D&D Game Quotes

Blood Dawn
It Began in a Tavern...
Jim suggests MC be party leader
MC, to boyfriend Mike "That means, wench, you must get me more Cheetos!"
The adventure hook is cast before the players
JoAnne "Amazingly, we didn't see the sign for the railroad"
MC's character was tired and failed a Constitution check to remain alert
MC "I am not constitutionafied enough to make decisions"
JoAnne fails a Strength check climbing down the wall
Jim "You fall and take a point of damage… to your pride"
Chmiel's mage throws a flask of oil at the enemy wizard and gets a direct hit
Jim "The mage is fully involved"
[[[Matt]] "He's like a Buddhist monk"
The wizard burns to death
Matt "50 Shades of Well Done, 50 Shades of Pink Inside"
Matt's bard sings his battle song…
Matt (Beauty and the Beast song voice) "Nobody sings like Dastan!"
…but is paralyzed after only one round of providing a bonus to the party
MC "You know what battle song stands for? B.S."

Orc Ruins
Kimi's druid Wylie has a pet owl
Kimi "I use the shit from my owl to slick my hair back"
The party can smell the orcs' cook fire
Chmiel "What are they cooking?"
Mike "Meth"
Trying to learn something about the ruin's history
Mike "Can you do something with your bardiness?"
Matt "Do you want to know about drinking or whoring?"
Matt spills coffee on his character sheet
Matt "NOW its a character sheet"
Matt's bard goes down
Natasha (singing) "Nobody dies like Dastan!"
Chmiel (singing) "Nobody fries like Dastan!"

Urban Predators
Discussing vampire mythology
MC "Can I roll my Sam and Dean Supernatural knowledge?"
Chmiel "Its trickle down economics; as the blood trickles down…"
Mike "When there's something strange in the neighborhood"
Matt "We can stage a stake out…"
Matt "NPC stands for No Party Cares"
Matt casts Vicious Mockery on a werewolf
Matt "Your mother was a poodle and you smell of kibble!"
Matt "We must be on a subway; we're getting railroaded underground"
Clare grapples with the werewolf
Jim "Grab it by the scruff of the neck"
MC "I think that's why Latin is a dead language"
Jim "Because of werewolves?"
The werewolf botches his saving throw versus the bard's Suggestion
MC <drag queen voice> "Oh my God, you're gorgeous. I could just chew you into little bits"

The Lorothim Letter
The first hour or so was nothing but dick jokes and a lot of gnome puns. Not writing that down
Matt and Chmiel led the pack on dirty jokes
Chmiel "Why do we go to the same dark, dirty places?"
Jim "Because you're both dark, dirty people"
Matt's bard keeps missing
Jim "The pointy end goes in the other guy"
Lots of bad rolls, one good dick joke
Natasha "I feel like we're just waving our dicks around, no one knows where to stick it"
The party captures the bandits' horses
Matt "Meat's back on the menu boys"
Roskva is doing her fortune telling schtick
Chmiel "You will meet someone tonight, he will be… (rolls friend/foe die) a foe. He will come from… (rolls direction die) the East"
Jim rolls a weather die "It will be partly cloudy"
Matt does a nice fake fortune
Matt "I'm not just telling fortunes, I'm weaving fates"
Trying to follow the bad guys' tracks, but no one has tracking skill
MC "I have Intimidation; I'll intimidate the trail into telling us"
Matt's texts are legendary. Not in a good way…
Mike "It's like reading the DaVinci Code"
The paper mini design for one of the bad guys was a bald human fighter with a huge red mustache. He was referred to as "Mustachio" and "Gingerstache"

Rescue from the Drow
Talking about meeting celebrities and paying for autographs at a recent convention, including the midget from Pirates of the Caribbean
Mike "He should have been half off…"
The survivors are negotiating with the "new" characters
Jim "I feel like this is like playing Munchkin; 'I will help you rescue your friends for two treasures' "
Discussing the new characters
Mike "We picked the handicapped table"
Chmiel "They did come in on the short carriage"
The reinforced party heads to the drow cave
Jim "What's your plan?"
Chmiel "We get a giant wooden badger…"
Jim "Thank you Kevin" Kevin is usually the first one to make the wooden rabbit/badger joke from Monty Python during a planning session
Matt casts Strength of Stone
Chmiel "You didn't have the stones before"
Matt casts Rockburst
Matt "Rocks fall, driders die bitches"

The Road South
Matt is talking about his dwarf
Matt "I lift up my shirt and its all hair"
Jim "Your beard grows into it"
Kimi "Just like real life"
Still talking about his dwarf
Matt "Its okay; I've got a giant shield"
Mike "Well, its a normal shield but its giant to him"
MC "So he's compensating"
Attacking the ogre camp at night
Mike "I don't want to die in the night"
Jim "You want to die in the morning?"
Mike "Bad things happen in the night"
MC "I've grown up to be the eco-terrorist I've always wanted to be"
At the beginning of the second session, reviewing the plot and that they are on the way to the city of Ifoss
Ryan "Ifoss my teeth"
Chmiel "Ifoss-ter small animals"
The townsfolk claim a witch led the ogres
Matt "She turned me into a newt"
Chmiel "I'm the only witch here and I'm a good one"
The party trails the witch to a deserted farm house
MC "Can I lick the walls?" Everyone was confused "To see if they're candy and figure out what kind of witch we're dealing with"
Evard's Black Tentacles spell erupts in the middle of the party and they are grabbed by the spell tentacles
Matt "I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going…"
MC rolls a Perception check and rolls a 19 when she wanted to roll low
MC "I rolled with the wrong hand; I went lefty instead of righty"
GM's note: With my players penchant for offcolor references and dick jokes, I knew what was coming as soon as I said "Lamia". But that monster fit my requirements perfectly. So…
Mike "She's a labia"
Chmiel "You ran your sword through the labia"
Mike "We gangbanged the labia in the corner"
Kimi and MC's characters did the most damage
MC "Takes a pussy to kill a pussy"

On the Hunt
Kimi finishes one of the monsters
Kimi "I killed one!"
MC "I think I killed three…"
Kimi "Did you just humble brag?"
Kimi "Suck my big barbarian labia"

Ifoss Intrigues
Chmiel "We should get lunch in Elftown"
Chmiel's mage is playing fast and loose with Charm Person spell and leaning towards evil
Jim "I'm going upstairs to get the first campaign folder and have Joram the cleric spank your mage"
Going out at night to visit the whorehouses for information
Matt "I wear my purple cloak"
Jim "Is that your pimpin' cloak?"
Chmiel's mage hires a prostitute for the evening and heads back to the party's inn the next morning
Mike "You better clean yourself first; all the alley cats are following you like a can of tuna"
Discussing a Ring of Protection
MC "That's a chastity belt"
Looking for an inn
Chmiel "Gspot would be a great name for a cafe"
Ryan "But no one would be able to find it"
MC "No man would be able to find it"
Chmiel "We go looking for the Artists' Quarter- Hipster Town"
Undead attack the party
MC "There's no hobbits here, we don't have a ring"
Discussing various ways to check for traps
Matt "Cure Moderate Wounds works as a trap finder in hindsight"
Discussing weight versus bulk of characters crossing a rope bridge
Matt "I'm very dense" <general snickering>
MC rolls poorly
MC "Fuck balls!"
Kimi's barbarian is interrogating the prisoner
Kimi "I want to bite his ear off"
Matt and Jim "Okay Mike Tyson"
Kimi "Who?"
Discussing vampires' weaknesses
MC "Steaks, particularly porterhouse"
A masked and hooded dark figure backstabs Roskva
Jim "He looks thiefy"
MC "Covfefe?"

Down to the Sea
Ryan's character has an Ebony Fly Figurine of Wondrous Power
Jim "It grows to the size of a pony"
Kimi "That should be a horse-fly"
Someone asked what the fly's name was
Ryan "Frank"
Discussing the voyage across the ocean
Ryan"How long will the trip be?"
Matt "A three hour tour"
Discussing Kimi's barbarian, Matt was confused about the differences between 1st and 5th edition versions
Matt "Don't you have rage?"
Kimi "Every day of my life…"

Consult the Oracle
By chance, three of the party concentrate their attacks on one harpy
Matt "Fuck that one in particular"
Ragnar is ill after being stabbed by the harpies' javelins
Matt "I got the dwarven flu"
Ryan "How much did you drink last night?"
Which lead to a discussion of what Matt had in his bar
Kimi "SoCo, breakfast of champions"

Minotaur's Maze
Discussing where and what kind of barbarian tribes live in the north
Kimi "I'm 6% scandinavian, so I'm practically a viking"
Talking about minotaurs
Matt "Needs more cowbell"
Jim "You are at -1 chips"
Since minotaurs are solo hunters and generally live alone…
Kimi "How do minotaurs mate?"
Jim "When a male minotaur loves a female minotaur very much…"
The dwarf is a little behind on his hygiene
Jim "JoAnne's elf hands you a bar of soap"
Matt "I look at it, then take a bite"
When the party was in the inn, my background soundtrack was playing festival music. Later, some similar music came on
Kimi "We picked up a CD from the bard at the inn"

Young Gamers D&D
Tomb in the Woods
Michael "Hey, I button my chainmail ALL the way up"
Michael, in character "So how did you come by this information?"
Chris "I was eavesdropping"
Konrad, after his character uses his quarterstaff "I need to stretch, I haven't been using my staff lately"
Jim "I'm not going there"
Konrad "No! Platonic love, just man loving man…" He stops and thinks "I'm never going to live that down"
Jim starts to write down Konrad's comments.
Konrad "Don't post that!"
Chris "Would the skeletons have anything <to open the door>?"
Jim "Like a skeleton key?"

Island Artifact
Lee's cleric, as the sahuagin attack the boat "Curse you back to the fishy depths from which you came!!"

Gnolls Stole My Baby
Lee's cleric casts Wolfjaw, which changes his left hand into a snarling wolf head that bites enemies:
"Its like a big, dangerous puppet"
Andrew's paladin is called "the Meat Hammer" after a battle where he cut off his opponent's arm and beat him to death with it…

Trying to figure out what to do with paralyzed characters
Michael "I pour my drink on him"
Jim "Now he's unconscious and smells like whiskey"
Michael "That's me every Friday night"
Lee "Since people are hurt, we'll need your healing potions"
Callum "I didn't buy healing potions, I bought Cure Poison"
Lee "That's even better"
Callum "But I wasn't poisoned…"
Andrew "I can Lay Hands on myself and heal me, right?"
Lee "And people say touching yourself is bad…"
Lee "Shouldn't we send the elf to scout? The paladin's armor is clanky"
Jake "What?!"

Andrew (NY fashion designer voice) "So what are the ogres wearing? Are we talking loincloths? Jogging suits? Ooh, natural fibers?"
Jim "Animal skin kilts, so PETA isn't happy with them"
Lee "They say don't wear chainmail after Labor Day, but we're making it work"
Callum kept hitting, but rolling lousy damage
Lee "If your goal was to antagonize your enemy instead of killing him, you succeeded brilliantly"
Lothar casts Holy Smite
Lee "Tyr says 'Boo-yah!' "
About the magic rings
Callum "He went to Jarred's"

Jackal Tomb
Chris's wizard did Find Familiar and got a snake
Jim "Do not use your snake as a thrown weapon"
Callum is trying to choose a better rolling die
Lee "There's all kinds of d20s in there, pick a pretty one"
Lee about his war priest, Lothar "It's more important to smite the enemy than coddle my party"

Vampire Citadel
Callum rolls a natural 20 to break a door lock
Lee "You slay the door"
The party finds the vampire's empty coffin
Michael "I cast…"
Jim "Everything on my list?"
Lee "I'm immune to fear anyway because I'm awesome"
Discussing the risks of casting the Polymorph Other spell on friends
Lee "Important safety tip, thanks Egon"
Callum "So we would act like we're on bath salts?"
Lee "Let's consult the Book of Tyr. Chapter one; kill them all. Chapter two; kill them all. Chapter three, kill them all and give glory to Tyr. Chapter 4; eat a good meal before battle.

Hydra Island
Trying to decide if they want to trust the smuggler the local Thieves' Guild suggested or find another
Lee "So this adventure isn't about how we found a boat, let's take this one"
Callum rolls a 100 for his ranger to make a lean-to using his 90% Survival skill
Lee "Worst. Ranger. Ever"
Callum is trying to figure out if he could make a trap
Lee "You can build a lean-to"
Jim "And have it collapse"
Jim "You open the chest and find a medallion. Oh, and a note from someone named Regulus Black"

Prisoner Rescue
The first hour, everyone was rolling high teens on their d20s, but they needed low rolls for Perception checks
Jim "I really need to get you guys into combat"
Mike "Yeah, but with my Perception rolls I'll be like 'Look, a squirrel'."
Planning the attack, Chris admits his mage didn't memorize Invisibility
Michael <disbelieving> "You don't have Invisibility?
Jim takes back an XP chip from Chris
Jim "Lee isn't here, so I'll say it: Worst. Mage. Ever."
Mike rolls a 20 for Direction Sense
Mike "See? Squirrel."
Michael "It was a glorious battle, with lots of blood"
Jim "Mostly yours"

Hunting Liartians
Lee "Evil is bad for tips"
Lee is making a percentile roll and gets a "100", which is a botch
Jim "Now you know how Emily feels"
The party fought some ghouls and they kept rolling poorly for damage
Lee "These ghouls are going to die the death of a thousand cuts"
Jim asked Valencia her character's name
Valencia "Clancy"
Lee "That doesn't sound evil"
Trying to hide out and pretend to be beggars to escape some guards
Mike "We should have pretended to be prostitutes"
Michael "I cast Command"
Jim "What do you say?"
Michael "Sit"
Lee <facepalm> "And roll over?"
Lee "We have three options: go back to the pub…"

Valley of Betrayal
Splitting up the party, some to talk to the town guards, others to question the refugees at the inn
Lee "I'm on Team Tavern"
Andrew "You can't spell Lolth without LOL"
Lee "Bards are the only class with a weapon designed to kill them- the bardiche"
Andrew "You run into the room and play Justin Bieber and the monster will suicide"

Basilisk Cure
After the players rolled new hit points from leveling up
Michael "I have plenty of HP now"
Jim "I can take care of that"
Describing the townsfolk as depressed, even though the Spring festival is imminent
Andrew "Maybe they're Sabres fans"
Meeting the female druid
Andrew "Your name wouldn't be Poison Ivy, would it?"
Looking for troll ash at the alchemist's
Michael "The hipsters smoked all the troll ash"
Callum "What's the <blast> radius of Fireball?"
Lee "Too big"
Discussing who needed help in the battle
Michael "As long as the cleric is alive, I can heal other people"
Lee "As long as the bard is alive, I can compose a eulogy for the cleric"
Michael rolls 4d4 for a healing spell and gets 4 1's
Lee "Worst. Heal. Ever."
Setting fire to the trolls
Lee "Fire! Fire! Fire!"
Talking about princess who was turned to stone
Michael "She has rock hard abs"
Andrew "They were taking the duke's daughter for granite"
Lee "We should go to the Church of Tyr and see if we can get a new priest"
Lee is joking about the bard composing a song to his new sword
Jim "When the bard starts calling the sword "my precious", its time to cut him off"
The bard's play list:
1. Deathblade
2. Kill the Troll
3. Blood Glass
4. A Mother's Tears
5. Over the Mountain
6. Love, Reign o'er Me
7. Banditos
8. Rock of Ages

Dwarven Gold
Lee "I have the druid <version> Detect Magic, not illusionist"
Mike "It's organic"
Lee "I use free range components"
Michael "I'm going to turn you into a frog"
Mike "You'll turn yourself into a frog"
Jim "You couldn't turn a tadpole into a frog"
Chris "How long does the potion last?"
Jim "At least an hour"
Lee "Plenty of time; you'll be dead by then"
Mike "I am a man, a man elf" looks like he's thinking about continuing, then stops.
Everyone laughs
Jim "You're awful close to calling yourself something else"
Lee "Ingot? Isn't that a night table from Ikea?"
Lee's bard charms the claustrophobic wild mage
Lee "Relax wizard, don't be sad, caves and passages aren't that bad"
They find a pool of water in the caves
Mike "I go swimming in my elf bikini"
Glowing fungi line the cave walls and since Lee has been joking about his bard analyzing everything by tasting it, Jim asks if he wants to eat some
Lee "I don't want my poop to glow, but that would be cool"
They have recovered the gold and the remains of the lost dwarves and everyone but MC wants to explore more. They run into a flock of Volts and get whupped on
MC "No one ever listens to the woman, just like in marriage"

Into the Forgotten Realms
Looking at her equipment list and misreading Ring of Protection
Valencia "I thought it said Ring of Prostitution…"
The townspeople are suffering from attacks by trolls, three townsfolk have been eaten
Andrew "How many times have I told you, don't feed trolls"
Alan has a Wand of Shelter, it casts the Leomund's Secure Shelter spell
Andrew "It's like Motel 6 on a stick"
Gyles casts the Wolfjaw spell that turns his left hand into a wolf head that can bite opponents
Michael "If my Wolfjaw drank water, I would get water on the elbow"
Discussing troll dietary habits
Jake "Can trolls get constipated?"
Looking at the wizard school's material components storeroom
Michael "These are for them spellcasters"
Jim "I didn't realize your cleric was Southern"
On the way out of the dungeon, Clancy again runs across the magical walkway. This time Valencia fails the roll and Clancy falls 60 feet, breaks her leg and is almost eaten by a Carrion Crawler
Everyone "WORST. THIEF. EVER!"

Minotaur's Maze
Michael asks if Lee's bard has a harp, because he has a spell that lets him replay harp music
Lee "No, harps are the bass of medieval bands, he's the one no one pays attention to. You have to be the guy out front with a lute"
Discussing the effects of the minotaur's raids
Lee "Property values are dropping"
Jim "Almost as bad as having a meth lab next door"
Lee "The minotaur is cooking meth in the mountains"
Mike "Heisentaur"
Got off on a side note about the Random Prostitute table in the DMG
MC "Many whores? I thought we were looking for minotaurs"
The party finds the tracks of a large reptile
MC "Does anyone speak Parseltongue?
Talking about Callum's bad dice rolls as a ranger
Lee "I am a leaf on the wind"
Jim "If by that you mean he's going to get a spear through his chest, yes"
The party is ambushed by a giant beetle and the ranger is the only one surprised
The bard Jables sings a battle song
Mike "Is it a Beatles cover song?"
The monster in the pool attacks Ryz with two tentacles and drags him under water
Lee "I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going"
Trying to escape a monster's attack, the wild mage casts Nahal's Reckless Dweomer and shapes the surge into Alternate Reality. So Jim has to reroll the attacks. The mage is still attacked and in trouble, but takes 4hp less damage on the first turn and 4hp less on the second turn.
Lee "I lost 4hp just listening to that"
The characters are drawing cards from the Deck of Many Things and someone said "What's the worst that could happen?"
JoAnne, from upstairs <shouts> "You did NOT just say that!!"
After the epic debacle with the Deck of Many Things
Jim "I've said it before; I don't kill player-characters, players kill characters"

AD&D Bad Hand
Sea of Worlds
Lee is making up his new druid and looking for character artwork, all the female druids have big boobs
Lee "There's something about being a druid that gives you huge breasts"
Jim "When last we left our band of adventurers, there were more of them"
Lee "And they had more clothes"
Lee's druid is a fanboy of his missing bard Jables
Lee "I was in a tavern and heard the most sublime music…"
Jim "Then Jables came on"
The cleric Gyles is all in for fighting evil, regardless of the pay
Michael "Evil gives me a hard on"
Mike "I'm not bunking with him, you go to your room and take care of that"
Lee "He'll be in his bunk"
The party is rolling very poorly for combat and worse for damage when they do hit
Michael "He's going to die the death of a thousand cuts"
Lee "I got a tattoo once that felt like this"
Talking about swimming in the hot springs
(Chmiel and Natasha stood in for Michael and Lee)
Chmiel "Want to see why they call me a wood elf?"
Jim "You are at -1 chips"
The dungeon I used was lots of curves and very alien, but my drawing on the white board looked like a bad anatomy sketch
Jim "Now you're leaving the prostate and travelling down the urethra"
Gyles' clothing and gear disintegrates including the bandages and sutures in his first aid kit, but not the needles
Chmiel "I look like a naked junkie"
Talking about how much Chmiel likes to say "Nein!" for nine and we made jokes like "8+1" instead of saying nine or "Chmiel+1" for ten
Jim rolls a nine for damage against Sya
MC "You Chmieled me"
Jim "Sounds like a war crime"
Chmiel "It was very be-nine"
Jim "-2 chips"
Jim texted Lee about the powers of the Shrieking Staff, Lee misread it
Lee "When I first read that, I thought it said "goat" form. Worst. Staff. Ever."

Troubles on the Road
Talking about still travelling to KG's castle that he got from the Deck of Many Things
Lee "You have a castle, but it sells hamburgers"
MC "White Castle!"
Lee "Darwin and KG go to White Castle"
Gyles is making a tithe donation to his church
Lee "Official church looting"
Rolling initiative
MC "Chmiel" (She got a nine…)
MC "Can we figure out where the poison came from?"
Lee "It's Mexican poison"
Jim "Even if you save, you still get diarrhea"
The party decides not to stay at the inn after the attack
Mike "I'm going to rip them apart on Yelp"
The party squeezes into a lean to, five guys and Sya
Lee "I've seen enough German porn to know where this is going"
Lee fails his roll for Dispel Magic
Jim "It happens to 1 in 10 druids"
Jim is using cartoon paper miniatures from the Order of the Stick webcomic
Lee "Your NPCs are two-dimensional"
Jim "They're not worth the paper they're printed on"
Lee "They're sketchy"
Darwin casts Call Lightning
Lee "Don't fuck with the First Tree, Bitches!"
The battlemat slipped off the table, dumping all the minis on the floor
Michael "Earthquake, we all die"
Lee's miniature fell out of sight and we couldn't find it
Jim "You fall into a dimensional rift"
Lee "It's so cold and dark"
Darwin has been chatting up the female priest of Tyr, Gyles doesn't want her distracted from her duties
Michael "Tyr has a place for you"
Lee "In my bed"
Shadows attack Gyles, but he doesn't want to drop his Seeking Sword spell to turn them
Lee "What kind of cleric are you? I would have been like 'the power of Tyr compels you bitch' "
Michael asked if he could have turned them automatically, Jim relies he would have destroyed them with no roll
Lee "Worst. Cleric. Ever"
Darwin hits the wizard with 32 thorns from a Thorn Spray spell
Lee "He got the point"
Jim "Booo" takes a chip from Lee
Lee "It was a thorny issue"

One Man's Castle
The nearby town's name is Catun
Jim "Not to be confused with Catan
Lee "Why do they have so many sheep? And big piles of rock?"
Jim "I hear there's a lumber shipment coming in"
Talking to a local in Fin Panir about the castle's history
Michael "Is he trustworthy?"
Lee "We're not looking for that"
The castle belonged to an adventurer, Bruna Riffinsdaughter
Lee "She sounds… substantial"
Mike "Girthy"
Discussing how often Callum's characters are killed, usually due to his poor judgement
Jim "If Callum doesn't kill himself, you're doing something wrong <as a game master>"
Passing through the city of Fin Panir, where the High Lord's main temple and paladin academy is located
Lee "Can we get a paladin student for an intern? A work study?"
Lee "I'm going to drink holy water so if zombies eat my brain, they'll explode"
Michael buys potions of healing to give to other party members
Lee "A cleric buying healing potions? Isn't that like saying you can't do your job?"
Lee is still looking for a paladin student
Lee "Paladintern. I'm going to trademark that"
One last round of shopping
MC "Is there something I need? Can I roll a d20 to see what I need?"
Jim "Okay, shopping is over"
Michael "Do they have…"
Jim "Shopping is over!!"
The inn is the "Sweaty Dancer"
Jim "The sign is a pole dancer"
Lee "Everything's sticky and wet"
Mike "Moist"
Lee is considering shape changing into a bear for the battle, MC let off a string of puns. For example:
MC "That was a grizzly attack. It was possum!"
Mike's favorite death metal song title is "I Ejaculate Fire"
Jim "You should see a urologist"
Mike is drawing on the Battlemat for Jim
Lee "You're a ginger and left handed? Satan is in you"
Reminding Callum he got a deed to the castle from the Deck of Many Things, Mike and MC just bought a house
MC "House hunting is not worth it; the Deck of Many Things is the way to go"
Jim "Its a little fixer-upper"
The party found the garderobes and made monsters in the toilet jokes
Lee "Zombie Toilet; the new album from Cannibal Corpse"
Discussing flipping the keep
Callum "Victorian, not Roman sconces"
Jim takes XP chips back for bad jokes, MC thought she was safe because she didn't have any
Jim "I've given people negative points"
Lee "You're in the chiphole"
Rolling for surprise when zombies attack in the basement, Callum's ranger actually succeeds
Lee "I sense the call of the wild"
Mike "I could build a hell of a lean to down here"
Callum cuts open a bag of chips with his case cutter from work
MC "The bus you rode to school, was it full size or short?"
Discussing needing new furniture for the keep
Lee "We'll go to Medieval Ikea"
Mike "Mikea"
MC kept pushing her dice into a mound, then having to dig through the pile for what she needed
Jim "You're mounding your dice again"
Lee "Mounting?"
MC gets up like she's going to straddle the pile of dice on the table
Jim "I see a new table rule…"
Callum mispronounces 'roulette' in Russian roulette and leads to a spate of dick/gun jokes
Lee "In Russia, gay pistol fucks you"
Michael "Does my healing touch have to be my hand?"
Jim "Yes, because I don't want it to be another body part"
Mike "I'm going to mushroom stamp you"
Jim "You need healing? Tea bag!"
Looking for temples in a small town, they find one to Tyr
Lee "Fucking Tyr's everywhere"
Lee "Elf piss smells like honey"
Mike "That's where honey nut Cheerios come from"
Michael "Devote yourself to Tyr"
Mike "Fuck that, then they got you every month"

Astral Rescue
Darwin casts Seek and receives a vision of Jables' location
Lee "I saw Jables and the good news is he's writing new music!"
Mike "My bard instrument will be the didgeridoo, or a triangle. No, a cowbell!"
Lee uses the Bandanna of Blending
Mike "Bandanna of Blending?"
Lee "I make great smoothies. With holly berries"
The captured githyanki officer was wearing Jables' old Cloak of Protection
Michael "I slowly undress him"
The rest of the party wasn't listening, they just heard Michael's comment "What?!"
Fighting the mind flayer, someone said "Why not Zoidberg?"

AD&D Secrets of Blackveil
The Far Coast
JoAnne "I'll trade you a swedish fish for a cookie!"
Jim "What is this, Snackfoods of Catan?"
Kevin "I use a sheep stomach full of marbles; its my haggis attack"
Kevin "Never bring a dagger to a hand ax fight"
Kevin "Monks don't teabag, but dwarves do."
Konrad "Plan B!"
John "What's Plan B?"
Konrad "Wing it!"
John "I thought that was Plan A"
Kevin had really bad rolls all night long. "I made my Perception, I can roll low, no problem"
Konrad "We have empirical evidence"
Konrad is talking about how bad his character looks, torn cloak and shirt with blood from stab wounds, tears from branches.
John "And your mascara is smeared"
John "I make the elf gesture" Holds his fingers up to his head as pointy ears.

Mountain Mystery
Jim, about a comment JoAnne made about Konrad's bard "That took the wind out of his sails"
John "He's a bard; his sails are self-inflating"
Side conversation about how Konrad's character in Matt's Cyberpunk campaign is always wounded but never dies "He's accident prone, but death proof"
John, about Michael's laid back character "The Druid abides"
Michael to Matt "What animal are you?"
Matt "I respond in Mole" (Gnomes can speak with burrowing animals)
Konrad "Mole..mole..mmmoooolllllleeee"
Matt is rolling Move Silently "01%!"
Jim "One is the stealthiest number"
Matt "I Hide in Shadows for fear of my life"
Mike, talking like a parrot "Aaack, dick move, dick move!"
John "Thank you, Iago"

In the Service of Death
Konrad "I feel like when Mike's samurai trains, its like the montage from Mulan"
Jim, talking about Matt's thief Jacques "Somewhere, a circus is missing their midget"
Emily stopped in after work and was playing with a sensor that plugs into your iPhone to make it a portable EKG machine (she's a veterinarian):
"I could shove it in my bra and use it as a heart monitor"
Kevin adding up his bonuses to hit a spell blinded gnoll "Unless Blindfighting <skill> gives me a bonus to attack the blind"
Konrad was very tired and almost fell asleep sitting at the table "I do max damage…to my bed."

The Journey North
John "Give me your finest rotgut"
Jim "Isn't that a contradiction in terms?"
Matt's Illusionist/thief gets a crow for a familiar. The familiar gives him extra hit points, but he loses double if it dies:
Konrad "Is your crow african or european?"
Matt "He's french: 'La caw, la caw, la caw'"
Kevin "Don't set your crow on fire; it won't be good for either of you"
Talking about material components for Jacques' Chromatic Orb spell and that diamonds can be used for any version of the spell:
John "So diamonds are a gnome's best friend…"
The party is travelling through an area of with the culture of scottish highlanders and had a discussion to be careful with fire spells or else:
Matt "You'll have a flaming, angry, scotsman"
Kevin "Sounds like a drink we have to make"
Konrad "They called my music 'faerie shit'…"
Konrad's bard Aldur doesn't want to enter the elvish necromancer's dark tomb:
Matt "Are you afraid you won't be able to see yourself in your mirror?"
Jim referred to a goblin warband as a gaggle. So there was a discussion, are there specific names for groups of fantasy monsters? John suggested a "stink of goblins"
Matt, about Konrad's character "I like him as a bard…I get to make fun of him"

Silent Forest
Konrad to Matt "You gnomes know your shit"
Jim "I'm glad you can speak so eloquently in character"
The party is talking about what the nomads may want to take as tribute for their passage
Matt "They say 'We will take your women' and I point to the bard and say 'You mean her?'"
Konrad "My lute is nicely polished"
Jeremy "You spend your time polishing your lute?"
Konrad "Yes, I have a special cream for it"
Everyone else smirks.
Konrad, to Mike, speaking very loudly like someone who thinks talking louder makes comprehension easier "Thank you very much sir!"
Mike, equally loudly "You are very welcome, sir!"
Drinking in the inn:
Kevin "I can't get cirrhosis, I'm immune to disease"
Mike "You don't understand my <code of> honor"
Kevin "No one does"
Talking about the outbreak of monsters in the forest, Konrad suggests it's something seasonal:
Jim "Are you suggesting trolls migrate?"
Matt "Are they african or european?"
Shopping for supplies in town:
Konrad "I look for good soap"
Matt "Its <made with> troll fat"
Jim and Matt, together "It regenerates and never shrinks"
JoAnne "Eeewwwwwwww"
Matt "Passing out drugs in the zen garden is bad chi"
Konrad "So is making sand angels"
Mike "Its words; more saki prease, spelled p-r-e-a-s-e"
Matt had terrible to hit rolls, against the second wave of ghasts he rolled 1,1,2,3. Konrad started having Jeremy roll dice for him:
Konrad "I'm outsourcing my die rolls"
Jim "That's fine, but if he rolls really well, he's getting the points, not you."
Matt "He's Druish"
Jim "Funny, he doesn't look Druish"
Attacked by Kech, which are demon monkeys
Matt "I'm looking for the Summon Tiger spell, so they can't attack us" referring to Tiger card in Poo: the card game.
Kevin "They're a bit bitey"
Kevin "I assume there's one I can hit?"
Jim "There's one chewing on your neck"
Kevin "That's the one"
Joanne "Mike is not making any sense"
Kevin "Standard"
Mike "Its my jokes bad"
Kevin "Noo….."
Jim "The gnome is wandering in the bushes"
Kevin "As they are prone to do"
Mike "I will make some tea"
Matt "I will have some"
Mike "I will put it in a sippy cup for you"

Lost in the Mines
Jim made John laugh uncontrollably with an old story about a player whose mage had a bat familiar. Whenever the mage needed a guano ball for the Fireball spell, he would grab the bat and tell it to poop in his hand…
Mike "Are there any proficiencies that would improve my character's honor?"
Jim "Etiquette, diplomacy…Neither of which you can learn from the wood elves"
Kevin "Ballroom dancing"
The party is looking at the enemy's tracks:
Jim "Just goblins"
Kevin "Except for this one elephant"
One of the hill giants spent almost the entire battle on fire:
John "He thinks he's a Fire giant"
The party has been sorely wounded, except for the gnome thief/illusionist who has been staying back:
Matt "I have 27 <hp left>"
Kevin "I'm going to shoot you with my crossbow"
The monk drinks a healing potion and Kevin rolls well, bringing his mortally wounded character almost to full health:
Kevin "Its like drinking meth."
Mike "DMs are the only people who can get away with beating their friends each week"
The party is looking for shelter:
JoAnne "I don't suppose anyone has the Leomund's Secure Shelter spell yet?"
John "Or Leomund's Bed and Breakfast?
Jim "The mine is gnomish"
John "That's why I didn't recognize it; inferior work"
The players interrupt Jim's description of the mines:
Jim "You interrupted the flavor text"
JoAnne "The text has a flavor?"
Talking about the mine's ceilings may be too low for humans, but these aren't since there needs to room for ore carts, etc:
Matt "We can make them taller, we use a stepladder. Because our real ladder left us…"

Blood Price
Discussing how Yurten was still turned to stone from the beholder
Lee "Save versus Moss"
The party is sent to get some of Medusa's blood instead of paying the wizard to restore Yurten
Lee "We need to hire a high level phlebotomist"
Michael "Can we just pay instead?"
Lee fails a Perception check "I found a butterfly"
All night long we were rolling nines, and we were explaining the various "8+1" and "3 squared" jokes
Lee "I rolled the square root of 81"

Sister Search
Talking about what to do with the Medusa's head from Blood Price
Mike "I'll wear the Medusa's head around my neck like Flavor Flav"
Mike "I was just thinking…"
Kevin "Well, there's your problem"
Matt "You'd be surprised how many rogues and scoundrels enjoy fine art"
Greywind Shapechanged into a mouse so he could ride in Jacques' pocket. We were discussing pulling him out and having him suddenly change into a bear
Matt "I'm going to stab you with my bear"
Kevin "What my associate is trying to say is…is it appropriate to offer a bribe?"
Matt's gnome has a lot of hit points and Matt made a joke about how it was hard to fit all his hit points into a small gnome
Jim "If we put him on the rack, maybe we can fit in some more."
Kevin "My only goal is to teleport out and leave you to whatever happens to you"
JoAnne "I am the only female"
Michael "We have the bard"

Hunting Necromancers
JoAnne was talking about knowing what Jim was up to
JoAnne "I've only been married to him for 10 years"
Konrad "Really? You're married?"
JoAnne "See? I was right; there are undead"
Lee "I prefer the term 'living impaired'"
Lee "Are you a wight supremacist?"
Kevin, after Giric is wounded "I'm down to the same number of hit points as everyone else, that sucks"
Lee, searching the tavern "Did anyone leave any cryptic messages on a cocktail napkin?"
Kevin "Why did he write 'Aaaarrggghhh'?"
Jim "Perhaps he was dictating?"
Konrad "I would like at least the illusion of choice"
Kevin "No, sorry; we lost our illusionist"
Kevin "Do we have a beacon?"
Jim "Its grail shaped"
Lee "Naughty, naughty Zoot!"
Talking about the Speak with Animals spell
Michael "Would big cats all use the same language?"
Lee "No, they're different dialects"
Konrad "I'm going to…"
Kevin "Sing your combat bonus song?"
Konrad "…run away"
Emily stopped in after work in time for the discussion of what to do with the dead necromancer's spell book
Emily "You can sell it on D&D-bay"

Speaker to Elves
Talking about Hiro sending money home to have his family commission a magic katana
Mike "Samurai aren't jedi, we don't make our own"
Looking for an inn, the samurai chooses poorly
Michael "That's a brothel…"
Discussing how high elves view wood elves, the term suggested was "Kentucky Elf"
Lee "PETN: People for the Ethical Treatment of Necromancers"
Trying to figure out what animals have 8 hit dice for the druid to Summon
Jim "Hippos have 8 HD. And they're amphibious"
Kevin "Its an amphibious assault vehicle. 'Oh no, they're gettinq away in boats!' 'No problem' "
Michael's druid is using a Summoned bear to try to intimidate a captured dark elf into talking
Lee "In Russia, bear interrogates you"
Mike "Is he afraid of poetry?"
Kevin "He's afraid of yours"
The bard circles the mezzodaemon to attack it
Konrad "I'm going to poke it from behind"
General laughter…
The samurai is trying to wrestle the mezzodaemon, but it picks him up and throws Hiro at Greywind
Mike "Do I count as a Quality weapon, due to my superior armor?"
Matt stopped in from his other game "You count as a sack of shit"
Making jokes about the druid being in bear form again
Jim, in Yogi Bear voice "Hey Booboo, the ranger is on furlough, lets go!"
Kevin "Killing demons is sticky work"
Lee "Especially when you cut them open to look for gems inside"
Mike "I can't turn into a squirrel <to spy on the queen> because I won't be able to pay attention: There's a nut! There's another nut!"
Kevin "I'm always interested in Potions of Healing because people around me are always dying"
The bard splashes the ranger with some elven cologne to help him blend in and listen to gossip in an elven bar:
Lee "I smell like sunshine"
And after not learning anything
Lee "I let myself be defiled for nothing"

Pierce the Blackveil
The party is travelling under heavy rain, which Jim comments should hide them from the enemy:
Kevin "Evil things hate the rain; I saw The Wizard of Oz"
The samurai is invisible, but was hit by a moredhel with two natural 20's in a row:
Kevin "We need to teach the samurai some evasive maneuvers"
After a Fireball spell hits the party and kills their horses and destroys a lot of their supplies, including the archers' arrows, JoAnne is trying to figure out if they can find the right kind of bird to get feathers from:
Michael "I can turn into a bird and you can pluck me"
The druid turns into a bird to scout the wall and is chased by some kind of miniature dragon which the ranger and monk kill:
Kevin "I don't want a zombie dragon bird coming after us later"
Michael "Those are not the friendly skies"
The party takes a wounded dark elf prisoner and is debating interrogation vs coup de grace:
Kevin "We can't kill him after we interrogate him"
JoAnne "No, as funny as it sounds, we have to kill him before we interrogate him"
So the NPC priest of the goddess of death takes the elf's severed head with him to do Speak with Dead
JoAnne "Ew!"
The ranger and monk are trying to sneak up on the enemy camp and doing poorly, Kevin rolled a 100:
Kevin "I think we should go back, because we are not rolling well"
The party is ambushed by a remorhaz:
Jim "A giant centipede bursts out of…"
Kevin "The druid?"
Lee "Necromantical superhappy fun time"
The invisible necromancer attacks the ranger from behind with Vampiric Touch:
Lee "Oh no, its not the wetwilly, its the necrowilly!"

The Sorceror's Isle
There was talk about different undead monsters, up to and including undead hydras and dracoliches:
Michael "That's why we talk about these things; so we'll be prepared"
Kevin "I'll be prepared…with my Teleportation boots of shinyness"

Jim "It makes Dagobah look like a pleasant place to visit"
Lots of comments comparing this to the Fire Swamp from the The Princess Bride and concerns about Rodents of Unusual Size
Kevin "All things considered, if a giant rat is the worst thing we can encounter, that's fine. Now a rat lich on the other hand…"
Konrad was getting caught up on what he missed:
Joanne "Its partly your responsibility to fix the wall"
Michael "And by partly, we mean completely"
Konrad "After all this BS, my hometown looks good"
Michael was going to cast Leaf Dagger but wasn't sure if he had one. Jim mimed unrolling a marijuana roach to get a leaf out of it:
Lee "You hit the guy and he feels mellow after"
The wave of evil passes over them and they talk about if animals might flee from it:
Kevin "Animals fleeing is okay, but if we see the rat liches running…"
Michael "You didn't renew your adventurers' liability insurance?"
There were too many good jokes following that line to catch them all, but I did hear some comments about automatic payment, etc.
Aldur has played the song to heal the wall:
Lee "Was it 'Just another Brick in the Wall'?

AD&D "The Warlord"
Altars of Dusarra
Chmiel "Do you have the book 'Minds of the Unknown'"?
Konrad "Is that Matt's autobiography?"
Konrad "What book? The Obamanomicon?"

Search for a Cure
Emily(leaving) "Have fun storming the castle" (she stopped in for a few on her way home from work)
Kevin "Monster Summoning is the gift that keeps on giving."

Kevin "I prefer a hireling that dissolves after battle"
Jim "There's a side road off the main trail"
Dave S "The sign reads 'Sidequest'…"
"She's got a case of the railroads"
"He died from a case of the railroads"
Matt did a great TV commercial style monologue about railroading in RPGs, for example; "Orcs in your basement? Sounds like a case of the railroads!"
Chmiel (referring to Jim's quick sketch of the battle): "It's a cave drawing of Matt's death"

City of the Dead
Matt "I wasn't drunk last night, I was roleplaying my character."
Matt had borrowed Jim's Leatherman to use the screwdriver to fix his glasses:
Matt "Oh my God, it's a perfect fit!"
Chmiel "That's what she said!"

Valley of Betrayal
Matt "I'd just like to point out that I'm not the one doing the juvenile thing."
The party was debating going through the dwarven mountains or around:
Konrad"Look what happened in Lord of the Rings, there was a balrog!"
Kevin "Yes, but just one…"
Matt, about his character's henchman dying "Dibs on his stuff, because I bought it!"
Konrad "Why do we have 80's porno music playing?" (It was the soundtrack for Ladyhawke)
NPC Leander accidentally shot Cyrus:
Chmiel "Tell your underling to be a better shot"
Matt "Yeah, make sure you kill him <Cyrus> next time."
Matt "Go Team Spaniard!" Matt & Konrad rolled the same initiative two rounds in a row.
Antonio is bitten by the giant spider-demon and makes his saving throw vs Poison:
Matt "Take that Science!!…<slams his hand triumphantly on the desk> "…and I broke my pencil."

Catacombs of Opal
Niels "He did not appear offensive, unless you include pointing, which is offensive but not usually harmful."
Niels "Whereupon I ran into the arms of your companion Cyrus, then we had a wonderful time at the bath house."
Matt as Antonio, reading his message to Jozan "I find myself in the company of the most interesting man I have met in some time."
Kevin "Besides myself."
Matt "I got you three bottles of wine."
Konrad "How much do I owe you?"
Matt "Nothing, its on the ranger."
Niels "I passed the fuck out of that check." (Natural 20 on a saving throw)
Niels "Oh my God, my cap has a feather in it." as the Hellcat plays with Flop like a kitty toy.
Chmiel (incredulously) "I killed a Beholder AND a Mind Flayer in one session!!!"

Storm the Castle
Niels "Men of my rank and character cannot become alcoholics, just eccentric."
Jim "Do zombies consider blondes to be empty calories?"
Kevin "Wizards always use the carpool lane, you can always summon something for the second seat."
Matt "The fortress is French, they'll never let us pass."
Chad "By the Mighty Phalus of Tyr!" picking on Konrad's cleric.
Chmiel "It's so nice to attack regular humans again." (They were mowing their way through a group of 1st level soldiers)
Kevin "They're much squishier."
JoAnne "What did you say? Cyrus the Inept?"
Konrad "I just don't want people interrupting us while we're trying to kill them"

Night Terrors
Jim "You know you're uptight when the paladin tells you to relax."
Konrad "How do you get blood out of suede?"
Konrad "Have you found Tyr?"
Kevin "Why, is he lost?"
JoAnne to Konrad and Matt "Is that the smartest thing to do?"
Ryan "They're not the smartest people."
Konrad after his Commune prayer "Have you ever been touched by a god in places you don't want to be touched?"
Matt "I've been to church."

Strike the Head
Jim "Go big or go home…in a box"
Chmiel "Can we do Leomund's Secure Treehouse?"
Kevin "Fireball don't care"

Under the Sea
Lots of Finding Nemo references, especially people chanting "Sharkbait, Sharkbait"
Jim to Konrad "For a priest, you have a serious alcohol hangup."
Jim to Chris, after his merman was floating paralyzed "A giant net comes down, scoops you up and drops you in the toilet."
JoAnne "PIRANHA Gun…"

AD&D Delves
Honeymoon in Opal
Chmiel "Eenie, meenie, mynie, mo, which bar should I go?"
Michael, John and Chmiel:
"Do they have organic goblin meat?"
"They have free range goblin."
"What constitutes free range?"
"They were wandering aimlessly when we killed them."
Kevin, about Mike's fighter being dumb "He's immune to mental attack, if he was hit by a Psionic Blast, he'd be like 'What happened'?"
John "Do they have sports in Opal?"
JoAnne "Yes, all the mage schools have Quidditch teams."
Michael "Is he swearing or reciting a poem?" about John's elf.
Jim "Could be both."
John "It's elven Haiku."
Kevin "So there's a tentacle?"
Jim "Two tentacles".
Kevin "Is there a way to backstab it?"
Jim "Ferengi; the kobolds of Star Trek."
Chmiel "Mine, mine, mine." (like the seagulls in Finding Nemo)
John "So you're a fighter/monk?"
Kevin "You're a funk"
Kevin "You can tell he's a priest, he doesn't have shit all over him"
Jim: "<The passageway> opens into a chamber"
Chmiel "The Chamberpot of Secrets"

Tower in the Woods
Chmiel "It's my seeing eye jaguar" talking about having trained attack animals.
Ordering food at the tavern:
Chmiel "Do you have sparkling water?"
Jim "I can add glitter."
John "You've got to try the elvenberry vinagrette. And no dwarven croutons."
Kevin, as the party approaches their goal "Its the Forest of Peril." (I considered changing the name of the the adventure to Forest of Peril. Maybe I'll save it for later…)
Discussing the Animal Summoning spell and that it only works on animals native to the area:
Kevin "If you were in the ocean, you could summon Kevin Costner; he's always there."
Michael's druid summons some bears:
Chmiel "Meanwhile, somewhere in the woods, a little blond girl is in the bears' house."
After killing wyverns and discussing trying to remove their poison glands:
Kevin "This thing is full of license plates and old boots."
They found a magic lantern:
Chmiel "I rub the lantern."
Kevin "That's what she said."
Jim "Its not a lamp.."
Chmiel "Genies can get lost and end up in other things. It could be a refugee-nie…" (Groan!!)
A trap smashes Chmiel's fighter against the wall on the dungeon stairs:
Chmiel "I just got bitch-slapped by the basement."

A Quest
Chmiel "Come to the Dark Side."
Jim "I AM the Dark Side."
Chmiel "It's only dark because its in your shadow."
Kevin "If we see a dragon, I'm going to Hide in Shadows."
Jim "Under your bed."
Kevin "Yes."
Matt stopped in with a rule question from his game across the hall:
Chmiel "What is the save vs. Hochadel?"
The druid shape-changed into an owl to scout and encountered a giant wasp:
Chmiel "We need a trebuchet with a flyswatter on it."
Chris stopped in to see what I was running and I showed him the monsters waiting for the party:
Chris "I applaud your creativity."
Jim, to his players "If you're not afraid, you should be now."
Kevin's thief throws an oil flask into the fire a group of goblins were using to roast a wild boar:
Jim "'You've got bacon on my goblins!" "You've got goblins in my bacon!'"
Michael "I cast Barkskin on my bears."
Mike "It's our armored bear division."
Kevin "They're bear tanks."

Kimi rolls an "05" on her thief's pickpocket roll
Lee "She stole his identity"
Matt "Eat a Snickers; you're not yourself when you're hungry"
The rival clan's name is Volenta
Matt "Anyone with a "v" in their name is evil; Voltaire"
Lee "Voldemort"
We forgot Vader…
Jim "Its a small town; no inn, no tavern, no brothel"
Matt "If they have a stable, they have a brothel"
Everyone boos and Jim takes back one of Matt's XP chips.
The party is disturbed by wolves howling in the night
Lee "That's no wolf, its the half-orc snoring"
The thief is following the raiders' tracks
Jim "You find boot prints from shoes that are finely made, not crude or…"
Kimi "Orcy?"
Questioning a prisoner
Kimi "Can we cut him open and read his insides?"
Talking about a called shot
Callum "Eyes: the groin of the head"

Lost Songs
Chmiel's wizard is chowing down on the excellent mashed potatoes at the inn
Jim "Are potatoes red or white wine?"
Chmiel can't decide if his elf is a high or a wild elf
Michael "You're a high elf jerk"
More potato commentary from Mike leads to
Jim "Sounds like Forrest Gump. Mashed taters, fried taters, taters with gravy…"
Natasha "Life is just a box of taters"
Chmiel "What do you call a skeleton on loaner? A boner…"
Jim "Can you afford to make jokes that bad with as few chips as you have in your hand?" Chmiel has been fined XP chips in the past for bad jokes.
JoAnne is considering sending her fox familiar to carry a message to their contact.
Chmiel "So JoAnne, what does the fox say?"

Oriental Adventures
Plague of Zombies
Michael "There's an order for everything."
Konrad "Are you tipsy?"
Matt "No, its my feng shui."
Konrad "Yes, I see you're swaying."
Michael "Ninja zombies?"
Konrad "My monkly wisdom says we shouldn't jump to conclusions."
JoAnne "So you have monkey wisdom?"
Konrad "Don't make me throw my poo at you"
Matt to Konrad (Matt picks up a jawbreaker candy) "This is the ball" (Matt drops candy on the table) "This is what you did."
Matt "I can shoot fire from my hands but you don't believe I talked to a raccoon?"

Naga Forest
<The players are making horse hoofbeat noises>
Jim "No coconuts!"
Chris "I don't have coconut skill."
Kevin "Ninjas always hide in the shrubbery."
John "Druid-Ninjas summon their own shrubbery."
<John's character delivers a huge amount of damage to a goblin rat with his tetsubo mace>
Jim "You smash his head right out of the park."
Kevin "Is he okay?"
Jim "The shukenja jumps out of his bedroll, strikes a pose: Kung fu!"
JoAnne "Who does he think he is, Madonna?"
JoAnne "Rats…why did it have to be rats?"
Jim "Because we already did snakes…"
<The party finds a vampire tree; its leaves attack them like flying leeches>
Michael "What kind of freaky vampire would bite a tree?"
Jim "A vegetarian."
Kevin "So the pearl is like a Twitter account?"

Oriental Adventures Blood Vengeance
The Secret Vault
Talking about how some of the characters are distantly related to the Emperor
Kevin "If 10,000 people die, I will be Emperor"
Matt stopped to buy wine on the way to the game
Lee "Ooh, fancy D&D"
Michael's character is the leader of his group
Michael "I am the monkey-king"
Michael kept messing up and saying things that indicated his character wasn't human
Michael "Hello human… I mean…"
Lee "Worst. Shapeshifter. Ever"
Rolling for initiative, most of the party had high dexterity and got very good rolls. Lee got a "9"
Kevin "Nine? Does it even go that high?"
We didn't have a healer, so Jim put in an NPC Shukenja. Which turned out to be a good thing, two characters would have died
Kevin "Otherwise it would be so hard carrying these bodies around"
Discussing writing secret notes, they couldn't be a ninja note
Matt "Secret Samurai sticky notes?"
Talking about how hard it is for Matt's fire magic specialized wu-jen to study
Jim "I tried to read magic, but…fire…"

Naga Tomb
The party is in town between adventures, drinking and gambling
Kevin "As long as its honorable drinking and gambling"
Matt "I need oil"
Jim "Mineral, motor, flaming or personal?"
Lee "You want flammable, not flaming"
Matt "It can be gay; we don't judge"
Lee "That's flamboyant oil"
Lee "So it turns out there were no monsters"
Jim "It was just old man Jenkins from the next village"
Matt "We insist you commit seppuku"
Kevin "That would really improve the endings of Scooby Doo episodes"
Jim "There are Nagas"
Lee "Can we skin them for naugahyde?"

Bandit Town
Lee's tattooed monk got a new tattoo, Crab
Michael "How do you activate it, do you have to make a crab sign?" <holds up his hands like crab pincers>
Lee "Where should I put it?"
Callum "As a tramp stamp?"
The party has two NPC samurai henchmen
Lee "Can they have red armor?
Kevin "I think we should try to kill him in the most honorable way"
Michael's shapeshifter is in hybrid form
Lee "It's Bigfoot!"
JoAnne "You look like something from Planet of the Apes"

Night of 1000 Screams
Looking at the map, with numbers marking the important sites, but the answer key removed
Lee "I want to go to number 11"
Jim "That's convenient; its the prison"
Lee donated more money to his order than Callum
Lee "I out monked you"
Matt's wu-jen casts Strength on Lee's monk
Lee "Did you see me kick that demon in the head?"
Matt "You're welcome for the spell of cheating"
Part of the party is camped outside of town. Chris' wu-jen was looking for spell components but we didn't know that when he said:
Chris "Are there any sheep here?"
General laughter
Matt "Rokugan, where men are men and sheep are scared"
Chris "Can I get some wool?"
Jim "Do you have brick or wood to trade?"
More laughter
Doing haiku
Matt "The demon attacked,
The monk was quick actor…"
Jim "I'll be in my bunk"
Matt "The demon has fled"
A magistrate comes to investigate and approaches JoAnne's samurai because she has the highest honor
Jim "The rest of you are going to hide behind JoAnne's honor"
Lee "How do you know he's a samurai? He hasn't got shit all over him"
Trying some spicy Indian style chips from Canada
Callum "Tastes like spicy drywall"
Then JoAnne noticed the "use by" date was five months ago…
Talking about JoAnne is left handed
Lee "Burn the left handed witch!"
Jim "She's not a witch, she's my wife!"
The party has received reports of multiple sightings of the oni
Lee, looking at the map "Is there a demon quarter listed?"
The NPC warehouse owner is complaining about the damage the demon did
Lee "Did you buy demon insurance?"
Michael rolls a 97 and fails his climbing roll
Lee "What kind of monkey are you?"
Matt "A bad one"
Matt is passing an XP chip to Lee
Matt "You can have the chip when you can take it from my hand…"
Michael's character breaks his second lajatang
Lee "Worst. Weapon master. Ever."
Matt "Stop monkeying around"
The oni is dead
Matt "I cast Sigh of Relief"
Matt and Michael's characters are having a psychic duel
Lee, to Michael "Are you going to break your mind?"
Michael "Is there a late night calzones and healing potion shop?"
Matt "Bring out yer dead"
Lee keeps going on about the party stopping for some sleep
Matt "Who needs sleep when you have honor"
Lee's monk is struck by the Hail of Stone spell and is knocked unconscious
Lee "At last I can get some sleep!"
Matt "Demons run amuck,
Some new heroes will arrive,
All problems will cease"

Beyond the Empire
Hearing about chasing the oni in the last adventure
Kevin "Demons do like to party"
Looking at his new stats, including his relatively low hit points
Kevin "I could do enough damage to kill myself in one round"
Fighting sea trolls, JoAnne hits twice in one round
JoAnne "Got my sea legs, I'm good"
Discussing oriental barbarians
Kevin "They're like regular barbarians, but they do more calligraphy"
Trying to follow the map
Michael "Just point your sword and go that away"
Jim "You're not Inigo Montoya"
Buying supplies to use as gifts to the barbarians
Jo "What should we get as gifts?"
Kevin "Smallpox blankets"
Kevin "And there was much rejoicing"
Jim "You don't have any minstrels this time"
Kevin "Let's go back to town and get one"
Michael "Does anyone have…"
Kevin "Troll Repellent? No, I forgot to ask for that in town"
Planning the attack
Kevin "We could get a giant wooden badger"
Discussing the range of the Iron Scarf spell and that at 15th level, it would reach 210 feet
Chris "And I still wouldn't hit"
The party is attacked by a Wang Liang
Kevin (looking at the monster's picture) "Is that a giant, samurai monkey?"
Kevin "Plan B: Kill the monkey beast"
Lee's monk was hit for 20 points of damage, taking him from full health to six points. Jim was running him as an NPC so the monk withdrew and used his Nightingale tattoo to partially heal himself
Michael "We need to text Lee and tell him in the battle he had to run away and touch himself"

Just a Northern Tomb
Discussing the tattooed monk's new Fire Breath tattoo
Kevin "It doesn't hurt friendlies, right?"
Jim "This is not a video game, friendly fire is <always> set to 'on'…"
JoAnne's samurai has a No-Dachi
Lee <sings> "Pass the No-Dachi to the left hand side"
Fighting a giant beetle
Michael "Why did the beetle cross the road?"
Lee "To get away from the monk"
Comparing how many languages the characters speak
Michael "I can speak Karaoke… I mean Hengeyokai"
The party fights some Bajang spirits, described as "ugly humanoids with clawed hands and bird feet"
Lee "Chicken goblins"
There were a lot of silly names for "chicken goblin" that somehow ended with Lee saying "Turducken"
Callum "Choblins"
Jim "Sounds like something southern; choblins and grits"
The Bajangs' battle cry:
Lee "Bucka Bucka Rawr!!"
Jim "I feel like that needs to be on a t-shirt"
Lee's monk is Cursed and his Intelligence drops to 3
Lee "I roll better Initiative when I'm stupid"
Kevin "My inhuman rage is all I have"
Jim "They are like evil dryads, <spirits> bound to a tree"
Lee "They are treevil"
Kevin "Is that dumb you or smart you?"
Lee "Not much difference really"
Nagai is attempting a purification ritual but Jim had really bad rolls for him
Jim "The shukenja lights a circle of candles around you"
JoAnne "Is he able to complete the spell before he blows out the candles?"
Jim "That's why it took four tries"
Next battle, Lee keeps getting hits, but rolling minimum damage
Lee "The death of a thousand noogies"
Kevin rolls a natural 20, 19 and 16 on three attacks.
Kevin "I don't always roll a 20 and 19…"
Lee <Most Interesting Man in the World voice> "I don't always roll a 20, but when I do…"
Michael hits twice in a round and does 30 points of damage
Lee "What did you use? A sword?"
Michael "My lajatang"
Lee "And it didn't break?"
Discussing spells
Matt "I don't have Charm"
Lee "Don't be so hard on yourself"
In the cave
Kevin "We're really just walking on a giant tongue…"
They find the dead body of a sailor, ritually sacrificed by a Bloodspeaker
Lee "Is the sailor wearing red garments?"
The enemy is sailing away
Lee "If we build a wooden badger boat"
After a comment that JoAnne's samurai is female
Lee "Are you a girl in the game?"

The Emperor's Service
Off to see the Imperial Inquisitor
JoAnne "No one expects the Spanish Inqusition!"
Michael is buying extra arrows to share with everyone
Lee "No one is going to let you touch their arrows, they're just going to snap"
Matt "All expenses paid trip to the Emperor's prison"
Taken to the Imperial Trade offices
Lee "What is this? The Phantom Menace?"
Jim (bad Japanese accent) "Our blockade is perfectly legal"
Matt "Half our party is flammable because they're all drunk on saki"
Discussing the hotel
Jim "The rooms are terrible; the walls are paper thin"
Lee "Sleep number bamboo mat. It has 2 settings: zero and one"
Discussing weapon laws in the capital: no armor, missile weapons, polearms
Matt "Who's got a polearm?"
Michael "That's what she said…"
Mentioning Fight Club
Lee "Just stop talking about it, Jesus…"
Matt "I will take one geisha"
JoAnne "Now, now"
Matt "You're right, I'll take two"
Jim "Just to stomp it out now, there is no geisha training school where you can have one for half price"
Looking for a potion shop
Lee "Does everything have tiger penis in it? I'm allergic to tiger penis"
Matt was talking about opening a magical dry cleaning shop with the Clean and Mend cantrips
Matt "Rico Yakasuave dry cleaners"
The ninjas attack, and Lee starts singing
Lee "Twelve throwing stars, nine ninjas attacking"
Matt "And a ninja hiding in a tree"
Lee "Cloudy, with a chance of ninjas"
Lee "I sneak up fast"
Matt "Worst. Monk. Ever"
Attacked by monsters who look human but have long snake like necks
Matt "Hiss hiss rawr"
Spotting the manor house
Jim "Its only a model"
Lee "Why are there no Japanese bards?"
Matt "Because the Japanese invented karaoke and we know how that turned out"
Circling the last paralyzed monster to stab him like Julius Caesar
Lee "Et tu, Pinky?"

Battle at the Portal
The party is attacked by a giant octopus demon
JoAnne "This sucks"
Lee "It does have suckers"
Michael's Hengeyokai was grabbed by three tentacles, he escaped by shapeshifting into monkey form and slipping free
Jim "It squeezed him so hard he de-evolved back into a monkey!"
Konni runs over to grab his clothes so he can change back
Jim "Everyone is going to be saying 'Look! A monkey is trying to steal his sword, kill it!' "
Callum rolls a "1" on a d20
Lee "Worst. Monk. Ever"
The battlefield is quiet
Lee "This place was dead before…"
The party is attacked by a common oni, a three eyed ogre like monster with a horn growing from its forehead and can spit gobbets of molten copper
Callum "Tri-ogre?"
Lee "Trogre"
JoAnne "Well, it's not a one eyed, one horned flying purple people eater"
Lee "Three eyed, one horned, copper spitting people eater"
Callum's monk dies
Lee "Nnooo!! Kkhhhaaaannnnn…!"