Silly Quotes and Smart Remarks

Warning: these pages contain adult subjects and profanity and are intended for mature readers. No actual maturity was involved.

We've always had a lot of quotable comments flying around, I didn't always have a chance to write them down. I try to do a better job these days and here's a combined page of them. And I have some Quotes of Antiquity from long before Meetup. And the Monty Python "Cheese Shop" sketch redone as the Game Shop Sketch. And the random "That's what she said!" table. There's also Inside Jokes with some running gags. There's the Mos Eisley Pharmacist and Death Star Janitor and now the Polearm Shop Sketch!

Old Quotes from previous games

Current Quotes

Personal Quotes
Playing Villainous
MC “I don’t always take power, but when I do, I take 2 power”
Lee “Dos Powers”

Emily about learning to play the violin
"It's like playing the bass, but smaller"

Mike's D&D 5E Tomb of Annihilation
Welcome to the Jungle
Caite "Can I get another tinderbox?"
Mike "Don't grab the one with AIDS"
Marcus "I think that would be grindbox"
Visiting the merchant prince's castle, looking at all the expensive furnishings and items on display
Mike "If you learned anything from Aladdin, don't touch shit"
Discussing guides, MC said one had heart
Scott "Rudy had a big heart and he sucked at football"
In the Thundering Lizard bar
Mike "The bar smells like piss"
Jim "Oh, like The Pink" (a dive bar in the Allentown district of Buffalo)

Plundered Temple
Reading the note on the altar
LeeAughhh...
Bricks fall and strike the party
Lee “This construction is not up to code”
Checking the wights, they have some swords
Mike "They might be worth 15gp each if someone polishes them. Maybe Jim's character can polish them"
Picking on Jim because his paladin in Lee's game is fastidious about caring for his weapons
Mike "He's a PPP; perpetually polishing paladin"
The rogue finds an animal claw in the tree house
Mike “Its from some kind of lion or tiger”
MC and Alicia “Or bear”
The party hears some kind of roaring in the jungle
Bonnie to Alicia “Was that your stomach? Are you hungry?”
Facing the were-tiger
Bonnie "He just wants someone to be his fluffer"

Hedging your Bets
Making stripper jokes while passing around change from ordering dinner
Marcus "I'm used to picking up singles"
Bonnie "With what…?"
Moving into the hedge maze
Caite "Its like Maze Runner. Or the Goblet of Fire"
Mike "Let's go with Goblet of Fire"
Lee "There's a bustle in the hedgerow"
Caite botches and hits Bonnie's character
Caite "Can we use dice that don't have ones on them?"
Discussing the different colors of grungs by castes
Jim "Don't lick the frogs"
The grung leader is king Groak
Lee "Supreme leader Groke?"
The grung priest wants to do an illusion of the grung goddess to fool the king
Jim "Frog porn"

Garden Party
Our new player Scott C brought a half-orc barbarian named Nanoc Doombringer
Lee "He's available for kids' parties"
Talking to the yuan-ti, Mike gave them a sibilant, lisping accent and we responded in kind
Lee "You are missstaken"
Mike "Mis-snaken"
Crossing the bridges into Kir Sabal, many people fell and took damage
Lee "We fought the snake guys and won, but then we died crossing a bridge"
Lee's character spends the night with the princess
Scott C "In the words of Tone Loc, she is walking with a limp"
Discussing the barbarian's history as a dinosaur fighting pit gladiator
Alicia "Does he look like Russell Crowe?"
Mike is drawing the map and everyone is making guesses
Bonnie "Pictionary!"
A giant man eating plant attacks the party
Jim "Feed me Seymour!"
Bonnie rolls minimum damage of 2hp for her dragonborn's breath weapon attack
Bonnie "How does that happen?"
Lee "It was an ice hairball"

Peaks of Flame
Discussing dinner with the bird people
Lee "Raw seeds and corn"
Mike "They give you a chunk of suet"
Talking about flying to the Peaks of Flame
Alicia "Because there are t-rexs, are there pterodactyls?"
Following the ore cart tracks
Jim "The railroad"
Lee "We are literally being railroaded"
People are questioning Bonnie on finding a rock, how does she know how much it weighs, could be different density
Bonnie "Holy shit, I was just looking for a fucking rock!"
Describing the kobolds
Bonnie "Lots of sleeping… assholes"

City of Snakes
Reading the grafitti in the guard house
Jim "We missed the poetry slam"
Alicia "For a good time, call…"
A long boulevard runs almost all the way across the city, north to south
Bonnie "The Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
The rescued scribe has a russian accent
Mike "I'm following Lee's tradition of making NPCs russian"
Rehashing for people who missed the last session, we need to collect nine puzzle stones
Caite "Is there a magic glove this is going in?"
Discussing marching order, Scott M and Scott C are at the rear
Bonnie "Two Scotts in the rear"
Lee, Scottish accent "Two Scots in the rear, that's the punchline of every joke in Glasgow"
Lots of wine and snacks were passed around the table
The party lights torches as they enter a shrine
MC, waving her wine glass "We're lit"
Jim "Some more than others"
Aria casts a Minor Illusion to fake a Wall of Fire, but we're having trouble seeing the map because of all the food on the table
Bonnie "Wall of Fire, Wall of Snacks"
Trying to decide where to go next
Bonnie "Mystery Shrine for 400"
The ghast shrieks when hit by a Firebolt
Caite "Like a lobster when you drop it in the pot"
Making comments about lubricating the key before putting it in the pedestal
Alicia "Just spit on it and stick it in"
Mike "Alicia likes it rough"
Jim botches on his stealth check
Mike "Jim's character falls and all his stuff rattles"
Bonnie "He falls into a china shop"
Discussing music
Scott C "Dubstep sounds like Optimus Prime jerking off"
Lee’s character steps on a tile and a blade swings out from the wall and hits him
Lee <shouting back through the maze> “Do not step on the tiles!”
Scott M, pretending to misunderstand “You have large piles?”
Marcus “You want to see Ryan Stiles?”

Offer you can't Refuse
Discussing what creatures might be in the water
Bonnie, looking at Scott C "No dragon tails for someone to poke"
Something is running towards the party at regular 30 feet/turn movement
Bonnie "Two trains leave…"
Mike "Make a Perception check"
Lee "And realize its pointless"
The bard and wild mages turn Invisible to approach the Yuan-ti lair
Lee "Team Invisible"
Jim "Team Low Hit Points"
MC is going to cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter
Lee "I like the alternate spell; Tasha's Hideous Sister"
Discussing attacking with Fireball
Scott M "I'm a firm believer in 'No bombs back to the hangar', we should use Fireball"
The Yuan-ti priestess is is talking to the party
Jim "Paint me like one of your French snakes"
Lee "Let me stop you sweetheart"
Bonnie "Uh oh, mansplaining coming in"
Jim's character pulls the concealed map out of his shorts
Scott C "Step one, cut a hole in the map…"
Discussing weddings and honeymoons
Scott M "Take a trip to Rawanda"
Caite "Isn't that the country in Black Panther?"
Alicia "This is going to be like the tinderbox comment"
All of Marcus' early rolls have been very low, he finally gets a modified 10
Jim "Welcome to double digits"
Discussing the guard alcoves in the tunnel before the main doors
Scott M "This tunnel has the Alcoves of Doom"
The barbarian runs to attack
Mike "I see Scott charging up like Adam Sandler in Water Boy"
Marcus' druid is going to cast Moonbeam
MC "Moonbeam? Do you turn your back and drop your pants?"
Scott's rogue makes a wavy motion to indicate he sees yuan-ti
Scott M "There's snakey people"
Bonnie "He's going to do the worm?"
Jim "I don't have any tequila"
There are six yuan-ti in a blood sauna, Jim is running Lee's character since he couldn't make it
Jim "Lee is jumping up and down with his hand in the air going 'Can I cast Fireball? Can I?' "
In the workshop overgrown with toadstools, Marcus makes a high Nature skill roll to identify them
Scott M "You are one with the mushrooms"
They find a sealed bronze jug, Caite thinks its like the basket snake charmers keep their snake in and offers to play the flute to charm the snake if there's one inside
Mike "What flute? A skin-flute?"
The party is battling the yuan-ti lich and are braced for serious casualties, but the monster goes down easier than expected and everyone is surprised
Marcus "He's dead Jim"
Looting the lich's treasure room, they recover all the puzzle cubes, but that means they need to go to the final temple for the artifact
Jim "Your treasure is in the other temple"

Waterdeep Dragon Heist
The Missing Fop
One night at another game, we were discussing new characters and the Demiplane of Dread, which is basically Ravenloft
Kevin "That looks like the most excellent place to vacation"
Discussing various guilds and organizations, including the Blackstaff’s enforcers
Jim “The Brute Squad!”
The author Volo is talking about his next book, which will be about ghosts, etc
Jim "Is it going to be bigger than Tobin's?
The shit bar’s barkeep was talking about upcoming repairs
MC “Indoor plumbing; it’s going to be big”
Mike “Its a pipe dream”
<mass groans>
Mike “Chmiel’s not here”
Barakiel knocks out a Kenku with the pommel of his sword
Lee “He has little birds going around his head”
Michael “He has people instead”
Jim “While he’s beating up the bird…”
Mike “Is that what he’s doing?”
Lee “I’ll be in my bunk”
Lee “Do you buttstroke the bird?”
Mike rolls a 1 for a skill check
MC “You know nothing, Jon Snow”
The first round of combat starts
Lee "Yay, murder, death kill, murder, death, kill"
Checking the enemies, the dwarf is completely dead, but the human might be saved
Kevin "He's only mostly dead"
Trying to remember the name of a pub, someone suggests 'Green Dragon'
Kevin "All pubs are named the Green Dragon after you've had enough drinks"
The inn Volo offers them is the Trollskull Manor
Jim "What, did Skeletor move out?"

Side Quests
Discussing sleeping arrangements, standing watches, sleeping armored versus unarmored. Jim isn't worried about sleeping in armor since his character has lots of offensive and defensive cantrips.
Jim "I'm the most dangerous when we're buck naked"
Mike "Do you hip thrust when you cast Eldritch Blast?"
All the 5E books have silly disclaimers inside, Jim found the disclaimer in Volo's Guide to Monsters
"Disclaimer: Wizards of the Coast does not vouch for, guarantee, or provide any promises regarding the validity of the information provided in this volume by Volothamp Geddarm. Do not trust Volo. Do not go on quests offered by Volo. Do not listen to Volo. Avoid being seen with him for risk of guilt by association. If Volo appears in your campaign, your DM is undoubtedly trying to kill your character in a manner that can be blamed on your own actions. The DM is probably trying to do that anyway, but with Volo's appearance, you know for sure"
Lee's response?
Lee "Truer words have never been committed to the page…"
Ordering from a Puerto Rican restaurant, Lee chooses Bistec Encebollado, but Mike can't pronounce it
Mike "I'll have the Bistec Ence… Encephalitis"
MC "I don't always get encephalitis, but when I get it, I get it twice. Dos Encephalitis"
Chmiel "Hobbit porn is big"
Kevin "Halfling, not hobbit; do you want to get sued?"
Lee "Halfling hairy foot fetish"
Chmiel's character meets Volothamp Geddarm
Chmiel "What Scandinavian metal band did he get kicked out of?"
MC was drinking 1911 brand hard cider and called it "911"
Mike "It tastes like jet fuel and sadness"
Chmiel "You have to drink two at a time"
<mass groans>
Chmiel "Too soon?"
Discussing porn, and a British version of Bang Bus in a taxi
Mike "Its a double decker bus
Lee "Bang Bus 25, Double Deck Her"
The party has been invited to a local opera, but needs to go outside of town on a monster hunt
Kevin "We'll go after we recover from our hangovers, because we'll need to drink to get through the opera"

Explosion in Waterdeep
MC mispronounces "Gloom Stalker"
MC "Gloo.. Stalker"
Lee "Glutin free Stalker"
Recapping the previous session
Lee "Recap isn't bad for all"
MC gulps her wine and looks startled
MC "I thought you said 'rehab' "
Talking about Chmiel's black dragonborn avoiding the police
Michael "Can't see <my> color if I'm Invisible"
One of the witnesses is named Jesryn Hornraven
MC "Sounds like a pornstar name"
Lee "I gave her the Hornraven…CACAW!!"
There was an absolutely huge run of gnome puns, mostly from MC with a few from Chmiel. For a while, every comment from MC had a gnome pun in it. I'm only including one
MC "Can I give you my cellgnome number?"
At the bookstore quest, we got off an a tangent about the Ghost Cats of the South book by Randy Russell.
Jim "He was only the co-author"
Kevin "He had a ghost writer"
Another witness describes a man injured by the blast, who limped away
Mike "Look for him in Crippletown"
MC "Bang Bus 26, Handitown"
A NPC hits Orie with two attacks and MC protests
Jim "Its part of your pun-nishment"
Another NPC misses Harker with two attacks
Kevin "Come at me Bro!"
The nobleman has a mustache with curled up ends
Callum "He's either going to commit or solve a train murder"

Passing the Stone
Trying to recall if anyone has heard the name of the Zhentarim contact
Lee "You can't remember"
Kevin "It's like a dream"
Discussing spells and abilities to use to interrogate the prisoner
Michael "I can cast Friends"
Lee "Friends, the well known torture spell"
Mike "I can cast Color Spray"
Jim "Taste the rainbow"
Kevin "You cast it in my mouth"
Chmiel "Your character doesn't know what my character is thinking, I barely know what I'm thinking"
The Harpers are concerned dopplegangers are infiltrating the city
Jim "We just need a hot wire and some blood samples"
Mike "Flu shot clinic at the Yawning Portal"
The Harpers will forward information to Fenriz
Mike "I will be happy to receive it"
Callum "I bet you will…"
The party tracks the construct to a closed booth in the market that sells turnips
Chmiel "That's a strange turn-ip of events"
Mike asks MC to get the charger cable for his bluetooth speaker, said it was in the cubbyholes next to the bed
Lee "Bang Bus 27 Cubbyholes"
Lee is looking at the overnight snow forecast
Lee "Oh geez, another 5-10 inches?"
Chmiel "Is that all you can handle?"
Discussing the plural form of agenda; agendas, agendi?
Lee "Agendi sounds like some kind of japanese porn"
Listening to Volo's grandiose description of Waterdeep's city cemetary, the City of the Dead
Chmiel "It sounds like Central Park, with dead people"
Fighting the duergar and debating if Fire Bolt will set them on fire
Kevin "I think everyone knows dwarves are flammable"
Jim "They're soaked in whiskey"
Discussing Valder healing Fenriz and making sexy massage jokes
Jim "I'm not going to give you a 'Happy Ending' "
We asked for the name of the bakery
Lee "Yeast Affection" (Which was the real name of a business Lee's friend owned)
Trying to figure out how strong the halfling's skeletons are
Michael "Did the skeleton take a beating?"
Kevin "Well, he's not bleeding"
Every time the party finds someone who had the Stone, they've already lost it to somebody else…
Jim "Let's talk to the halfling and find out who he gave the Stone to"
Discussing ordering Greek for dinner, one of the restaurants was Vasili's Express
Lee "Bacillus Express? I'm not eating there"
Mike was telling a story about MC slipping and landing on a fire hydrant like she was going to shove it up her butt
Jim "Bang Bus 28 Hydrant Sodomy"
Fenriz yells out the fleeing kenku is a child rapist
Mike "A dingo ate my baby"
Lee "Kenku at my baby"
MC "Bang Bus 29 Kenku raped my Baby"
Orie is going to cast Hail of Thorns, but MC couldn't remember the spell name
Lee "Spray of Thorns?"
MC "HAIL of Thorns. I don't ejaculate on my victims"
Discussing prisoner interrogations
Michael "When I get to level 6, I can rip their soul out and talk to it"
Mike "That's very Spawnly of you"
We were watching a comedy video about Gilbert Godfried as the voice of a meditation app. When the Stone starts to talk to Barakiel…
Callum "Can we use the voice of Gilbert Godfried for the Stone?"
Lee "More like Bobcat Goldthwait"
The party needs 1,000gp worth of gems to open the vault.
Callum "I'll write a check"
The Stone says they need a unicorn to open a vault, but some kind of statue would work. Mike (?) suggested the statue's horn could be an e-cigarette
Lee "The Vaping Unicorn, the douchiest tavern in Waterdeep"
We had a lot of side stories, several about going to strip clubs for stag parties and such
Jim "We need to find a strip club in Waterdeep"
Callum "You're telling me the Pink Flumph isn't a strip club?"
They kill the drow and search him
Lee "You find his pistol"
MC "That's cool"
Mike "The pistol is his penis"

Side Quests Revisited
Jim got a good look at the cover of the book, and noticed there was a hooded, purple skinned character with a left hand gauntlet/metal hand
Jim "Are we fighting Thanos?"
Lee explains all the people on the cover are linked to the characters' quests
Jim "It's a bad thing when your campaign enemy is on the cover of the module"
Going over with Kevin what the characters need to get into the vault: a beholder or gazer eyestalk, a unicorn or a representation of one, and 1,000gp in gems
Kevin "We need money to get into the vault? Is this a Nigerian vault?"
Fenriz's sidequest takes them to a potion maker named Skeemo Weirdbottle
Jim "Sounds like a professor at Hogwarts"
The potion maker sounds like Gollum, or maybe Renfield
Jim "Remind me to come back here later and burn this place down"
Michael's character is trying to talk to the waitress he thinks is a doppleganger and the whole thing has had a pedophile vibe
Lee "Do something creepy"
Mike "Grab her by the pussy"
Lee "Buttstroke her"

Under the Pink Flumph
Fenriz picks up the unicorn sculpture
Chmiel "We're not going to walk around town with the unicorn"
Kevin "No, we should totally do that"
Chmiel "Oh, okay"
Tetsuo is questioning the halfling stagehands aboutt their motivations and Lee is getting annoyed.
Lee "They did it for the nookie, the nookie, so you can take the cookie and shove it up your ass"
Lee hates having to come up with random NPC names, and he's already had to provide a bunch. The party comes to the hallway with the stars' dressing rooms
Mike "Are there names on the doors?"
Lee winces…
Michael is asking the Stone questions, Lee mimes shaking a Magic 8 Ball
Lee "Ask again later"
A cloud of darkness explodes out of a crack in the wall
Chmiel (?) "We fight it with happy campfire songs"
Lee "I pull Huey Lewis out of my Bag of Holding and harness the Power of Love"
Talking to the dragon-dwarf
Lee "You could be a bunch of petty thieves"
Jim "Petty? It's not like we're smuggling bobble headed geisha dolls"
The treasure pile is mostly coin, but a few gold pieces of art and such as well
Jim "We robbed Gringotts!"
Mike "And you know how well that worked out"
Bugbears, a drow, a gazer and a grell approach
Kevin "I'm tired of these floaty ball things; they're annoying"
Lee feels his villains always get killed before he uses their best attack, so he's going to lead off with a heavy attack
Lee "I'm going to blow my load"
MC "So glad we could excite you"
Mike "Why is the drow masturbating?"
Valder heals Orie for 10 hit points
MC "Ten points to Gryffindor"
The party gets a finder's fee for the gold, over 7,000gp each
Michael "I want hookers and magic weapons"

Buying Leads
(We had two hours of dinners, unfocused rambling, GoT/Endgame discussions and lots of random nonsense. So I barely wrote anything down- Jim)
Chmiel buys a magic greatsword for his character
Chmiel "Now I can attack with a plus NINE!"
Lee "I might have raised the price if I had known you were going to say that"
Callum is making a new character, a wizard
Jim "What kind of wizard?"
Michael "Wait until you hear…"
Callum "A necromancer"
Jim "Great…"
Callum "Is that bad?"
Callum's necromancer is Chaotic Neutral
Jim "What's your next character going to be?"
Lee asked Callum if he had a backstory
Callum "He's a hermit"
Lee "That's your background, not your backstory"
Callum "It had the word 'back' in it"
Barakiel bought the wizard's tower he was trained in and Mike started all kind of penis/tower jokes
Mike "Look out; he's got a tower"
Lee "The tower is my penis"

Jim's The Expanse Delve
Cupbearer sample adventure
The crew has been hired to find the runaway heir of a wealthy merchant family
Lee "He's in a shower, covered in spores"
Mike "Nothing says happy birthday like the protomolecule"
Mike is playing Casey as a flamboyantly bisexual transgender
Mike "I'm straight Navajo, emphasis on ho"
Discussing the Texan accent prevalent on Mars and Mike is trying to do a Texan drag queen voice
Lee "Two things come from Texas; steers and queers and I don't see any horns on your head"
The money rules are totally abstract, you have to make an Income roll to be able to afford something
Mike "I tip him one Income"
Lee "Sounds like a bad movie about aliens pretending to be humans; 'I would like to purchase this, I have one of your Incomes' "
The brothel is middle of the road, not a low dockworker's place or a fancy high society whorehouse
Lee "Its the Olive Garden of brothels; you could bring your family here"
Michael's character keeps asking about the age of NPCs and looking for younger people who might know Kai, Mike makes him sound like a pedophile
Michael "I'm not R. Kelly, okay?"
Jim "I've been thinking that all along, but didn't want to say it"
Handing in stunt points after the brothel scene
Mike "I was going to do one more thing"
Lee "One more hooker"
Michael's martian doesn't like skinny belter girls, he likes Earth girls
Jim "Maybe he's a throwback"
Lee "He's a chubby chaser"

Jim's Cortex/AGE Disloyal to His Own campaign
Lucifer's Remains
Handing out XP chips at the beginning of the session and reminding Lee and Mike that blue chips can be given to other players to reward them. Lee and Mike immediately look at each other and hand across their two blue chips to each other
Jim "Fuck you both"
Mike "We're off to a good start"
Jim "You got the GM to say 'fuck' and you haven't even rolled any dice yet. You haven't even said 'buttstroke' yet"
Lee is talking about how his math skills help his character's gambling skill
Mike "So you're Rain Man"
The SLJ bar is a Samuel L. Jackson themed bar. The drinks are named after his movies and movie quotes
Mike "Is there a Royal with Cheese?"
Jim "That's on the pub menu"
Lee "The number of Mother Fuckers is how hot the food is. 'I'll have a Hotdog on a Plane with five Mother Fuckers sauce' "
Jim "But only four Mother Fuckers on the loaded fries"
Looking at all the cargo the scientists bring aboard
Mike "Space suits, sensors, explosives, Tex-Mex food"
Jim "Those last two might be easily confused"
Matty is looking for sex, but wants to pick someone up, not go to a whorehouse
Lee "But the girls in the brothels are probably clean, the dockworker chicks are loaded with space syphilis"
Jim"Spyphilis. Our first space joke"
Lee "Spyphilis, Sperpes"
Jim "Don't forget Sponorrhea"
Mike "Spamydia, SpAIDS"
Solo and the grad students go to Last Breath belter bar in the zero g section of the space station
Lee "This place is going to have the best nachos"
Mike "Everyone is wearing leather"
Lee "If I see more than three OPA neck tattoos, we're out of here."
After the bar brawl, Solo throws money at the bartender
Lee “Sorry for the mess”
Discussing the theory the Asteroid Belt is the remains of the planet Lucifer
Lee "The most metal planet ever"
How to handle bad maintenance rolls
Michael "The reactor is smoking, I'll just open a window"
Under attack by the pirate ship
Lee "If we ram them, I think we can kill them"
Lee had a sugar rush from a cupcake MC got him for his birthday
MC "I have Humalog on tap"
Lee pulls his hockey jersey half over his head
Lee "I am Cornholio!"