Silly Quotes and Smart Remarks

Warning: these pages contain adult subjects and profanity and are intended for mature readers. No actual maturity was involved.

We've always had a lot of quotable comments flying around, I didn't always have a chance to write them down. I try to do a better job these days and here's a combined page of them. And I have some Quotes of Antiquity from long before Meetup and Inside Jokes that came up in games. There's also Other Funny Stuff, a page of related jokes.

Old Quotes from previous games

Everyday conversations with cats

Current Quotes

Discussing that 5E is often lacking in details, and you have to go back to 1st edition. For example, how tall is an ogre?
Jim, looking at the 1st ed. Monster Manual, in Inigo Montoya voice "Vizzini said go back to the beginning. This is where I learned to roleplay, so this is the beginning"

Remembering the 80's scifi horror movie, Lifeforce
Jim "It had space vampires"
JoAnne "So they're spampires?"

Jim's D&D 5E Depths of Evil
Character Session
There were a bunch of good jokes, but sadly I wasn't taking notes. There was a run of crowbar jokes because Evan's character had a crowbar in his starting gear.
Brittany "If you cast Light on it, it would be a glow-bar"
Evan "If I dual-wield, it will be a bro-bar"
Jim "If I take them away from you, you have a no-bar"

The Foe Surfaces
Discussing Dolomoth's Fey patron is in the Winter Court and his spells will have an ice motif
Brittany "You're Frozone!"
Evan "Where is my super suit?!"
JoAnne, from the living room "Why do you want to know?"
Discussing that Jim has been bouncing ideas off of JoAnne and she wants to watch when some of the big campaign moments are revealed
Katya "So she's the harbinger of doom?"
Jack "It's like hearing the Jaws music before you see the shark"
Jack "She's the Watcher"
The characters are in chains and the casters are wearing masks to gag them
Jack "You gagged the casters…"
Brittany "BDSM Pirates. I feel a Con save should be a consent save"
Fighting the harpies
Evan "I use Mage Hand to pet the harpy"
Jim "She sues you for inappropriate touching"
Discussing eating the harpies
Nick "I have Purify Food and Drink"
Jim points out it's more of an evil issue, eating a sentient creature is more like cannibalism
Nick "I'm a cleric; I can purify our sins"

Tea Time
Talking about foraging for food or material components
Nick "He found some mushrooms and now he can talk to trees"
Jim "Or he thinks he can; 'Dude, you should hear what the tree told me!' "
Jim "When last we left…" and is interrupted by a loud THUMP! over the Discord chat
Jack "My phone made a run for the floor"
Talking about pronouncing the city of "Hlammach"
Jim "From the back of the throat"
Jack "You're not putting enough phlegm into it"
Sam "I was going to say that"
Nick "That's how the orcs pronounce it"
Jack "It's pronounced 'Miami' "
Discussing non-lethal weapons for the cleric
Jack "Arrows can be non-lethal; I've heard of people taking arrows to the knee"
Sam "<groans>"
Talking about using Prestidigitation cantrip to change the flavor of food
Katya "Every place is a fantastic place when you have Prestidigitation"
Talking about various weird things
Nick "Just D&D things"
Jack is questioning the merchant's apprentice and saying how he can take him in a fight
Sam "Not the way you're rolling"
Jim "BURN!"
Nick, Jack, and Katya give Sam chips
Jack "JoAnne, Jim is bullying me again"
JoAnne "And this is different how?"
No matter who is playing a cleric, they always seem to have bad initiative rolls. We call it "cleric speed".
Nick "Welcome to cleric town where you roll a d20, but it might as well be a d10"
Katya "Or a d6"

Demon Village
Discussing Dolomoth has the most gold at the moment and they keep forgetting to search the bodies of fallen enemies
Jack "I'd like to search Evan's body"
Evan "Whoa, whoa"
Jack wants Furath to do some trinket crafting while they travel, to make extra money
Evan "Like Bitcoin"
Trying to take out the first guard
Jim "That was your plan; get him"
And trying to get inside
Brittany "We're Girl Scouts; want some cookies?"
Evan "It doesn't matter if it's a bad plan, as long as it's going to plan"
Jack "We were planning on losing, so this is good"
Nick "I can't see Jack's character"
Sam "He's a dwarf"
The players spot the fireplace on the map
Brittany "We could have come in the chimney"
Jack "Not this time, Santa"
Furath throws the demon priest down the stairwell into the crumpled staircase
Brittany "The splinters must be astounding"
Furath wants to destroy the magic summoning circle in the basement with Firebolt spells
Jim "It's written in blood"
Brittany "So you just need a mop and bucket"

Hlammach Questions
Jack rolls poorly, but still succeeds
Jack "Even when I fail, I win"
Jack got a chip from someone for making up the name of Furath's father's merchant guild, "Waves of Thyme", but he didn't remember he had.
Jack "Why are you giving me a chip for being an idiot?"
Jim's fancy dragon scale metal dice are persistent low rollers
Jim "You have failed me for the last time…no, you will probably continue to fail me"

Lyrabar Larceny
Discussing Dolomoth's Fey patron's orders
Brittany "Feytron?"
Comparing characters' cash and the various coins
Jack "How much electrum does she have?"
Jim, jokingly "Shut the fuck up"
Jim "The crew will be ashore for celebrations"
Brittany "For shore"
Planning to attack the merchant ship
Jack "I am going to Jack Sparrow the crap out of this"
Discussing getting the small treasure chest open, after being hit with multiple spell traps
Katya "Can we hit it with a crowbar?"

Fey Forest
The party is traveling
Jim "On the evening of the third day…"
Brittany "Fantasy Jesus rose from the dead"
Furath has Sleep memorized, which is worthless against fey
Jim "You have to fight your battles with the spells you have, not the spells you want"
Fighting the fey
Jack "There better not be any small children here"
Discussing Prim's ease at assassinating the guards
Jim "That's what your character was made to do; kill people"
Nick "With style"
Discussing that Akari and Prim are looking for their missing mothers, but it's not Prim's first concern because she thinks her mother is already dead
Sam "My mom is a sidequest"

Coastal Cities
Comparing Mage Hand to Unseen Servant and that Mage Hand has very limited lifting capability
Evan "Mage Hand hasn't been to the gym"
Jack couldn't remember which campaign we were playing and which character he was using
Evan "You're a wizard, Jack"
Talking about local rules in the pirate freeport of Tsurlagol
Jim "It's more of a guideline"
Jack "It's the Hippocratic Suggestion"
Discussing how much gold the PCs have
Evan "I got into Bitcoin early"
Jack "By that he means bits of coins"
Furath is trying to talk to some dwarves and takes them drinks
Jim "Booze gives you an advantage"
A round of beers is five silver
Jack "I almost wrote down an electrum piece"
Jim "Bite me"
Brittany is looking at her character sheet
Brittany "I'm looking for… the answer to all my problems"
Jim "We all are"
Sam's character is low on cash and Nick offers to have Joan loan Prim some gold
Sam "I don't want to take advantage of a nun"
Discussing the guy they need to rob
Brittany "He's not one anyone would miss"
Sam "Let's try not to kill anyone"
Jim "The assassin <player> says 'Let's try not to kill anyone' "
Brittany has been rolling poorly with her d20
Jim "Maybe it's a left handed die"
Brittany rolls left handed, gets a natural 20 and flops her face down on the table

Sahuagin Attack
The party has bought passage to cross to Yhaunn
Katya "Is it a quiet trip?"
Jim "No…"
Jack "Is it after a three hour tour?"
Talking about multi-classing and maybe Akari would take a level of "pirate"
Katya "'How did you become a pirate?' 'Well, you see…'"
Evan <snorts> "Sea…"
Katya "We're spending a lot of time on boats"
Jim "And that's not going to stop…"
Dolomoth drops one sahuagin with a direct attack and collateral damage from Green Flame Blade drops another
Jack "You frickin' battered that fish"
Discussing that the party may have to face off against the squid cult again
Jack "When you melee the squid, you're whackin' the kraken"
Jim "Is that what they're calling it these days?"

Conspiracy Revealed
Discussing the pronunciation of "Yhaunn"
Jim "It's "uh-HAWN" but I'm just going to say "yawn" "
Brittany and Evan fake yawns
Talking about planning to question the bad guy, how far are Sam (and Prim) willing to go?
Nick "Nothing jogs the memory like a good dose of murder"
Possibly sending a message to lure out the bad guy
Jim "You have two bards; is it a singing telegram?"
Talking to the local informant, he says "Let's see the color of your coin"
Brittany "It's an NFT"
Jim "It's a picture of a gold piece"
They knocked out the bad guy's guards, robbed them and tied them up, then dumped their pocket flask of whiskey over them
Nick "Covered in shame and booze"
The bad guy is explaining the cell structure of their conspiracy. He was recruited by someone in another city, then recruited three allies here in Yhaunn
Brittany "This is just a pyramid scheme"

Sister Talk/Wizard's Message
We were discussing feeding cats and having to say "That's all you get" to cats on a diet
Jim put out bowls of chips, salsa and mexican chili-cheese dip
Jack "That's all you get"
The party is staying at the Six Candles Inn
Evan "We were going to celebrate Hanukhah, but we're short"
Browsing the potion shop, they had Protection from Acid
Katya "Also known as Tums"
Katya's bard Akari has fabulous persuasion skills
Katya "I just want to put on a fake moustache and use my Persuasion to convince people I'm a man"
Jim "So people will be like 'You look like a sexy woman, but you're really a man?' "
Jack "My moustache is up here"
The party is under attack by a hag
Brittany "Danger Will Robinson! Fuck!"
Akari uses Vicious Mockery
Evan "Are you from Tennessee? You look inbred"
Aria hits the hag with Toll the Dead
Jack "Ring her bell"
Discussing hags can change their appearance
Katya "And she chose that?"
Discussing the secrets Levina revealed to Aria, which are based on the backstory Brittany wrote
Brittany "I'm rereading what I wrote and… oh, fuck"
Jim "You're really fucked"
Talking about upcoming revelations
Katya (about Akari's family) "We are the assassins' guild"
Jim "That would be a good plot twist; your parents were the heads of the guild, but they wanted to retire quietly but the guild wouldn't let them"
The party knows Furath and Joan's father slept with a dwarf and an elf, who else might he have slept with?
Jim "I really wanted to give Joan and Furath a half-orc sibling. I wonder if they could have any human siblings?"
Katya "That's too mainstream"
Discussing Torin sent the hag after Levina
Jack "The hag is like a tactical airstrike; 'We've got the greenlight, drop the hag'. If she turned into a rug, it's the definition of carpet bombing"
Jim <groans> "Give me a chip"
Jack "Worth it"
Taking about choosing or bidding for warlock patrons
Brittany "I'd like the patron of forgetfulness, or dwarven fire whiskey"

Lost Assets
The adventurers start in an inn; Joan, Akari and Prim are sitting together
Katya "A cleric, assassin, and bard walk into a bar"
Akari is half-lying to convince an NPC
Katya "Tied in reality, those are the best lies"
Fighting ghouls, can they hear Dissonant Whispers?
Katya "I dis them"
Sam "Your rags are so last year"
Katya "Last century"
Chaya cuts an arm off a ghoul
Sam "It's just a flesh wound"

Gone Daddy Gone/Feyke Out
Discussing selling the food made by Create Food and Water, but it spoils after 24 hours
Evan "Made fresh daily"
Dolomoth summons a raven familiar, but asks if it can be a crow. What's his name? Bar. He's the crow Bar…
Rostok's captain was Riffin Stomes, someone said it sounded like something out of a 60's song.
The pirate captain who kidnapped Joan and Furath's dad is named bin Samak
Nick "Sounds like a salad dressing"
His ship is the Badala
Jim "Also sounds like salad dressing"
Discussing about how much Joan and Furath's dad got around and how many kids did he have?
Nick "He rivals Genghis Khan"
Jack "Khan!"
Evan "Genghis Khan says 1/3rd of people are descended from me. Your dad's like 'The other 2/3rds are mine' "
The crime boss has two lieutenants, Jim forgot to give them names. Based on the cardboard minis, they became "Baldie" and "One-Eye".
Furath summons a squirrel familiar and names it "Nuts"
Evan "His last name is Bolt; they're Nuts and Bolt…"

Hunting Ezra/Fey Rescue
We had seven bags of chips, three jars of dip, a package of cookies, and a box of donut holes
Brittany "Happy Snacksgiving"
Discussing names for weapons
Jack "I'm going to name my dagger Oxford Comma"
Jim "Then no one will use it"
Discussing the last adventure Brittany missed and the slaughter at the dinner hall
Nick "Circle of Murder"
Brittany "Sounds like a Spanish soap opera, but less Spanish and more murder"
Strakaal's warlock patron was a lich
Jack "You ever get a lich you just can't scratch?"
Dolomoth's patron contacts him and is angry and upset
Evan "Take a chill pill"
Jim "You told the winter fey to take a chill pill?"
Nick "Don't you hate it when your boss calls you in on the weekend?"
Sam read an online article about a woman who claims to have married a ghost. He couldn't propose on one knee because he didn't have legs.
The fey patron tells Dolomoth what he wants
Evan "Does he want me to marry him and does he have knees?"
Jack "Your patron turns and slaps you across the face"
The patron downloads knowledge to Dolomoth and it's a terrible brainfreeze
Jim "No lube"
Katya winces.
Going to the Feywild
Evan "Just remember to grapple some kids"
Jack "There'll be no kid grappling"
They need to rescue a fey woman
Brittany "Fewoman"
Seeing the size of the trees the summer fortress is built into
Jack "We're going to need a bigger axe…"
Summing up where we were and describing the summer court tree fortress
Brittany "Forestress"
We played at Jack's new house, he needs lots of blinds for all his windows
Jack "A blinding amount"
The party approaches the fortress gate and a guard calls down to them
Jim "Do you seek admittance?"
Jack "We admit nothing"
Some of the fortress staff are other races, like satyrs
Sam "Do any of them look familiar?"
Jack "There'll be no child grappling"
Jim puts a miniature of a troll spellcaster on the map
Evan, joking "Is that a troll-lock?"
Jim "Yep"
Discussing the usefulness of Leomund's Tiny Hut spell
Jack "Just drop a house on the witch"
Telling Katya about Valoris' icy rampage through the summer court fortress, with her victims blown apart and frozen to the walls in their own blood
Jack "Summer to winter in 30 seconds"
Brittany "Just like Buffalo"
Katya "That's an aesthetic in itself"
Nick "The aesthetic is terrifying"
Discussing using the familiars to scout
Sam and Brittany <Singing> "What a wonderful squirrel"
Talking about using the Belt of the Bear to change form in mid-air and crush someone
Jack "Bear-strike"
Looking at skills
Nick "What does Insight do?"
Sam "It's a vibe check"
Discussing the ugliness of the leucrottas, which look like a mix of different animals
Katya "Lots of inbreeding"
Brittany uses Toll the Dead and gets to roll 2d12
Nick "2d12 of murder"
The leucrottas are demon beasts
Jack "It's all fun and games until the abomination of God comes for you"
Jack "I can't wait until I get 9th level spells for Meteor"
Evan "You should use it against dinosaurs"
Talking about various undead things, how do skeletons hear without ears, for example
Jim "How do undead dragons fly; they don't have flesh!"
Brittany "Neither do airplanes!"
Prim now has +11 Stealth, so she could sneak up on Akari with her 24 Passive Perception if Sam rolls well
Jack "What happens when an unnoticeable object meets an inescapable sight line?"
The party needs light in the tomb
Jack "I have Dancing Lights"
Nick "It's like a rave"
Everyone starts making rave music noises
Jack "We've got our glow sticks; let's go"
The party encounters mummies
Jack "I don't want my mummy, I was looking for my dad"
They find treasure, shiny golden globes with an arcane rune
Brittany "It's the Holy Hand Grenade!"
Talking to Strakaal and Ezra, Akari is pretending to be Levina
Brittany "Just another day in Faerun"
Talking about Aria's family history, abandoned by family, Levina first thought dead, then alive, then dead for real, Ezra is a necromancer controlled by some kind of undead, now Aria has to stop him
Nick to Jack "And we thought our family had problems"

Brother Chase
One of the cardboard minis for the centaurs had an outstretched arm and from across the table, it looked like he was holding something…
Brittany "Is that a centaur with a machine gun?"
Brittany "My brother's name is Hunter. I'm Gatherer; I'm a vegan"
Discussing disguising the party to catch Ezra, maybe as travelling merchants
Jim to Katya "You could buy a wagon…" Katya's first character, Druka, was a Dragonblood sorcerer with a wagon fetish.
Using the familiars to scout, Dolomoth was going to send his crow, Bar, to fly ahead
Evan "Bar be flying"
Brittany, singing "Bar be flying, ok Barbi, let's go party, I'm just a Barbi girl in a Barbi world"
Waiting for Ezra, does he have undead guards with him again?
Sam "He just pulls up with a wagon full of skeletons"
How is the food at the inn?
Jim <rolls>"The mashed potatoes are 80%"
Brittany "80%? What's the rest, 20% butter?"
Nick "20% you don't want to know"
Joking again about wagons
Katya "You know those dragons; they like their wagons"
Brittany "Not all dragons like wagons"
Evan "Dwagons"
Planning to tell the innkeeper they're here to "arrest" a dangerous criminal, Evan starts laying out what he'll say and he starts to sound like a deep south sheriff
Is the party still wearing their armor and weapons sitting in the common room eating dinner?
Nick "I eat mashed potatoes with my armor on"
Nick suggests Akari seduce Ezra into kinky sex so she can put the magic manacles on him
Evan "Talk to me like one of your dead people"
Brittany "Brains… I like girls with brains. On the outside"
Does Ezra like girls?
Brittany "I like dead things"
Joan casts Bless to help the party capture Ezra. Akari and Prim dress sexy and pretend to be prostitutes going door to door looking for business. When Katya rolls to seduce Ezra, her Bless d4 gets a 4.
Jim to Nick "Your god is blessing prostitution"
Jim rolls a botch for Ezra's roll to resist Akari's seduction
Evan "I've never seen a live one come after me before"
Jim plays Daria Cohen's cartoon music video for Aurelio Voltaire's "Zombie Prostitute" song.
Furath attacks Torin with an overcharged Witch Bolt for 3d12 damage
Brittany "Okay sith lord"
Furath starts a fire with Lightning Bolt and Katya is thinking about how to put it out
Jim "I thought you were going to seduce the fire into going out"

Mother Found
Looking for Akari's mom
Evan "Accio Mom"
How did Akari's mom escape into the Feywild? Is she a feywild elf?
Brittany "A f'elf"
Akari grew up in the town of Elmwood, which is a major street in Buffalo, so we had a few jokes about that.
Talking about cross country travel, Brittany said "bushwhacking" and everyone else started up with dirty giggles
Jim "Bushwhacking is not the female equivalent of 'manscaping' "
Katya rolls a 1 for Akari to remember details of her hometown
Evan "Wing it"
Katya "I was drunk the whole time I was there"
Jack "The only thing she remembers is the floor of the tavern"
There is a druid's grove outside of town
Brittany "A d'rove"
Jim "You are prohibited from using apostrophes"
Jack "She is contractually obligated"
Discussing that Aria doesn't know much about her family
Jack "Akari could be her sister"
Katya "I don't want to be her sister, she has a bad record" (Levina is dead, Ezra is missing)
Brittany "There's an opening…"
Then there was a discussion that Akari's father is human, is she sure her mother's husband is her birth father? Maybe it was Joan and Furath's dad…
Jack "You could be our sister"
Returning home to Akari's family's house, someone cleaned it up and is taking care of it
Jim "There are no dead bodies"
Katya "Yet"
Trying to investigate the events before Akari left home
Brittany "Where is her father buried?"
Katya "Says the potential necromancer…"
Jack "I can cast Animate Dead!"
Questioning the spirit of the assassin that Adkrona killed with a kitchen knife
Jack "I was a great assassin until I took a kitchen knife to the chest"
The druid's grove has magical defenses, including three brown bears
Jack "The bear-ier is active"
Furath summons a dryad, who is from the Summer Court, and is bound to serve the owner of the Fey Orb for a short period
Katya "Summer internship"
Jim "She <the dryad> leads you through the forest"
Brittany <sings> "Over the hills and through the woods…"
The party encounters a group of giant, unicorn horned rabbits, grazing in a forest clearing
Katya "They're lost children"
Jack "I'm not grappling more children"
Jim mentioned the original boss monster was a beholder, but he went with the medusa archer
Jack "She's a bow-holder"
Jim rolled really well for Nick's cleric Joan's initiative and got a 20 two turns in a row
Jim "The cleric goes first"
Jack "This is a cursed battle"
The medusa hit Akari, Aria, and Prim with Conjure Barrage and didn't care that she hit her own henchmen
Brittany "Friendly fire is 'on' "
Chmiel stopped by to visit during the game and distracted Brittany when he walked in
Brittany "His existence distracts me"
He had a non-stop barrage of puns, but being Chmiel, they were all terrible, so I didn't write any down.
Looking at the petrified creatures in the medusa's "statue garden"
Brittany "It would be funny if her mom was somewhere else"
Jim "Your mom is in another castle"
The party approaches a group of satyrs
Sam "You better not punch it"
Jack "I don't appreciate your sa-tyre…"
The satyrs refer to the adventurers as "mortals" and Jack is confused
Jim "You're from the real world"
Sam and Jack both said "Their world is feyke"

Drow after Dark
They had a good meal at the inn
Katya "No need for Prestidigitation"
Evan "I heard 'Tagreth' and thought of Hagrid. 'Where's Harry?' "
Jim "You're an assassin, Harry"
Katya "Well, that's how the assassins get members, from orphanages"
Evan "Does Hagrid have a sword in his umbrella?"
Discussing again about the whole family thing and how Furath and Joan's dad got around. Joan, Furath and Akari have human fathers and Evan didn't specify his parents' races. Could all the half-elves be siblings?
Katya "I know who my father was"
Jim "You know your mother's HUSBAND. Doesn't mean he was your birth father. <looks at Evan> Your parents were merchants and travelled around, maybe your mom hooked up with their dad. Brittany's the only one who's safe" But later Jim as Adkrona says "your father", so we're not going to go there.
The bad guys are down, but Jim takes a picture of the battlemat to set things up again at the next session
Jim "Next game; Second Wave!"
We backed up a little so Brittany could go shopping in the last town. She found a salt shaker enchanted with Prestidigitation cantrip to flavor food
Evan "Someone gets upset, shake it on them and ask why they're so salty"
Someone got knocked down
Brittany <sings> "I get knocked down and I stay down and make up a new character"
What is a group of drow?
Brittany "A cult of drow?"
Evan "A drowt"
The drow priestess summons two giant spiders and shapeshifts into another
Brittany "Three spiders in a trenchcoat"
Discussing the Leomund's Tiny Hut spell
Katya "Can you drop it on someone?"
Jim "Only on a witch"
Evan "If you wanted it to do significant damage, it would need to be named Jabba"
The teleportation portals use clerical magic
Brittany "No clerical errors"
The portal is on the edge of the Vast Swamp
Brittany "Shrek!"
Trying dill flavored popcorn, Katya didn't like it
Brittany "Just dill with it"
Talking about glass eyes and eye patches
Jack "They'll fix that in the patch notes"
Looking for potions, they find Chain Lightning for 1,800 gold. Jim rolls again for something cheaper
Jack "For those of us in economy class"
There's a potion of Leomund's Tiny Hut
Jack "What, you turn into a hut?"
Brittany "You just look a little homely"
The nobleman rudely makes a group of people move from the best table by the fireplace
Brittany "He's a dick"
We had a run of "load" jokes; dropping his load, putting down his package, spreading his junk on the table, dropping his sword, unloading his equipment.
Talking to the nobleman about his quest, he wants to hire the bards to record it
Jack "Where are you going?"
<Jim> Sir Ulrich "I'm hunting a dragon!"
Jack "And we're out!"

Dragon Hunt
Planning to fight the dragon, Prim is the only one skilled in long swords to wield the dragon slayer
Jim "I can see myself telling another DM about this: 'How was your game?' 'Great, the assassin had to tank the dragon, I don't have a fighter in my party' "
Jack "I'm going to buff the glass cannon to adamantium"
Jim "Glassteel the glass cannon"
Jim says Joan has a spell that will help them find their dad
Nick "Create Food and Water". Dad loved food and water"
The dragon lives in a swamp
Jack "Do I see a donkey anywhere?"
Sam <laughs> "Do we see little donkey dragons?"
Jack "No. No hybrids"
Jim "It's Swamp Castle"
Jack "We treat Sir Ulrich as an ogre"
Nick "We couldn't find an ogre; closest we could get was a Scottish guy and some green paint"
Talking about what dragons hoard, Jim explains different dragons hoard different things, for example, black dragons don't hoard paper or water vulnerable items.
Jack "If this dragon is hoarding friendship…"
Nick almost spits out his drink
The party is ambushed by a lizardman spellcaster
Jack "It's a Salaman-cer"
More lizardmen appear from the swamps
Jack "What is the membership requirement for this cult? Just show up?"
One of the squires is killed by the lizardmen
Jack "Only two days to retirement…"
Rolling a second time for the dragon's breath weapon, the dragon needs a 5+ on 1d6
Jim <gets a five> "Yes! Recharge!"
After the game
Jack "I need to make a dragonborn sorcerer so I can be a Salamancer"

Pub Crawl with Vampires
Discussing evil vampire tactics with JoAnne before the game
Jim "I'm a dick"
Discussing spells like Tongues and the bard's Universal Speech ability
Brittany "Dolphins have human sized brains"
Jim "I would have to decide if they count as intelligent for this purpose. Or this porpoise…"
Spotting a group of vampires, are they really vampires? Maybe they're just actors
Evan "They're just roleplaying"
Jim "LARPing"
Brittany "I hate Twilight"
A vampire claws Aria
Brittany "Lady, how dare you? You need a manicure"
Discussing all of the god Loki's children in Norse mythology
Jim "We have a new theory about Joan and Furath's dad"
The party is concerned the door has a trap on it, instead they're ambushed by ghouls from the sewer
Jim, to Brittany "You said there was a trap"
Brittany "The trap was shitgoblins"
The vampire left the kidnapped woman on the floor in the sewer catacombs
Katya "You put your food on the floor? With all this shit?"
Fighting the vampires and summoned rats
Brittany "I've made a grave mistake. Pun intended"
The rat swarms approach, Aria fights them with Burning Hands
Evan "Anyone want some ratatouille?"
Brittany "Are these"
Jim "No, they're Rodents Of Usual Size"
Aria casts Confusion on the rats, they might attack each other
Evan "Cannibalism for the win"

Doppel Trouble
Talking about shopping for potions and magic items, Jack mentioned less suitable versions of Potion of Giant Strength
Jack "Pixie Strength, Ogre Wisdom, Homunculous Charisma"
The NPC said his merchant associate was possessed
Jack "By the spirit of greed? Possession is 9/10ths of the law"
The wizard's apprentice serves them refreshment
Brittany "Fantasy lemonade"
The possibly possessed merchant made weak excuses for cutting the meeting short
Brittany "He was late for pilates, or pi-rah-tes"
The characters are being individually questioned by the town guard
Sam "My adventuring group was hired to do a wellness check"
Jim almost spits soda all over the table
Sam "I'm a social worker"
Prim is a former prostitute
Jim "Is that what they call it?"
Sam laughs and chokes a little
Jim "Do you need a wellness check?"
Lexie sends them to talk to a sage she knows
Jack "I'm glad it's not the parsley; just the sage"
There's a dead moment while everyone processes that, then mass groans and Jim fines Jack a chip, so Sam gives him one
Going over what happened in the first session with Evan
Evan "You got arrested"
Jack "Tax Evasion. Not even the Joker takes on the IRS"
Discussing spells to use to reveal the doppelgangers
Jack "Hold my beer; I've got an idea"
Jim "You did not go there"
JoAnne "Oh, God!"
Jack "It's 11 o'clock, do you know where your doppelganger is?"
Furath, a half-dwarf, wants to take a short rest
Evan, snorting "Every rest is a short rest"
Jack "I don't learn anything, I make bad decisions"

The Winter Knight
Talking about picking out enemy fey
Jack "If there was a child or an old lady, I'd start swinging"
Planning the attack
Jack "What's the worse that could happen?"
Jim "TPK"
Wondering where they were, are they in the High Glaciers?
Evan "It's definitely the High Ice, this guy has a lot of opium"
One of the trolls is sitting on a stack of status indicator disks
Jack "The tower of debuffs"

Dread Pirate Dad
The party was in town for the Midwinter holiday and someone suggested an in game Secret Santa
Nick "I got you forty pounds of food and water"
The ship across to Starmantle is not a cruise ship
Jack "Just some crew's ship"
Making holy water is involved
Jack "You can't just throw up some gang signs and make it holy"
Discussing questions for Divination, like is there a whore house in town?
Sam "He's here right now"
Jack "He's working"
The brothel is closed in the morning
Nick "What kind of business isn't open for breakfast?"
Looking for dad
Jim "We're not here to sue you for child support"
Nick "But you owe me 16 years worth of birthday presents"
Brittany "I cast Summer Brain Scramble"
Jim "Is that what you call Synaptic Static?"
Questioning people in the bar
Jack "I try not to kill everyone in the bar, like the last time I had a storyline"
Aria makes up a great sea shanty on the spot about looking for Joan and Furath's dad
JoAnne "It's like the Ballad of Jane"
Going to the town guard to put out a missing persons' report for dad
Brittany "Put in an Amber Alert"
Describing Captain bin Samak
Brittany "He's Dread Pirate Roberts!!"
Going to the brothel
Evan "Your dad would be so proud"
Sam "Do pirates speak Thieves' Cant?"
Jim "No, they speak pirate. Arrrrr!"
Nick "Lots more consonants"
Some of the local drunks give the party directions
Nick "Show me the way, scalliwags"
Brittany "I have a strong distrust of parental figures at this point"
Dolomoth can use Disguise Self so there are five women in the party
Sam, points at Jack "He can be our pimp"
Sam, about Joan "She's a woman of God, but she knows Daddy"
Joan goes to pray after finding her father is a pirate
Jack "Worship at the Porcelain Altar? What is the wisdom?"
Nick "Eat more fiber"
Jim "Wear sunscreen"
Having really fine brandy with dad
Brittany "Oh Brandy, she's a fine girl"
Discussing playing other games, like Star Wars
Nick "I want to be an ex-Stormtrooper who was kicked out because he could actually hit the target."

The Oracle at Sumbar
Katya has finished her summer classes' papers and exams
Katya "Dobbie is a free elf!"
Discussing the lizard man cook, Brask
Jack "Everything is scaled appropriately"
Brittany "A lizard ate your chef"
Jack "Be careful, he's got spices"
Talking about Prim can make false identities and trying to lure the kraken into a trap
Katya "We're going to catfish it"
Joan asks the pawn shop owner for a work of art, he comes out with a painting
Nick "Of dogs playing poker?"
Jack "Dogs playing D&D"
Brittany "Dragons playing D&D"
A bat-winged monster is flying high above the Oracle's island
Jack "Oh God, it's Vengeance!"
Aria summons a ghost of one of island's visitors, who fell down the cliff
Nick "Can she point to a less clumsy ghost?"
What question would dad ask the oracle? How many children does he have?
Jim "You have five more"
The oracle says Joan's mother's name is Kyloressa Tanethian
Katya "Kylo Ren?"
Talking about Jack's crazy villain from his last game
Jack "He summons trains. He's a metromancer"
Evan "So you're going to railroad them"
Katya suggested he worships Thomas the Tank Engine
Describing the Spiderhaunt Woods and it's full of giant spiders
Brittany "So Spiders Of Unusual Size. SOUS?"
Jack "The forest is sus"
Brittany "They're SOUS chefs"
They encountered lots of bad weather on the way home
Jack "I want to speak to my travel agent"
Brittany, telemarketer voice "Triple Pay, how can I help you?"

Tilverton Rescue
Discussing dracoliches
Katya "<Undead> Dragonborn?"
Jack "Dragon dead"
Prim disappeared on the way to the inn and hasn't shown up by bedtime
Evan "She's like an outdoor cat; she'll come back eventually"
Akari is hired to seduce someone and lead them into a trap
Katya "Are there any roofies I can buy?"
Discussing that Dolomoth's backstory totally leads to Rostok being a dragon
Jack "I give Evan a chip for writing a story so good that he fooled himself"
Talking about Brittany's story for Aria also led to tragedy
Brittany "I just wanted to juggle…"
Aria gets a partial map of the manor from one of the ghosts
Brittany "I got it off a dead guy. Tears were shed"
Katya "We won't say whose"
Akari wears a disguise when she's acting as a rogue
Katya "I take off my fake mustache"
Jim "I put glasses on and tell everyone I'm Clare Kent"
I initially described the sound of the devil walking past in the hallway, then had to take it back because of the Silence spell
Jim "Something moves past, sounds like a leathery cloak rustling"
Sam "Sounds like chafing" which led to lots of leather pants/chaps jokes
Dolomoth opens the door and smells brimstone from the devil
Jim "You smell something burnt"
Sam "It's his thighs"
One of the bad guys enters Dolomoth and Furath's room
Sam "The enemy knocks this time"
Evan "Sorry, I was trying to take the trash out. It's you"
The bad guys took 100 gold from Prim, but the dead rogue only has 50 gold and Dolomoth is trying to find more
Jim "You can't get blood from a stone, but you can from a corpse"
Dolomoth moves up to attack the evil cleric
Evan " 'Sup bitch?"

Court of the Erlking
Discussing whatever the Abomination is, it's from another world
Nick "If it's from another world, I'll just give it the flu"
Jim "Thank you, H.G. Wells"
Discussing what is in the icicle
Katya "It might be a child"
Jim "And Jack's not here to grapple it"
Sam "I was going to say that"
Evan "I hope it's not my <warlock> contract"
Jim "They sold your student loan"
Sam "Now you have to go through Sallie-Mae"
How do you open the icicle?
Sam "You have to lick it"
Jim "How many licks does it take to get to the center?"
Katya "Is this like in A Christmas Story, where the kid gets his tongue stuck on the flagpole?"
Evan "I watched The Princess Bride again"
Brittany "Dread Pirate Bob to his friends"
How do you address the Erlking, a fey lord with antlers on his helmet?
Nick "Your Antlerness?"
Katya "Your Horniness"
Talking to the Erlking, Nick really wants to know about the field of magical tombstones they passed through
Nick "We're not going to talk about the rocks, are we?"
Someone, maybe Katya, suggested Joan should ask her god.
Nick "Joan goes to Lathander and he says 'I just scattered them, it's a prank. I was hoping someone would start a religion over them' "

Dolomoth and the Dragon
Brittany "Do we know what kind of dragon?"
Jim "Red dragon"
Jack "Dead dragon"
Brittany "I like the positive attitude"
It's sunrise
Jack "The sun is about to set on his life"
Brittany "Good Lord, man"
Making saves to see if the house is an illusion
Jack "I'd like to roll Insight; is the house lying to me?"
Sending the familiars to spy on the house, can the crow carry the squirrel and air drop him onto the house?
Jack "Squirrel Team Six"
Brittany " 'There are intruders.' 'How did they get in?' 'In-tru-the window' "
Talking about wizards and the Fly spell
Brittany "Mages can't stop flying"
Evan "You've got two legs for a reason; use them!"
Jack "Fifteen year old wizard gets in trouble "You're grounded' 'Ahhhh' "
Half the party is knocked down by the Wind Wall spell, but not the assassin
Brittany "Prim is not prone"
The dragon wizard casts Disintegrate on Prim
Jim "He shoots a gray beam of light"
Brittany "Gradient damage"
Jack "That's the way it was in the 20's; before we had color"
Evan "Part of silent films"
Evan rolls to hit with disadvantage and still gets a 24 and a 27
Jack "I'm sorry, does nothing faze you?"

Underdark Expedition
Discussing the Wand of Viscid Globs
Jack "The first thing I thought of was the Elmer's Glue Stick"
Sam "A caulk gun"
One of the swords recovered from the Derro was evil
Jack "You say evil, I say misguided"
The potion shop has a potion of Polymorph
Jim "Polyjuice Potion"
Evan can't find the magic item he's looking for
Sam " 'Can you check the back?' "
Discussing Gloves of Arrow Snaring, does the Monk's missile deflection ability run on ki points?
Jack "You're going to have a lot of Kis on that ring"
Furath is hitting on the priestess
Sam "I'm going to roll <Persuasion> to be Jack's wingwoman
Sam rolls a Nat 20 for a 33 Persuasion
Jim "She looks at Prim and says 'What are you doing after the adventure?' "
The church offers them money to help rescue the refugees and Joan Returns it to the church. Furath does the same out of guilt.
Jack "The second we deal with religion again I feel guilty"
When the party stops, it would be late afternoon on the surface
Jack "Late in the afterdark"
Discussing Water Walk, Evan has an eager look in his eye
Jim "I know what you're thinking…"
Evan "I cast Jesus"
Jack "It <the water> turns into wine"
Aria casts Fly from her staff while the rest of the party continues with Water Walk
Jack "Mortals, you picked Jesus. I picked Superman"
Passing a "fungus oasis"
Jack "There's a humongous fungus among us"
Jim "You're such a fun guy"
Jack "I'm moldering with anger"
Jim "I'm going to put a cap on this. Before anyone stalks you. To get to the root of the problem"
Dolomoth uses Disguise Self to look like a drow
Jack "Look at him; he shapeshifted into a dead guy"