiating with the "new" characters
Jim "I feel like this is like playing Munchkin; 'I will help you rescue your friends for two treasures' "
Discussing the new characters
Mike "We picked the handicapped table"
Chmiel "They did come in on the short carriage"
The reinforced party heads to the drow cave
Jim "What's your plan?"
Chmiel "We get a giant wooden badger…"
Jim "Thank you Kevin" Kevin is usually the first one to make the wooden rabbit/badger joke from Monty Python during a planning session
Matt casts Strength of Stone
Chmiel "You didn't have the stones before"
Matt casts Rockburst
Matt "Rocks fall, driders die bitches"

The Road South
Matt is talking about his dwarf
Matt "I lift up my shirt and its all hair"
Jim "Your beard grows into it"
Kimi "Just like real life"
Still talking about his dwarf
Matt "Its okay; I've got a giant shield"
Mike "Well, its a normal shield but its giant to him"
MC "So he's compensating"
Attacking the ogre camp at night
Mike "I don't want to die in the night"
Jim "You want to die in the morning?"
Mike "Bad things happen in the night"
MC "I've grown up to be the eco-terrorist I've always wanted to be"
At the beginning of the second session, reviewing the plot and that they are on the way to the city of Ifoss
Ryan "Ifoss my teeth"
Chmiel "Ifoss-ter small animals"
The townsfolk claim a witch led the ogres
Matt "She turned me into a newt"
Chmiel "I'm the only witch here and I'm a good one"
The party trails the witch to a deserted farm house
MC "Can I lick the walls?" Everyone was confused "To see if they're candy and figure out what kind of witch we're dealing with"
Evard's Black Tentacles spell erupts in the middle of the party and they are grabbed by the spell tentacles
Matt "I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going…"
MC rolls a Perception check and rolls a 19 when she wanted to roll low
MC "I rolled with the wrong hand; I went lefty instead of righty"
GM's note: With my players penchant for offcolor references and dick jokes, I knew what was coming as soon as I said "Lamia". But that monster fit my requirements perfectly. So…
Mike "She's a labia"
Chmiel "You ran your sword through the labia"
Mike "We gangbanged the labia in the corner"
Kimi and MC's characters did the most damage
MC "Takes a pussy to kill a pussy"

On the Hunt
Kimi finishes one of the monsters
Kimi "I killed one!"
MC "I think I killed three…"
Kimi "Did you just humble brag?"
Kimi "Suck my big barbarian labia"

Ifoss Intrigues
Chmiel "We should get lunch in Elftown"
Chmiel's mage is playing fast and loose with Charm Person spell and leaning towards evil
Jim "I'm going upstairs to get the first campaign folder and have Joram the cleric spank your mage"
Going out at night to visit the whorehouses for information
Matt "I wear my purple cloak"
Jim "Is that your pimpin' cloak?"
Chmiel's mage hires a prostitute for the evening and heads back to the party's inn the next morning
Mike "You better clean yourself first; all the alley cats are following you like a can of tuna"
Discussing a Ring of Protection
MC "That's a chastity belt"
Looking for an inn
Chmiel "Gspot would be a great name for a cafe"
Ryan "But no one would be able to find it"
MC "No man would be able to find it"
Chmiel "We go looking for the Artists' Quarter- Hipster Town"
Undead attack the party
MC "There's no hobbits here, we don't have a ring"
Discussing various ways to check for traps
Matt "Cure Moderate Wounds works as a trap finder in hindsight"
Discussing weight versus bulk of characters crossing a rope bridge
Matt "I'm very dense" <general snickering>
MC rolls poorly
MC "Fuck balls!"
Kimi's barbarian is interrogating the prisoner
Kimi "I want to bite his ear off"
Matt and Jim "Okay Mike Tyson"
Kimi "Who?"
Discussing vampires' weaknesses
MC "Steaks, particularly porterhouse"
A masked and hooded dark figure backstabs Roskva
Jim "He looks thiefy"
MC "Covfefe?"

Down to the Sea
Ryan's character has an Ebony Fly Figurine of Wondrous Power
Jim "It grows to the size of a pony"
Kimi "That should be a horse-fly"
Someone asked what the fly's name was
Ryan "Frank"
Discussing the voyage across the ocean
Ryan"How long will the trip be?"
Matt "A three hour tour"
Discussing Kimi's barbarian, Matt was confused about the differences between 1st and 5th edition versions
Matt "Don't you have rage?"
Kimi "Every day of my life…"

Consult the Oracle
By chance, three of the party concentrate their attacks on one harpy
Matt "Fuck that one in particular"
Ragnar is ill after being stabbed by the harpies' javelins
Matt "I got the dwarven flu"
Ryan "How much did you drink last night?"
Which lead to a discussion of what Matt had in his bar
Kimi "SoCo, breakfast of champions"

Minotaur's Maze
Discussing where and what kind of barbarian tribes live in the north
Kimi "I'm 6% scandinavian, so I'm practically a viking"
Talking about minotaurs
Matt "Needs more cowbell"
Jim "You are at -1 chips"
Since minotaurs are solo hunters and generally live alone…
Kimi "How do minotaurs mate?"
Jim "When a male minotaur loves a female minotaur very much…"
The dwarf is a little behind on his hygiene
Jim "JoAnne's elf hands you a bar of soap"
Matt "I look at it, then take a bite"
When the party was in the inn, my background soundtrack was playing festival music. Later, some similar music came on
Kimi "We picked up a CD from the bard at the inn"