Lee's D&D 5E Quotes

Lost Mines of Phandelver
Phandalin
Comparing that ranged healing spells are weaker than touch spells
Lee "Its the inverse square law; its radiation"
Discussing character selection
Emily "I was going to play a bard because they learn their skills in bard college and I went to school at Bard College"
Going over the rules for how many spells you can learn, versus how many you can cast and getting tongue tied
Lee "You get five spells and can cast five times"
Jim "Three, sir!"
Choosing spells and debating Detect Poison
Raleigh "Detect Poison spell is called hireling"
Kevin "Good thing we have a kobold then"
Raleigh "What season is it?" meaning the time of year.
Lee "Season 1, but we're going to episode 2"
The chair Kevin was sitting in broke, his new nickname is "Chairbreaker"
The tieflings are twins
Emily "We do the Fred and George Weasley thing to confuse people"
Emily was looking at Kevin's character sheet and noticed he had a lot more starting equipment than her character did
Raleigh "Corporate sponsorship"
The bard is not physically impressive, but has a +5 Intimidation bonus
Raleigh "Intimidation can be more than physical, maybe he <the bard> humiliated him in a rap battle"
Looking at the map of an abandoned manor house on a hill with cliffs surrounding it
Emily "How cliffy are those cliffs?"
Lee "They don't look very cliffy"
We had terrible rolls all night, especially Jim who frequently went last and barely hit anything all night
Jim "Nine for initiative"
Lee "That's pretty good for you"
Jim "OW!" clutches chest dramatically "I Lay on Hands to heal myself"
Matt is fighting the guards holding townspeople hostage in cells in the hideout and stabs one with his rapier
Emily "You're going to rape him?"
Matt "Yeah, in a prison no less"
Lee had drawn the map late the night before after playing hockey and Jo spotted some stairs on the map that didn't belong
Lee "Ignore the stairs, I was high"
Jim misses again
Lee "Worst. Paladin. Ever"
Jim "I totally agree, I don't like the 5th edition paladins"
Jim's note: My rolls really sucked. I might have hit 10% of the time.

Cragmaw Castle
Michael's character name is "Borean"
Chris "Boring"
Jim "Sounds Swedish"
Michael "I can't wear chainmail"
Lee "Well, then don't"
The priestess will help, but needs a job done for her first
Jim "Sidequest…"
Picking horses
Kevin "If you roll a 1, you're trying to saddle a cat"
Raleigh "I only steal stuff that doesn't belong to me"
Raleigh was providing music
Emily "This is weird music, its like the end of a corporate training video"
(Mass laughter)
Lee "Thank you for your journey through loss prevention"
Emily looks at the room Lee has just drawn and sees a robot face
Emily "Is this the happy but confused robot map?"
The altar has been desecrated and used to worship an evil goblin god
Lee "Its been repurposed"
The castle map was oddly designed and Lee's drawing on the battlemat did not improve it
Callum "Worst. Castle. Ever."
The druid shapeshifts into a tiger to attack
Kevin "Suddenly, tiger"
Kevin "I cast Bane"
Jim (puts his hand over his mouth) "Mumble, mumble, grr"
The druid in tiger form attacks the enemies; a drow, bugbear and wolf
Emily "You can attack the wolf and fight mammal a mammal"
Checking the unconscious dwarf, someone asks if its the right person
Kevin "The dwarf is in another castle"

The Dragon of Thundertree
We arrived at Lee's house early
Matt "The early fighter gets the XP"
Looking at equipment lists
Raleigh "What's a stab-ling?… Oh, stabling" (for horses)
Lee "Its an apprentice assassin"
Fighting orcs
Lee "Up next is the aptly named Orc #2, or Dave"
Matt discussing using illusions as clothes and walking around naked underneath
Matt "There are dragons in the world and you are concerned with me being able to pee through my clothes?"
Raleigh asks to sign onto Lee's wifi
Lee "There is no wifi in Neverwinter"
Raleigh "What, wizard fidelity?"
Shopping for herbs and spell components, Jim suggests the herbologist/Cheese Shop Sketch crossover
Buying fine clothes
Lee "Every girl's crazy about a sharp dressed bard"
Discussing what kind of creatures Callum's druid can shapeshift into and that kobolds ride dire weasels
Callum "Dire otter, dire beaver, dire moose"
Raleigh's kobold wants to go negotiate with the dragon and somebody mentioned chickens
Jim "Chickens are birds, and descended from reptiles, so they are in the same family"
Matt "Chickens speak Draconic?!"
Jim "Bucka-bucka Rawr!"
Matt casts Dissonant Whisper on the dragon twice
Chris "You should have the title Dragon Whisperer"
Jim "If we both live through this, I will pay to have people in Neverwinter spread the word that that is your name"
JoAnne's character survives the poison gas cloud and someone suggests she has smoker's voice now
Jo "Like Marge Simpson's sisters!"
Michael and Chris' characters die
Chris "Its the first time I ever died"
Raleigh "Most people only die once"
Lee "Ask Callum, he's an expert"

Wave Echo Cave
Lee "When we last left our intrepid band…"
Matt "There were more of us"
Discussing Chris' new character, and how dwarves sound Scottish, but his name sounds like a wrestler's
Matt <deep announcer's voice> "Dorf 'The Dwarf' Mahoney, barbarian wrestler"
Heading to the mines
JoAnne "The Mines of Moria"
Lee "These are not the Mines of Moria. These are worse…"
Michael's new character is a wood elf monk
Matt "Bald and pointy eared is not the way to go through life"
The party has a magic, dwarven battle axe
Jim "Does anyone use axe?"
Emily "Like the body spray?"
Jim "Nnnnooooo"
While gesturing, Lee slams the lid of his wood dice box closed with a thump
Jim "Case closed"
Emily "Is there a pun penalty? A punalty?"
Lee "If there is, you just earned it"
Listening to the strange sounds in the caves
Kevin "Do we hear drums?"
Jim "As long as its not banjos…"
The barbarian goes into rage
Matt "Fear the beard"
The party is confronted by a hovering skull, lit by green flame
Matt "The flying skull of scariness"
Matt "I cast Dissonant Whisper"
Lee "Isn't that a Wham! song? No, Careless Whisper"
The skull retreats
Matt "I'm also the skull whisperer"
After being hit by Fireball, the wounded gather around Kevin's cleric for a Prayer of Healing spell. Kevin rolls 2 1's on 2d8
Jim "Worst. Healer. EVER!"
Matt goes to break down a door and does it easily with a natural 20. On the other side is a room with 5 bugbears
Matt <strikes a flamboyant pose> "What a bitch door. Oh, you're a big fellow; I don't like the looks of you!"
Emily has been trying all night to trigger a wild magic surge. She succeeds and gets Fireball, 8d6 worth, and incinerates 3/4 of the party and most of the bugbears too
Jim, after the game "Emily puts the 'friendly' and 'fire' into 'friendly fire' "
Discussing Iados interrogating the bugbears
Raleigh "Are you the good cop or bad cop?"
Emily "I'm the fabulous cop"
Iados has a penchant for fire magic
Emily "I'm kind of a burninator"
The bard tries to persuade the bugbears to talk
Matt "I will now begin my filibuster until you talk"
Raleigh "This phone book contains a list of names of people who want you to talk…"
The villain may be a drow
Emily "So he's a dark elf"
Lee "He's a delf"
Lee, as a bugbear "He's moving slowly, he's a wise leader"
Raleigh "He's probably constipated"
The party rolls well for stealth to approach a door
Lee "The door has no idea you're coming"
About the half devil tiefling
Jim "Every time you fart, a devil gets its horns"
Listening to a description of the mines
Emily "Its like an abandoned mall"
JoAnne "We did find the food court"
Emily "Mundane Pain sounds like a band name"
Raleigh "Its a Depeche Mode cover band"
The party attacks the wraith, Matt uses Dissonant Whisper again, JoAnne got in the killing blow
JoAnne (Jeff Dunham's Achmed puppet voice) "I keelled it!"
Matt "I was going to taunt him a second time"
The party finds a map in one of the books
Jim "I solemnly swear I am up to no good"
Lee draws a room with contour lines showing a depression
Kevin "What is that, a sarlacc mouth?"
Raleigh rolls a 24 for stealth
Raleigh "I'm on fire!"
Matt, pointing at Emily "She set you on fire"
Michael's monk tries to shove the drow off a cliff, the drow rolls a natural 20 to dodge
Jim "You reach out to shove the drow, instead you caress its back and make him feel uncomfortable"
Kevin "What does a doppelganger look like?"
Raleigh "Looks like a cross between a grey alien and Voldemort"
Raleigh drops the drow wizard and we expect him to turn into a doppelganger
Raleigh "He's not dead yet, keep shooting"