Silly Quotes and Smart Remarks

Warning: these pages contain adult subjects and profanity and are intended for mature readers. No actual maturity was involved.

We've always had a lot of quotable comments flying around, I didn't always have a chance to write them down. I try to do a better job these days and here's a combined page of them. And I have some Quotes of Antiquity from long before Meetup. And the Monty Python "Cheese Shop" sketch redone as the Game Shop Sketch. And the random "That's what she said!" table. There's also Inside Jokes with some running gags.

Old Quotes from previous games

Current Quotes

Mike's D&D 5E Tomb of Annihilation
Welcome to the Jungle
Caite "Can I get another tinderbox?"
Mike "Don't grab the one with AIDS"
Marcus "I think that would be grindbox"
Visiting the merchant prince's castle, looking at all the expensive furnishings and items on display
Mike "If you learned anything from Aladdin, don't touch shit"
Discussing guides, MC said one had heart
Scott "Rudy had a big heart and he sucked at football"
In the Thundering Lizard bar
Mike "The bar smells like piss"
Jim "Oh, like The Pink" (a dive bar in the Allentown district of Buffalo)

Plundered Temple
Reading the note on the altar
LeeAughhh...
Bricks fall and strike the party
Lee “This construction is not up to code”
Checking the wights, they have some swords
Mike "They might be worth 15gp each if someone polishes them. Maybe Jim's character can polish them"
Picking on Jim because his paladin in Lee's game is fastidious about caring for his weapons
Mike "He's a PPP; perpetually polishing paladin"
The rogue finds an animal claw in the tree house
Mike “Its from some kind of lion or tiger”
MC and Alicia “Or bear”
The party hears some kind of roaring in the jungle
Bonnie to Alicia “Was that your stomach? Are you hungry?”
Facing the were-tiger
Bonnie "He just wants someone to be his fluffer"

Hedging your Bets
Making stripper jokes while passing around change from ordering dinner
Marcus "I'm used to picking up singles"
Bonnie "With what…?"
Moving into the hedge maze
Caite "Its like Maze Runner. Or the Goblet of Fire"
Mike "Let's go with Goblet of Fire"
Lee "There's a bustle in the hedgerow"
Caite botches and hits Bonnie's character
Caite "Can we use dice that don't have ones on them?"
Discussing the different colors of grungs by castes
Jim "Don't lick the frogs"
The grung leader is king Groak
Lee "Supreme leader Groke?"
The grung priest wants to do an illusion of the grung goddess to fool the king
Jim "Frog porn"

Garden Party
Our new player Scott C brought a half-orc barbarian named Nanoc Doombringer
Lee "He's available for kids' parties"
Talking to the yuan-ti, Mike gave them a sibilant, lisping accent and we responded in kind
Lee "You are missstaken"
Mike "Mis-snaken"
Crossing the bridges into Kir Sabal, many people fell and took damage
Lee "We fought the snake guys and won, but then we died crossing a bridge"
Lee's character spends the night with the princess
Scott C "In the words of Tone Loc, she is walking with a limp"
Discussing the barbarian's history as a dinosaur fighting pit gladiator
Alicia "Does he look like Russell Crowe?"
Mike is drawing the map and everyone is making guesses
Bonnie "Pictionary!"
A giant man eating plant attacks the party
Jim "Feed me Seymour!"
Bonnie rolls minimum damage of 2hp for her dragonborn's breath weapon attack
Bonnie "How does that happen?"
Lee "It was an ice hairball"

Peaks of Flame
Discussing dinner with the bird people
Lee "Raw seeds and corn"
Mike "They give you a chunk of suet"
Talking about flying to the Peaks of Flame
Alicia "Because there are t-rexs, are there pterodactyls?"
Following the ore cart tracks
Jim "The railroad"
Lee "We are literally being railroaded"
People are questioning Bonnie on finding a rock, how does she know how much it weighs, could be different density
Bonnie "Holy shit, I was just looking for a fucking rock!"
Describing the kobolds
Bonnie "Lots of sleeping… assholes"

City of Snakes
Reading the grafitti in the guard house
Jim "We missed the poetry slam"
Alicia "For a good time, call…"
A long boulevard runs almost all the way across the city, north to south
Bonnie "The Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
The rescued scribe has a russian accent
Mike "I'm following Lee's tradition of making NPCs russian"
Rehashing for people who missed the last session, we need to collect nine puzzle stones
Caite "Is there a magic glove this is going in?"
Discussing marching order, Scott M and Scott C are at the rear
Bonnie "Two Scotts in the rear"
Lee, Scottish accent "Two Scots in the rear, that's the punchline of every joke in Glasgow"
Lots of wine and snacks were passed around the table
The party lights torches as they enter a shrine
MC, waving her wine glass "We're lit"
Jim "Some more than others"
Aria casts a Minor Illusion to fake a Wall of Fire, but we're having trouble seeing the map because of all the food on the table
Bonnie "Wall of Fire, Wall of Snacks"
Trying to decide where to go next
Bonnie "Mystery Shrine for 400"
The ghast shrieks when hit by a Firebolt
Caite "Like a lobster when you drop it in the pot"
Making comments about lubricating the key before putting it in the pedestal
Alicia "Just spit on it and stick it in"
Mike "Alicia likes it rough"
Jim botches on his stealth check
Mike "Jim's character falls and all his stuff rattles"
Bonnie "He falls into a china shop"
Discussing music
Scott C "Dubstep sounds like Optimus Prime jerking off"
Lee’s character steps on a tile and a blade swings out from the wall and hits him
Lee <shouting back through the maze> “Do not step on the tiles!”
Scott M, pretending to misunderstand “You have large piles?”
Marcus “You want to see Ryan Stiles?”

Offer you can't Refuse
Discussing what creatures might be in the water
Bonnie, looking at Scott C "No dragon tails for someone to poke"
Something is running towards the party at regular 30 feet/turn movement
Bonnie "Two trains leave…"
Mike "Make a Perception check"
Lee "And realize its pointless"
The bard and wild mages turn Invisible to approach the Yuan-ti lair
Lee "Team Invisible"
Jim "Team Low Hit Points"
MC is going to cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter
Lee "I like the alternate spell; Tasha's Hideous Sister"
Discussing attacking with Fireball
Scott M "I'm a firm believer in "No bombs back to the hangar", we should use Fireball
The Yuan-ti priestess is is talking to the party
Jim "Paint me like one of your French snakes"
Lee "Let me stop you sweetheart"
Bonnie "Uh oh, mansplaining coming in"
Jim's character pulls the concealed map out of his shorts
Scott C "Step one, cut a hole in the map…"

Waterdeep Dragon Heist
The Missing Fop
One night at another game, we were discussing new characters and the Demiplane of Dread, which is basically Ravenloft
Kevin "That looks like the most excellent place to vacation"
Discussing various guilds and organizations, including the Blackstaff’s enforcers
Jim “The Brute Squad!”
The author Volo is talking about his next book, which will be about ghosts, etc
Jim "Is it going to be bigger than Tobin's?
The shit bar’s barkeep was talking about upcoming repairs
MC “Indoor plumbing; it’s going to be big”
Mike “Its a pipe dream”
<mass groans>
Mike “Chmiel’s not here”
Barakiel knocks out a Kenku with the pommel of his sword
Lee “He has little birds going around his head”
Michael “He has people instead”
Jim “While he’s beating up the bird…”
Mike “Is that what he’s doing?”
Lee “I’ll be in my bunk”
Lee “Do you buttstroke the bird?”
Mike rolls a 1 for a skill check
MC “You know nothing, Jon Snow”
The first round of combat starts
Lee "Yay, murder, death kill, murder, death, kill"
Checking the enemies, the dwarf is completely dead, but the human might be saved
Kevin "He's only mostly dead"
Trying to remember the name of a pub, someone suggests 'Green Dragon'
Kevin "All pubs are named the Green Dragon after you've had enough drinks"
The inn Volo offers them is the Trollskull Manor
Jim "What, did Skeletor move out?"

Side Quests
Discussing sleeping arrangements, standing watches, sleeping armored versus unarmored. Jim isn't worried about sleeping in armor since his character has lots of offensive and defensive cantrips.
Jim "I'm the most dangerous when we're buck naked"
Mike "Do you hip thrust when you cast Eldritch Blast?"
All the 5E books have silly disclaimers inside, Jim found the disclaimer in Volo's Guide to Monsters
"Disclaimer: Wizards of the Coast does not vouch for, guarantee, or provide any promises regarding the validity of the information provided in this volume by Volothamp Geddarm. Do not trust Volo. Do not go on quests offered by Volo. Do not listen to Volo. Avoid being seen with him for risk of guilt by association. If Volo appears in your campaign, your DM is undoubtedly trying to kill your character in a manner that can be blamed on your own actions. The DM is probably trying to do that anyway, but with Volo's appearance, you know for sure"
Lee's response?
Lee "Truer words have never been committed to the page…"
Ordering from a Puerto Rican restaurant, Lee chooses Bistec Encebollado, but Mike can't pronounce it
Mike "I'll have the Bistec Ence… Encephalitis"
MC "I don't always get encephalitis, but when I get it, I get it twice. Dos Encephalitis"
Chmiel "Hobbit porn is big"
Kevin"Halfling, not hobbit; do you want to get sued?"
Lee "Halfling hairy foot fetish"
Chmiel's character meets Volothamp Geddarm
Chmiel "What Scandinavian metal band did he get kicked out of?"
MC was drinking 1911 brand hard cider and called it "911"
Mike "It tastes like jet fuel and sadness"
Chmiel "You have to drink two at a time"
<mass groans>
Chmiel "Too soon?"
Discussing porn, and a British version of Bang Bus in a taxi
Mike "Its a double decker bus
Lee "Bang Bus <25>, Double Deck Her"
The party has been invited to a local opera, but needs to go outside of town on a monster hunt
Kevin "We'll go after we recover from our hangovers, because we'll need to drink to get through the opera"