Silly Quotes and Smart Remarks

Warning: these pages contain adult subjects and profanity and are intended for mature readers. No actual maturity was involved.

We've always had a lot of quotable comments flying around, I didn't always have a chance to write them down. I try to do a better job these days and here's a combined page of them. And I have some Quotes of Antiquity from long before Meetup. And the Monty Python "Cheese Shop" sketch redone as the Game Shop Sketch. And the random "That's what she said!" table. There's also Inside Jokes with some running gags.

Old Quotes from previous games

Current Quotes

Mountains of Madness
First game, there was a little reading issue
Mike "What is frugal honey?"
Lee "I think its fungal honey"
We flipped over one of the upper cards which needed lots of resources
Emily "That's lots of tools"
MC "More tools than a Five Finger Death Punch concert"

Mike's D&D 5E "The Sunless Citadel"
Caite "Why do I have a dating app on my character sheet?" It was a tinder box…
Chmiel kept mispronouncing rapier, making it sound like "raper" and Caite was confused so Marcus explained it was a kind of fencing sword
Caite "I know what a fencing sword is, I didn't know what a 'raper' was"
Jim "A Hollywood producer?"
Chmiel stabs an enemy in the chest for max damage with his rapier
Chmiel "I give him a reverse zipper tits!"
Everyone "WHAT?!?"
Chmiel explained that it was his dad's friend's term for his nasty open heart surgery scar
Lee "Bang Bus 12: Zipper Tits"
Mike describes the boss villains, including the evil sorceress
Lee "She sounds kind of sexy"
Jim "She's not trustworthy"

Mike's D&D 5E Tomb of Annihilation
Welcome to the Jungle
Caite "Can I get another tinderbox?"
Mike "Don't grab the one with AIDS"
Marcus "I think that would be grindbox"
Visiting the merchant prince's castle, looking at all the expensive furnishings and items on display
Mike "If you learned anything from Aladdin, don't touch shit"
Discussing guides, MC said one had heart
Scott "Rudy had a big heart and he sucked at football"
In the Thundering Lizard bar
Mike "The bar smells like piss"
Jim "Oh, like The Pink" (a dive bar in the Allentown district of Buffalo)

Plundered Temple
Reading the note on the altar
Lee “Aughhh...
Bricks fall and strike the party
Lee “This construction is not up to code”
Checking the wights, they have some swords
Mike "They might be worth 15gp each if someone polishes them. Maybe Jim's character can polish them"
Picking on Jim because his paladin in Lee's game is fastidious about caring for his weapons
Mike "He's a PPP; perpetually polishing paladin"
The rogue finds an animal claw in the tree house
Mike “Its from some kind of lion or tiger”
MC and Alicia “Or bear”
The party hears some kind of roaring in the jungle
Bonnie to Alicia “Was that your stomach? Are you hungry?”
Facing the were-tiger
Bonnie "He just wants someone to be his fluffer"

Hedging your Bets
Making stripper jokes while passing around change from ordering dinner
Marcus "I'm used to picking up singles"
Bonnie "With what…?"
Moving into the hedge maze
Caite "Its like Maze Runner. Or the Goblet of Fire"
Mike "Let's go with Goblet of Fire"
Lee "There's a bustle in the hedgerow"
Caite botches and hits Bonnie's character
Caite "Can we use dice that don't have ones on them?"
Discussing the different colors of grungs by castes
Jim "Don't lick the frogs"
The grung leader is king Groak
Lee "Supreme leader Groke?"
The grung priest wants to do an illusion of the grung goddess to fool the king
Jim "Frog porn"

Garden Party
Our new player Scott C brought a half-orc barbarian named Nanoc Doombringer
Lee "He's available for kids' parties"
Talking to the yuan-ti, Mike gave them a sibilant, lisping accent and we responded in kind
Lee "You are missstaken"
Mike "Mis-snaken"
Crossing the bridges into Kir Sabal, many people fell and took damage
Lee "We fought the snake guys and won, but then we died crossing a bridge"
Lee's character spends the night with the princess
Scott C "In the words of Tone Loc, she is walking with a limp"
Discussing the barbarian's history as a dinosaur fighting pit gladiator
Alicia "Does he look like Russell Crowe?"
Mike is drawing the map and everyone is making guesses
Bonnie "Pictionary!"
A giant man eating plant attacks the party
Jim "Feed me Seymour!"
Bonnie rolls minimum damage of 2hp for her dragonborn's breath weapon attack
Bonnie "How does that happen?"
Lee "It was an ice hairball"

Peaks of Flame
Discussing dinner with the bird people
Lee "Raw seeds and corn"
Mike "They give you a chunk of suet"
Talking about flying to the Peaks of Flame
Alicia "Because there are t-rexs, are there pterodactyls?"
Following the ore cart tracks
Jim "The railroad"
Lee "We are literally being railroaded"
People are questioning Bonnie on finding a rock, how does she know how much it weighs, could be different density
Bonnie "Holy shit, I was just looking for a fucking rock!"
Describing the kobolds
Bonnie "Lots of sleeping… assholes"

City of Snakes
Reading the grafitti in the guard house
Jim "We missed the poetry slam"
Alicia "For a good time, call…"
A long boulevard runs almost all the way across the city, north to south
Bonnie "The Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
The rescued scribe has a russian accent
Mike "I'm following Lee's tradition of making NPCs russian"
Rehashing for people who missed the last session, we need to collect nine puzzle stones
Caite "Is there a magic glove this is going in?"
Discussing marching order, Scott M and Scott C are at the rear
Bonnie "Two Scotts in the rear"
Lee, Scottish accent "Two Scots in the rear, that's the punchline of every joke in Glasgow"
Lots of wine and snacks were passed around the table
The party lights torches as they enter a shrine
MC, waving her wine glass "We're lit"
Jim "Some more than others"
Aria casts a Minor Illusion to fake a Wall of Fire, but we're having trouble seeing the map because of all the food on the table
Bonnie "Wall of Fire, Wall of Snacks"
Trying to decide where to go next
Bonnie "Mystery Shrine for 400"
The ghast shrieks when hit by a Firebolt
Caite "Like a lobster when you drop it in the pot"
Making comments about lubricating the key before putting it in the pedestal
Alicia "Just spit on it and stick it in"
Mike "Alicia likes it rough"
Jim botches on his stealth check
Mike "Jim's character falls and all his stuff rattles"
Bonnie "He falls into a china shop"
Discussing music
Scott C "Dubstep sounds like Optimus Prime jerking off"
Lee’s character steps on a tile and a blade swings out from the wall and hits him
Lee <shouting back through the maze> “Do not step on the tiles!”
Scott M, pretending to misunderstand “You have large piles?”
Marcus “You want to see Ryan Stiles?”

Star Wars D6 Rebellion
Character Session
Emily was talking about how Mirialans were made second class citizens and basically put in camps or reservations
Emily "So then Trump, I mean, Palpatine…"
Looking at Assets and Complications
Michael "Would Natural Linguist be useful?"
Lee "No, but Cunning Linguist would be"
Talking about someone's character doing drugs
Lee "He took a hit off the space bong, the spong"
Kevin's character is a Mandalorian who wants to revive their past glory
Lee "Make Mandalore Great Again"
Michael "Build a wall around your world"
Mike "And make the Empire pay for it"
Jim "The Rebel base is code named Oracle"
Emily "Like the sage or part of the nipple?" <she meant areole>
Emily bursts out laughing
Emily "It was so hard to say that with a straight face"
More character slogans
Lee "Feel the Burn"
Kevin "Are you a Flametrooper?"
Emily "Are you gay? Because that's okay"
Kevin "He's not a Flamingtrooper"

Supply Raid
We were discussing if the planet Tel III had any moons and Emily suggested it had 14
Lee "Take your girlfriend outside and fondle each other through your spacesuits under the light of 14 moons"
Emily "I can't imagine what the tides are like"
Michael "When the moons line up, you get 100 foot waves"
Jim "That's when the surfer convention arrives"
Discussing that the campaign starts after the Battle of Yavin and that the destruction of the Death Star was a tremendous boost for Rebel morale and recruiting
Jim "There's a new hope"
Lee "I feel the Empire will strike back"
Mike "Someone will return"
The adventure takes place in the Laud system, which Jim mispronounced as "loud"
Lee "You can hear it from miles away"
Jim "Have you been hanging around with Chmiel?"
The mission shouldn't be too hard
Lee "Its a milk run. A blue milk run"
Discussing Lee's character only goes by his nickname
Lee "You don't know my name"
Michael "Its on your W-2"
Continual jokes and puns about being in the "Loud" system
Lee "It comes out loud, but no one notices because the ambient noise is so high"
C'athall and Varek are not doing well bribing the supply officer
Lee "Worst. Bribers. Ever."
Michael rolls to hit with two shots and due to bad rolls and botches, ends up with totals in the single digits
Lee "The troopers look at you and say 'That's a bad shot. And we're Imperials…' "
Rolling to see if Hack accidentally shoots C'athall or Varek
Kevin "If you shoot us, you're getting a talking to"
Jim asks Kevin a question about Varek's stats
Kevin "I have a two Knowledge"
Lee "Two dice or two points?"
Jim "Do you have Forgery?"
Lee "Poetry?"
Emily "That's what I heard, too"
Jim "It is not a pork truck"
Lee fails his Forgery to concoct an authentic sounding recall order to the TIE fighters
Lee "I might have done better rolling Poetry"

Refinery Strike
Discussing a disguise kit to conceal Leelan's race
Lee "Its called black face"
Jim "Space face"
Leelan's R5 has artwork inspired by Mirialan tattoos
Jim "Nice graffitti, did some Jawa kids steal it?"
Jim, to Michael "You may use Con <skill>"
Lee "Khan!!"
Smuggling weapons on board the transport
Jim "There's no T.S.A., so it should be easy"
Emily "There will be after this"
Jim "<newscaster voice> Mirialan terrorists destroy refinery"
Trying to make small talk with the employees
Lee "Do you work here often?"
Lee's character is being rebellious and C'athall, the team commander, regards him as being childish
Mike "Wait until I talk to your mother… Oh wait"
Mass "Ooowwww"
The players kept warning each other not to mention they had bombs
Kevin "How about those training videos? They're dynamite!"
Lee "Don't mention the bomb!"
Lots of "Somebody set us up the bomb" comments, mostly from Lee
Discussing the bombs, Jim says they are equal to at least a kilo of C4
Lee "How much is that?"
Emily (laughing) "You don't understand metric?" because Lee is Canadian and that's what they use
Lee "No, I don't know how much explosive it is"
Lee wants Hack to carry a bomb, but Mike says no, so Lee writes a protest poem
Lee "The Capt'n won't let me take the bomb,
Words can't explain how much he's wrong,
If I had the bomb, I'd BE the bomb,
But I guess we'll never know."
Planning the escape
Emily "I imagine we'll have a sloppy escape, yelling 'Run away, run away!' "
Talking about stealing the partially loaded ore freighter docked at the refinery
Lee "We could drop rocks on people and they could die"
Jim "Believe me, I'm thinking about that right now"
Stealing an escape speeder
Kevin "We walk briskly to the speeders"
Mike wants to fire the carbine, even though it does the same damage as his pistol
Mike "Rifle skill lets me roll more dice"
He rolls and gets ones on almost half his dice
Jim "More dice means more ones"

Quid Pro Quo
Discussing buying an airspeeder
Emily "We could almost buy our own ship for that"
Going to the spaceport bar
Michael "Is it a spiki (space tiki) bar?"
Jim "We go to ze meeting" (bad French accent, I don't know why)
Emily (confused) "Zee Mi Ting? Who's that?"
The contact is Graxi Takka
Emily "When I see his name, I want to say 'Graxi Taxi' "
The crime syndicate's offices are very posh
Emily "Did I bring my droid?"
Jim "Not unless he's serving drinks"
Emily "Never bring a droid to a knife fight"
During the meeting with the crime boss
Michael "Does he open a side door to show a bloody body hanging in chains?"
Jim "No, but I admit there is a little Niska vibe here"
Varek shoots a trooper and Kevin is disappointed he isn't wounded
Jim "He is wearing armor"
Kevin "Oh… Lame. It's not sporting"

Deathwatch
Discussing some D&D podcast's character
Michael "He was sleeping around like bards do"
Emily "Are bards known for that?"
Jim "Just ask Matt"
Emily "So bards are like the lead guitar player?"
And the Raise Dead ceremony, which requires some friends to come to help lure the dead soul back to life
Jim "Its a reverse eulogy"
The player characters are praised and get a bonus for getting the medical supplies for free practically
Emily "Do we get an award ceremony?"
Jim "Everyone gets a commendation in their records"
Emily "Five commendations earn you an award ceremony"
Kevin "Unless you're a Wookie. Or a droid"
One of the Rebel Y-wings from the Black Knives squadron is missing
Michael "Black Knives Matter"
Jim groans and penalizes Michael a chip for the bad pun
Emily "You've been waiting to say that, haven't you?"
Michael "Ever since he said 'Black Knives' "
The crew splits up on Genesia, looking for work
Emily "We're going to crime casual"
Describing the different Mandalorians and their tricked out armor
Emily "Mandalorians seem complicated"
Varek defeats the Mandalorian that attacked him
Michael "You need to cut off his head to gain his power"
Jim "This isn't Highlander"
Discussing why Deathwatch might be after Varek
Jim "You stole a ship"
Kevin " 'Stole' is a strong word' "

Scrapyard
(GM's note: I don't know what got into everyone, but we had an incredible amount of off-color jokes, NSFW references and dick sketching. And Matt wasn't even there! A lot of it never made it into my notes and at one point I flatly refused to write down anymore. So it was much worse than these comments suggest.)
Emily "I'm going to tell…"
Jim <sings> "She's going to tell"
Kevin "I run in and yell 'No singing! No singing on my ship' "
Talking about if Michael's character had a chance to tell his contact he had to flee the planet
Jim <mimes phone call> " 'We got to get offworld now… Yeah, bounty hunters.' It's an occupational hazard for career criminals"
Describing Chag's base of operations
Emily "It has its own junkyard inside. Its a junkyard inside a junkyard"
Kevin "Its Junkception"
Zaonderh remains behind on the ship
Jim "You're polishing your horns"
Emily "Is that what they're calling it these days?"
Looking for a ground vehicle in the junkyard
Lee "What about a food truck? They're everywhere, no one would pay any attention to us"
The crew got a discount on parts and got some money back and were discussing how to spend it
Mike "I'm getting the daily special on Pornhub"
Lee "I'm getting soup AND salad"
Lee's character was talking loud
Mike "Yeah, he's got Tourette's, just ignore him"
The crew is discussing what weapons and stuff to wear in the pirate town and decide to hit the local restaurant
Kevin, thoughtfully "You know… if we're going to a restaurant, I'm not going to wear my shoulder guns"
Jim "A Mandalorian, a Devaronian and a Mirialan walk into a bar…"
Kevin "You're looking at me? As overdressed?"
Discussing fashion in the Star Wars universe
Lee "Its an advanced society, so there are no ties"
Emily "I decided 'Hack' means chicken in Mirialan, but there are no chickens in Star Wars, like there is no underwear"
Michael mimed throwing up so well, for a moment Jim thought he was really choking
Mike "That's real roleplaying"
Lee "It's terrible using Google in Scotland," <great Scottish accent> "Angus, why don't you Goooogle it?"
Describing the local storage buildings, and that the owner sells stuff people leave behind, or takes merchandise as payment to sell later
Lee "Its Storage Wars!"
The storage building owner is an Elomin
Kevin, to Michael "You talk to him, horns talk to horns, its a rule"
The bartender put some booze in Hack's blue milk
Lee "Can I get an Irish Blue Milk?"
Kevin "Blue Milk Bomb"
Kevin "As Mandalorians, we don't have emotions"

Pilot Rescue
Michael has his dice laid out in a pattern on the table
Lee "Looks like you have a dice dick"
Looking at the map of the slavers' compound
Lee "Is that a fence?"
Emily "Dearest Kevin, I hope this plan finds you well"
Sneaking up on the enemy compound
Kevin "I hope we don't have a random encounter"
Discussing what they are wearing to attack
Lee "Its a black tie attack"
MC stopped in after work to bring Mike dinner
MC "I had the greatest experience at the gynecologist…"
The Star Wars end credits theme comes up on the playlist
Emily "Sorry guys, its over"
Mike "You'll have to wait until the next episode"
Searching the enemy shuttle
Kevin "Is it packed with gold?"
Lee "Its Myrrh"
Michael wants to keep the droid from the Y-wing
Kevin "The plans in that droid are critical"
Michael "What plans?"
Kevin "I don't know"
Michael "Can I find some discreet armor?"
Emily "Like from an adult store? Armor in a plain brown wrapper?"
Working on upgrading the ship
Lee "We sign up for an episode of Pimp My Ride"
Spending chips for improving skills
Lee "How do you learn Dodge <skill>?"
Jim "They take you down to the firing range and shoot at you with stun guns"
Mike "How many chips does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

Droid Army Cache
Rolling initiative to see who gets the best chair in the briefing room, Lee super botches
Lee "I'm dragged out of the room by United Airlines"
During the briefing
Lee "That's not a distress call… It's a warning!"
The ship upgrades are complete, including the sensor jammer
Kevin "Yay! We can throw jam at people"
Kevin rolls so-so for a Piloting check
Jim "Adequate flying"
Kevin "I flew casual"
Scanning the planet, Emily beats Lee's Sensors roll
Lee "I was insensitive"
Talking about figuring out what was going on, someone suggested playing a TV game show
Michael "I want to buy a vowel"
Jim "You've got a pile of chips"
Lee "One big vowel movement"
Hack is working on the base's old computers and the rest of the team splits up to explore the base
Kevin "Did we want to leave him behind?"
Lee "Well, you all fucking did"
The battle droids attack the party
Lee "Exterminate!"
Trying to figure out how the tanks work
Kevin "How are these powered?"
Lee "Steam"
The Probe droid attacks
Michael "I'm behind Kevin, wherever he is"
Rehashing the last session for Mike, who came late, discussing Leelan's problems starting the tanks
Emily "Whenever I set something on fire, it's not on purpose. Unless I meant to do it"
Discussing Mirialans in galactic society
Emily "Are they like the Amish?"
Jim "No, they have wi-fi"
Talking about Emily's bad rolls
Emily "I haven't been playing this game very well today, its all luck based" <rolls poorly> "Oh shit…"
Michael "Its good you can roll that many 1's and 2's and still succeed"
"Groom the wookie" was a new euphemism
Discussing a famous science fiction star who attended a local convention and what a tool he is
Mike "He's the whole tool box"
The players spent points to improve their characters and the usual "Training montage" became the "Grooming montage"

Boots on the Ground
Emily rolls on Leelan's random activities table
Emily "Flight simulator <training> programs"
Lee "NERD!"
Discussing how Michael's character gets shot or locked in a car trunk when they visit Genesia
Michael "Its a trunk adventure; I got shot last time"
Kevin gets Varek's helmet sensor bonus on a roll
Jim "He wears his helmet all the time"
Lee "Are you Judge Dredd?"
The Empire is deploying a garrison to Genesia to crack down on illegal trade
Kevin "This sounds like a conversation at the White House"
Jim "The Empire's going to build a wall"
Mike "And Genesia's going to pay for it"
Leelan is looking for ship parts in a junkyard
Emily "Got any sensor packages?"
Jim "Go fish"
C'athall is flirting with the transport pilot and mentions his character has a nipple ring with a feather, which leads to jokes about dreamcatcher nipple rings and a trip to the internet to see that they do exist.
Jim "Okay, we've lost focus, that's it for tonight"
Discussing how hard it is for Michael's Devaronian to ever go under cover because he can't pass for a human, even in a helmet because of his horns
Kevin "So your complication is you're horny?"
Deciding not to infiltrate a base to steal a ship so they can infiltrate the garrison
Emily "It would be overplanning on top of overplanning"
Lee "Planception"
Michael is trying to figure out if he can wear some of the spare Mandalorian armor and helmet
Jim "You would have to cut holes in the helmet for your horns to stick through"
Emily "I feel horns sticking out of a mandalorian helmet would be so Viking"
Then we're looking at various Devaronian artwork, Michael finds one of a pirate in a very flamboyant outfit
Emily "He looks… swishy"
Jim "Anything that looks pirate looks swishy"
Hack's fake IT company is Deep Throat Software
Then there was a long discussion about Mon Calamari hands, Lee was sure they had suckers and we finally proved he was right, even the old action figures have sucker hands
Lee "What does that show? Don't doubt me"
Emily "But you've been wrong before."
Spying on the garrison from the woods
Kevin "I should have packed a lunch"
Looking at the control room's server farm
Lee "I get a little chubby thing (erection) thinking about that server room"
Discussing where to hide the speeder
Kevin "In the shrubbery"
There were a lot of silly code phrases, we ended up with a lot of breakfast references. After shooting the four troops
Kevin "I had to shoot four waffles out of the toaster, more waffles are on the way"
Lee "Butter side is down"
Then a discussion of breakfast foods for code names, mostly English ones from Harry Potter. Someone suggested "Danish"
Emily "There's no Danish, there are no Danes in Star Wars to name it after"
Mike "They're Spanish" pronounced spay-nish
Jim "You mean Spanish?"

Orbit City
Discussing getting a team tattoo and a name for the team
Kevin "Team Rebel World Police"
Would Leelan accept Mirialan tattoos on other races?
Emily "Can I roll to understand my own spirituality?"
Making up a code name for Chmiel's guest character
Lee "Sphincter"
Chmiel "The Executive"
Discussing going to a bar to meet the spy
Chmiel "Only these guys could overplan going to a bar"
Four stormtroopers, a local corporate security officer and an Imperial officer come to arrest the spy
Chmiel "At my best, I could only take three"
Chmiel botches his roll to stay calm
Kevin "You're the worst spy ever"
Zaonderh spills a drink on another bar patron and pretends to be drunk to start a distraction. Hack tries to apologize to the arrest squad
Mike "That is the most Canadian response ever"
C'athall attacks a stormtrooper
Mike "I am going to go John Wick on him"
Half the time Jim says "forgery", Lee hears "poetry"
Kevin "His forgery is so good, its poetry"
Chmiel's character shoots the informant
Chmiel "Snitches get stitches"
Zaonderh is trying to negotiate with some local thugs for safe passage
Emily "He's going to end up in a trunk"
Michael "This is a trunk adventure" Half the adventures, Zaonderh gets shot, the other half he ends up kidnapped in a speeder trunk
Talking about upgrade options for Zaonderh's cyberleg
Lee "I'm going to put wi-fi in your leg"
Chmiel "You'll get knee-mail"
Emily rolls a 31 to Sneak
Kevin "The shadows are hiding in you"
The next mission is supposed to be easy
Lee "It's a milk run. A blue milk run"

Death by Triflexia
Hack installs a holo-projector on the ship so it can project different designs on the hull to help change the ship's appearance
Emily "So just <drawings of> penises"
Hack is trading with the supply officers at the bases
Jim "You get a case of space brandy"
Lee "Sprandy"
Chmiel is discussing Bohdan's translator and calls it a "wookie-talkie"
The base engineer is dead from electrocution, but his head is oddly swollen
Lee "He's allergic to electricity"
Everytime Lee rolls Perception, he says "With four dice" because he just raised his stat
Discussing the Mirialan homeworld is cold and mildly radioactive
Lee "Chernobyl"
Chmiel's wookie is a little rambunctious
Mike "I'm going to squirt you"
Flying the sensor unit to the far side of the planet
Chmiel "I thought the planet was flat"
Emily "Only half the planet thinks that"

Devaronian Intrigue
Discussing that planets in Star Wars all seem to be made of a single terrain type and what will this one be
Emily "What kind of planet? I'm envisioning strip malls"
Planning to meet with Bib'seca
Michael "Can I buy him some wine and a pair of goblets that match his eyes?"
Jim "Do you want a job or a date?"
Looking for transport to run down clues in Le Yer
Emily "Is there space Uber?"
Michael "Spuber"
Emily "That sounds awful"
Michael "Splyft?"
Emily "Rodians never shoot first"
Jim "Rodians have a racial penalty to initiative"
Emily "Really?"
Jim "No. They're just bad at reading human body language that you're about to shoot them"
Emily "So they just stand there like a deer in the headlights"
Jim "Of course; look at those big eyes they have"
Discussing the missing Devaronian woman, Brinalloy
Michael "Do you think Devaronian women are less…"
Lee "Horny?"
Jim "Roll initiative"
Lee "With FOUR dice!"
The crew is having trouble fighting with just pistols
Kevin "I'm never going anywhere without an automatic weapon"
Somehow we got on a long and dirty conversation about some alien species having two anuses. The only comments I'm going to include are:
Kevin "I'm going to shoot him in one of his buttholes"
Lee "Second exhaust port"
Jim "Its directly below the main port"
Discussing interrogating one of the Rodians and waterboarding him
Mike "You want to see the faucet again?"
Discussing the new Star Trek series, Kevin had a slip of the tongue and called it "Star Trek: Dynasty"
Talking about what is the resort town like
Michael "Is it Las Vegas or Atlantic City?"
Deciding what weapons to carry
Jim "You're not carrying grenades"
Emily "We're not occupying it"
Varek wants to keep his helmet with him, since the sensors give him better Perception checks
Kevin "Its a prescription helmet"
Emily "Perception is not my best skill…" rolls 3 on 3d6.
Trying to talk to the Twi'lek singer
Michael "If he comes out. I'll give him some money to… <trails off in thought>"
Jim "To do what, Mr Weinstein?"
Searching the downed Trandoshan bounty hunter
Michael "What's his name?"
Jim "He doesn't have a name tag <sewn> in the back of his shirt"
Kevin "Check his underwear"
Emily "Calvin Klein, the Trandoshan?"

Second Try
Talking about Zaonderh trying to hook up with Brinalloy
Lee "They can lock horns"
Discussing fighting the Empire
Mike "We just need to find the minefield" referring to a game of Artemis where we won because we sucked the enemy into chasing us through a minefield.
The short briefing
Mike "We're going to penetrate some stuff, drop some bombs, fuck shit up"
Emily "Do you have a date?"
MC "It's Saturday night"
Looking for a sniper rifle for Leelan
Lee "Get the bump stock"
Explaining this was all planned by the Empire to ambush the Rebels
Lee "It's a trap!"
Looking for a tattoo artist for Leelan's Mirialan tattoos, Emily couldn't remember which planet she found one in a previous adventure
MC "On Tattoo-ine?"
Jim glares at her pile of chips and MC squeals, grabs her chips and tries to run so he can't steal a chip back

Diplomatic Difficulties
Lee wants Hack to get promoted faster
Lee "What do I need to do to get more rank?"
Jim "Be heroic"
Lee "If by heroic, you mean reckless and stupid, I've got that covered"
C'athall is flirting with the Rebel diplomat
Mike "I'm flirting really hard"
Michael "I'm cockblocking really hard"
The NPC's name is Sola
Lee "Bang Bus 15, Sola Powered"
Question of what did they mine on the planet
Lee "Talcum"
Jim "Thorium"
Emily "Lots of hammers"
Discussing character accents
Emily "I wish Varek was a super effiminate tough guy"
Jim "Tim Gunn, the Mandalorian?"
Escaping in their rented speeder
Kevin "What options does it have?"
Jim "Bluetooth"
Kevin "Does smoke come out the back?"
Jim "If you set it on fire"
Discussing how close they were to their ship
Jim "This is the port town"
Lee "Pork town?"
Emily "Do they have pork trucks?"
Lee "I see a new stop on the Bang Bus"

Murder on the Bacrana Clipper
Trying to decide what to get on pizza
Emily "Don't Gottlieb the pizza"
C'athall is being groomed for more responsibility
Lee "You're going to need to sit through more training videos"
Jim "Mandatory management counselling session"
Players are spending points on skills and somehow rape came into the discussion
Emily changes the music "This is your gun-fu and rape training montage"
Lee "Its persuasion with force"
Jim "Aggressive persuasion"
Kevin "I'll take 'the rapists' for 200 Alex"
Lee "Its therapists…"
Jim "Your next mission…"
Lee "Should you accept it"
Emily "I didn't want to say it"
Discussing possible cosmetic changes to the characters to go with their fake IDs
Lee "Kevin<'s character> walks around without his helmet and we're like 'Who is that?' "
Do the characters have extra civilian clothes?
Kevin "If by clothes, you mean different sets of armor"
Fake ID names
Kevin "Bob Rebel. Bob T. Rebel"
Everyone has been extra silly for a bit
Lee "We should pay Jim for this"
Discussing where we are in the Star Wars timeline and what news the Empire is releasing versus what it spins for propaganda
Emily "Everyone tells you where they were when they heard Alderaan was destroyed"
C'athall puts down the jealous husband and humiliates him, Lee tosses a blue chip to Mike
Mike "I'll kiss him after, just to be a dick. Its the hockey player in me"
Lee "That's why you got my chip"
Discusses the stores in the ship's promenade, but they're all vape shops
Emily "Is there a vape shop planet?"
The belligerent husband of the trophy wife is a former grav-ball player
Lee "Gravball player and his wife sound like an adventure hook"
Mike "Are there railroad tracks in space?"
Discussing how far down in fame the ex-athlete is
Jim "He's not on Dancing for the Emperor"
Lee <creepy emperor voice> "Dance, my young apprentice"
Kevin "You don't want to do badly there and get the Force Lightning"
Lee <creepy emperor voice> "I'm afraid the dance will be over before your friends arrive"
Leelan is drinking with the ship's engineers
Lee "Some people call this coolant, but we call it Friday night"
The ex-athlete is dead
Lee "My autograph is going to worth so much money now!"

Couriers
Discussing the fake company name the Bacrana cell is using
Lee "Re Bell Industries"
Bacrana is primarily human, the non-human minority is a very statistically small percentage
Kevin "Its like Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, they dissolve them. 'Put them in the barrel!' "
Discussing what to do with the non-human PCs during the jail break"
Lee "They can be fake prisoners"
Kevin "We can pull the Chewbacca Maneuver, these are planetary <security> guys, they won't know the Chewbacca Gambit"

Right Place
After spending points to bring up skills and stats, C'athall now has 4D in Perception
Mike "Now I know how Lee feels"
The team is getting clothing to go undercover as smugglers, etc. Mike wants C'athall to have miniature canaries in cages hanging from his pierced nipples
Emily "Nothing says "pirate" like live birds hanging from your nipples"
Jim "And a bandana"
Emily "Like Axl Rose"
Mike "So you can cover the bald spot"
Emily was running the random daily mix on Spotify and we got some odd songs as background music. At one point a particularly late 70's sounding song came on
Mike "Disco receiving new guns theme"
One of C'athall's nipple piercing caged birds had Tourette's
Emily, squeaky voice "Fuck, fuckin', fuck, fuck you"
Jim "I think its the little edge of Jewish accent you add that makes it perfect"
Emily "I just think of my mom"

Grand Theft Starship
Varek has the start of a panic attack in the cramped lifeboat
Kevin "Can someone command me not to freak out?"
Emily rolls to calm Varek down and was considering usung Leelan's Religiosity bonus
Jim "Leelan bores you into calm"
Moving towards the corvette's bridge
Jim "Make a Perception check"
Kevin <rolls> "Oh, fuck…"
Emily and Kevin's cat Stormaggedon is always jumping on the cabinet to walk on the laptop we use for music, but we didn't have it this week, so he walked around confused and jumped down. A little while later, the volume suddenly went up.
Jim "He headbutted the volume knob on the stereo, he figured out how to mess with the music"
Kevin "I'm a DJ!"
Discussing that Zaonderh is the bullet sponge and kidnap magnet
Emily "Its like bringing your child along so the pedophiles don't bother you"
The bridge has two techs and two more security droids
Lee "There are more things on this bridge than are dreamt of in your philosophy"
A security droid shoots Hack
Lee <russian accent> "Fuck you droid, I shoot you back"
Jim "Thank you Boris"
Discussing MC's character Aurin, and what about her gives the Memorable complication
Mike "Giant Boobs"
Lee "Captain Hotboobs?"
Everyone is making Sensor rolls and most people do poorly
Jim "The computer says 'You seem to be trying to search for ships, can I help?' "
Heading away from the patrol ships, plotting the jump to hyperspace
Jim "You've got two
Mike "Tickets to Paradise?"
Jim "I was going to say rounds of combat"
Again discussing Aurin's big boobs
Emily "She has fan service boobs?"

Head Games
Pay day for the characters
Lee "I have 667 credits, can I get paid 124 credits instead?"
Emily "You can give me a credit"
Lee "There we go, 666 credits"
Emily "You are so metal"
Droid minis were used for the cantina band and everyone kept talking about the band as if they were droids
Lee "Their timing is tight as shit, but their music has no soul"
Emily made a comment about how alliterative the situation was
Emily "Big barren booth beside the Bimm beholding the bad blues Bith band"
Joking about ordering drinks
Kevin "I got this drink in a bar on Coruscant, it was green. Can you make it?"
Somehow we got off on a side topic about Mirialan porn and Hack maintains the secret porn server on the Rebel base
Lee "I'm always looking for new porn"
Jim "As part of your job as morale officer"
The Bimm Ginder is asking for 1,000 credits for the droid head
Lee "A thousand credits for head seems a little high"
Kevin rolls very poorly shooting his missile launcher even though he bought two extra dice to roll
Kevin "Its not my fault!"
Lee "I'm glad you spent those extra chips to get those extra ones"
Who's driving the get away speeder?
Emily "I am. I'm a good driver"
Mass laughter
Jim "Okay Rain Man"
They download L8O's data, and decide Redo will run through it faster
Jim "Droid on droid action"
Lee "Bang Bus 18: Droid on Droid"
Talking about the last episode of The Expanse before the game
Emily "Space is complicated"
C'athall was on a field training exercise and everyone was making comments about how it must have been nicer than the barren rock the base is on
Emily "Vacation CE?"
Mike " 'Training Exercise'. I come back super tanned"
Deciding who is flying the ship for the landing on the junk planet
Emily, to Kevin "You're piloting, I'm too excited about junk"
Looking at what droids the junk dealer has
Jim "Not so much a show room…"
Kevin "A show heap?"
Jim "Yes, like a mass grave. Bodies piled on top of each other"
Leelan pukes in his helmet
Mike "When did we have corn?"
Emily figured out some clues without having her character make skill checks
Emily "I use Perception without having to roll badly"
The mynocks have chewed holes in walls and electronics
Emily "These are not good pets"
Jim "No, you will not get your security deposit back"
The space slug bites Varek and chews on him
Kevin "Am I still in the mouth?"
Mike "That's what she said"
Emily "No, you're in the esophagus"
Mike "I'm currently in the sphincter. Repeat, I am in the sphincter"

Bug Out
Leelan maneuvers to give Aurin a better shot
Lee "Maneuvers…"
Emily "Its more of a gesture"
Leelan boards the Y-wing and checks it out
Kevin "Damn, its a stick <shift>"
Discussing if the Shriek-Hawk has artficial gravity
Kevin "This is Star Wars; a cardboard box in space would have artificial gravity"
Leelan shoots and destroys a TIE
MC "You brought your boomstick"
At one point we had a side conversation about a show MC watched about bizarre sex practices and she mentioned one woman's 160+ dildo collection that she had lined up on shelves on display
Lee "That's awkward at Christmas"
Landing on the planet with the new Rebel base
Kevin "Is there air?"
Emily "Its the vape shop planet"
The planet's atmosphere is mostly breathable, but the average temperature and humidity is high
Lee "We can go for a hot, sticky picnic"
Mike "Bang Bus 20: Hot Sticky Picnic"
However, in the growing season, the atmosphere is tainted with a lethal fungal spore. Varek's mandalorian armor has breathing filters
Emily "The rest of us have to look like Bane"
The fungal infection can be treated
Emily "We just need some anti-cancer meds*"
Mike "Are there <toxic> slugs*?"
Jim "You can go dig in the dirt if you want"
*- Referring to the book Cibolla Burn from The Expanse series.
Do people infected by the spores turn into zombies?
MC "Those people need to be set on fire immediately"

Convoy
Kevin and Emily had a Star Wars branded fruit punch
Lee "Space Punch?"
Jim "Spunch"
Emily was talking about doing clinical reports and how she always misspells any thing with "-itis" as '-tits"
Emily "You can imagine how horrible that seems sometimes"
Lee "Necrotizing fasciitits"
The sector's command staff was in the last ship of the rear guard to report in
Lee "Bang Bus 21: Rear Admirals"
Discussing team order for the boarding assault, C'athal and Varek are in the lead, Hack is towards the rear
Lee "These guys are professional murderers, I'm more of a recreational murderer"
Aurin is hit by a grenade and her arm is blown off.
Jim "Aurin will get an award, Bleeding Bantha instead of a Purple Heart"
MC "Sounds like a bar name"
Lee "A real dive"
Emily "Like The Pink"
Later the team finds drums of bacta
Mike "Marinade MC in it"

Mimics
Discussing an outdoor LARP game of Lord of the Rings Emily played in college
Emily "…And I couldn't find Mt. Doom"
Lee "Its in Mordor"
Emily "But I was in Wisconsin"
Still looking for other Mirialans
Lee "Mirialan Tinder"
Jim "Space Tinder, Spinder"
Lee "But there's only three accounts"
Discussing issues at the new base planet
Emily "Space spores suck because its still spores"
Redo is reprogrammed to be a pilot
Lee "To make you feel better, I'm going to paint a big red eye <on Redo> and name it HAL9000"
Finding the dead Mon Calamari
Mike “Did the Mon Cal leave a message in blood? 'I'm in Hell, come find me' "
Examining the dead Mon Cal
Emily "I put cocktail sauce on the Mon Cal before I lick it"
Mike "Does it have a tentacle vagina?"
MC "Suction cup nipples?"
Emily "Space farts are the worst"
Mike "In space, no one can hear you fart"
Walking through the woods
Mike "If you hear banjos, run like Hell"
Discussing what kind of single biome planet this is
Kevin "Its the Australian planet, everything is trying to kill you"

Revolution
The mining colony is on the planet Cirra
MC "Cirra? Like Sierra? Sounds like a stripper name"
Mike "Cirra, the stripper planet"
The players are still complaining about needing filter masks or respirators to go outside on the new base planet
Lee "Bang Bus 22: Two Girls, One Respirator"
Planning the start of the workers' revolt
Kevin "I thought we were going to be pamphleting"
Jim "Its not a leaflet campaign"
Making bad astrogation rolls
Mike "We got lost at the last star"
Jim "Should have turned left at Aldebaran"
Last minute ideas for running the patrols
Lee "Let's strip the shielding from our reactor core and strap some bodies to our ship and they'll think we're reavers"
Arming the freed slave workers
Emily "Can I pass out guns to the slaves and say 'I'm Leelan, do you want some guns?' "
Jim "History repeats itself"
Emily "With a character with a strangely similar name"
Leelan is sniping at a security droid
Lee "Shoot him in the head"
Emily "Can't I shoot him in the actuator so he can't move?"
Lee "Shoot him in the head actuator"
Freeing the workers
Lee "Any 18 year old slave girls who need help, I'm all over that." (Thinks about how that sounded) "Not in a rapey way"
Searching the compound
Lee "Oh, Jim, I did try to rape the computer system"
Emily rolls poorly for Leelan's Perception
Jim "Leelan's looking for the motor pool"
Emily "He found a pool…"
The team hits a troop transport and the soldiers inside bail out
Lee "They're now the Foot Clan"
The local rebels carry supples from the prison camp and the rescued workers back to the caves they hide out in
Emily "This is so Afghani…"
After the ship accident, there's a discussion of cannibalism, but Jim points out some species may not be edible by other races
Jim "Mirialans are radioactive, extra zesty"
Lee "Hot wings"
Emily "The radioactivity tingles on your tongue"

Jim's AD&D Blood Dawn
It Began in a Tavern...
Jim suggests MC be party leader
MC, to boyfriend Mike "That means, wench, you must get me more Cheetos!"
The adventure hook is cast before the players
JoAnne "Amazingly, we didn't see the sign for the railroad"
MC's character was tired and failed a Constitution check to remain alert
MC "I am not constitutionafied enough to make decisions"
JoAnne fails a Strength check climbing down the wall
Jim "You fall and take a point of damage… to your pride"
Chmiel's mage throws a flask of oil at the enemy wizard and gets a direct hit
Jim "The mage is fully involved"
Matt "He's like a Buddhist monk"
The wizard burns to death
Matt "50 Shades of Well Done, 50 Shades of Pink Inside"
Matt's bard sings his battle song…
Matt (Beauty and the Beast song voice) "Nobody sings like Dastan!"
…but is paralyzed after only one round of providing a bonus to the party
MC "You know what battle song stands for? B.S."

Orc Ruins
Kimi's druid Wylie has a pet owl
Kimi "I use the shit from my owl to slick my hair back"
The party can smell the orcs' cook fire
Chmiel "What are they cooking?"
Mike "Meth"
Trying to learn something about the ruin's history
Mike "Can you do something with your bardiness?"
Matt "Do you want to know about drinking or whoring?"
Matt spills coffee on his character sheet
Matt "NOW its a character sheet"
Matt's bard goes down
Natasha (singing) "Nobody dies like Dastan!"
Chmiel (singing) "Nobody fries like Dastan!"

Urban Predators
Discussing vampire mythology
MC "Can I roll my Sam and Dean Supernatural knowledge?"
Chmiel "Its trickle down economics; as the blood trickles down…"
Mike "When there's something strange in the neighborhood"
Matt "We can stage a stake out…"
Matt "NPC stands for No Party Cares"
Matt casts Vicious Mockery on a werewolf
Matt "Your mother was a poodle and you smell of kibble!"
Matt "We must be on a subway; we're getting railroaded underground"
Clare grapples with the werewolf
Jim "Grab it by the scruff of the neck"
MC "I think that's why Latin is a dead language"
Jim "Because of werewolves?"
The werewolf botches his saving throw versus the bard's Suggestion
MC <drag queen voice> "Oh my God, you're gorgeous. I could just chew you into little bits"

The Lorothim Letter
The first hour or so was nothing but dick jokes and a lot of gnome puns. Not writing that down
Matt and Chmiel led the pack on dirty jokes
Chmiel "Why do we go to the same dark, dirty places?"
Jim "Because you're both dark, dirty people"
Matt's bard keeps missing
Jim "The pointy end goes in the other guy"
Lots of bad rolls, one good dick joke
Natasha "I feel like we're just waving our dicks around, no one knows where to stick it"
The party captures the bandits' horses
Matt "Meat's back on the menu boys"
Roskva is doing her fortune telling schtick
Chmiel "You will meet someone tonight, he will be… (rolls friend/foe die) a foe. He will come from… (rolls direction die) the East"
Jim rolls a weather die "It will be partly cloudy"
Matt does a nice fake fortune
Matt "I'm not just telling fortunes, I'm weaving fates"
Trying to follow the bad guys' tracks, but no one has tracking skill
MC "I have Intimidation; I'll intimidate the trail into telling us"
Matt's texts are legendary. Not in a good way…
Mike "It's like reading the DaVinci Code"
The paper mini design for one of the bad guys was a bald human fighter with a huge red mustache. He was referred to as "Mustachio" and "Gingerstache"

Rescue from the Drow
Talking about meeting celebrities and paying for autographs at a recent convention, including the midget from Pirates of the Caribbean
Mike "He should have been half off…"
The survivors are negotiating with the "new" characters
Jim "I feel like this is like playing Munchkin; 'I will help you rescue your friends for two treasures' "
Discussing the new characters
Mike "We picked the handicapped table"
Chmiel "They did come in on the short carriage"
The reinforced party heads to the drow cave
Jim "What's your plan?"
Chmiel "We get a giant wooden badger…"
Jim "Thank you Kevin" Kevin is usually the first one to make the wooden rabbit/badger joke from Monty Python during a planning session
Matt casts Strength of Stone
Chmiel "You didn't have the stones before"
Matt casts Rockburst
Matt "Rocks fall, driders die bitches"

The Road South
Matt is talking about his dwarf
Matt "I lift up my shirt and its all hair"
Jim "Your beard grows into it"
Kimi "Just like real life"
Still talking about his dwarf
Matt "Its okay; I've got a giant shield"
Mike "Well, its a normal shield but its giant to him"
MC "So he's compensating"
Attacking the ogre camp at night
Mike "I don't want to die in the night"
Jim "You want to die in the morning?"
Mike "Bad things happen in the night"
MC "I've grown up to be the eco-terrorist I've always wanted to be"
At the beginning of the second session, reviewing the plot and that they are on the way to the city of Ifoss
Ryan "Ifoss my teeth"
Chmiel "Ifoss-ter small animals"
The townsfolk claim a witch led the ogres
Matt "She turned me into a newt"
Chmiel "I'm the only witch here and I'm a good one"
The party trails the witch to a deserted farm house
MC "Can I lick the walls?" Everyone was confused "To see if they're candy and figure out what kind of witch we're dealing with"
Evard's Black Tentacles spell erupts in the middle of the party and they are grabbed by the spell tentacles
Matt "I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going…"
MC rolls a Perception check and rolls a 19 when she wanted to roll low
MC "I rolled with the wrong hand; I went lefty instead of righty"
GM's note: With my players penchant for offcolor references and dick jokes, I knew what was coming as soon as I said "Lamia". But that monster fit my requirements perfectly. So…
Mike "She's a labia"
Chmiel "You ran your sword through the labia"
Mike "We gangbanged the labia in the corner"
Kimi and MC's characters did the most damage
MC "Takes a pussy to kill a pussy"

On the Hunt
Kimi finishes one of the monsters
Kimi "I killed one!"
MC "I think I killed three…"
Kimi "Did you just humble brag?"
Kimi "Suck my big barbarian labia"

Ifoss Intrigues
Chmiel "We should get lunch in Elftown"
Chmiel's mage is playing fast and loose with Charm Person spell and leaning towards evil
Jim "I'm going upstairs to get the first campaign folder and have Joram the cleric spank your mage"
Going out at night to visit the whorehouses for information
Matt "I wear my purple cloak"
Jim "Is that your pimpin' cloak?"
Chmiel's mage hires a prostitute for the evening and heads back to the party's inn the next morning
Mike "You better clean yourself first; all the alley cats are following you like a can of tuna"
Discussing a Ring of Protection
MC "That's a chastity belt"
Looking for an inn
Chmiel "Gspot would be a great name for a cafe"
Ryan "But no one would be able to find it"
MC "No man would be able to find it"
Chmiel "We go looking for the Artists' Quarter- Hipster Town"
Undead attack the party
MC "There's no hobbits here, we don't have a ring"
Discussing various ways to check for traps
Matt "Cure Moderate Wounds works as a trap finder in hindsight"
Discussing weight versus bulk of characters crossing a rope bridge
Matt "I'm very dense" <general snickering>
MC rolls poorly
MC "Fuck balls!"
Kimi's barbarian is interrogating the prisoner
Kimi "I want to bite his ear off"
Matt and Jim "Okay Mike Tyson"
Kimi "Who?"
Discussing vampires' weaknesses
MC "Steaks, particularly porterhouse"
A masked and hooded dark figure backstabs Roskva
Jim "He looks thiefy"
MC "Covfefe?"

Down to the Sea
Ryan's character has an Ebony Fly Figurine of Wondrous Power
Jim "It grows to the size of a pony"
Kimi "That should be a horse-fly"
Someone asked what the fly's name was
Ryan "Frank"
Discussing the voyage across the ocean
Ryan"How long will the trip be?"
Matt "A three hour tour"
Discussing Kimi's barbarian, Matt was confused about the differences between 1st and 5th edition versions
Matt "Don't you have rage?"
Kimi "Every day of my life…"

Consult the Oracle
By chance, three of the party concentrate their attacks on one harpy
Matt "Fuck that one in particular"
Ragnar is ill after being stabbed by the harpies' javelins
Matt "I got the dwarven flu"
Ryan "How much did you drink last night?"
Which lead to a discussion of what Matt had in his bar
Kimi "SoCo, breakfast of champions"

Minotaur's Maze
Discussing where and what kind of barbarian tribes live in the north
Kimi "I'm 6% scandinavian, so I'm practically a viking"
Talking about minotaurs
Matt "Needs more cowbell"
Jim "You are at -1 chips"
Since minotaurs are solo hunters and generally live alone…
Kimi "How do minotaurs mate?"
Jim "When a male minotaur loves a female minotaur very much…"
The dwarf is a little behind on his hygiene
Jim "JoAnne's elf hands you a bar of soap"
Matt "I look at it, then take a bite"
When the party was in the inn, my background soundtrack was playing festival music. Later, some similar music came on
Kimi "We picked up a CD from the bard at the inn"

Artemis
Jim greeting Chmiel at the door "Welcome, Space Cadet!"
Chmiel immediately goofed something up "Wow, I really am a space cadet. I took the short spaceship here"
Kevin is having trouble getting the ship to move as Helmsman
Chmiel "Is the parking brake on?"
Reading the enemy ship profile
Emily "The captain is bombastic and unmarried, according to space Tinder"