Goblins At Goldenfields

The party arrives at the farming city of Goldenfields, Iados and Skamos meet them on the last leg of the journey. They pass through the gates and ask for a good inn, the guardsman directs them an inn owned by Miros Xelbrin, who is conveniently the man they are looking for. They find the inn, turn their horses over to the stablehand and go inside. Miros is tending bar and welcomes them and offers them a round of the local beer on the house. Sir Conlan negotiates for dinner and rooms and pays out of their funds. They see some of the locals, including a wizard, Naxene, who is assigned to the town from Waterdeep as a guardian, Miros has a crush on her. After dinner, Sir Conlan delivers the letter to Miros. Then the party explores the town a little; Sir Conlan, Skamos and Valfir stop at the local temple to Chauntea to pay their respects, Talak tries to look up the guard captain. At the temple, they meet the local abbot and overhear one of the younger acolytes, Li Ziang, complaining that the town guards are slacking in their duties and the abbott brushes her concerns aside. They hear stories about a "walking tree" in the forest plot in town, but don't see anything when they go looking. They return to the inn and most of the party joins the crowd in the common room for the evening's entertainment, a local halfling bard plays all night.
In the middle of the night, they are awakened by a disturbance. They go outside and find the halfling bard from the inn wailing about goblins. Miros and some of the other townfolk from the inn accompany them. They force the bard to show them the way and the party encounters a group of goblins and bugbears, lead by two ogres. Talak, Valfir and Sir Conlan attack while Skamos, Iados and Astrid throw spells. The monsters attack with bows, javelins and big clubs. An ogre charges Astrid and hurts her, Sir Conlan strikes him with Thundersmite and knocks him away. The first group of goblinoids are slain, Miros and some of the town folk take the bard to the temple to sound the alarm bell. The party heals some wounds and moves forward towards the town gate. They encounter the "walking tree" and it joins them. They find another raiding band and engage them also. More attacks and spells, including a Fireball from Iados that scorches Talak and Skamos uses Call Lightning. Valfir stuns and captures the last survivor, a bugbear, and ties him up. The party and local allies head back to the center of town to roust the guard and get the rest of their gear for the next battle.
Alone now, the party heads out of town across the fields. They meet Vincent and his two new companions, Erza and Alaric, who just arrived in town and they join the party. They spot another mixed warband of goblinoids headed for the wall and give chase. Before they can catch the goblins, two hill giants climb over a low spot in the wall. Judging them a bigger threat than the fleeing warband, Sir Conlan orders them to attack the giants. Skamos uses Call Lightning, dropping a bolt between the giants. Valfir dashes up and strikes the giant several times and Vincent uses Crown of Madness to force one giant to attack the other, the rest of the party hits the first. But after they have struck it several times, the giant collapses and begins to cry like a toddler. Alaric tries to talk with it, it blubbers like a two year old. While the rest of the party fights the second giant, Alaric and Vincent try to convince the giant to leave, it babbles about being sent for food by someone named "Gahk". Talak goes looking for a cow. The second giant is slain and the first is still being stubborn about not leaving without taking food, even if they offer to give it some food if it will leave the town. Concerned they are wasting tie while others are in danger, Sir Conlan kills the giant and they loot the bodies. The party heads for the wall to see what is going on.
As dawn lightens the sky, they see boulders fly up to strike a guard tower on the wall and the guards are shooting over the wall. The party hears a twanging noise, then a rising scream. From over the wall, a goblin appears, flying through the air on a ballistic arc. Wearing a spiked helmet, it lands in the center of the party, striking Iados and killing both him and the goblin. They check Iados for any signs of life, Skamos is enraged by his brother's death and they rush to the wall. Climbing the wall, they behold a bizarre sight. Ogres are wearing catapults on their back and they are launching goblins over the wall. There is a single ogre and a group of goblins nearby, but a long way down the wall is a larger group of ogres and goblins and some hill giants. The party opens fire on the nearby ogre and goblins and sweep them away in a wave of arrows and spells. They charge along the wall towards the larger battle. There are guards on the wall, but the goblin missiles and giant hurled boulders are taking a toll. A lone wizard fires a Lightning Bolt at the giants. When the party arrives, they go to join the guardsmen on the wall. Sir Conlan hands Talak his crossbow, Erza grabs a bow from a fallen guardsman. Vincent again uses Crown of Madness on a giant, Astrid casts Shatter on an ogre and the goblins around it. Unable to find a guard officer, Sir Conlan reports to the wizard; it is Naxene, the Waterdeep wizard assigned to help guard the town. She asks them to fight this group, she will take the guards and see if there are any more attacks going on. Sir Conlan agrees and picks up a longbow and arrows from another fallen soldier and joins the party on the wall. While the thrown boulders and catapult goblins do fearsome damage, their accuracy is low. Bolts and arrows fly, Skamos strikes a giant with Guiding Bolt and Astrid lays down multiple Fire Bolts. After all the goblins are used as missiles or dead and most of the ogres and giants dead, the wounded survivors break and flee. Naxene and her men return and confirm the attack is over. Skamos heals the wounded with almost the last of his spells and a few of the party climb down the wall to loot the bodies. When they return, the town guard captain finally shows up and Sir Conlan confronts him. He gives some lame story about coordinating defenses and informing the town council and Sir Conlan gets in his face and rips him for his cowardice and the captain flees. Vincent and Sir Conlan heal some of the wounded guards and the party returns to their inn to rest. They ask the local temple to recover Iados' body for burial.
In the evening, they meet with some of the local officials. Rumors of the guard captain attempting to take credit for the victory lead to Sir Conlan threatening to duel him and the council dismisses the captain. Skamos decides on what he wants to do with his brother's remains, the party is given supplies by a grateful town. They buy a wagon to carry the coffin and supplies. Naxen asks they go to Waterdeep if possible to look for a dragon expert named Chazlauth. Since dragons hate giants, maybe he knows a good dragon who could be recruited to help defend the town. Acolyte Li Ziang gives them a black pearl necklace and asks them to deliver it to her family's manor in Waterdeep for a reward. The living tree tells them his creator was a druid who later left town and traveled towards the Shadowtop Cathedral.
With several reasons to go to Waterdeep and now with money from the bad guys, the party has a conference. They still have their contract with Morak to deliver his letters to Triboar and Bryn Shander, that is their first priority. But Waterdeep isn't far and that would allow them to take the main road north to Triboar instead of cutting cross country to the north road. They decide to return to Waterdeep for supplies and Iados' burial.

Silly Quotes and Smart Remarks
Kevin is looking at his character's spell list
Kevin "It looks like it says 'Steer Storm', but I think its supposed to be 'Sleet Storm' "
Lee "As per usual, I worked on it after hockey"
Jim "That would be a cool spell; cows rain down on your enemies"

Callum "Can I have a Cloak of Flying?"
Lee "Yes, because that will do half my work for me"

Michael is playing an overexcited monk
Kevin "Can you detect traps?"
Jim "Yes, when I push him into them"

Making a History skill check
Kevin "I got a one, do I die?"

The town guard captain is a half-orc, and all the local NPCs assume Callum's half-orc must know him and it comes across racist
Michael "All half-orcs know each other"

The temple has guard bears
Michael "I hug the bear"
Jim "We lose more monks that way"

At the inn, Sir Conlan retires early for prayers and caring for his weapons
Michael <makes quotation marks with his hands> "He's 'polishing his blade' "
Jim "I saw that"

Talking about the battle and how a round is only six seconds
Callum "We killed eight people in six seconds"
Kevin "Well, they looked at us funny"

Kevin's character casts a spell and drops a bad guy
Kevin "I like to do a 'one shot, one kill' policy"

Emily wasn't at the game, Kevin texted her that her character was hit by a javelin
Emily <text> "Are we at the Olympics?"
Lee "Well, the streets of Rio were pretty dangerous"

At the beginning of session two, we had a recap for new players and people who missed the last game
Chmiel "Matt was murdered"
Matt "I got better…"

Matt talking about his bard
Matt "I am the Dragon Whisperer"
Jim, points at Mike J "He's a dragonborn"
Mike J "Don't whisper in my ear"
Matt "I like scales against my skin and the ones with forked tongues"

Fighting the hill giants, when the first one is severely wounded, it falls down and cries like a baby
Chmiel "What a bitch giant"

The town is under siege
Lee "You hear a twanging noise"
Chmiel "Damn, its a country band"

Matt "History is written by the victor"
Lee "Who is this Victor and why is he writing history?"

The ogres have backpack catapults lor launching kamikaze goblins
Chmiel "Its wearable tech, part of GoogleSiege"

Erza picks up a short bow and arrows from a fallen guardsman
Chmiel "Sometimes I ride the short bow"

Chmiel was using a mini of a pig farmer, someone suggested he was encumbered by the pig it is carrying
Lee "Enpigered"

Vincent uses Cutting Words on a giant
Jim "Your mother was an ogre!"

Talking about a used record store
MC "It has the most swagalicious lounge"

The incompetent and cowardly town guard captain shows up and tries to take credit for the battle and Sir Conlan verbally blasts him for his cowardice
Jim "My paladin has a problem with local government"