Death Star Janitor

(Inspired by the Setup Wizard's April Fools' Day post. And I know it's not an original idea, but these are mostly my own jokes- Jim)
(Note 2- In an effort to make this run longer, I took out some posts that refer to events in Episode IV. They'll be back… Jim)

Day One
Join the Imperial Navy they said. Travel the galaxy, visit new worlds. We can find a place for you and your skills. Apparently my skills have brought me to this place. I am Able Spacehand First Class Val Kilis and I am a janitor on the Death Star… #imopfortheemperor

Day Two
Apparently this thing is bigger than an admiral's ego. Talk about your tax credits at work. I had a meeting at quadrant headquarters this morning and didn't realize I needed to make three transfers. I should have left last night and found a bunk somewhere out there. #ashuttlewouldhavebeenfaster

Day Three
Seriously? How did dianogas get onboard? This thing was built in space, did they ship in some sewage to test it ahead of time? I requisitioned a blaster pistol, I don't think this will be the last I see of them. #iveseenenoughhentai

Day Four
Some of the off duty crew discovered the primary air shafts are big enough for all kinds of illegal sports, like skydiving and speeder bike racing. The problem with doing things like that illegally is no one is looking out for scheduling conflicts. Or should I say, collisions… #cleanupintubethree

Day Five
I got called out for what I thought was a routine plumbing problem in the VIP section that could have been much, much worse if I hadn't spotted the pump that was rigged in reverse. #darklordoftheshit

Day Six
What happens when there isn't a problem? You mop floors. One of the lieutenants told me to start in one of the main corridors and go until I got to the end of the hallway or my shift. I had to take a turbolift back to punch out. #walkedtocoruscantandback

Day Seven
Speaking of the turbolifts, if you're heading for another quadrant, you're going to be stuck in a can for a long time. How about fold down chairs? Maybe some music since we're not allowed personal devices on duty? #nottheimperialmarchplease

Day Eight
I knew it!! Stinking dianogas jumped me at the waste treatment storage tank on level 17. We were cleaning the tank wearing hazmat suits so I couldn't bring my blaster, not that firing it would have been a good idea. Gar crushed one with the prybar we used to open the tank hatch, the other got away. #theyregettingbigger

Day Nine
Found somebody's still in a crawl space below a block of quarters. Since it was blocking an accessway, we had to remove it and dispose of the product as a hazardous substance. It wasn't bad with sunfruit juice… #drinktotheemperor

Day Ten
Somebody needs to speak to the Navy's Bureau of Personnel about staffing on this thing. I haven't seen a female of any kind. We better get into battle soon so we can take out some of this frustration on the enemy. #blueballstothewallboys

Day Eleven
Great Galaxies! We just jumped into hyperspace! I thought this was a base, I didn't know it was ship! Wait a minute, we're getting stiffed on our pay, we should be collecting a bonus for shipboard duty. #gruntsgetstiffedagain

Day Twelve
I tried complaining to my lieutenant about the pay and he told me it was a battle station, not a ship. And I'm on extra duty for complaining. Thank you, Leftenant. #quiteastickuphisass

Day Thirteen
Gotcha, you little bastard! Trapped a small dianoga in a can today. As much as I want to get rid of it, I have a better idea. Heading to the tank feeding the officer's toilets… #squatonthisleftenant

Day Fourteen
Okay, it's a space station, battle station, mobile planet wrecker, whatever. Is there some reason the architects of this monstrosity couldn't have arranged for all the decks to be orientated the same way? I leaned out an access hatch and fell to the deck that I thought was a wall. Ouch. #judgesgavemeafive

Day Fifteen
Yes, sir? A dianoga in your toilet? Are you sure, sir? I'm sorry, sir, you should see the medics; their bites are terribly dirty, lots of infections from something that lives in sewers. We will get to it as soon as possible next shift. No sir, we are tending to an issue in the flag officers' sauna, the admiral was quite insistent we take care of it before he got off duty today. Yes, lieutenant, as soon as possible sir. #thatsgonnaleaveamark

Day Sixteen
I did not see that, I did not see that. I did not see the Imperial Moff in charge of this giant metal ball of terror wearing house slippers with his uniform. Going to go mop floors now. #fuzzyslippers

Day Seventeen
It was bound to happen sooner or later, and I'm not surprised it happened to me. Somewhere on this thing there had to be a sewer line mis-marked as a clean water line. Thankfully, I had a moment's notice to close my mouth and turn my head. Well, that will be a little extra work cleaning up. #ipityourlaundrydroids

Day Eighteen
I have to admit the chow here is pretty fine for military food. It would be even better if the servers had boobs. Besides Senior Cook Daraay. Not interested in his. #nottheboobsyouarelookingfor

Day Nineteen
Finally, a lucky break!! I made 50 credits last night betting on the MSE droid race the computer techs run at the engineering bay on deck twelve. #alwaysbetonred

Day Twenty
Okay, it's not the emitter panel, there must be a short in the wiring feeding that light panel. Let's get in the crawl way and check… BLOODY HELL, MYNOCKS!! #goodthingihadmyblaster

Day Twenty-One
Yes! One of the electronics techs sliced into the video system to make a pay per view channel. He's got a bunch of new holo dramas and such uploaded. He's talking to the droid techs about broadcasting the MSE races. #deathstartv

Day Twenty-Two
Do droids go space crazy? I came around a corner and found at least a dozen MSE droids spiraling around in two concentric circles going in opposite directions. It was like some kind of dance. When they saw me, they bleeped and scattered. #droidmatingdance

Day Twenty-Three
Gar mentioned over lunch that if you look at a picture of the station and squint, it looks like a grey boob. We really need some shore leave… #theyshouldhavebuilttwo

Day Twenty-Four
Stormtroopers have no sense of humor, so we decided to start lightening their days. We rigged a superfast paint sprayer with a "kick me" stencil. #noperipheralvision

Day Twenty-Five
Apparently I have been a little too verbal about my hatred of dianogas. Someone pranked me with a fake one made out of coiled springs and rubber hoses in my locker. Fortunately they took the charge pack out of my blaster pistol or I might have been in big trouble. #laughnowwhileyoucan

Day Twenty-Six
The magnetic containment field across the hangars holds in air, but not ships or anything else that hits it hard enough. Like a MSE droid that gets too close to a rotating deck buffer. #droidoverboard

Day Twenty-Seven
Hold on Gar, I'm coming!! Ha, take that! And that! Yeah, you better crawl back into your hole you stinking tentacle sack! C'mon Gar, seal that hatch and we'll get you down to sickbay. #newsheriffintown

Day Twenty-Eight
Got sent down to one of the vehicle bays to help with a chemical spill and discovered there's Army troops aboard too, with their own support units. So we've got Navy (us), Army (them), Stormtrooper units (neither us nor them and we're all fine with that) and a Grand Moff in charge. Did we leave anyone out? Everyone aboard the giant metal space laser boob. #wheresthemarchingband

Day Twenty-Nine
I don't like MSE droids. They're annoying, not too smart and always underfoot. But I wouldn't try to flush one down the galley waste disposal. That was quite a clog, I was surprised that droid still works. #neededthebigplunger

Day Thirty
I'm serious about the conflicting artificial gravity thing. Again, some designer didn't pay attention to a line crossing a grav boundary and fluid pooled where it shouldn't have. And by fluid, I mean sewage. On a positive note, Leftenant Stickupmyass was inspecting work teams today and got caught in the shit spray too. And gave us all extra duty for failing to keep his uniform clean. #itwasworthit

Day Thirty-One
Okay, that's weird. Wherever I go, the MSE droids stop and yield to me or line up until I pass. I feel like they're saluting me. #hailthesaviour

Day Thirty-Two
I heard there's a FEMALE prisoner aboard. A YOUNG FEMALE prisoner. A HUMAN YOUNG FEMALE prisoner. Bet those codpieces are going to be tight. #onemillionerections

Day Thirty-Three
I had to mop piss out a conference room chair. Either it was a really long meeting or someone literally had the piss scared out of them. #ifindyourlackofbladdercontroldisturbing

Day Thirty-Four
So we just came out of hyperspace at Alderaan. A beautiful planet, with beautiful scenery and I'm sure some beautiful women. And hopefully some easy ones. Did we get shore leave? No. We blew it up. Damn it. #amillionwetdreamscriedout

Day Thirty-Five
What do you get when you pack a station with bored soldiers armed with weapons that have stun settings? Yep. Supply cleared a cargo hold out, then put in empty containers to make an indoor battleground. Accounting is signing up teams and taking bets and the techies are going to broadcast the playoffs on the secret pay per view channel. #lasertagleague

Day Thirty-Six
Like any military device, this thing's parts were built by the lowest bidder. Including my bunk frame, which broke in the middle of the night and dropped me to the deck. At least it didn't break off completely and fall on my roommate, probably would have killed him. #fallingasleep

Day Thirty-Seven
Did you know you can reduce the artificial gravity in a turbolift car so it feels like an amusement ride? Did you know it's normally best to do that kind of thing late at night? Did you know Lord Vader has lots of insomnia and no sense of humor at those times? Due to attrition, I am now Petty Officer Third Class Kilis. My first duty is to assign someone to clean blood out of a turbolift car. #thedarksideisaharshmistress

Day Thirty-Eight
What the? A shoot out in the prison block? There's a dozen dead at least here. What? I'm a janitor not an undertaker, sir. Sir, yes sir, I will help load the bodies for transport to the morgue. Hmmm, grenades.. #bringoutyourdead

Day Thirty-Nine
Rebels snuck on board in a captured freighter, rescued the female prisoner and escaped. That took balls. So glad our fearless stormtroopers were able to stop them. #bigbrassones

Day Forty
Did you know if you stick a grenade in a side of nerf meat and throw it at a dianoga, the stupid thing will swallow it whole? Did you know the blast radius of a dianoga that swallowed a grenade? I didn't either. #nowido

Day Forty-One
What do mean we're under attack? Who in their right mind would attack the giant metal space laser boob of terror? <explosion really too close> Damn, we're losing air! Get in that escape pod now! #theybetterpickusupafter

Day Forty-Two
We managed to eject in a lifepod and fortunately were far enough away to survive the station's explosion. A Rebel fighter flew by and pointed us towards a moon with survivable conditions, he's sure the fleet will come investigate the loss of the station. They would take us prisoner, but they're a little busy evacuating their base and don't have room to spare for prisoners. In the meantime, I guess we're off duty. #valkilissigningoff

I had a few ideas for Val to be assigned to Vader's Super Star Destroyer:

So because of my Death Star experience, I have been assigned to a command ship, the Executor. I hope that's not how her commander solves problems. #dontwantabadperformancereview

Somebody is compensating for something. First it was regular Star Destroyers, then the giant metal space laser boob, now we have Super Star Destroyers. Do you think we could take some of these tax credits and bribe the Rebels to stay home and shut up? #theshipismypenis #giantmetalspacedick

It's not as bad as the Death Star, but I still have quite a commute to my duty station. #ifiwalkmyshiftwillbeover

Really. You just had to kill someone right there in the middle of the deck. Now I got to mop up shit in front of the new admiral. Whatever happened to spacing people? #wetmopcleanuponthebridge

(I was rereading these and had a few more)

We're going to attack the secret Rebel base? Fantastic. Last time we tried that, I ended up on a jungle moon for a week, waiting to be picked up. #notthebestvacation

Damn, that was a big hit, are we under attack? They took THE FLEET into an asteroid field to hunt Rebels? Isn't that what fighters and escorts are for? You know, SMALL ships… #collisioncoverage

When they say bounty hunters are scum, they're not kidding. We had to mop their path all the way back to the landing bay. #wipeyourdamnfeet

Well, I have to admit it's a pretty planet, but a gas mine isn't my first choice for shore leave. #pricesareskyhigh

The Rebels got away again?! Wet mop team to the bridge on standby… #welosemoreadmiralsthisway

What the hell is that? It sure looks like another Death Star! Well, I'm sure nothing will go wrong since the first one was such a big success. #throwinggoodmoney

The bridge is GONE? That's what they get for putting them in the open. The captain's corpse can go down with the ship; crewmen, we are LEAVING!! LIFEPODS, NOW!! #herewegoagain