Silly Quotes and Smart Remarks

Warning: these pages contain adult subjects and profanity and are intended for mature readers. No actual maturity was involved.

We've always had a lot of quotable comments flying around, I didn't always have a chance to write them down. I try to do a better job these days and here's a combined page of them. There's also a link to one of my favorite gaming quotes pages and another to a best of list. Some of their stuff is hysterical, sometimes it's so bizarre it makes Matt sound perfectly sane. Their language is pretty profane though. And I have some Quotes of Antiquity from long before Meetup. And the Monty Python "Cheese Shop" sketch redone as the Game Shop Sketch. And the random "That's what she said!" table.

Old Quotes from previous games

Current Quotes

Personal Quotes
We were playing King of Tokyo, and Kevin and Emily had the two city spots
Emily "We're a married couple; we stand together"
Someone rolled damage and hit them
Kevin "I'm out"

Discussing intramural quidditch
Chmiel "It's like LARPing with brooms"

We went to Wendy's
Chmiel "I'll have a number 9 <combo meal>"
Jim "Of course you will…" The cashier didn't understand why we all burst out laughing.

Discussing hanging out with JoAnne while everyone else is at Matt's Call of Cthulhu game
Natasha "While Matt plays with Mike…"
Jim "Let's rephrase that"

While playing Star Trek Panic.
Kevin "I am going to Kobayashi Maru the shit out of this"
Discussing what happens if the ship gets boarded
Jim "We fight them! <sings> Da da da dadada" (fight music from Amok Time episode)

Ambushed by a spider in the bathroom at Jim & Jo's house
Natasha "AAHH! Die, you heathen!"

Jim's AD&D Blood Dawn
It Began in a Tavern...
Jim suggests MC be party leader
MC, to boyfriend Mike "That means, wench, you must get me more Cheetos!"
The adventure hook is cast before the players
JoAnne "Amazingly, we didn't see the sign for the railroad"
MC's character was tired and failed a Constitution check to remain alert
MC "I am not constitutionafied enough to make decisions"
JoAnne fails a Strength check climbing down the wall
Jim "You fall and take a point of damage… to your pride"
Chmiel's mage throws a flask of oil at the enemy wizard and gets a direct hit
Jim "The mage is fully involved"
Matt "He's like a Buddhist monk"
The wizard burns to death
Matt "50 Shades of Well Done, 50 Shades of Pink Inside"
Matt's bard sings his battle song…
Matt (Beauty and the Beast song voice) "Nobody sings like Dastan!"
…but is paralyzed after only one round of providing a bonus to the party
MC "You know what battle song stands for? B.S."

Orc Ruins
Kimi's druid Wylie has a pet owl
Kimi "I use the shit from my owl to slick my hair back"
The party can smell the orcs' cook fire
Chmiel "What are they cooking?"
Mike "Meth"
Trying to learn something about the ruin's history
Mike "Can you do something with your bardiness?"
Matt "Do you want to know about drinking or whoring?"
Matt spills coffee on his character sheet
Matt "NOW its a character sheet"
Matt's bard goes down
Natasha (singing) "Nobody dies like Dastan!"
Chmiel (singing) "Nobody fries like Dastan!"

Lee's D&D 5E Storm King's Thunder
Tower of Zephyros
Callum's character has lots of tattoos
Callum "It was a drunk night decision"
Jim "Every night's a drunk night when you're a barbarian"
A dwarf is looking to hire adventurers
Jim "Last time we took a job from a dwarf we got Fireballed repeatedly"
Valfir is haggling for a short sword and it was suggested he could do a side quest to pay for it
Chmiel "Sign outside says 'We don't accept side quests' "
Lee is playing different background side effects
Lee "Scottish Rain. Because it sounds different than regular rain"
Jim "That's because its whiskey, not water"
Lee "There's Fantasy Sewer"
Jim "No, that's where the tentacle monsters live"
The cloud giant's tower on a cloud approaches
Jim "That's no cloud… its a sky castle"
Astrid shakes hands with the giant
Chmiel "I bet it feels big in my baby hand"
Lee "He goes upstairs and does whatever it is giants do"
Valfir is very excitable and outgoing
Chmiel, to Michael "You're like the little kid in Up!"
The cloud castle is slow
Callum "Are we there yet?"
Discussing the magical properties of pixie dust
Callum "Can I snort it?"

Goblins at Goldenfields
Kevin is looking at his character's spell list
Kevin "It looks like it says 'Steer Storm', but I think its supposed to be 'Sleet Storm' "
Lee "As per usual, I worked on it after hockey"
Jim "That would be a cool spell; cows rain down on your enemies"
Callum "Can I have a Cloak of Flying?"
Lee "Yes, because that will do half my work for me"
Michael is playing an overexcited monk
Kevin "Can you detect traps?"
Jim "Yes, when I push him into them"
Making a History skill check
Kevin "I got a one, do I die?"
The town guard captain is a half-orc, and all the local NPCs assume Callum's half-orc must know him and it comes across racist
Michael "All half-orcs know each other"
The temple has guard bears
Michael "I hug the bear"
Jim "We lose more monks that way"
At the inn, Sir Conlan retires early for prayers and caring for his weapons
Michael <makes quotation marks with his hands> "He's 'polishing his blade' "
Jim "I saw that"
Talking about the battle and how a round is only six seconds
Callum "We killed eight people in six seconds"
Kevin "Well, they looked at us funny"
Kevin's character casts a spell and drops a bad guy
Kevin "I like to do a 'one shot, one kill' policy"
Emily wasn't at the game, Kevin texted her that her character was hit by a javelin
Emily <text> "Are we at the Olympics?"
Lee "Well, the streets of Rio were pretty dangerous"
At the beginning of session two, we had a recap for new players and people who missed the last game
Chmiel "Matt was murdered"
Matt "I got better…"
Matt talking about his bard
Matt "I am the Dragon Whisperer"
Jim, points at Mike J "He's a dragonborn"
Mike J "Don't whisper in my ear"
Matt "I like scales against my skin and the ones with forked tongues"
Fighting the hill giants, when the first one is severely wounded, it falls down and cries like a baby
Chmiel "What a bitch giant"
The town is under siege
Lee "You hear a twanging noise"
Chmiel "Damn, its a country band"
Matt "History is written by the victor"
Lee "Who is this Victor and why is he writing history?"
The ogres have backpack catapults lor launching kamikaze goblins
Chmiel "Its wearable tech, part of GoogleSiege"
Erza picks up a short bow and arrows from a fallen guardsman
Chmiel "Sometimes I ride the short bow"
Chmiel was using a mini of a pig farmer, someone suggested he was encumbered by the pig it is carrying
Lee "Enpigered"
Vincent uses Cutting Words on a giant
Jim "Your mother was an ogre!"
Talking about a used vinyl record store
MC "It has the most swagalicious lounge"
The incompetent and cowardly town guard captain shows up and tries to take credit for the battle and Sir Conlan verbally blasts him for his cowardice
Jim "My paladin has a problem with local government"

Waterdeep and Old Gnawbones
Lee refers to the dragon expert as a dragon whisperer
Matt "I am the Dragon Whisperer; there can be only one"
Jim "You can challenge him to a rap battle"
Chmiel "Epic Rap Battles of History"
Talking about acolyte Zi Liang
Lee "Since she's being all monkly, well, clericly"
The party turns down a side quest from someone who might be a thief, he says he represents a group of "like minded businessmen"
Kevin "Amway is really good"
Discussing the funeral plans for Iados
Lee "You can make it open bar and these guys <points at Matt, Chmiel and Michael> will show up"
Jim "That will be more than 60 gold"
The party gets a Potion of Superior Healing
Chmiel "Great, it only works on my boss"
Chmiel "I'm tempted to make a joke"
Jim "When has that ever stopped you?"
The group is making jokes about an S&M Build-A-Bear toy with handcuffs and a ball gag
Jim "Welcome to D&D After Dark"
Michael is deciding which enemy to attack
MC "The one with the smallest health bar floating above their head"
Lee is reading the town description for Red Larch
MC "Is this on the billboard?"
Lee "Its the sign on the exit"
The bard is negotiating for a discount
MC "Why don't you just show some tit?"
Matt "Because my tit is hairy. I may be half elf, but the other half is hairy"
Discussing the the town of Goldenfields was attacked by giants and there defensive walls are in poor repair
Matt "We're going to build a wall against the giants"
Lee "We're going to make Faerun great again"
Callum "I just drink and kill"
Kevin "And I'm all out of drinks"
The inn has poorly done paintings and wood carvings of sexual themes and acts made by the halfling owner
Jim "I feel this is the wrong place to ask to buy some livestock…"
Discussing food at the inn, sausage is the house specialty…
MC "Side pasta is testosteroni"
The party faces Ol' Gnaw Bones, they give her some gifts which she tucks away, someone asks where
Lee "She has a fanny pack made of elven skin"
The dragon gives them some clues and tells them to get out of her forest
Kevin "Nicest dragon I've seen today"

Young Gamers D&D
Minotaur's Maze
Michael asks if Lee's bard has a harp, because he has a spell that lets him replay harp music
Lee "No, harps are the bass of medieval bands, he's the one no one pays attention to. You have to be the guy out front with a lute"
Discussing the effects of the minotaur's raids
Lee "Property values are dropping"
Jim "Almost as bad as having a meth lab next door"
Lee "The minotaur is cooking meth in the mountains"
Mike "Heisentaur"
Got off on a side note about the Random Prostitute table in the DMG
MC "Many whores? I thought we were looking for minotaurs"
The party finds the tracks of a large reptile
MC "Does anyone speak Parseltongue?
Talking about Callum's bad dice rolls as a ranger
Lee "I am a leaf on the wind"
Jim "If by that you mean he's going to get a spear through his chest, yes"
The party is ambushed by a giant beetle and the ranger is the only one surprised
Jim "WORST! RANGER! EVER!"
The bard Jables sings a battle song
Mike "Is it a Beatles cover song?"
The monster in the pool attacks Ryz with two tentacles and drags him under water
Lee "I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going"
Trying to escape a monster's attack, the wild mage casts Nahal's Reckless Dweomer and shapes the surge into Alternate Reality. So Jim has to reroll the attacks. The mage is still attacked and in trouble, but takes 4hp less damage on the first turn and 4hp less on the second turn.
Lee "I lost 4hp just listening to that"
The characters are drawing cards from the Deck of Many Things and someone said "What's the worst that could happen?"
JoAnne, from upstairs <shouts> "You did NOT just say that!!"
After the epic debacle with the Deck of Many Things
Jim "I've said it before; I don't kill player-characters, players kill characters"

AD&D Bad Hand
Sea of Worlds
Lee is making up his new druid and looking for character artwork, all the female druids have big boobs
Lee "There's something about being a druid that gives you huge breasts"
Jim "When last we left our band of adventurers, there were more of them"
Lee "And they had more clothes"
Lee's druid is a fanboy of his missing bard Jables
Lee "I was in a tavern and heard the most sublime music…"
Jim "Then Jables came on"
The cleric Gyles is all in for fighting evil, regardless of the pay
Michael "Evil gives me a hard on"
Mike "I'm not bunking with him, you go to your room and take care of that"
Lee "He'll be in his bunk"
The party is rolling very poorly for combat and worse for damage when they do hit
Michael "He's going to die the death of a thousand cuts"
Lee "I got a tattoo once that felt like this"
Talking about swimming in the hot springs
(Chmiel and Natasha stood in for Michael and Lee)
Chmiel "Want to see why they call me a wood elf?"
Jim "You are at -1 chips"
The dungeon I used was lots of curves and very alien, but my drawing on the white board looked like a bad anatomy sketch
Jim "Now you're leaving the prostate and travelling down the urethra"
Gyles' clothing and gear disintegrates including the bandages and sutures in his first aid kit, but not the needles
Chmiel "I look like a naked junkie"
Talking about how much Chmiel likes to say "Nein!" for nine and we made jokes like "8+1" instead of saying nine or "Chmiel+1" for ten
Jim rolls a nine for damage against Sya
MC "You Chmieled me"
Jim "Sounds like a warcrime"
Chmiel "It was very be-nine"
Jim "-2 chips"
Jim texted Lee about the powers of the Shrieking Staff, Lee misread it
Lee "When I first read that, I thought it said "goat" form. Worst. Staff. Ever."

Troubles on the Road
Talking about still travelling to KG's castle that he got from the Deck of Many Things
Lee "You have a castle, but it sells hamburgers"
MC "White Castle!"
Lee "Darwin and KG go to White Castle"
Gyles is making a tithe donation to his church
Lee "Official church looting"
Rolling initiative
MC "Chmiel" (She got a nine…)
MC "Can we figure out where the poison came from?"
Lee "It's Mexican poison"
Jim "Even if you save, you still get diarrhea"
The party decides not to stay at the inn after the attack
Mike "I'm going to rip them apart on Yelp"
The party squeezes into a lean to, five guys and Sya
Lee "I've seen enough German porn to know where this is going"
Lee fails his roll for Dispel Magic
Jim "It happens to 1 in 10 druids"

Star Wars D6 Delve Wookies Amok
Making up PC names and consulting various character generator websites
Lee "Talon Blackstar"
Jim "Not T'lon with an apostrophe?
Michael "Sounds like a main character name"
Lee "I am the main character of every game I play in"
The Rebels' ship crashes and the pilot is killed
Chmiel "I am a leaf on the wind"
Moans from other players
Michael "Too soon"
Lee "You know how you tape a flash light to your rifle? I tape it to my knife"
Chmiel "Doesn't that throw off the balance?"
Lee "No, it makes it lighter…"
More moans
Callum "I tape a light to my helmet to make me brighter"
Wearing the armor from a dead stormtrooper, someone asked "Why is your armor covered in blood?"
Michael "Its my period"
Michael's Cathar is a large brute of a cat-man, they're trying to capture enemy uniforms
Michael "I'll intimidate their clothes off"
Mike "That's intense"
Lee "Is that what we're calling it? 'Why did you take off your uniforms?' ' Well, there was the biggest pussy I've ever seen' "
Discussing the plan to rescue the prisoners and the flaw in the plan that they might be forced to leave the droid behind
Jim "That's the only flaw you thought of?"
Lee "We're going to land on the fence to pick up the droid"
Chmiel "I had space dysentery that week"
Lee "Spysentery"
Jim "Spiarrhea"
Trying to move a dead body that's dripping blood
Jim "Make a First Aid roll to stop the corpse from bleeding"
Asking if they can get upstairs from the maintenance crawl ways without being seen
Jim "Not unless you can change into a snake and crawl up the toilet. Or change into a dianoga"
Lee "What do I roll for that?"
Jado is sneaking around the Corvette to make sure no one is aboard
Jim "You know he's walking around pissing on things going 'That's mine' ".

Star Wars D6 Rebellion
Character Session
Emily was talking about how Mirialans were made second class citizens and basically put in camps or reservations
Emily "So then Trump, I mean, Palpatine…"
Looking at Assets and Complications
Michael "Would Natural Linguist be useful?"
Lee "No, but Cunning Linguist would be"
Talking about somone's character doing drugs
Lee "He took a hit off the space bong, the spong"
Kevin's character is a Mandalorian who wants to revive their past glory
Lee "Make Mandalore Great Again"
Michael "Build a wall around your world"
Mike "And make the Empire pay for it"
Jim "The Rebel base is code named Oracle"
Emily "Like the sage or part of the nipple?" <she meant areole>
Emily bursts out laughing
Emily "It was so hard to say that with a straight face"
More character slogans
Lee "Feel the Burn"
Kevin "Are you a Flametrooper?"
Emily "Are you gay? Because that's okay"
Kevin "He's not a Flamingtrooper"

Supply Raid
We were discussing if the planet Tel III had any moons and Emily suggested it had 14
Lee "Take your girlfriend outside and fondle each other through your spacesuits under the light of 14 moons"
Emily "I can't imagine what the tides are like"
Michael "When the moons line up, you get 100 foot waves"
Jim "That's when the surfer convention arrives"
Discussing that the campaign starts after the Battle of Yavin and that the destruction of the Death Star was a tremendous boost for Rebel morale and recruiting
Jim "There's a new hope"
Lee "I feel the Empire will strike back"
Mike "Someone will return"
The adventure takes place in the Laud system, which Jim mispronounced as "loud"
Lee "You can hear it from miles away"
Jim "Have you been hanging around with Chmiel?"
The mission shouldn't be too hard
Lee "Its a milk run. A blue milk run"
Discussing Lee's character only goes by his nickname
Lee "You don't know my name"
Michael "Its on your W-2"
Continual jokes and puns about being in the "Loud" system
Lee "It comes out loud, but no one notices because the ambient noise is so high"
C'athall and Varek are not doing well bribing the supply officer
Lee "Worst. Bribers. Ever."
Michael rolls to hit with two shots and due to bad rolls and botches, ends up with totals in the single digits
Lee "The troopers look at you and say 'That's a bad shot. And we're Imperials…' "
Rolling to see if Hack accidentally shoots C'athall or Varek
Kevin "If you shoot us, you're getting a talking to"
Jim asks Kevin a question about Varek's stats
Kevin "I have a two Knowledge"
Lee "Two dice or two points?"
Jim "Do you have Forgery?"
Lee "Poetry?"
Emily "That's what I heard, too"
Jim "It is not a pork truck"
Lee fails his Forgery to concoct an authentic sounding recall order to the TIE fighters
Lee "I might have done better rolling Poetry"

Refinery Strike
Discussing a disguise kit to conceal Leelan's race
Lee "Its called black face"
Jim "Space face"
Leelan's R5 has artwork inspired by Mirialan tattoos
Jim "Nice graffitti, did some Jawa kids steal it?"
Jim, to Michael "You may use Con <skill>"
Lee "Khan!!"
Smuggling weapons on board the transport
Jim "There's no T.S.A., so it should be easy"
Emily "There will be after this"
Jim "<newscaster voice> Mirialan terrorists destroy refinery"
Trying to make small talk with the employees
Lee "Do you work here often?"
Lee's character is being rebellious and C'athal, the team commander, regards him as being childish
Mike "Wait until I talk to your mother… Oh wait"
Mass "Ooowwww"
The players kept warning each other not to mention they had bombs
Kevin "How about those training videos? They're dynamite!"
Lee "Don't mention the bomb!"
Lots of "Somebody set us up the bomb" comments, mostly from Lee
Discussing the bombs, Jim says they are equal to at least a kilo of C4
Lee "How much is that?"
Emily (laughing) "You don't understand metric?" because Lee is Canadian and that's what they use
Lee "No, I don't know how much explosive it is"
Lee wants Hack to carry a bomb, but Mike says no, so Lee writes a protest poem
Lee "The Capt'n won't let me take the bomb,
Words can't explain how much he's wrong,
If I had the bomb, I'd BE the bomb,
But I guess we'll never know."
Planning the escape
Emily "I imagine we'll have a sloppy escape, yelling 'Run away, run away!' "
Talking about stealing the partially loaded ore freighter docked at the refinery
Lee "We could drop rocks on people and they could die"
Jim "Believe me, I'm thinking about that right now"
Stealing an escape speeder
Kevin "We walk briskly to the speeders"
Mike wants to fire the carbine, even though it does the same damage as his pistol
Mike "Rifle skill lets me roll more dice"
He rolls and gets ones on almost half his dice
Jim "More dice means more ones"

Quid Pro Quo
Discussing buying an airspeeder
Emily "We could almost buy our own ship for that"
Going to the spaceport bar
Michael "Is it a spiki (space tiki) bar?"
Jim "We go to ze meeting" (bad French accent, I don't know why)
Emily (confused) "Zee Mi Ting? Who's that?"
The contact is Graxi Takka
Emily "When I see his name, I want to say 'Graxi Taxi' "
The crime syndicate's offices are very posh
Emily "Did I bring my droid?"
Jim "Not unless he's serving drinks"
Emily "Never bring a droid to a knife fight"
During the meeting with the crime boss
Michael "Does he open a side door to show a bloody body hanging in chains?"
Jim "No, but I admit there is a little Niska vibe here"
Varek shoots a trooper and Kevin is disappointed he isn't wounded
Jim "He is wearing armor"
Kevin "Oh… Lame. It's not sporting"

Deathwatch
Discussing some D&D podcast's character
Michael "He was sleeping around like bards do"
Emily "Are bards known for that?"
Jim "Just ask Matt"
Emily "So bards are like the lead guitar player?"
And the Raise Dead ceremony, which requires some friends to come to help lure the dead soul back to life
Jim "Its a reverse eulogy"
The player characters are praised and get a bonus for getting the medical supplies for free practically
Emily "Do we get an award ceremony?"
Jim "Everyone gets a commendation in their records"
Emily "Five commendations earn you an award ceremony"
Kevin "Unless you're a Wookie. Or a droid"
One of the Rebel Y-wings from the Black Knives squadron is missing
Michael "Black Knives Matter"
Jim groans and penalizes Michael a chip for the bad pun
Emily "You've been waiting to say that, haven't you?"
Michael "Ever since he said 'Black Knives' "
The crew splits up on Genesia, looking for work
Emily "We're going to crime casual"
Describing the different Mandalorians and their tricked out armor
Emily "Mandalorians seem complicated"
Varek defeats the Mandalorian that attacked him
Michael "You need to cut off his head to gain his power"
Jim "This isn't Highlander"
Discussing why Deathwatch might be after Varek
Jim "You stole a ship"
Kevin " 'Stole' is a strong word' "

_Star Wars D6 Shadows of Discord_
Shadow of the Dark Side
Talking about Raleigh's lizard man
Kevin "If we have to have a dinosaur, its a good thing"
Then there was a discussion if they wore clothes, because its nude in the picture. And was it warm or cold blooded? Raleigh decided he wears cargo shorts.
Emily offered tea
Chmiel "I heard 'tea' and got a tea-boner"
Lee rolls very well to for Bruin to get access to the ship's computer
Jim "You get root" referring to the term in the game Hacker for administrator access to a computer system
Bruin has a fear of flying, Talik helped him meditate with her Affect Emotions Force power
Kimi "I showed him my boobs and he calmed right down"
Jim "People spend a lot of time looking at your characters' boobs" referring to her Companion Tia in the Serenity campaign Lost Sheep adventure Liner Larceny.
Heading into an unexplored sector
Chmiel "Are there reavers here?"
Jim "Remember later that you asked"
Lee "If there's a disturbance in the force, I'll be in my bunk"
Chmiel is rolling to land
Lee "Please land on a fence"
Sneaking up to the pyramid
Emily "There's nothing to catch off guard, evil is evil"
Chmiel "Its BYOB; bring your own blaster"
Michael's droid is being rebellious about control by the "meatbags"
Kimi "What's your sass level at?"
Jim asks Kevin to make a Sense Force roll
Jim "You sense a disturbance in the Force…"
Michael is going to give his droid the Good Samaritan complication, but only towards other droids
Lee "We're going to get into action and you're going to be trying to rescue the vending machine"
Lee rolls to attack with the Enhance Coordination bonuses
Lee "I feel like Ruan"
Lee "Tell me when I do something silly"
Jim "I wouldn't do anything else"
Trying to get the doors open
Lee "How many Jedi does it take to open a door?"
Lee rolls poorly and fails to bring up Bruin's Lightsaber Combat power
Jim "One in ten Jedi have that problem"
Michael "If its up for more than eight hours…"
Matt "Consult the Jedi council"
Michael "Consult your medical droid"
Kimi steals some sith jewelry
Raleigh "Nothing says 'promote me' to the Jedi council like sith jewelry"
Kimi's character was a sith hipster, a sithster"
Michael's droid picks up the four lightsabers
Raleigh "Okay General Grievous"
Kimi is talking about her character piercing her lekku, the Twi'lek "head tails" for the sith jewelry and wondering if they are sexual organs
Raleigh "Did you get a Sith Albert?"

Contraband
Lee "Midichlorians are just a lie spread by the government to explain Force powers"
Discussing who has piloting and other ship skills
Matt "I can fly starfighters"
Lee "What can't you do?" Since the Jedi have to spend 60% of their skills on Force skills, the non-jedi have a wider variety of skills.
Kimi "Use the Force"
Joking again about how attractive Kimi's Twi'lek is
Kimi "You can look at my green boobies… groobies"
Lelan flies very well
Emily "Lelan is a leaf on the wind"
Lot's of groans
Emily "Too soon?"
Discussing using the Force power Enhance Attribute, Emily has a slip of the tongue
Lee "Enhance Appetite? That's a great Force power"
Discussing racism in Star Wars
Lee "I'm stressed"
Emily "Stress racism, stracism"
Jim "Space racism, spacism"
Looking at the visual encyclopedia for The Force Awakens
Raleigh "I like how their officers went with the Canada look for their ear flaps (on their hats)"
Jim "Space is cold"
Lee "Canada is colder"
Everyone is practicing saying "Lelan" (there's no "d" at the end)
Raleigh "Its like Leylan Yutani" (from Alien)
Emily "That's Weyland"
Again discussing Kimi's Jedi
Michael "She's not really a Jedi, she just showed someone her boobs and they gave her a lightsaber"
Emily "Gave her a lightsaber? Is that what they're calling it now?"
XTR-MN8 has been bad
Lee "You're demoted to luggage handler"
Talking about a decoy plan for trying to get close to the pirates
Chmiel "Just go to a junkyard and get a piece of shit"
Michael "Get a Firefly"

Chamax Plague
Michael knocked over Emily's stack of chips and was having trouble re-stacking them
Chmiel "He's got the wrong chipset"
Michael "I wasn't a casino droid"
Lelan is training with the senior instructor
Chmiel "You're turning too fast. We need to stop by the pharmacy. I've had my turn signal on for the last half lightyear."
One of the new crew is a marine from the Judicial Branch Fleet
Raleigh "Judicial marine? Is that like a space bailiff?"
Michael is joking about oiling his droid's joints
Emily "Do you have a built in oilcan?"
Chmiel "He's self lubricating"
Once they realized they were dealing with alien acid spewing monsters, lots of quotes from Aliens
Kevin is trying to move past the hibernating monsters
Emily "Try walking without rhythm"
XTR-MN8 is looting and is ordered to return the items
Jim "Jayne, don't steal too much of their shit"

Pirate Tales
Discussing the inhuman background of an NPC in Matt's Call of Cthulhu campaign
Matt "That's what happens when your dad sleeps with something they shouldn't"
Jim "Hookers Man was not meant to know"
And talking about children of apathetic or neglectful parents
Matt "My parents never watched me and I turned out okay"
Jim "You keep using that word; I do not think it means what you think it means"
Discussing space drugs
Matt "Speth, spoke, sparijuana, spanja"
Discussing pirate accessories
Kimi "How about a robot parrot?"
Jim "Last time we had a robot parrot, it didn't work out so well"
One of the shelters is some kind of mud adobe
Matt "Of course its a mud adobe; no one ever updates Adobe"
They teach Kimi to trick to good high fives, look at the other person's elbow and you'll never miss
Kimi "What is this sorcery?!"
Talik swaggers into the bar/whorehouse
Kimi "I'm green and volumptuous" She meant voluptuous
Jim "She has nice lumps"
The whorehouse bar's bartender is frog-like
Kevin "The bartender only has one head; how inefficient"
Discussing Talik's seductive personality
Jim "She has 5d6 in Force Seduction"
Lee "That sounds a little rapey"
Talik is chatting with the Gamorrean
Lee "Your charms won't work on him, your tusks aren't big enough"
The Troig bartender mentions Hela Dellaeon is trying to be a great pirate, a pirate queen
Lee "Pirate Queen sounds like an ABBA album"
Matt "Pirate Queen, young and mean"
Matt rolls poorly to sneak aboard the pirate ship
Lee "You're going to get us killed"
Matt "No, just me"
Kimi "My head tails aren't good enough for you?"
Kimi to Matt about his non-Jedi character "Its funny how you think you're as cool as we are"

Night of Conquest
Lee was talking about going surfing or something, like his monk in our Oriental Adventures campaign.
Matt "You cannot create a watersport in every RPG you play"
Discussing possible secrets of the planet
Jim "There may be deposits of heavy metals…"
Lee <sings> "Heavy metal…"
Jim "I knew I could count on Lee for that"
Talking about how the Republic hopes offworld trade will help the natives advance their society so they can form a unified world government and join the Republic
Lee "Aren't we violating the Prime Directive?"
Jim "If there was a Prime Directive in Star Wars, we would be. But there's not. Of course, if we were playing Star Trek, its all about violating the Prime Directive"
Kimi wants to do something unethical with her Force powers and Jim warns her against it
Matt "The Force is watching, just like God and Santa"
Comparing attractiveness, Alana has Allure (minor), but Talik has Allure (Major)
Kimi "What's it like to be sub-par?"
The invaders open fire
Lee "Will you tell those guys to stop firing guns? I'm trying to use my Danger Sense"
Taking the boat upriver, someone (maybe Lee) referred to them as "Steamboat Jedi"
Talik uses the Force to throw XTR up on the bridge
Chmiel "She throws like a girl"
Kimi is again considering an inappropriate use of Force powers and Matt warns her
Kimi "Its a fine line between Light and Dark, buddy, and only a Jedi can walk it"
Matt "I'm sure a lot of Sith said that before…"

Food Run
Chmiel "I get the ship washed"
Jim "Do you get a Super Kiss? In case you hit an asteroid and have to come back this week?"
Requisitioning equipment
Kevin "Do we have a Holocaust Cloak?"
Jim "No, but I can get you a wheelbarrow"
Matt "What's diplomacy?"
Kevin "When you get people to do what you want without shooting them"
Planning pranks on XTR-MN8
Lee "The next thing he's going to say is 'bidibidi' " (like the droid in the Buck Rogers TV show)
Michael feels XTR isn't allowed to speak during the briefing
Lee "You just have to speak up; 'Excuse me, meatsacks' "
Matt "I used to teabag womprats…"
Lee rolls a 34 while hacking
Lee "I am Root!"
Discussing how dangerous the city is
Michael "They should have the Olympics here"
Kevin and Lee are rolling terribly to chase the sniper
Jim "The slowest chase in the history of the Jedi Order"
One of the soldiers botches a Sneak roll
Kevin "I feel that if I was a Sith Lord, I would just kill him"
Kevin "We're no longer sneaking sneakily"
Jim "You're strolling casually"
Lots of Botches, especially from Lee
Chmiel "He lives in Botchington"
Then Chmiel Botches on First Aid for Fom
Mike "I have a band-aid with Sponge Bob on it"
The Peacekeeper medic rolls a 20
Jim "Someone figured out which end of the stethoscope goes on the patient"
Lee is planning to negotiate with the terrorists
Chmiel "You can do your plan, but you have to take XTR with you"
Kevin "Oh Lord…"
Discussing the terrorists' plans and that they seem to be fairly with it
Kevin "This isn't their first rodeo. It might be their second, but it isn't their first"
Bruin opens the security doors for XTR
Jim "The inner and outer doors open at the same time"
Kevin "It's a trap!"
Cutting through doors
Kevin "I would like to stick my lightsaber in"
Chmiel "That's what she said"
Chmiel "Here's Johnny!"
Lee "Here's Jedi!"
The terrorists attack XTR
Lee "This would be a bad time for a botch"
Michael "I have good armor…" He botches

Rogue Metal
The ship lurches and drops out of hyperspace
Kevin "Can I bring up Danger Sense?"
Lee "Can I bring up my lunch?"
Jim "You just did"
Describing the asteroid
Lee "Let's ignore it; its irrelevant"
Jim "You have a party to get to"
Talking about the fragments from the blown door
Kimi "We could have gotten cut, gotten tetanus. Space tetanus"
Chmiel "Spetanus"
Chmiel "I wear space pants because my ass is out of this world"
Jim leans over and takes a chip to penalize him for bad jokes.
Looking at the abandoned base and donning spacesuits
Jim "Obviously, you're in space, so there's no…"
Lee "Smell?"
Discussing what could be lurking in the base
Chmiel "I'm not afraid, Jim's not holding a Traveller adventure"
Jim looks at Chmiel and lifts up his clipboard to show he has an issue of Challenge magazine underneath it
Chmiel "Oh shit…"
Looking to loot the bodies
Kevin "Always sell on Ebay, that's the Jedi way"
Fighting the droid, Bruin hits the droid, but his lightsaber barely damages it
Jim "You score the surface, but don't penetrate"
Kevin "Did I penetrate?"
Lee "That's what she said"
Bruin uses Telekinesis to lift the droid so it can't move or reach them and they attack the droid from below
Jim "Set your lightsaber for 'colonoscopy' "
We were comparing accents and how we say certain words differently
Lee "I pronounce everything correctly"
Lee was constantly making government conspiracy comments, Kimi called him on it several times
Jim "He's very in touch with his inner conspiracy"
Kevin "Don't you (Lee's character) work for the government?"
The party finds old battle droids, some wrecked by combat
Jim "I wish Michael was here, his character would be all upset and yelling 'My brothers, I will avenge you!' "
Chmiel suggests Alana could borrow a lightsaber to fight the combat droids
Lee "You can't use a lightsaber, you're just a muggle"
Bruin is spouting conspiracy theories about the battle droids and the Military Industrial Complex
Jim "You have a complex about the Military Industrial Complex"
Bruin salvages a battle droid, his designation is BT-8R or Beater
Chmiel "I hope he doesn't have a wife"
The party finds four fresh corpses, two human males, a human female and a male Twi'lek
Chmiel "It's our stunt doubles!!"
Lee "It's like Weekend at Bernie's… Weekend at Twi'lek"
Chmiel "The Twi'lek Zone"
Lee "Look out, its Yoda… 'Hmm, tired your friend is' "

Darksiders
Michael is asking if his MSE droid can be equipped with a grenade or rocket launcher
Jim "Your Mouse droid is a suicide terrorist bomber?"
Chmiel "It shouts 'Allah Ackbot', its a model J1-HAD"
Jim, to Kimi "You feel a vague disturbance in the Force"
Kimi, to Lee "I feel a vague disturbance in the Force"
Lee "I had some bad tacos"
Jim "You can take your own transport"
XTR is flying on his rocket pack, shooting the escaping bad guys
Chmiel "Murder from above"
Chmiel "You're a leaf on the wind"
Kimi "You're a leaf on the wind"
Michael "Don't say that!"
Talking about other characters' reactions to Kimi's hot Twi'lek
Kimi "I'm the boobs in town"
Introducing XTR to Y'ggdrasil
Chmiel "This is our resident Roomba"
And Spots, Jim is doing his British drill sergeant bit
Jim "I'm starting to channel Kryten from Red Dwarf"
Michael is complaining that no one likes his droid
Jim "You're a second class citizen, suck it up"
Lee "He's a Suckotron 2000"
Chmiel "He's got a special attachment for that"
Jim "She's gone from suck to blow"
Chmiel "I'm the good cop, you're the bad cop?"
Mike "I'm bad cop as shit"
They snuck into the darksiders' cave, then XTR starts kicking down doors.
Michael "Why are we sneaking around if they could sense us?"
Lee "They might do it badly or be sleeping or drunk or doing evil, shady side sith sex"
Stealing the darksiders' furniture
Mike "Its space Ikea, Spikea"
Talking about midichlorians as a food additive, like salt
Lee "The Force is with your dinner"

Into the Gap
Kimi makes custom dice bags and other items and is working up to leather bags, Lee is going to get one
Kimi "You're funding my endeavors into leather"
Talik's arm was amputated last adventure and she has a prosthetic, but there was a discussion of having it regenerated
Lee "You've got a Deadpool arm!"
The fake freighter shell is fitted to the corvette
Lee "This feels like a condom"
Kimi "It is meant to capture seamen"
Talik has a good working relationship with the ship's engineer and Kimi is talking about having her along, but Kevin doesn't recognize the NPC's name
Kevin "This is a real person that we can see too?"
Discussing repairing the captured pirate ship and using it as a Trojan Horse
Kevin "We're going to paint it like a giant wooden badger"

Marooned
Chmiel was talking about a piece of equipment with a suggestive hand gesture
Chmiel "Its like a super soaker"
MC "That's more like a shake weight"
Chmiel "Budget cuts"
Jim laid out the pirate ship deck plan sheet which had lots of staterooms for crew with individual bathrooms marked
Lee "Look at all the toilets!"
Mike "Its the poop deck"
Bailing out in the lifeboat
Chmiel "What's the ETA to the…" <pauses in thought>
Jim "Crash site?"
Considering the survivors and their resources from the lifeboat
Lee "Its not quite the Donner Party"
Jim "You have died of dysentery"
Walking to the starport, which may take months
Lee "Are we there yet?"
The local lifeforms are hexapedal, some of the bird species have four wings
MC "More meat!"
Lee "I'm going to open a Buffalo Wing restaurant"
Chmiel was concerned about being the only female character and going off alone for bathing, etc, but Jim pointed out Kimi's Jedi was with them and one of the troops was female
Chmiel "Okay, we can have girl time"
Lee "Can I watch while you have girl time?"
Jim asks them to make a Perception check
Lee "I perceive that we're not there yet"
Mike's character keeps sampling raw meat from the local animals
Jim "Who are you, Bear Grylls?"
The pirates order the party to strip
Kimi "Why?"
Lee "Music starts to play"
Mike "Milkshake"
Lee "Pour Some Sugar on Me"
Mike "Cherry Pie"
Kim makes some good rolls
Kimi "Hey, when you're better, you're better"
Mike's naked character grabs his vibroknife from the ground and attacks a pirate from behind
Lee "You're going to rub your junk in his back"
Mike "I'm going to teabag him on the way down"
Kimi "Does a vibroknife vibrate?"
Mike "Yes"
Kimi "I could have figured that out for myself. Can I have a dumb question scratched?"
Discussing that the pirates might have left the mortally wounded Bruin behind when they took prisoners
Lee "Left on this planet, a fate worse than death…"
Many more teabagging jokes and Mike talking about dropping a few pubes
Lee "You're Pubes McTeabag"

Nomads of the World Ocean
The mission is to a waterworld to investigate claims of corporate over-harvesting
Lee "There's something fishy about that"
Lee's character is a conspiracy theorist
Lee "I've studied all the conspiracies, like the Flat Galaxy Theory"
Talik is pretending to be a corporate representative
Kimi "I was born to be a pretend space businessman"
The speeder crashes after rescuing the local
Lee "So we are literally in the same boat… I didn't mean to do that"
Talking about medical care for Alana after she fumbles with a lightsaber
Lee "How good is your insurance?"
Chmiel "I work for the Republic"
Lee "Spedicaid (space Medicaid)"
Alana loses her arm at the elbow
Chmiel "I'm a one-armed bandit"
They suggest she get a hook
Kimi "You're Captain Hook!"
Talik and Bruin board the factory ship, cutting through the hull above the waterline
Lee "So we're on the Lido Deck"
Talking about Tibanna gas is flammable, and joking about the Star Wars warning symbol, we decided it was a burning stick figure
Lee makes funny noises while his character uses Force powers
Kimi "The crew are going to tell the captain the ship is haunted"
Kimi "I'm going to cast Dim Other's Senses"
Lee " 'Cast'?"
Discussing the data storage in Rogue One
Lee "Its an eight track. Speight track"
Kimi finally gets to use her Beast Riding skill and Beast Language Force power
Kimi "They told me I'd never use it when I graduated Jedi college, but Ha!"
Lee "It was an easy elective"
Lee "I made copies of the data and put it in a secure location… my sock"
Mike and MC joined for the conclusion and we explained to MC that Bruin is a conspiracy theorist
MC, confused "But you work for the government…?"
Jim "Yep, you've got it"
Kimi rolled a total of "5" for Receptive Telepathy
Mike "You read your own mind"
Jim "You fail to read your own mind"
Arresting the corrupt company officers
Mike "I go for a bitch slap/hand cuff combo, maybe throw in a teabag"
Talik is going to read minds again
Lee "Rape his mind"
Mike "No lube"

No Time to Rest
Discussing Toydarian physiology and that their "pot belly" is actually a bladder of lighter than air gas to help them fly, Jim suggests its hydrogen.
MC "So their boobs are probably the same, which means my boobs float up under my chin"
Jim "Do you squeeze your nipples to let gas out to reduce buoyancy? Can you hold up a lighter to shoot flames?"
Landing at the so called port on the backwater world of Prine
Mike "How sketchy are the techs here?"
MC " 'Had sex with my sister before coming to work' sketchy?"
Jim "Not that bad"
Mike "Sex with their cousin"
MC rolls 10d6 for piloting, but botches and ends up with a 26
Jim "3.5 is the average on a d6, so she got below average but a decent landing"
MC "Sounds like my life; below average but a decent landing"

Spilled Blood
Discussing the pirate attack, Kimi's friend Amanda was spectating
Matt "Spirates"
Kimi "Steal their space booty"
Amanda "Spooty"
Discussing reports of Trump's "Golden Shower" prostitute party
Matt "I wonder how much that costs"
Kimi "I'll pee on you for free"
Jim "That's love"
Discussing the dead monks
Chmiel "Red shirts"
Jim "Red robes"
Running Beater
Jim "I keep wanting to make him sound like K-2SO, but it comes out more like Marvin the Paranoid Android"