Game Shop Sketch

The Game Shop
Based on The Cheese Shop Sketch from "The Instant Monty Python Record Collection"

(A customer walks in the door.)
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Game Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Squadron" by Michael Stackpole, and I suddenly came over all geekish.
O: Geekish, sir?
C: Nerdy.
O: Eh?
C: I want a game!
O: Ah, a game!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little role-playing will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Stackpoling activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some imaginative entertainment!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy an RPG.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the muzak!
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
O: Sorry?
C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
O: So it can go on playing, can it?
C: Most certainly! Now then, some games please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little Star Wars?
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Star Wars, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Cyberpunk?
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it
from the warehouse on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, Shadowrun, if you please.
O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
C: 'T's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Call of Cthulhu?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Savage Worlds?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today, the van broke down.
C: Ah. Legend of the Five Rings?
O: Sorry.
C: Traveller? Star Frontiers?
O: No.
C: Any Boot Hill, per chance?
O: No.
C: Gamma World?
O: No.
C: Paranoia?
O: No.
C: Toon?
O: No.
C: Werewolf?
O: No.
C: Jovian Chronicles?
O: <pause> No.
C: Pathfinder?
O: No.
C: Mekton?
O: No.
C: Rifts, GURPS, Delta Green, Blue Planet, Earth Dawn, Torg, Stormbringer, Mouse Guard?
O: No.
C: Dark Heresy, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have Dark Heresy, yessir.
C: (surprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's…ah…it's a bit dark…
C: Oh, I like it dark.
O: Well…It's very dark, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither the Dark Heresy!
O: I…think it's a bit darker than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how fucking dark it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh…! <pause>
C: What now?
O: The cat's shredded it.
C: <pause> Has he.
O: She, sir.
(pause)
C: Dresden Files?
O: No.
C: Vampire?
O: No.
C: Top Secret?
O: No.
C: H.O.L?
O: No.
C: Villains and Vigilantes?
O: No, sir.
C: You…do *have* some games, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a game shop, sir. We've got—
C: No, no… Don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, Pendragon.
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have that!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Pendragon, that's my name.

(pause)

C: Space: 1889?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: Uuh, Prime Directive?
O: No.
C: Runequest?
O: No.
C: Conspiracy X?
O: No.
C: 2300AD?
O: No.
C: Eclipse Phase?
O: No.
C: Serenity?
O: No.
C: Twilight: 2000?
O: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Aah, how about Dungeons and Dragons?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca—It's the single most popular role playing game in the country!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: <slight pause> And what IS the most popular game 'round hyah?
O: Scion, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this town.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh… Scion, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir… nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a game shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by books….
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Dark Conspiracy, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be….
C: Have you —SHUT THAT BLOODY MUZAK OFF!
O: Told you sir….
C: (slowly) Have you got any Dark Conspiracy?
O: No.
C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
O: Yes sir?
C: (deliberately) Have you, in fact, got any games here at all?
O: Yes, sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: No sir. Not a page. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
O: Right-0, sir.

The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.

C: What a *senseless* waste of human life.