Silly Quotes and Smart Remarks

Warning: these pages contain adult subjects and profanity and are intended for mature readers. No actual maturity was involved.

We've always had a lot of quotable comments flying around, I didn't always have a chance to write them down. I try to do a better job these days and here's a combined page of them. And I have some Quotes of Antiquity from long before Meetup and Inside Jokes that came up in games. There's also Other Funny Stuff, a page of related jokes.

Old Quotes from previous games

Current Quotes

I just had to throw out a week of campaign notes, I usually write my stuff longhand on a clipboard
Jim "Back to the drawing board"
JoAnne "Or the clipboard, as it were"

Jim "I'm doing magical math" (Working on material costs for a magic item)
JoAnne "So you're doing Arithmancy?"

Driving to the Renaissance Festival, passing a Yukon Denali SUV
Jack "If you need a car to put your other car in"

Discussing that the party has a tendency to forget to check doors for traps, magical or otherwise
Jack "The three greatest threats in D&D: mind flayers, dragons, and doors"

Discussing that 5E is often lacking in details, and you have to go back to 1st edition. For example, how tall is an ogre?
Jim, looking at the 1st ed. Monster Manual, in Inigo Montoya voice "Vizzini said go back to the beginning. This is where I learned to roleplay, so this is the beginning"

Jim's D&D 5E Depths of Evil
Character Session
There were a bunch of good jokes, but sadly I wasn't taking notes. There was a run of crowbar jokes because Evan's character had a crowbar in his starting gear.
Brittany "If you cast Light on it, it would be a glow-bar"
Evan "If I dual-wield, it will be a bro-bar"
Jim "If I take them away from you, you have a no-bar"

The Foe Surfaces
Discussing Dolomoth's Fey patron is in the Winter Court and his spells will have an ice motif
Brittany "You're Frozone!"
Evan "Where is my super suit?!"
JoAnne, from the living room "Why do you want to know?"
Discussing that Jim has been bouncing ideas off of JoAnne and she wants to watch when some of the big campaign moments are revealed
Katya "So she's the harbinger of doom?"
Jack "It's like hearing the Jaws music before you see the shark"
Jack "She's the Watcher"
The characters are in chains and the casters are wearing masks to gag them
Jack "You gagged the casters…"
Brittany "BDSM Pirates. I feel a Con save should be a consent save"
Fighting the harpies
Evan "I use Mage Hand to pet the harpy"
Jim "She sues you for inappropriate touching"
Discussing eating the harpies
Nick "I have Purify Food and Drink"
Jim points out it's more of an evil issue, eating a sentient creature is more like cannibalism
Nick "I'm a cleric; I can purify our sins"

Tea Time
Talking about foraging for food or material components
Nick "He found some mushrooms and now he can talk to trees"
Jim "Or he thinks he can; 'Dude, you should hear what the tree told me!' "
Jim "When last we left…" and is interrupted by a loud THUMP! over the Discord chat
Jack "My phone made a run for the floor"
Talking about pronouncing the city of "Hlammach"
Jim "From the back of the throat"
Jack "You're not putting enough phlegm into it"
Sam "I was going to say that"
Nick "That's how the orcs pronounce it"
Jack "It's pronounced 'Miami' "
Discussing non-lethal weapons for the cleric
Jack "Arrows can be non-lethal; I've heard of people taking arrows to the knee"
Sam "<groans>"
Talking about using Prestidigitation cantrip to change the flavor of food
Katya "Every place is a fantastic place when you have Prestidigitation"
Talking about various weird things
Nick "Just D&D things"
Jack is questioning the merchant's apprentice and saying how he can take him in a fight
Sam "Not the way you're rolling"
Jim "BURN!"
Nick, Jack, and Katya give Sam chips
Jack "JoAnne, Jim is bullying me again"
JoAnne "And this is different how?"
No matter who is playing a cleric, they always seem to have bad initiative rolls. We call it "cleric speed".
Nick "Welcome to cleric town where you roll a d20, but it might as well be a d10"
Katya "Or a d6"

Demon Village
Discussing Dolomoth has the most gold at the moment and they keep forgetting to search the bodies of fallen enemies
Jack "I'd like to search Evan's body"
Evan "Whoa, whoa"
Jack wants Furath to do some trinket crafting while they travel, to make extra money
Evan "Like Bitcoin"
Trying to take out the first guard
Jim "That was your plan; get him"
And trying to get inside
Brittany "We're Girl Scouts; want some cookies?"
Evan "It doesn't matter if it's a bad plan, as long as it's going to plan"
Jack "We were planning on losing, so this is good"
Nick "I can't see Jack's character"
Sam "He's a dwarf"
The players spot the fireplace on the map
Brittany "We could have come in the chimney"
Jack "Not this time, Santa"
Furath throws the demon priest down the stairwell into the crumpled staircase
Brittany "The splinters must be astounding"
Furath wants to destroy the magic summoning circle in the basement with Firebolt spells
Jim "It's written in blood"
Brittany "So you just need a mop and bucket"

Hlammach Questions
Jack rolls poorly, but still succeeds
Jack "Even when I fail, I win"
Jack got a chip from someone for making up the name of Furath's father's merchant guild, "Waves of Thyme", but he didn't remember he had.
Jack "Why are you giving me a chip for being an idiot?"
Jim's fancy dragon scale metal dice are persistent low rollers
Jim "You have failed me for the last time…no, you will probably continue to fail me"

Lyrabar Larceny
Discussing Dolomoth's Fey patrons's orders
Brittany "Feytron?"
Comparing characters' cash and the various coins
Jack "How much electrum does she have?"
Jim, jokingly "Shut the fuck up"
Jim "The crew will be ashore for celebrations"
Brittany "For shore"
Planning to attack the merchant ship
Jack "I am going to Jack Sparrow the crap out of this"
Discussing getting the small treasure chest open, after being hit with multiple spell traps
Katya "Can we hit it with a crowbar?"

Fey Forest
The party is traveling
Jim "On the evening of the third day…"
Brittany "Fantasy Jesus rose from the dead"
Furath has Sleep memorized, which is worthless against fey
Jim "You have to fight your battles with the spells you have, not the spells you want"
Fighting the fey
Jack "There better not be any small children here"
Discussing Prim's ease at assassinating the guards
Jim "That's what your character was made to do; kill people"
Nick "With style"
Discussing that Akari and Prim are looking for their missing mothers, but it's not Prim's first concern because she thinks her mother is already dead
Sam "My mom is a sidequest"

Coastal Cities
Comparing Mage Hand to Unseen Servant and that Mage Hand has very limited lifting capability
Evan "Mage Hand hasn't been to the gym"
Jack couldn't remember which campaign we were playing and which character he was using
Evan "You're a wizard, Jack"
Talking about local rules in the pirate freeport of Tsurlagol
Jim "It's more of a guideline"
Jack "It's the Hippocratic Suggestion"
Discussing how much gold the PCs have
Evan "I got into Bitcoin early"
Jack "By that he means bits of coins"
Furath is trying to talk to some dwarves and takes them drinks
Jim "Booze gives you an advantage"
A round of beers is five silver
Jack "I almost wrote down an electrum piece"
Jim "Bite me"
Brittany is looking at her character sheet
Brittany "I'm looking for… the answer to all my problems"
Jim "We all are"
Sam's character is low on cash and Nick offers to have Joan loan Prim some gold
Sam "I don't want to take advantage of a nun"
Discussing the guy they need to rob
Brittany "He's not one anyone would miss"
Sam "Let's try not to kill anyone"
Jim "The assassin <player> says 'Let's try not to kill anyone' "
Brittany has been rolling poorly with her d20
Jim "Maybe it's a left handed die"
Brittany rolls left handed, gets a natural 20 and flops her face down on the table

Sahuagin Attack
The party has bought passage to cross to Yhaunn
Katya "Is it a quiet trip?"
Jim "No…"
Jack "Is it after a three hour tour?"
Talking about multi-classing and maybe Akari would take a level of "pirate"
Katya "'How did you become a pirate?' 'Well, you see…'"
Evan <snorts> "Sea…"
Katya "We're spending a lot of time on boats"
Jim "And that's not going to stop…"
Dolomoth drops one sahuagin with a direct attack and collateral damage from Green Flame Blade drops another
Jack "You frickin' battered that fish"
Discussing that the party may have to face off against the squid cult again
Jack "When you melee the squid, you're whackin' the kraken"
Jim "Is that what they're calling it these days?"

Conspiracy Revealed
Discussing the pronunciation of "Yhaunn"
Jim "It's "uh-HAWN" but I'm just going to say "yawn" "
Brittany and Evan fake yawns
Talking about planning to question the bad guy, how far are Sam (and Prim) willing to go?
Nick "Nothing jogs the memory like a good dose of murder"
Possibly sending a message to lure out the bad guy
Jim "You have two bards; is it a singing telegram?"
Talking to the local informant, he says "Let's see the color of your coin"
Brittany "It's an NFT"
Jim "It's a picture of a gold piece"
They knocked out the bad guy's guards, robbed them and tied them up, then dumped their pocket flask of whiskey over them
Nick "Covered in shame and booze"
The bad guy is explaining the cell structure of their conspiracy. He was recruited by someone in another city, then recruited three allies here in Yhaunn
Brittany "This is just a pyramid scheme"

Sister Talk/Wizard's Message
We were discussing feeding cats and having to say "That's all you get" to cats on a diet
Jim put out bowls of chips, salsa and mexican chili-cheese dip
Jack "That's all you get"
The party is staying at the Six Candles Inn
Evan "We were going to celebrate Hanukhah, but we're short"
Browsing the potion shop, they had Protection from Acid
Katya "Also known as Tums"
Katya's bard Akari has fabulous persuasion skills
Katya "I just want to put on a fake moustache and use my Persuasion to convince people I'm a man"
Jim "So people will be like 'You look like a sexy woman, but you're really a man?' "
Jack "My moustache is up here"
The party is under attack by a hag
Brittany "Danger Will Robinson! Fuck!"
Akari uses Vicious Mockery
Evan "Are you from Tennessee? You look inbred"
Aria hits the hag with Toll the Dead
Jack "Ring her bell"
Discussing hags can change their appearance
Katya "And she chose that?
Discussing the secrets Levina revealed to Aria, which are based on the backstory Brittany wrote
Brittany "I'm rereading what I wrote and… oh, fuck"
Jim "You're really fucked"
Talking about upcoming revelations
Katya (about Akari's family) "We are the assassins' guild"
Jim "That would be a good plot twist; your parents were the heads of the guild, but they wanted to retire quietly but the guild wouldn't let them"
The party knows Furath and Joan's father slept with a dwarf and an elf, who else might he have slept with?
Jim "I really wanted to give Joan and Furath a half-orc sibling. I wonder if they could have any human siblings?"
Katya "That's too mainstream"
Discussing Torin sent the hag after Levina
Jack "The hag is like a tactical airstrike; 'We've got the greenlight, drop the hag'. If she turned into a rug, it's the definition of carpet bombing"
Jim <groans> "Give me a chip"
Jack "Worth it"
Taking about choosing or bidding for warlock patrons
Brittany "I'd like the patron of forgetfulness, or dwarven fire whiskey"

Lost Assets
The adventurers start in an inn; Joan, Akari and Prim are sitting together
Katya "A cleric, assassin, and bard walk into a bar"
Akari is half-lying to convince an NPC
Katya "Tied in reality, those are the best lies"
Fighting ghouls, can they hear Dissonant Whispers?
Katya "I dis them"
Sam "Your rags are so last year"
Katya "Last century"
Chaya cuts an arm off a ghoul
Sam "It's just a flesh wound"

Gone Daddy Gone/Feyke Out
Discussing selling the food made by Create Food and Water, but it spoils after 24 hours
Evan "Made fresh daily"
Dolomoth summons a raven familiar, but asks if it can be a crow. What's his name? Bar. He's the crow Bar…
Rostok's captain was Riffin Stomes, someone said it sounded like something out of a 60's song.
The pirate captain who kidnapped Joan and Furath's dad is named bin Samak
Nick "Sounds like a salad dressing"
His ship is the Badala
Jim "Also sounds like salad dressing"
Discussing about how much Joan and Furath's dad got around and how many kids did he have?
Nick "He rivals Genghis Khan"
Jack "Khan!"
Evan "Genghis Khan says 1/3rd of people are descended from me. Your dad's like 'The other 2/3rds are mine' "
The crime boss has two lieutenants, Jim forgot to give them names. Based on the cardboard minis, they became "Baldie" and "One-Eye".
Furath summons a squirrel familiar and names it "Nuts"
Evan "His last name is Bolt; they're Nuts and Bolt…"

Hunting Ezra/Fey Rescue
We had seven bags of chips, three jars of dip, a package of cookies, and a box of donut holes
Brittany "Happy Snacksgiving"
Discussing names for weapons
Jack "I'm going to name my dagger Oxford Comma"
Jim "Then no one will use it"
Discussing the last adventure Brittany missed and the slaughter at the dinner hall
Nick "Circle of Murder"
Brittany "Sounds like a Spanish soap opera, but less Spanish and more murder"
Strakaal's warlock patron was a lich
Jack "You ever get a lich you just can't scratch?"
Dolomoth's patron contacts him and is angry and upset
Evan "Take a chill pill"
Jim "You told the winter fey to take a chill pill?"
Nick "Don't you hate it when your boss calls you in on the weekend?"
Sam read an online article about a woman who claims to have married a ghost. He couldn't propose on one knee because he didn't have legs.
The fey patron tells Dolomoth what he wants
Evan "Does he want me to marry him and does he have knees?"
Jack "Your patron turns and slaps you across the face"
The patron downloads knowledge to Dolomoth and it's a terrible brainfreeze
Jim "No lube"
Katya winces.
Going to the Feywild
Evan "Just remember to grapple some kids"
Jack "There'll be no kid grappling"
They need to rescue a fey woman
Brittany "Fewoman"
Seeing the size of the trees the summer fortress is built into
Jack "We're going to need a bigger axe…"
Summing up where we were and describing the summer court tree fortress
Brittany "Forestress"
We played at Jack's new house, he needs lots of blinds for all his windows
Jack "A blinding amount"
The party approaches the fortress gate and a guard calls down to them
Jim "Do you seek admittance?"
Jack "We admit nothing"
Some of the fortress staff are other races, like satyrs
Sam "Do any of them look familiar?"
Jack "There'll be no child grappling"
Jim puts a miniature of a troll spellcaster on the map
Evan, joking "Is that a troll-lock?"
Jim "Yep"
Discussing the usefulness of Leomund's Tiny Hut spell
Jack "Just drop a house on the witch"
Telling Katya about Valoris' icy rampage through the summer court fortress, with her victims blown apart and frozen to the walls in their own blood
Jack "Summer to winter in 30 seconds"
Brittany "Just like Buffalo"
Katya "That's an aesthetic in itself"
Nick "The aesthetic is terrifying"
Discussing using the familiars to scout
Sam and Brittany <Singing> "What a wonderful squirrel"
Talking about using the Belt of the Bear to change form in mid-air and crush someone
Jack "Bear-strike"
Looking at skills
Nick "What does Insight do?"
Sam "It's a vibe check"
Discussing the ugliness of the leucrottas, which look like a mix of different animals
Katya "Lots of inbreeding"
Brittany uses Toll the Dead and gets to roll 2d12
Nick "2d12 of murder"
The leucrottas are demon beasts
Jack "It's all fun and games until the abomination of God comes for you"
Jack "I can't wait until I get 9th level spells for Meteor
Evan "You should use it against dinosaurs"
Talking about various undead things, how do skeletons hear without ears, for example
Jim "How do undead dragons fly; they don't have flesh!"
Brittany "Neither do airplanes!"
Prim now has +11 Stealth, so she could sneak up on Akari with her 24 Passive Perception if Sam rolls well
Jack "What happens when an unnoticeable object meets an inescapable sight line?"
The party needs light in the tomb
Jack "I have Dancing Lights"
Nick "It's like a rave"
Everyone starts making rave music noises
Jack "We've got our glow sticks; let's go"
The party encounters mummies
Jack "I don't want my mummy, I was looking for my dad"
They find treasure, shiny golden globes with an arcane rune
Brittany "It's the Holy Hand Grenade!"
Talking to Strakaal and Ezra, Akari is pretending to be Levina
Brittany "Just another day in Faerun"
Talking about Aria's family history, abandoned by family, Levina first thought dead, then alive, then dead for real, Ezra is a necromancer controlled by some kind of undead, now Aria has to stop him
Nick to Jack "And we thought our family had problems"

Jim's D&D 5E Beginners' Game
Bandits at Brewersbridge
The party is a cleric, paladin, sorcerer, and a monk
Brittany "We have three spellcasters and all I can do is hit people with a stick"
Questioning the rescued prisoners about the bandits
Katya "Did they get any sense of the group dynamics of the bandits?"
Jack "You're a psychology major, aren't you?"
Discussing using psychology against the bandits
Jim "Now go away, or I will analyze you a second time"

Ghost Tower
Before the game, discussing Sam's character on Facebook
Sam "My name will be Capote Voila, AKA Pancho's cousin on the elf side"
Jim "You get a chip. And a facepalm"
Sam "YAY. I gotta give Nick most of the credit, though, haha"
Jim "He gets the facepalm, you keep the chip"
Mike's halfling can play the lute
Mike "My stage name is Lutecris"
(There was more in that vein, but one was bad enough)
Sam "I want to do something fun, I talk shit to the ghosts. Dissonant Whispers"

Liartians in Rye
The first round of combat, Jim rolled a natural 20 for Druka, then Evan got one for Chatterfang. Then it was Sam's turn
Jim "If you roll a natural 20, I'm throwing in the towel"
Sam rolls a natural 20, Jim throws up his hands and gives everyone a white chip. Evan gives Sam a blue chip
Nick was asking questions about Laying on Hands and Jim repeated the discussion that it had to be hands, you can't head butt or teabag someone
Evan "So that's what people are trying to do online; they're trying to heal you"
The first Liartian priest in the alley is knocked out
Evan "Teabag him"
The party sets off the thunder Glyph of Warding which also serves as an alarm and are deciding what to do, go on or retreat
Sam "We could run away; Ding Dong Ditch"
Sam is considering casting Shatter, but doesn't want to collapse the sewer and cause damage or injury to people living above
Nick "We're in the Poor Quarter, <waves dismissingly> nothing important"
Talking about how when the bear takes enough damage, Chatterfang will return to human form. Sam botches and Capote hits the bear with a Firebolt
Evan, marking down damage "Still a bear"
Trying to deflect the Liartian's Spiritual Weapon spell, could they grab it with Mage Hand and hit the bad guy with his own spell?
Evan "Stop hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself?"

Foxglove Fall
The village seems empty
Evan "Sounds like there's houses to loot"
Jack rolls a 1 for a knowledge roll
Jim "You know nothing Jon Snow"
Katya gets a fantastic stealth roll while Invisible
Jim "You are the breeze" and she's talking about pickpocketing "The wind took my wallet"
Jack's paladin grapples the child who radiates magic and punches "her"
Jack "I'm describing grappling and beating a child"
Trying to get the creature disguised as a child to reveal itself
Sam "I could cast Compelled Duel on a child"
The "child" has taken way more damage than an 11 year old girl could withstand and Strethwood's god hasn't punished him for attacking a child
Katya "We're on the right track; keep beating the child"
The "little girl" reveals itself to be an elderly male satyr and they interrogate him
Evan "I will make you my personal dartboard"
Talking about healing the "child"
Jack "I will not Lay Hands on a child"
Jim "So you're not Catholic?"
Talking about exchanging the satyr back for the missing girl
Sam "We want to re-home him"
Describing the countryside, Brittany wants to know what kind of trees there are and Jim laughs
Jack "I give Brittany a chip for making Jim laugh because you're an arborist"
The magic sword has lightning designs and does thunder damage
Brittany "It's a Thor sword; a thword"
Which led to lots of jokes about "thwinging your thword", etc.
The Horn of Valhalla is a Thor horn, so…
Evan "You take the thword, I'll take the thorn"

Night Terrors
The party is talking to the town's dwarven sheriff
Jim "Don't make me channel Clint Eastwood into the sheriff; 'I know what you're thinking; did he fire five crossbow bolts or six? To be honest I'm not sure myself. So you have to ask yourself…' "
Jack "Do you have the Lucky perk?"
Chatterfang casts Speak with Plants
Evan "My first question is 'Where is the Lorax?' "
The town was attacked by a wolf, a werewolf and some kind of undead
Evan "A wolf, a werewolf, and a zombie walk into a bar"
They are facing vampires
Brittany "Nobody touch the vampire, nobody hug the vampire, nobody have sex with the vampire"

The Elfane Taig
Katya "I have Alert <feat>, I can't be surprised while I'm awake"
Jack "Oh, you'll be surprised…"
The players are discussing how the setup seems like a trap
Jim "All adventures are traps"
The party kills a banshee
Jack "Ah, the bedsheet is dead"
Sam is playing a wizard for the first time and is trying to emulate Jack's wizard Furath
Sam "What would Jack do?"
Jack "Shoot Evan in the back"

Giant Hunting
Sam is looking at wizard spells
Sam "Prismatic Spray?"
Jim "It's the Rainbow of Death"
Discussing which clue location to go to first, second, etc, and how long each leg will take
Emily "It's like Google Maps, when you add a destination and try to decide which way to go"
Kevin "I don't want to go to the <dwarven> mine"
Jim "Afraid of balrogs?"
They arrive at the wise woman's hut, she has a small corral with a cow, a pig, and chickens
Kevin "I was expecting Baba Yaga's hut"
Jack "It's the Farmyard of the Damned"
Sam <looking at the animals> "These are the people who didn't return"
Summing up part one for the players who weren't there, the party is camped by the old wise woman's hut
Kevin "Wise-ish. Not wise enough not to be eaten"
Discussing what frost giants are immune to
Nick "Nothing's immune to punch"
Discussing what Chatterfang's Conjure Animals could summon
Jim "Four Foxes, two dogs, one bear"
Evan "Two French hens"
Emily "Can he summon a partridge in a pear tree?"
Lo Pan keeps moving out of the herd of cows to snipe the giants, then dashing back to hide
Evan "The Bovine Brawler"

Hag Tower
The party spots tracks leading away from the woods
Mike "It's the beginning of the railroad"
There are tracks of clawed or taloned feet
Mike "It's a talon-ted killer"
The swashbuckler backstabs the hag
Mike "Surprise buttsex!"
Emily "Surprise Buttsex is your special attack?"
Discussing the famous ball pit event
Emily "All pits can be a ball pit if you jump in with testicles"