Warning: these pages contain adult subjects and profanity and are intended for mature readers. No actual maturity was involved.
We've always had a lot of quotable comments flying around, I didn't always have a chance to write them down. I try to do a better job these days and here's a combined page of them. And I have some Quotes of Antiquity from long before Meetup. And the Monty Python "Cheese Shop" sketch redone as the Game Shop Sketch. And the random "That's what she said!" table.
Old Quotes from previous games
Current Quotes
Personal Quotes
Going to see a movie, table rules came up
Jim "We're not at the game table"
Kimi "Cool, I can stuff anything I want up my nose"
We were at a very small game convention, with very few dealers
Matt "There is a man over there knitting. He is crocheting his tears of boredom into a blanket"
Mike "There's a special level of hell for people who fart in elevators and get your order wrong at Mcdonald's"
Talking about Eddie Izzard
MC "He's the Elton John of comedy"
Jim's AD&D Blood Dawn
It Began in a Tavern...
Jim suggests MC be party leader
MC, to boyfriend Mike "That means, wench, you must get me more Cheetos!"
The adventure hook is cast before the players
JoAnne "Amazingly, we didn't see the sign for the railroad"
MC's character was tired and failed a Constitution check to remain alert
MC "I am not constitutionafied enough to make decisions"
JoAnne fails a Strength check climbing down the wall
Jim "You fall and take a point of damage… to your pride"
Chmiel's mage throws a flask of oil at the enemy wizard and gets a direct hit
Jim "The mage is fully involved"
Matt "He's like a Buddhist monk"
The wizard burns to death
Matt "50 Shades of Well Done, 50 Shades of Pink Inside"
Matt's bard sings his battle song…
Matt (Beauty and the Beast song voice) "Nobody sings like Dastan!"
…but is paralyzed after only one round of providing a bonus to the party
MC "You know what battle song stands for? B.S."
Orc Ruins
Kimi's druid Wylie has a pet owl
Kimi "I use the shit from my owl to slick my hair back"
The party can smell the orcs' cook fire
Chmiel "What are they cooking?"
Mike "Meth"
Trying to learn something about the ruin's history
Mike "Can you do something with your bardiness?"
Matt "Do you want to know about drinking or whoring?"
Matt spills coffee on his character sheet
Matt "NOW its a character sheet"
Matt's bard goes down
Natasha (singing) "Nobody dies like Dastan!"
Chmiel (singing) "Nobody fries like Dastan!"
Urban Predators
Discussing vampire mythology
MC "Can I roll my Sam and Dean Supernatural knowledge?"
Chmiel "Its trickle down economics; as the blood trickles down…"
Mike "When there's something strange in the neighborhood"
Matt "We can stage a stake out…"
Matt "NPC stands for No Party Cares"
Matt casts Vicious Mockery on a werewolf
Matt "Your mother was a poodle and you smell of kibble!"
Matt "We must be on a subway; we're getting railroaded underground"
Clare grapples with the werewolf
Jim "Grab it by the scruff of the neck"
MC "I think that's why Latin is a dead language"
Jim "Because of werewolves?"
The werewolf botches his saving throw versus the bard's Suggestion
MC <drag queen voice> "Oh my God, you're gorgeous. I could just chew you into little bits"
The Lorothim Letter
The first hour or so was nothing but dick jokes and a lot of gnome puns. Not writing that down
Matt and Chmiel led the pack on dirty jokes
Chmiel "Why do we go to the same dark, dirty places?"
Jim "Because you're both dark, dirty people"
Matt's bard keeps missing
Jim "The pointy end goes in the other guy"
Lots of bad rolls, one good dick joke
Natasha "I feel like we're just waving our dicks around, no one knows where to stick it"
The party captures the bandits' horses
Matt "Meat's back on the menu boys"
Roskva is doing her fortune telling schtick
Chmiel "You will meet someone tonight, he will be… (rolls friend/foe die) a foe. He will come from… (rolls direction die) the East"
Jim rolls a weather die "It will be partly cloudy"
Matt does a nice fake fortune
Matt "I'm not just telling fortunes, I'm weaving fates"
Trying to follow the bad guys' tracks, but no one has tracking skill
MC "I have Intimidation; I'll intimidate the trail into telling us"
Matt's texts are legendary. Not in a good way…
Mike "It's like reading the DaVinci Code"
The paper mini design for one of the bad guys was a bald human fighter with a huge red mustache. He was referred to as "Mustachio" and "Gingerstache"
Rescue from the Drow
Talking about meeting celebrities and paying for autographs at a recent convention, including the midget from Pirates of the Caribbean
Mike "He should have been half off…"
The survivors are negotiating with the "new" characters
Jim "I feel like this is like playing Munchkin; 'I will help you rescue your friends for two treasures' "
Discussing the new characters
Mike "We picked the handicapped table"
Chmiel "They did come in on the short carriage"
The reinforced party heads to the drow cave
Jim "What's your plan?"
Chmiel "We get a giant wooden badger…"
Jim "Thank you Kevin" Kevin is usually the first one to make the wooden rabbit/badger joke from Monty Python during a planning session
Matt casts Strength of Stone
Chmiel "You didn't have the stones before"
Matt casts Rockburst
Matt "Rocks fall, driders die bitches"
The Road South
Matt is talking about his dwarf
Matt "I lift up my shirt and its all hair"
Jim "Your beard grows into it"
Kimi "Just like real life"
Still talking about his dwarf
Matt "Its okay; I've got a giant shield"
Mike "Well, its a normal shield but its giant to him"
MC "So he's compensating"
Attacking the ogre camp at night
Mike "I don't want to die in the night"
Jim "You want to die in the morning?"
Mike "Bad things happen in the night"
MC "I've grown up to be the eco-terrorist I've always wanted to be"
At the beginning of the second session, reviewing the plot and that they are on the way to the city of Ifoss
Ryan "Ifoss my teeth"
Chmiel "Ifoss-ter small animals"
The townsfolk claim a witch led the ogres
Matt "She turned me into a newt"
Chmiel "I'm the only witch here and I'm a good one"
The party trails the witch to a deserted farm house
MC "Can I lick the walls?" Everyone was confused "To see if they're candy and figure out what kind of witch we're dealing with"
Evard's Black Tentacles spell erupts in the middle of the party and they are grabbed by the spell tentacles
Matt "I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going…"
MC rolls a Perception check and rolls a 19 when she wanted to roll low
MC "I rolled with the wrong hand; I went lefty instead of righty"
GM's note: With my players penchant for offcolor references and dick jokes, I knew what was coming as soon as I said "Lamia". But that monster fit my requirements perfectly. So…
Mike "She's a labia"
Chmiel "You ran your sword through the labia"
Mike "We gangbanged the labia in the corner"
Kimi and MC's characters did the most damage
MC "Takes a pussy to kill a pussy"
On the Hunt
Kimi finishes one of the monsters
Kimi "I killed one!"
MC "I think I killed three…"
Kimi "Did you just humble brag?"
Kimi "Suck my big barbarian labia"
Ifoss Intrigues
Chmiel "We should get lunch in Elftown"
Chmiel's mage is playing fast and loose with Charm Person spell and leaning towards evil
Jim "I'm going upstairs to get the first campaign folder and have Joram the cleric spank your mage"
Going out at night to visit the whorehouses for information
Matt "I wear my purple cloak"
Jim "Is that your pimpin' cloak?"
Chmiel's mage hires a prostitute for the evening and heads back to the party's inn the next morning
Mike "You better clean yourself first; all the alley cats are following you like a can of tuna"
Lee's D&D 5E Storm King's Thunder
Tower of Zephyros
Callum's character has lots of tattoos
Callum "It was a drunk night decision"
Jim "Every night's a drunk night when you're a barbarian"
A dwarf is looking to hire adventurers
Jim "Last time we took a job from a dwarf we got Fireballed repeatedly"
Valfir is haggling for a short sword and it was suggested he could do a side quest to pay for it
Chmiel "Sign outside says 'We don't accept side quests' "
Lee is playing different background side effects
Lee "Scottish Rain. Because it sounds different than regular rain"
Jim "That's because its whiskey, not water"
Lee "There's Fantasy Sewer"
Jim "No, that's where the tentacle monsters live"
The cloud giant's tower on a cloud approaches
Jim "That's no cloud… its a sky castle"
Astrid shakes hands with the giant
Chmiel "I bet it feels big in my baby hand"
Lee "He goes upstairs and does whatever it is giants do"
Valfir is very excitable and outgoing
Chmiel, to Michael "You're like the little kid in Up!"
The cloud castle is slow
Callum "Are we there yet?"
Discussing the magical properties of pixie dust
Callum "Can I snort it?"
Goblins at Goldenfields
Kevin is looking at his character's spell list
Kevin "It looks like it says 'Steer Storm', but I think its supposed to be 'Sleet Storm' "
Lee "As per usual, I worked on it after hockey"
Jim "That would be a cool spell; cows rain down on your enemies"
Callum "Can I have a Cloak of Flying?"
Lee "Yes, because that will do half my work for me"
Michael is playing an overexcited monk
Kevin "Can you detect traps?"
Jim "Yes, when I push him into them"
Making a History skill check
Kevin "I got a one, do I die?"
The town guard captain is a half-orc, and all the local NPCs assume Callum's half-orc must know him and it comes across racist
Michael "All half-orcs know each other"
The temple has guard bears
Michael "I hug the bear"
Jim "We lose more monks that way"
At the inn, Sir Conlan retires early for prayers and caring for his weapons
Michael <makes quotation marks with his hands> "He's 'polishing his blade' "
Jim "I saw that"
Talking about the battle and how a round is only six seconds
Callum "We killed eight people in six seconds"
Kevin "Well, they looked at us funny"
Kevin's character casts a spell and drops a bad guy
Kevin "I like to do a 'one shot, one kill' policy"
Emily wasn't at the game, Kevin texted her that her character was hit by a javelin
Emily <text> "Are we at the Olympics?"
Lee "Well, the streets of Rio were pretty dangerous"
At the beginning of session two, we had a recap for new players and people who missed the last game
Chmiel "Matt was murdered"
Matt "I got better…"
Matt talking about his bard
Matt "I am the Dragon Whisperer"
Jim, points at Mike J "He's a dragonborn"
Mike J "Don't whisper in my ear"
Matt "I like scales against my skin and the ones with forked tongues"
Fighting the hill giants, when the first one is severely wounded, it falls down and cries like a baby
Chmiel "What a bitch giant"
The town is under siege
Lee "You hear a twanging noise"
Chmiel "Damn, it's a country band"
Matt "History is written by the victor"
Lee "Who is this Victor and why is he writing history?"
The ogres have backpack catapults lor launching kamikaze goblins
Chmiel "Its wearable tech, part of GoogleSiege"
Erza picks up a short bow and arrows from a fallen guardsman
Chmiel "Sometimes I ride the short bow"
Chmiel was using a mini of a pig farmer, someone suggested he was encumbered by the pig it is carrying
Lee "Enpigered"
Vincent uses Cutting Words on a giant
Jim "Your mother was an ogre!"
Talking about a used record store
MC "It has the most swagalicious lounge"
The incompetent and cowardly town guard captain shows up and tries to take credit for the battle and Sir Conlan verbally blasts him for his cowardice
Jim "My paladin has a problem with local government"
Waterdeep and Old Gnawbone
Lee refers to the dragon expert as a dragon whisperer
Matt "I am the Dragon Whisperer; there can be only one"
Jim "You can challenge him to a rap battle"
Chmiel "Epic Rap Battles of History"
Talking about acolyte Zi Liang
Lee "Since she's being all monkly, well, clericly"
The party turns down a side quest from someone who might be a thief, he says he represents a group of "like minded businessmen"
Kevin "Amway is really good"
Discussing the funeral plans for Iados
Lee "You can make it open bar and these guys <points at Matt, Chmiel and Michael> will show up"
Jim "That will be more than 60 gold"
The party gets a Potion of Superior Healing
Chmiel "Great, it only works on my boss"
Chmiel "I'm tempted to make a joke"
Jim "When has that ever stopped you?"
The group is making jokes about an S&M Build-A-Bear toy with handcuffs and a ball gag
Jim "Welcome to D&D After Dark"
Michael is deciding which enemy to attack
MC "The one with the smallest health bar floating above their head"
Lee is reading the town description for Red Larch
MC "Is this on the billboard?"
Lee "Its the sign on the exit"
The bard is negotiating for a discount
MC "Why don't you just show some tit?"
Matt "Because my tit is hairy. I may be half elf, but the other half is hairy"
Discussing the the town of Goldenfields was attacked by giants and their defensive walls are in poor repair
Matt "We're going to build a wall against the giants"
Lee "We're going to make Faerun great again"
Callum "I just drink and kill"
Kevin "And I'm all out of drinks"
The inn has poorly done paintings and wood carvings of sexual themes and acts made by the halfling owner
Jim "I feel this is the wrong place to ask to buy some livestock…"
Discussing food at the inn, sausage is the house specialty…
MC "Side pasta is testosteroni"
The party faces Old Gnawbone, they give her some gifts which she tucks away, someone asks where
Lee "She has a fanny pack made of elven skin"
The dragon gives them some clues and tells them to get out of her forest
Kevin "Nicest dragon I've seen today"
Fire in the Night
Callum "There's a fine line between street fighting and assault"
Lee "You have crossed off one of the 164 encounters"
MC "Is there a commemorative magnet I can buy?"
The party sees smoke where the town is supposed to be
Jim "Or was"
Kevin "I'm going to assume they're having a BBQ festival"
Discussing spells to fight fires
Jim, to Kevin "Can you make it rain?"
Lee, Mike and MC all do the 'make it rain' gesture
Mike "Gold pieces everywhere"
Talking about the older but attractive female NPC
Mike "Is she trustworthy?"
The party is splitting up to check the giants' tracks and the hole they dug in the center of town
Lee "Team Hole"
Jim "Team Town"
Lee "Team Town Hole"
Describing the tracks
Lee "Even Callum's 1st edition ranger could follow these tracks"
Talking to the dwarven smith
Lee, in character "How can I help ye?"
Jim "All dwarves are Scottish"
Discussing Viking Metal music
Kevin "I didn't know they had electricity"
Jim is running Chmiel's sorceress Astrid and casts Fireball
Jim "Badda Bing, Badda Boom… Fireball!" Rolls massive damage, wiping the orcs from the map
Lee, picking up the orc paper minis "I'm glad I made all these orcs up"
Lee is reading his notes and laughs and giggles
Jim "When the game master laughs, it's too late. And I say that from personal experience"
Callum "Am I going to die?"
Lee moving fire spirits repeatedly "Fire, fire, fire!"
Kevin is discussing Callum's wounded character
Kevin "Do you have a potion of healing?"
Callum "No, I have 14 hit points"
Kevin "Those are unrelated"
Talking about Michael's monkey hengeyokai character from our Oriental Adventures campaign Blood Vengeance
Michael "I just wanted to get one more level and go bananas"
Jim "Bananas?"
Lee "It's like throwing a pie in his face, but the pie is on fire"
Callum's barbarian goes berserk
Jim "Get your rage on"
A couple of PCs are down
MC "It's like Weekend at Bernie's"
The Road to Everlund
Matt and Michael were talking about 12 year olds talking smack in online games
Jim "How can you talk about banging my mom when you don't even have hair on your balls?"
Looking over Kevin's new Countryman Mini, which has a switch start
Jim "Your car has the three switches!"
Lee "Where do you want to go?"
Chmiel "Narnia!"
Trying to decide if the halfling traveller would slow them down too much if they joined the party
Lee "This sounds like a math problem; the halfling has a 25 foot movement, you have a 30 foot move. What time will you catch up to the halfling if he leaves 6 hours before you?"
Matt "The dragon is moving at 140 feet on a dive bombing run"
Michael "It's a chinese dragon"
Matt "I'd be more afraid of an Australian dragon"
Chmiel "Are people from Yartar called Yartards?"
Chmiel is shopping for travel souvenirs, knick knacks and such
Jim "Let's get this over with; do they have any snow globes?"
Michael's monk is being stealthy
Matt "#justmonkthings"
Discussing the monk's overexcited personality
Jim "Chaotic Attention Deficit"
Lee "Chaotic SQUIRRELL!!!"
Lee "Every use of a Fireball by a PC is useful and constructive"
Discussing how attractive the female PCs are
Chmiel "Ever see an elf in pasties?"
Jim "And we're back to D&D After Dark"
Comparing learning spells, Cleric versus Bards
Kevin "My god is superior to your non-god"
Reading over a spell, Matt laughs
Matt "I am going to cause Independence Day"
Kevin "Do you even own a Macintosh?"
MC "I'm really good at listening"
Chmiel "Except when Mike talks"
MC "What?"
MC is afraid the bard's Moonbeam spell will hit her character
Jim "Hopefully the bard won't moon you"
Jim's paladin is short tempered dealing with various PC and NPC foolishness
MC "You need an anger management course"
Jim "Oh no, I manage my anger right where I want it" I forgot to mention the paladin is a red head…
Talking to the Harpers and seeing a group of winged cats
Kevin "Kitties with wings, it was totally worth dying to come here"
Brawling and Entering
Discussing use of the Harper's teleport portal network and that they can't take horses, they would need to sell their horses and buy new ones each time
Chmiel "There's no Enterprise?"
Lee "Rent-A-Horse? There used to be, but they went out of business because no one ever brought the horses back; they got eaten"
Jim "Extra deposit for half-orcs"
Lee "Callum is used to that"
Talking to the Harpers about the clues from the dragon
Kevin "Are they impressed we talked to a dragon?"
Lee "You did impress them…"
Kevin "We're dumber than they thought"
Discussing travel to Bryn Shander, and there's no good direct route
Lee "You could go through the mountains" The mountains are high and snowy
Jim "No, I saw The Fellowship of the Ring"
Discussing the name and appearence of the Tressym winged cat
Michael "His name is Snowflake; he's yellow"
At the fighting tournament, after Skamos puts down 10 gold at 5-1 odds on Talik
Lee "In this corner, our reigning champion…"
Callum "Oh, shit"
Kevin "I didn't hear that before"
Astrid uses Suggestion a lot to get her way and influence people
MC "You don't need Suggestion with a rack like this"
Lee "You need to have a boob off"
Jim "I'll put gold down on that"
Searching the clothes in the tower
Kevin "Is the clothing evil?"
Lee "Nothing from Hot Topic"
Fighting the guards
Kevin, to Callum "Are the guards orcs? Maybe you know them"
Sword of the Father
Chmiel is going to be late
Lee "He can catch up, he's used to that"
Jim "He's used to being behind the eight ball"
Michael "The nine ball"
The party moved into colder terrain and season and the white dragonborn is more comfortable. We discussed his body odor smells like wintergreen, he pisses spearmint, etc.
Approaching Zymorven Keep, the keep is on defensive high ground
Kevin "Uh oh, it has the higher ground; don't attack"
Discussing the mix of races in Yartar
Jim "There are more tieflings than Mirialans"
Lee says the party's journey goes through the Nether Mountains
Mike "Nether Regions?"
Lee "There's a path"
Mike "I'm sure there is…"
Eye of the All Father
The light switch in Lee's basement was flakey
Ramona <Lee's wife> "If you wiggle it, it turns on"
Jim "That's what she said"
Discussing the giant Harshnag's history as a mercenary for Waterdeep
Jim "He's the Brute Squad"
Campfire stories with Harshnag
Lee, as giant "You ever have sex with walrus? Tusks to grab on to, very robust"
Talking about the chance to meet orcs
Mike "We have a half orc; he probably knows them"
Trying to read Callum's writing on his character sheet, we thought we saw "Flying Cot" and "Disturbing Poutine"
Kevin "I want to ride into battle on my flying cot and rage"
Lee "And throw disturbing poutine at them"
The barbarian rages, but Kevin rolls a botch and loses the next attack
Jim "Premature axulation"
Kevin rolls again, another botch and a 3
Lee "Now we know why the barbarian never rages; he's a total spaz"
Mike "He's got rage anxiety"
Kevin and Mike had the worst die rolls, it seemed for a while that every 3rd or 4th roll was a botch. For a couple of rounds, half their rolls were botches.
Kevin's cleric crushes a gargoyle with his warhammer
Lee "Hammer time"
Jim "I spent the whole battle trying not to say that."
The dead gargoyle's eyes glow blue as it delivers a warning of vengeance
Jim "I am not impressed; Tyr is with me"
Mike <slow golf clap>
Lee "All you hear are the snow crickets"
The entrance to the temple is across a long stone bridge
Kevin "We better not see a Balrog"
Mike's ranger extends his senses and detects something draconic nearby
Mike "Not myself, right?"
Lee <sings and rubs his nipples> "When I think about it, I sense myself"
The side rooms are lit by fires burning in wall sconces
Jim "I throw my name in the Goblet of Fire"
Lee is digging in his toy and miniature jar, looking for something special
Mike "Please be a tree, please be a tree"
The enemy has a baby white dragon
Kevin, to Mike "So this is your cousin?"
Lee is doing a Russian accent for the giant Harshnag and starts using it for the barbarians too
Jim "The barbarians are Russian too?"
Lee "I don't have another northern accent, I don't want them to sound like the Swedish Chef"
Jim "Canadian?"
Erza strikes the barbarians and dances away
Lee "Ouch! Come back here, you hoser!"
Jim "We're fighting Bob and Doug Mckenzie"
Harshnag is trying to lift the stone block sealing the passage and failing
Jim "We'll just have to get a new giant"
Describing the large room with the statues
Lee "A gigantic area… literally"
Looking at the runes at the archway
Kevin "If we say 'Speak friend, and enter' in elvish we'll be fine"
They ask Harshnag to touch the Frost giant's rune
Jim "We lose more giants that way"
The giant is sent to grab the magic axe from the statue
Lee, as giant "I love grab axe"
Looking at monster stats
Lee "Ooh, that's a lot of hit points"
Trying to figure out how to stop the giants' civil war and their attacks on other races
MC "Isn't there a better way to make things better?"
Discussing the battle with the remorhaz last week
Kevin "I was excited to see Callum swallowed"
Kevin"I cast Sacred Flame"
Lee (French accent) "Sacre Flam!"
MC made a comment about a training video about STDs and all the infected vaginas she saw
Lee "When you work in health care, you watch porn just to see what normal genitals look like"
Finding the ice spiders' nest web of frozen web strands
MC "Its so cold, my nipples could cut through these"
The baby spiders swarm the party
MC "Are they stompable?"
Kevin "This is like making wine"
Discussing not being sure where the spiders are
Lee "Heisenberg's Spider Uncertainty Principle"
A strange flying boat with sleigh runners appears in the sky
Kevin "Is it Christmas?"
MC does Sneak Attack and rolls 5d6; four ones and a two
Lee "Worst. Rogue. Ever"
Star Wars D6 Rebellion
Character Session
Emily was talking about how Mirialans were made second class citizens and basically put in camps or reservations
Emily "So then Trump, I mean, Palpatine…"
Looking at Assets and Complications
Michael "Would Natural Linguist be useful?"
Lee "No, but Cunning Linguist would be"
Talking about somone's character doing drugs
Lee "He took a hit off the space bong, the spong"
Kevin's character is a Mandalorian who wants to revive their past glory
Lee "Make Mandalore Great Again"
Michael "Build a wall around your world"
Mike "And make the Empire pay for it"
Jim "The Rebel base is code named Oracle"
Emily "Like the sage or part of the nipple?" <she meant areole>
Emily bursts out laughing
Emily "It was so hard to say that with a straight face"
More character slogans
Lee "Feel the Burn"
Kevin "Are you a Flametrooper?"
Emily "Are you gay? Because that's okay"
Kevin "He's not a Flamingtrooper"
Supply Raid
We were discussing if the planet Tel III had any moons and Emily suggested it had 14
Lee "Take your girlfriend outside and fondle each other through your spacesuits under the light of 14 moons"
Emily "I can't imagine what the tides are like"
Michael "When the moons line up, you get 100 foot waves"
Jim "That's when the surfer convention arrives"
Discussing that the campaign starts after the Battle of Yavin and that the destruction of the Death Star was a tremendous boost for Rebel morale and recruiting
Jim "There's a new hope"
Lee "I feel the Empire will strike back"
Mike "Someone will return"
The adventure takes place in the Laud system, which Jim mispronounced as "loud"
Lee "You can hear it from miles away"
Jim "Have you been hanging around with Chmiel?"
The mission shouldn't be too hard
Lee "Its a milk run. A blue milk run"
Discussing Lee's character only goes by his nickname
Lee "You don't know my name"
Michael "Its on your W-2"
Continual jokes and puns about being in the "Loud" system
Lee "It comes out loud, but no one notices because the ambient noise is so high"
C'athall and Varek are not doing well bribing the supply officer
Lee "Worst. Bribers. Ever."
Michael rolls to hit with two shots and due to bad rolls and botches, ends up with totals in the single digits
Lee "The troopers look at you and say 'That's a bad shot. And we're Imperials…' "
Rolling to see if Hack accidentally shoots C'athall or Varek
Kevin "If you shoot us, you're getting a talking to"
Jim asks Kevin a question about Varek's stats
Kevin "I have a two Knowledge"
Lee "Two dice or two points?"
Jim "Do you have Forgery?"
Lee "Poetry?"
Emily "That's what I heard, too"
Jim "It is not a pork truck"
Lee fails his Forgery to concoct an authentic sounding recall order to the TIE fighters
Lee "I might have done better rolling Poetry"
Refinery Strike
Discussing a disguise kit to conceal Leelan's race
Lee "Its called black face"
Jim "Space face"
Leelan's R5 has artwork inspired by Mirialan tattoos
Jim "Nice graffitti, did some Jawa kids steal it?"
Jim, to Michael "You may use Con <skill>"
Lee "Khan!!"
Smuggling weapons on board the transport
Jim "There's no T.S.A., so it should be easy"
Emily "There will be after this"
Jim "<newscaster voice> Mirialan terrorists destroy refinery"
Trying to make small talk with the employees
Lee "Do you work here often?"
Lee's character is being rebellious and C'athal, the team commander, regards him as being childish
Mike "Wait until I talk to your mother… Oh wait"
Mass "Ooowwww"
The players kept warning each other not to mention they had bombs
Kevin "How about those training videos? They're dynamite!"
Lee "Don't mention the bomb!"
Lots of "Somebody set us up the bomb" comments, mostly from Lee
Discussing the bombs, Jim says they are equal to at least a kilo of C4
Lee "How much is that?"
Emily (laughing) "You don't understand metric?" because Lee is Canadian and that's what they use
Lee "No, I don't know how much explosive it is"
Lee wants Hack to carry a bomb, but Mike says no, so Lee writes a protest poem
Lee "The Capt'n won't let me take the bomb,
Words can't explain how much he's wrong,
If I had the bomb, I'd BE the bomb,
But I guess we'll never know."
Planning the escape
Emily "I imagine we'll have a sloppy escape, yelling 'Run away, run away!' "
Talking about stealing the partially loaded ore freighter docked at the refinery
Lee "We could drop rocks on people and they could die"
Jim "Believe me, I'm thinking about that right now"
Stealing an escape speeder
Kevin "We walk briskly to the speeders"
Mike wants to fire the carbine, even though it does the same damage as his pistol
Mike "Rifle skill lets me roll more dice"
He rolls and gets ones on almost half his dice
Jim "More dice means more ones"
Quid Pro Quo
Discussing buying an airspeeder
Emily "We could almost buy our own ship for that"
Going to the spaceport bar
Michael "Is it a spiki (space tiki) bar?"
Jim "We go to ze meeting" (bad French accent, I don't know why)
Emily (confused) "Zee Mi Ting? Who's that?"
The contact is Graxi Takka
Emily "When I see his name, I want to say 'Graxi Taxi' "
The crime syndicate's offices are very posh
Emily "Did I bring my droid?"
Jim "Not unless he's serving drinks"
Emily "Never bring a droid to a knife fight"
During the meeting with the crime boss
Michael "Does he open a side door to show a bloody body hanging in chains?"
Jim "No, but I admit there is a little Niska vibe here"
Varek shoots a trooper and Kevin is disappointed he isn't wounded
Jim "He is wearing armor"
Kevin "Oh… Lame. It's not sporting"
Deathwatch
Discussing some D&D podcast's character
Michael "He was sleeping around like bards do"
Emily "Are bards known for that?"
Jim "Just ask Matt"
Emily "So bards are like the lead guitar player?"
And the Raise Dead ceremony, which requires some friends to come to help lure the dead soul back to life
Jim "Its a reverse eulogy"
The player characters are praised and get a bonus for getting the medical supplies for free practically
Emily "Do we get an award ceremony?"
Jim "Everyone gets a commendation in their records"
Emily "Five commendations earn you an award ceremony"
Kevin "Unless you're a Wookie. Or a droid"
One of the Rebel Y-wings from the Black Knives squadron is missing
Michael "Black Knives Matter"
Jim groans and penalizes Michael a chip for the bad pun
Emily "You've been waiting to say that, haven't you?"
Michael "Ever since he said 'Black Knives' "
The crew splits up on Genesia, looking for work
Emily "We're going to crime casual"
Describing the different Mandalorians and their tricked out armor
Emily "Mandalorians seem complicated"
Varek defeats the Mandalorian that attacked him
Michael "You need to cut off his head to gain his power"
Jim "This isn't Highlander"
Discussing why Deathwatch might be after Varek
Jim "You stole a ship"
Kevin " 'Stole' is a strong word' "
Scrapyard
(GM's note: I don't know what got into everyone, but we had an incredible amount of off-color jokes, NSFW references and dick sketching. And Matt wasn't even there! A lot of it never made it into my notes and at one point I flatly refused to write down anymore. So it was much worse than these comments suggest.)
Emily "I'm going to tell…"
Jim <sings> "She's going to tell"
Kevin "I run in and yell 'No singing! No singing on my ship' "
Talking about if Michael's character had a chance to tell his contact he had to flee the planet
Jim <mimes phone call> " 'We got to get offworld now… Yeah, bounty hunters.' It's an occupational hazard for career criminals"
Describing Chag's base of operations
Emily "It has its own junkyard inside. Its a junkyard inside a junkyard"
Kevin "Its Junkception"
Zaonderh remains behind on the ship
Jim "You're polishing your horns"
Emily "Is that what they're calling it these days?"
Looking for a ground vehicle in the junkyard
Lee "What about a food truck? They're everywhere, no one would pay any attention to us"
The crew got a discount on parts and got some money back and were discussing how to spend it
Mike "I'm getting the daily special on Pornhub"
Lee "I'm getting soup AND salad"
Lee's character was talking loud
Mike "Yeah, he's got Tourette's, just ignore him"
The crew is discussing what weapons and stuff to wear in the pirate town and decide to hit the local restaurant
Kevin, thoughtfully "You know… if we're going to a restaurant, I'm not going to wear my shoulder guns"
Jim "A Mandalorian, a Devaronian and a Mirialan walk into a bar…"
Kevin "You're looking at me? As overdressed?"
Discussing fashion in the Star Wars universe
Lee "Its an advanced society, so there are no ties"
Emily "I decided 'Hack' means chicken in Mirialan, but there are no chickens in Star Wars, like there is no underwear"
Michael mimed throwing up so well, for a moment Jim thought he was really choking
Mike "That's real roleplaying"
Lee "It's terrible using Google in Scotland," <great Scottish accent> "Angus, why don't you Goooogle it?"
Describing the local storage buildings, and that the owner sells stuff people leave behind, or takes merchandise as payment to sell later
Lee "Its Storage Wars!"
The storage building owner is an Elomin
Kevin, to Michael "You talk to him, horns talk to horns, its a rule"
The bartender put some booze in Hack's blue milk
Lee "Can I get an Irish Blue Milk?"
Kevin "Blue Milk Bomb"
Kevin "As Mandalorians, we don't have emotions"
Pilot Rescue
Michael has his dice laid out in a pattern on the table
Lee "Looks like you have a dice dick"
Looking at the map of the slavers' compound
Lee "Is that a fence?"
Emily "Dearest Kevin, I hope this plan finds you well"
Sneaking up on the enemy compound
Kevin "I hope we don't have a random encounter"
Discussing what they are wearing to attack
Lee "Its a black tie attack"
MC stopped in after work to bring Mike dinner
MC "I had the greatest experience at the gynecologist…"
The Star Wars end credits theme comes up on the playlist
Emily "Sorry guys, its over"
Mike "You'll have to wait until the next episode"
Searching the enemy shuttle
Kevin "Is it packed with gold?"
Lee "Its Myrrh"
Michael wants to keep the droid from the Y-wing
Kevin "The plans in that droid are critical"
Michael "What plans?"
Kevin "I don't know"
Michael "Can I find some discreet armor?"
Emily "Like from an adult store? Armor in a plain brown wrapper?"
Working on upgrading the ship
Lee "We sign up for an episode of Pimp My Ride"
Spending chips for improving skills
Lee "How do you learn Dodge <skill>?"
Jim "They take you down to the firing range and shoot at you with stun guns"
Mike "How many chips does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"
Droid Army Cache
Rolling initiative to see who gets the best chair in the briefing room, Lee super botches
Lee "I'm dragged out of the room by United Airlines"
During the briefing
Lee "That's not a distress call… It's a warning!"
The ship upgrades are complete, including the sensor jammer
Kevin "Yay! We can throw jam at people"
Kevin rolls so-so for a Piloting check
Jim "Adequate flying"
Kevin "I flew casual"
Scanning the planet, Emily beats Lee's Sensors roll
Lee "I was insensitive"
Talking about figuring out what was going on, someone suggested playing a TV game show
Michael "I want to buy a vowel"
Jim "You've got a pile of chips"
Lee "One big vowel movement"
Hack is working on the base's old computers and the rest of the team splits up to explore the base
Kevin "Did we want to leave him behind?"
Lee "Well, you all fucking did"
The battle droids attack the party
Lee "Exterminate!"
Trying to figure out how the tanks work
Kevin "How are these powered?"
Lee "Steam"
The Probe droid attacks
Michael "I'm behind Kevin, wherever he is"
Rehashing the last session for Mike, who came late, discussing Leelan's problems starting the tanks
Emily "Whenever I set something on fire, it's not on purpose. Unless I meant to do it"
Discussing Mirialans in galactic society
Emily "Are they like the Amish?"
Jim "No, they have wi-fi"
Talking about Emily's bad rolls
Emily "I haven't been playing this game very well today, its all luck based" <rolls poorly> "Oh shit…"
Michael "Its good you can roll that many 1's and 2's and still succeed"
"Groom the wookie" was a new euphemism
Discussing a famous science fiction star who attended a local convention and what a tool he is
Mike "He's the whole tool box"
The players spent points to improve their characters and the usual "Training montage" became the "Grooming montage"
Boots on the Ground
Emily rolls on Leelan's random activities table
Emily "Flight simulator <training> programs"
Lee "NERD!"
Discussing how Michael's character gets shot or locked in a car trunk when they visit Genesia
Michael "Its a trunk adventure; I got shot last time"
Kevin gets Varek's helmet sensor bonus on a roll
Jim "He wears his helmet all the time"
Lee "Are you Judge Dredd?"
The Empire is deploying a garrison to Genesia to crack down on illegal trade
Kevin "This sounds like a conversation at the White House"
Jim "The Empire's going to build a wall"
Mike "And Genesia's going to pay for it"
Leelan is looking for ship parts in a junkyard
Emily "Got any sensor packages?"
Jim "Go fish"
C'athall is flirting with the transport pilot and mentions his character has a nipple ring with a feather, which leads to jokes about dreamcatcher nipple rings and a trip to the internet to see that they do exist.
Jim "Okay, we've lost focus, that's it for tonight"
Discussing how hard it is for Michael's Devaronian to ever go under cover because he can't pass for a human, even in a helmet because of his horns
Kevin "So your complication is you're horny?"
Deciding not to infiltrate a base to steal a ship so they can infiltrate the garrison
Emily "It would be overplanning on top of overplanning"
Lee "Planception"
Michael is trying to figure out if he can wear some of the spare Mandalorian armor and helmet
Jim "You would have to cut holes in the helmet for your horns to stick through"
Emily "I feel horns sticking out of a mandalorian helmet would be so Viking"
Then we're looking at various Devaronian artwork, Michael finds one of a pirate in a very flamboyant outfit
Emily "He looks… swishy"
Jim "Anything that looks pirate looks swishy"
Hack's fake IT company is Deep Throat Software
Then there was a long discussion about Mon Calamari hands, Lee was sure they had suckers and we finally proved he was right, even the old action figures have sucker hands
Lee "What does that show? Don't doubt me"
Emily "But you've been wrong before."
Spying on the garrison from the woods
Kevin "I should have packed a lunch"
Looking at the control room's server farm
Lee "I get a little chubby thing (erection) thinking about that server room"
Discussing where to hide the speeder
Kevin "In the shrubbery"
There were a lot of silly code phrases, we ended up with a lot of breakfast references. After shooting the four troops
Kevin "I had to shoot four waffles out of the toaster, more waffles are on the way"
Lee "Butter side is down"
Then a discussion of breakfast foods for code names, mostly English ones from Harry Potter. Someone suggested "Danish"
Emily "There's no Danish, there are no Danes in Star Wars to name it after"
Mike "They're Spanish" pronounced spay-nish
Jim "You mean Spanish?"
Orbit City
Discussing getting a team tattoo and a name for the team
Kevin "Team Rebel World Police"
Would Leelan accept Mirialan tattoos on other races?
Emily "Can I roll to understand my own spirituality?"
Making up a code name for Chmiel's guest character
Lee "Sphincter"
Chmiel "The Executive"
Discussing going to a bar to meet the spy
Chmiel "Only these guys could overplan going to a bar"
Four stormtroopers, a local corporate security officer and an Imperial officer come to arrest the spy
Chmiel "At my best, I could only take three"
Chmiel botches his roll to stay calm
Kevin "You're the worst spy ever"
Zaonderh spills a drink on another bar patron and pretends to be drunk to start a distraction. Hack tries to apologize to the arrest squad
Mike "That is the most Canadian response ever"
C'athall attacks a stormtrooper
Mike "I am going to go John Wick on him"
Half the time Jim says "forgery", Lee hears "poetry"
Kevin "His forgery is so good, its poetry"
Chmiel's character shoots the informant
Chmiel "Snitches get stitches"
Zaonderh is trying to negotiate with some local thugs for safe passage
Emily "He's going to end up in a trunk"
Michael "This is a trunk adventure" Half the adventures, Zaonderh gets shot, the other half he ends up kidnapped in a speeder trunk
Talking about upgrade options for Zaonderh's cyberleg
Lee "I'm going to put wi-fi in your leg"
Chmiel "You'll get knee-mail"
Emily rolls a 31 to Sneak
Kevin "The shadows are hiding in you"
The next mission is supposed to be easy
Lee "It's a milk run. A blue milk run"
Death by Triflexia
Hack installs a holo-projector on the ship so it can project different designs on the hull to help change the ship's appearance
Emily "So just <drawings of> penises"
Hack is trading with the supply officers at the bases
Jim "You get a case of space brandy"
Lee "Sprandy"
Chmiel is discussing Bohdan's translator and calls it a "wookie-talkie"
The base engineer is dead from electrocution, but his head is oddly swollen
Lee "He's allergic to electricity"
Everytime Lee rolls Perception, he says "With four dice" because he just raised his stat
Discussing the Mirialan homeworld is cold and mildly radioactive
Lee "Chernobyl"
Chmiel's wookie is a little rambunctious
Mike "I'm going to squirt you"
Flying the sensor unit to the far side of the planet
Chmiel "I thought the planet was flat"
Emily "Only half the planet thinks that"
Devaronian Intrigue
Discussing that planets in Star Wars all seem to be made of a single terrain type and what will this one be
Emily "What kind of planet? I'm envisioning strip malls"
Planning to meet with Bib'seca
Michael "Can I buy him some wine and a pair of goblets that match his eyes?"
Jim "Do you want a job or a date?"
Looking for transport to run down clues in Le Yer
Emily "Is there space Uber?"
Michael "Spuber"
Emily "That sounds awful"
Michael "Splyft?"
Emily "Rodians never shoot first"
Jim "Rodians have a racial penalty to initiative"
Emily "Really?"
Jim "No. They're just bad at reading human body language that you're about to shoot them"
Emily "So they just stand there like a deer in the headlights"
Jim "Of course; look at those big eyes they have"
Discussing the missing Devaronian woman, Brinalloy
Michael "Do you think Devaronian women are less…"
Lee "Horny?"
Jim "Roll initiative"
Lee "With FOUR dice!"
The crew is having trouble fighting with just pistols
Kevin "I'm never going anywhere without an automatic weapon"
Somehow we got on a long and dirty conversation about some alien species having two anuses. The only comments I'm going to include are:
Kevin "I'm going to shoot him in one of his buttholes"
Lee "Second exhaust port"
Jim "Its directly below the main port"
Discussing interrogating one of the Rodians and waterboarding him
Mike "You want to see the faucet again?"
Discussing the new Star Trek series, Kevin had a slip of the tongue and called it "Star Trek: Dynasty"
Talking about what is the resort town like
Michael "Is it Las Vegas or Atlantic City?"
Deciding what weapons to carry
Jim "You're not carrying grenades"
Emily "We're not occupying it"
Varek wants to keep his helmet with him, since the sensors give him better Perception checks
Kevin "Its a prescription helmet"
Emily "Perception is not my best skill…" rolls 3 on 3d6.
Trying to talk to the Twi'lek singer
Michael "If he comes out. I'll give him some money to… <trails off in thought>"
Jim "To do what, Mr Weinstein?"
Searching the downed Trandoshan bounty hunter
Michael "What's his name?"
Jim "He doesn't have a name tag <sewn> in the back of his shirt"
Kevin "Check his underwear"
Emily "Calvin Klein, the Trandoshan?"
Artemis
Jim greeting Chmiel at the door "Welcome, Space Cadet!"
Chmiel immediately goofed something up "Wow, I really am a space cadet. I took the short spaceship here"
Kevin is having trouble getting the ship to move as Helmsman
Chmiel "Is the parking brake on?"
Reading the enemy ship profile
Emily "The captain is bombastic and unmarried, according to space Tinder"
