D&D 5E Quotes

Lost Mines of Phandelver
Comparing that ranged healing spells are weaker than touch spells
Lee "Its the inverse square law; its radiation"
Discussing character selection
Emily "I was going to play a bard because they learn their skills in bard college and I went to school at Bard College"
Going over the rules for how many spells you can learn, versus how many you can cast and getting tongue tied
Lee "You get five spells and can cast five times"
Jim "Three, sir!"
Choosing spells and debating Detect Poison
Raleigh "Detect Poison spell is called hireling"
Kevin "Good thing we have a kobold then"
Raleigh "What season is it?" meaning the time of year.
Lee "Season 1, but we're going to episode 2"
The chair Kevin was sitting in broke, his new nickname is "Chairbreaker"
The tieflings are twins
Emily "We do the Fred and George Weasley thing to confuse people"
Emily was looking at Kevin's character sheet and noticed he had a lot more starting equipment than her character did
Raleigh "Corporate sponsorship"
The bard is not physically impressive, but has a +5 Intimidation bonus
Raleigh "Intimidation can be more than physical, maybe he <the bard> humiliated him in a rap battle"
Looking at the map of an abandoned manor house on a hill with cliffs surrounding it
Emily "How cliffy are those cliffs?"
Lee "They don't look very cliffy"
We had terrible rolls all night, especially Jim who frequently went last and barely hit anything all night
Jim "Nine for initiative"
Lee "That's pretty good for you"
Jim "OW!" clutches chest dramatically "I Lay on Hands to heal myself"
Matt is fighting the guards holding townspeople hostage in cells in the hideout and stabs one with his rapier
Emily "You're going to rape him?"
Matt "Yeah, in a prison no less"
Lee had drawn the map late the night before after playing hockey and Jo spotted some stairs on the map that didn't belong
Lee "Ignore the stairs, I was high"
Jim misses again
Lee "Worst. Paladin. Ever"
Jim "I totally agree, I don't like the 5th edition paladins"
Jim's note: My rolls really sucked. I might have hit 10% of the time.

Cragmaw Castle
Michael's character name is "Borean"
Chris "Boring"
Jim "Sounds Swedish"
Michael "I can't wear chainmail"
Lee "Well, then don't"
The priestess will help, but needs a job done for her first
Jim "Sidequest…"
Picking horses
Kevin "If you roll a 1, you're trying to saddle a cat"
Raleigh "I only steal stuff that doesn't belong to me"
Raleigh was providing music
Emily "This is weird music, its like the end of a corporate training video"
(Mass laughter)
Lee "Thank you for your journey through loss prevention"
Emily looks at the room Lee has just drawn and sees a robot face
Emily "Is this the happy but confused robot map?"
The altar has been desecrated and used to worship an evil goblin god
Lee "Its been repurposed"
The castle map was oddly designed and Lee's drawing on the battlemat did not improve it
Callum "Worst. Castle. Ever."
The druid shapeshifts into a tiger to attack
Kevin "Suddenly, tiger"
Kevin "I cast Bane"
Jim (puts his hand over his mouth) "Mumble, mumble, grr"
The druid in tiger form attacks the enemies; a drow, bugbear and wolf
Emily "You can attack the wolf and fight mammal a mammal"
Checking the unconscious dwarf, someone asks if its the right person
Kevin "The dwarf is in another castle"

The Dragon of Thundertree
We arrived at Lee's house early
Matt "The early fighter gets the XP"
Looking at equipment lists
Raleigh "What's a stab-ling?… Oh, stabling" (for horses)
Lee "Its an apprentice assassin"
Fighting orcs
Lee "Up next is the aptly named Orc #2, or Dave"
Matt discussing using illusions as clothes and walking around naked underneath
Matt "There are dragons in the world and you are concerned with me being able to pee through my clothes?"
Raleigh asks to sign onto Lee's wifi
Lee "There is no wifi in Neverwinter"
Raleigh "What, wizard fidelity?"
Shopping for herbs and spell components, Jim suggests the herbologist/Cheese Shop Sketch crossover
Buying fine clothes
Lee "Every girl's crazy about a sharp dressed bard"
Discussing what kind of creatures Callum's druid can shapeshift into and that kobolds ride dire weasels
Callum "Dire otter, dire beaver, dire moose"
Raleigh's kobold wants to go negotiate with the dragon and somebody mentioned chickens
Jim "Chickens are birds, and descended from reptiles, so they are in the same family"
Matt "Chickens speak Draconic?!"
Jim "Bucka-bucka Rawr!"
Matt casts Dissonant Whisper on the dragon twice
Chris "You should have the title Dragon Whisperer"
Jim "If we both live through this, I will pay to have people in Neverwinter spread the word that that is your name"
JoAnne's character survives the poison gas cloud and someone suggests she has smoker's voice now
Jo "Like Marge Simpson's sisters!"
Michael and Chris' characters die
Chris "Its the first time I ever died"
Raleigh "Most people only die once"
Lee "Ask Callum, he's an expert"

Wave Echo Cave
Lee "When we last left our intrepid band…"
Matt "There were more of us"
Discussing Chris' new character, and how dwarves sound Scottish, but his name sounds like a wrestler's
Matt <deep announcer's voice> "Dorf 'The Dwarf' Mahoney, barbarian wrestler"
Heading to the mines
JoAnne "The Mines of Moria"
Lee "These are not the Mines of Moria. These are worse…"
Michael's new character is a wood elf monk
Matt "Bald and pointy eared is not the way to go through life"
The party has a magic, dwarven battle axe
Jim "Does anyone use axe?"
Emily "Like the body spray?"
Jim "Nnnnooooo"
While gesturing, Lee slams the lid of his wood dice box closed with a thump
Jim "Case closed"
Emily "Is there a pun penalty? A punalty?"
Lee "If there is, you just earned it"
Listening to the strange sounds in the caves
Kevin "Do we hear drums?"
Jim "As long as its not banjos…"
The barbarian goes into rage
Matt "Fear the beard"
The party is confronted by a hovering skull, lit by green flame
Matt "The flying skull of scariness"
Matt "I cast Dissonant Whisper"
Lee "Isn't that a Wham! song? No, Careless Whisper"
The skull retreats
Matt "I'm also the skull whisperer"
After being hit by Fireball, the wounded gather around Kevin's cleric for a Prayer of Healing spell. Kevin rolls 2 1's on 2d8
Jim "Worst. Healer. EVER!"
Matt goes to break down a door and does it easily with a natural 20. On the other side is a room with 5 bugbears
Matt <strikes a flamboyant pose> "What a bitch door. Oh, you're a big fellow; I don't like the looks of you!"
Emily has been trying all night to trigger a wild magic surge. She succeeds and gets Fireball, 8d6 worth, and incinerates 3/4 of the party and most of the bugbears too
Jim, after the game "Emily puts the 'friendly' and 'fire' into 'friendly fire' "
Discussing Iados interrogating the bugbears
Raleigh "Are you the good cop or bad cop?"
Emily "I'm the fabulous cop"
Iados has a penchant for fire magic
Emily "I'm kind of a burninator"
The bard tries to persuade the bugbears to talk
Matt "I will now begin my filibuster until you talk"
Raleigh "This phone book contains a list of names of people who want you to talk…"
The villain may be a drow
Emily "So he's a dark elf"
Lee "He's a delf"
Lee, as a bugbear "He's moving slowly, he's a wise leader"
Raleigh "He's probably constipated"
The party rolls well for stealth to approach a door
Lee "The door has no idea you're coming"
About the half devil tiefling
Jim "Every time you fart, a devil gets its horns"
Listening to a description of the mines
Emily "Its like an abandoned mall"
JoAnne "We did find the food court"
Emily "Mundane Pain sounds like a band name"
Raleigh "Its a Depeche Mode cover band"
The party attacks the wraith, Matt uses Dissonant Whisper again, JoAnne got in the killing blow
JoAnne (Jeff Dunham's Achmed puppet voice) "I keelled it!"
Matt "I was going to taunt him a second time"
The party finds a map in one of the books
Jim "I solemnly swear I am up to no good"
Lee draws a room with contour lines showing a depression
Kevin "What is that, a sarlacc mouth?"
Raleigh rolls a 24 for stealth
Raleigh "I'm on fire!"
Matt, pointing at Emily "She set you on fire"
Michael's monk tries to shove the drow off a cliff, the drow rolls a natural 20 to dodge
Jim "You reach out to shove the drow, instead you caress its back and make him feel uncomfortable"
Kevin "What does a doppelganger look like?"
Raleigh "Looks like a cross between a grey alien and Voldemort"
Raleigh drops the drow wizard and we expect him to turn into a doppelganger
Raleigh "He's not dead yet, keep shooting"

Storm King's Thunder
Tower of Zephyros
Callum's character has lots of tattoos
Callum "It was a drunk night decision"
Jim "Every night's a drunk night when you're a barbarian"
A dwarf is looking to hire adventurers
Jim "Last time we took a job from a dwarf we got Fireballed repeatedly"
Valfir is haggling for a short sword and it was suggested he could do a side quest to pay for it
Chmiel "Sign outside says 'We don't accept side quests' "
Lee is playing different background side effects
Lee "Scottish Rain. Because it sounds different than regular rain"
Jim "That's because its whiskey, not water"
Lee "There's Fantasy Sewer"
Jim "No, that's where the tentacle monsters live"
The cloud giant's tower on a cloud approaches
Jim "That's no cloud… its a sky castle"
Astrid shakes hands with the giant
Chmiel "I bet it feels big in my baby hand"
Lee "He goes upstairs and does whatever it is giants do"
Valfir is very excitable and outgoing
Chmiel, to Michael "You're like the little kid in Up!"
The cloud castle is slow
Callum "Are we there yet?"
Discussing the magical properties of pixie dust
Callum "Can I snort it?"

Goblins at Goldenfields
Kevin is looking at his character's spell list
Kevin "It looks like it says 'Steer Storm', but I think its supposed to be 'Sleet Storm' "
Lee "As per usual, I worked on it after hockey"
Jim "That would be a cool spell; cows rain down on your enemies"
Callum "Can I have a Cloak of Flying?"
Lee "Yes, because that will do half my work for me"
Michael is playing an overexcited monk
Kevin "Can you detect traps?"
Jim "Yes, when I push him into them"
Making a History skill check
Kevin "I got a one, do I die?"
The town guard captain is a half-orc, and all the local NPCs assume Callum's half-orc must know him and it comes across racist
Michael "All half-orcs know each other"
The temple has guard bears
Michael "I hug the bear"
Jim "We lose more monks that way"
At the inn, Sir Conlan retires early for prayers and caring for his weapons
Michael <makes quotation marks with his hands> "He's 'polishing his blade' "
Jim "I saw that"
Talking about the battle and how a round is only six seconds
Callum "We killed eight people in six seconds"
Kevin "Well, they looked at us funny"
Kevin's character casts a spell and drops a bad guy
Kevin "I like to do a 'one shot, one kill' policy"
Emily wasn't at the game, Kevin texted her that her character was hit by a javelin
Emily <text> "Are we at the Olympics?"
Lee "Well, the streets of Rio were pretty dangerous"
At the beginning of session two, we had a recap for new players and people who missed the last game
Chmiel "Matt was murdered"
Matt "I got better…"
Matt talking about his bard
Matt "I am the Dragon Whisperer"
Jim, points at Mike "He's a dragonborn"
Mike "Don't whisper in my ear"
Matt "I like scales against my skin and the ones with forked tongues"
Fighting the hill giants, when the first one is severely wounded, it falls down and cries like a baby
Chmiel "What a bitch giant"
The town is under siege
Lee "You hear a twanging noise"
Chmiel "Damn, it's a country band"
Matt "History is written by the victor"
Lee "Who is this Victor and why is he writing history?"
The ogres have backpack catapults lor launching kamikaze goblins
Chmiel "Its wearable tech, part of GoogleSiege"
Erza picks up a short bow and arrows from a fallen guardsman
Chmiel "Sometimes I ride the short bow"
Chmiel was using a mini of a pig farmer, someone suggested he was encumbered by the pig it is carrying
Lee "Enpigered"
Vincent uses Cutting Words on a giant
Jim "Your mother was an ogre!"
Talking about a used record store
MC "It has the most swagalicious lounge"
The incompetent and cowardly town guard captain shows up and tries to take credit for the battle and Sir Conlan verbally blasts him for his cowardice
Jim "My paladin has a problem with local government"

Waterdeep and Old Gnawbone
Lee refers to the dragon expert as a dragon whisperer
Matt "I am the Dragon Whisperer; there can be only one"
Jim "You can challenge him to a rap battle"
Chmiel "Epic Rap Battles of History"
Talking about acolyte Zi Liang
Lee "Since she's being all monkly, well, clericly"
The party turns down a side quest from someone who might be a thief, he says he represents a group of "like minded businessmen"
Kevin "Amway is really good"
Discussing the funeral plans for Iados
Lee "You can make it open bar and these guys <points at Matt, Chmiel and Michael> will show up"
Jim "That will be more than 60 gold"
The party gets a Potion of Superior Healing
Chmiel "Great, it only works on my boss"
Chmiel "I'm tempted to make a joke"
Jim "When has that ever stopped you?"
The group is making jokes about an S&M Build-A-Bear toy with handcuffs and a ball gag
Jim "Welcome to D&D After Dark"
Michael is deciding which enemy to attack
MC "The one with the smallest health bar floating above their head"
Lee is reading the town description for Red Larch
MC "Is this on the billboard?"
Lee "Its the sign on the exit"
The bard is negotiating for a discount
MC "Why don't you just show some tit?"
Matt "Because my tit is hairy. I may be half elf, but the other half is hairy"
Discussing the the town of Goldenfields was attacked by giants and their defensive walls are in poor repair
Matt "We're going to build a wall against the giants"
Lee "We're going to make Faerun great again"
Callum "I just drink and kill"
Kevin "And I'm all out of drinks"
The inn has poorly done paintings and wood carvings of sexual themes and acts made by the halfling owner
Jim "I feel this is the wrong place to ask to buy some livestock…"
Discussing food at the inn, sausage is the house specialty…
MC "Side pasta is testosteroni"
The party faces Old Gnawbone, they give her some gifts which she tucks away, someone asks where
Lee "She has a fanny pack made of elven skin"
The dragon gives them some clues and tells them to get out of her forest
Kevin "Nicest dragon I've seen today"

Fire in the Night
Callum "There's a fine line between street fighting and assault"
Lee "You have crossed off one of the 164 encounters"
MC "Is there a commemorative magnet I can buy?"
The party sees smoke where the town is supposed to be
Jim "Or was"
Kevin "I'm going to assume they're having a BBQ festival"
Discussing spells to fight fires
Jim, to Kevin "Can you make it rain?"
Lee, Mike and MC all do the 'make it rain' gesture
Mike "Gold pieces everywhere"
Talking about the older but attractive female NPC
Mike "Is she trustworthy?"
The party is splitting up to check the giants' tracks and the hole they dug in the center of town
Lee "Team Hole"
Jim "Team Town"
Lee "Team Town Hole"
Describing the tracks
Lee "Even Callum's 1st edition ranger could follow these tracks"
Talking to the dwarven smith
Lee, in character "How can I help ye?"
Jim "All dwarves are Scottish"
Discussing Viking Metal music
Kevin "I didn't know they had electricity"
Jim is running Chmiel's sorceress Astrid and casts Fireball
Jim "Badda Bing, Badda Boom… Fireball!" Rolls massive damage, wiping the orcs from the map
Lee, picking up the orc paper minis "I'm glad I made all these orcs up"
Lee is reading his notes and laughs and giggles
Jim "When the game master laughs, it's too late. And I say that from personal experience"
Callum "Am I going to die?"
Lee moving fire spirits repeatedly "Fire, fire, fire!"
Kevin is discussing Callum's wounded character
Kevin "Do you have a potion of healing?"
Callum "No, I have 14 hit points"
Kevin "Those are unrelated"
Talking about Michael's monkey hengeyokai character from our Oriental Adventures campaign Blood Vengeance
Michael "I just wanted to get one more level and go bananas"
Jim "Bananas?"
Lee "It's like throwing a pie in his face, but the pie is on fire"
Callum's barbarian goes berserk
Jim "Get your rage on"
A couple of PCs are down
MC "It's like Weekend at Bernie's"

The Road to Everlund
Matt and Michael were talking about 12 year olds talking smack in online games
Jim "How can you talk about banging my mom when you don't even have hair on your balls?"
Looking over Kevin's new Countryman Mini, which has a switch start
Jim "Your car has the three switches!"
Lee "Where do you want to go?"
Chmiel "Narnia!"
Trying to decide if the halfling traveller would slow them down too much if they joined the party
Lee "This sounds like a math problem; the halfling has a 25 foot movement, you have a 30 foot move. What time will you catch up to the halfling if he leaves 6 hours before you?"
Matt "The dragon is moving at 140 feet on a dive bombing run"
Michael "It's a chinese dragon"
Matt "I'd be more afraid of an Australian dragon"
Chmiel "Are people from Yartar called Yartards?"
Chmiel is shopping for travel souvenirs, knick knacks and such
Jim "Let's get this over with; do they have any snow globes?"
Michael's monk is being stealthy
Matt "#justmonkthings"
Discussing the monk's overexcited personality
Jim "Chaotic Attention Deficit"
Lee "Chaotic SQUIRRELL!!!"
Lee "Every use of a Fireball by a PC is useful and constructive"
Discussing how attractive the female PCs are
Chmiel "Ever see an elf in pasties?"
Jim "And we're back to D&D After Dark"
Comparing learning spells, Cleric versus Bards
Kevin "My god is superior to your non-god"
Reading over a spell, Matt laughs
Matt "I am going to cause Independence Day"
Kevin "Do you even own a Macintosh?"
MC "I'm really good at listening"
Chmiel "Except when Mike talks"
MC "What?"
MC is afraid the bard's Moonbeam spell will hit her character
Jim "Hopefully the bard won't moon you"
Jim's paladin is short tempered dealing with various PC and NPC foolishness
MC "You need an anger management course"
Jim "Oh no, I manage my anger right where I want it" I forgot to mention the paladin is a red head…
Talking to the Harpers and seeing a group of winged cats
Kevin "Kitties with wings, it was totally worth dying to come here"

Brawling and Entering
Discussing use of the Harper's teleport portal network and that they can't take horses, they would need to sell their horses and buy new ones each time
Chmiel "There's no Enterprise?"
Lee "Rent-A-Horse? There used to be, but they went out of business because no one ever brought the horses back; they got eaten"
Jim "Extra deposit for half-orcs"
Lee "Callum is used to that"
Talking to the Harpers about the clues from the dragon
Kevin "Are they impressed we talked to a dragon?"
Lee "You did impress them…"
Kevin "We're dumber than they thought"
Discussing travel to Bryn Shander, and there's no good direct route
Lee "You could go through the mountains" The mountains are high and snowy
Jim "No, I saw The Fellowship of the Ring"
Discussing the name and appearence of the Tressym winged cat
Michael "His name is Snowflake; he's yellow"
At the fighting tournament, after Skamos puts down 10 gold at 5-1 odds on Talik
Lee "In this corner, our reigning champion…"
Callum "Oh, shit"
Kevin "I didn't hear that before"
Astrid uses Suggestion a lot to get her way and influence people
MC "You don't need Suggestion with a rack like this"
Lee "You need to have a boob off"
Jim "I'll put gold down on that"
Searching the clothes in the tower
Kevin "Is the clothing evil?"
Lee "Nothing from Hot Topic"
Fighting the guards
Kevin, to Callum "Are the guards orcs? Maybe you know them"

Sword of the Father
Chmiel is going to be late
Lee "He can catch up, he's used to that"
Jim "He's used to being behind the eight ball"
Michael "The nine ball"
The party moved into colder terrain and season and the white dragonborn is more comfortable. We discussed his body odor smells like wintergreen, he pisses spearmint, etc.
Approaching Zymorven Keep, the keep is on defensive high ground
Kevin "Uh oh, it has the higher ground; don't attack"
Discussing the mix of races in Yartar
Jim "There are more tieflings than Mirialans"
Lee says the party's journey goes through the Nether Mountains
Mike "Nether Regions?"
Lee "There's a path"
Mike "I'm sure there is…"

Eye of the All Father
The light switch in Lee's basement was flakey
Ramona <Lee's wife> "If you wiggle it, it turns on"
Jim "That's what she said"
Discussing the giant Harshnag's history as a mercenary for Waterdeep
Jim "He's the Brute Squad"
Campfire stories with Harshnag
Lee, as giant "You ever have sex with walrus? Tusks to grab on to, very robust"
Talking about the chance to meet orcs
Mike "We have a half orc; he probably knows them"
Trying to read Callum's writing on his character sheet, we thought we saw "Flying Cot" and "Disturbing Poutine"
Kevin "I want to ride into battle on my flying cot and rage"
Lee "And throw disturbing poutine at them"
The barbarian rages, but Kevin rolls a botch and loses the next attack
Jim "Premature axulation"
Kevin rolls again, another botch and a 3
Lee "Now we know why the barbarian never rages; he's a total spaz"
Mike "He's got rage anxiety"
Kevin and Mike had the worst die rolls, it seemed for a while that every 3rd or 4th roll was a botch. For a couple of rounds, half their rolls were botches.
Kevin's cleric crushes a gargoyle with his warhammer
Lee "Hammer time"
Jim "I spent the whole battle trying not to say that."
The dead gargoyle's eyes glow blue as it delivers a warning of vengeance
Jim "I am not impressed; Tyr is with me"
Mike <slow golf clap>
Lee "All you hear are the snow crickets"
The entrance to the temple is across a long stone bridge
Kevin "We better not see a Balrog"
Mike's ranger extends his senses and detects something draconic nearby
Mike "Not myself, right?"
Lee <sings and rubs his nipples> "When I think about it, I sense myself"
The side rooms are lit by fires burning in wall sconces
Jim "I throw my name in the Goblet of Fire"
Lee is digging in his toy and miniature jar, looking for something special
Mike "Please be a tree, please be a tree"
The enemy has a baby white dragon
Kevin, to Mike "So this is your cousin?"
Lee is doing a Russian accent for the giant Harshnag and starts using it for the barbarians too
Jim "The barbarians are Russian too?"
Lee "I don't have another northern accent, I don't want them to sound like the Swedish Chef"
Jim "Canadian?"
Erza strikes the barbarians and dances away
Lee "Ouch! Come back here, you hoser!"
Jim "We're fighting Bob and Doug Mckenzie"
Harshnag is trying to lift the stone block sealing the passage and failing
Jim "We'll just have to get a new giant"
Describing the large room with the statues
Lee "A gigantic area… literally"
Looking at the runes at the archway
Kevin "If we say 'Speak friend, and enter' in elvish we'll be fine"
They ask Harshnag to touch the Frost giant's rune
Jim "We lose more giants that way"
The giant is sent to grab the magic axe from the statue
Lee, as giant "I love grab axe"
Looking at monster stats
Lee "Ooh, that's a lot of hit points"
Trying to figure out how to stop the giants' civil war and their attacks on other races
MC "Isn't there a better way to make things better?"
Discussing the battle with the remorhaz last week
Kevin "I was excited to see Callum swallowed"
Kevin "I cast Sacred Flame"
Lee (French accent) "Sacre Flam!"
MC made a comment about a training video about STDs and all the infected vaginas she saw
Lee "When you work in health care, you watch porn just to see what normal genitals look like"
Finding the ice spiders' nest web of frozen web strands
MC "Its so cold, my nipples could cut through these"
The baby spiders swarm the party
MC "Are they stompable?"
Kevin "This is like making wine"
Discussing not being sure where the spiders are
Lee "Heisenberg's Spider Uncertainty Principle"
A strange flying boat with sleigh runners appears in the sky
Kevin "Is it Christmas?"
MC does Sneak Attack and rolls 5d6; four ones and a two
Lee "Worst. Rogue. Ever"

Raven Rock
Lee has upgraded his initiative markers with character pictures
Lee, to Michael "I couldn't find a dark skinned monk picture, so I whitewashed you"
Telling Callum what he missed while he was away at college
Lee "You were eaten by a remorhaz"
Jim "Fortunately it died in the same round"
Kevin "Probably because it ate you"
Waiting to face the blue dragon
Michael "If something happens… delete my browser history"
Discussing continuing to accept the dragon cultists' aid
Michael "Be prepared for their sudden and inveitable betrayal"
Sliding the Bag of Holdingover one end of the bone relic, so it all fits in the bag
Lee "Its going in, its taking it all"
Jim "That's what she said"
Chmiel "We're boning her"
Callum is concerned about how many times he can go into rage
Kevin "We have never run out of rages"
Realizing the party has been bitten by werewolves
Jim "We have an issue here"
Chmiel "Dances with Wolves?"
The priest in Neverwinter pronounces the party is safe
Chmiel "I cry Tyrs of joy"

Hill Giants' Hold
Lee has his DM shields in a three sided barrier at his end of the table
Jim "I see you have a curtain wall around your position"
Lee "Like our president. Well, your president"
Jim "The president. I don't think any of us here want to claim him"
Discussing a route for the airship to avoid being spotted
Mike "The hills may have eyes"
MC "I was going to say that, you jerk"
Arriving at town and seeing the wanted poster for hill giants
Mike "I look down for the railroad tracks"
Discussing the reward money for chasing hill giants who are stealing cattle
Mike "Moo-lah"
Talking about what hill giants find attractive, which seems to be big and fat
Jim "I don't want to see the BangBus episode for that"
Overplanning the attack
Lee "You guys are doing a good job of overplanning and I'm not even involved"
Summing up the last session for Kevin, talking about the werewolf bitten characters
Jim "We took everyone to Neverwinter to be purged, so we didn't have to purge them the hard way"
Lee "Is that what we're calling it?"
The party opened the raid with a Fireball on the orc camp
Kevin, to Callum "Did you know those orcs?"
Callum "I went to high school with one of them"
Lee puts down numbered pennies for bad guys
Chmiel "You'd save money if you used Canadian pennies"
The Sleet Storm spell only lasts for a round
Chmiel "It was over in a sleeting moment"
The party delivers the first hit on the enemy
Kevin "Nice; we're almost done"
Alaric goes to zero hit points
Chmiel "He's only mostly dead"
Astrid taunts the hobgoblins
Chmiel "Motherfucker!"
Lee, as hobgoblin "Stupid elves, you don't fuck your mother? You don't know what you're missing"
Trying to count up the number of bad guys, it was a few days before Christmas
Jim "Four hobgoblins, five ogres… Wait, we're doing this wrong. Twelve goblins…groping, eleven hobgoblins humping… No, that's wrong too"
In the first two fights, Kevin rolled a 1 for initiative both times. So he was concerned about his third roll
Kevin "I got a 1, but its followed by a 3, so that's ok"
Discussing attacking the hill giant's keep
Chmiel "We could pose as SkipTheDishes and bring some cows"
Lee called a goblin she, then changed it to he. There was some protest that the goblin could be female
Michael "Goblin #4, who sexually identifies as a potato"
There were a couple bags of potato chips, blocking Lee's view of the map
Lee <sings> "I can see clearly now, the chips are gone"
Astrid yells "We killed Gahk!" to try to demoralise the giants
Kevin "They just hear 'Meow meow Gahk' "
Michael spends a Ki point to have his monk catch an arrow and throw it back and kill a goblin
Chmiel "It was a ki play"
One of the magic items is a small glass sphere
MC "A Remembrall"

Court of the Giants
Before the game, Jim asked the party what they wanted to do next which started a series of incredibly NSFW raunchy texts
Talking about hill giants not being smart
Lee "Not being the sharpest tack in… Whatever you keep tacks in"
Lee "You murdered the only hill giant who could tell you that"
Jim "Oops"
Mike "Did we do that?"
One of the scrolls has Nystul's Magic Aura
Michael "Good old Nystul. He was a pedophile. So was Bigby"
Jim "What do you think he was doing with his hand?"
Valfir uses his Ring of Invisibility
Kevin "It's the One Ring, you've got to watch out for it"
The monk is spying, but is hampered by his average intelligence
Kevin "We sent our best man on this job"

Workin' on a Mystery
Discussing Astrid's alignment and attitudes, Chmiel says she's a hot mess, Jim says more Chaotic then Good or Evil.
Lee "Chaotic Hot Mess is not an alignment"
Chmiel "It only gets me in trouble most of the time"
Trying to find out Tholtz's location from the oracle, they can learn where he is now, but not where he will be
Lee "Heisenburg's Prophecy Uncertainty Principle"
Lee describes the dwarven citadel as similar to the Mines of Moria, but clean and populated with dwarves. It has been conquered by orcs twice and reclaimed by the dwarves
Kevin "There's still a balrog somewhere"
Jim "We're not taking a side quest"
Getting good clothes out to visit the dwarven court
Chmiel "I'm scrubbing out the mustard stains"
Lee "Is that what we're calling it now?"
The PCs leave the dwarven court
Lee "All right, all dicks have been sucked"
Talking to the oracle again and discussing where the answers lead to
Chmiel "Follow the metal rails through the forest…"
Lord Kasper Drylund is the owner of the riverboat casino
Kevin "Sounds cool, <he> probably has a fez"
Mike's made up history for Alaric and Skamos introduces himself as Erky Timbers, a puppet maker like his father Gepetto and his mother Pinochio, which lead to a lot of puppet puns.

Squid Island
Astrid's former ship is the Crimson Maiden
Jim "Its always that time of month on the ship"
Looking up how difficult it is in 5E to magically communicate with someone you don't know
Lee "There seem to be magical laws against cold calling"
They couldn't find any Potions of Water Breathing
Mike "How about gillyweed?"
Sir Conlan looks for a poor quality cloak to conceal his armor
Chmiel "Get a mexican poncho!"
Jim "And a bottle of Tequila"
Lee "And a sombrero?"
Jim "That's what's hiding my helmet"
The party arrives at the High Tide tavern at midday
Jim "They're only half-drunk"
At some point, the phrase "balls deep" was thrown out and it became the theme for the evening
Lee "Bang Bus 16: Balls Deep"
The Red Rock islands are a place a ship might stop to give the crew a break or have a barbecue
Mike "Barrrbecue"
Astrid seduces the bosun
Lee "Bang Bus 17: Dykes on the Sea"
And bizarre ocean based venereal diseases
Mike "I've got squids; I'm shooting ink"
Talking about the lack of variety in the town's few shops
Lee "They sell bread and rope, it's just bread and rope"
Jim "I've got wheat for sheep"
Someone suggested the hammer store is in the next town
Michael "The only problem is the hammer and nail stores are 20 miles apart"
Discussing options
Jim "The other thing to do would be to sail away"
Lee <sings> "Come sail away, come sail away with me"
Chmiel "I knew that was coming"
Valfir is looking for the priest's house
Mike "Look for the one with all the little boys running out"
Astrid uses the Bag of Tricks and gets a tiger
Lee "Suddenly, tiger"
Passing close to the second port, how close should they come?
Jim "Sail casual"
Discussing the limitations of a Divination spell
Lee "Terms and conditions may apply"
The party is hidden in the hills above the villages
Lee "You have the high ground, so in any conceivable fight you would win"
Discussing what may happen while the party lays low waiting for the ritual
Kevin "Nothing's going to happen up here; it's too nice of an island"
Counting the number of crew on the ship
Jim "How many do you think you could handle?"
One of the crew charges Talik after he has killed a monster and some of the other crew
Jim "Boy, are you dumb"

Dragon Showdown
Discussing cosplay and how many people would get a "Father Guido Sarducci" Star Wars mashup costume of Father Greedo Sarducci
Kevin "Sixteen year olds only pay attention to anime costumes"
Lee "And big boobs"
Kevin "That's pretty much the same"
Lee "There's a lot of overlap of those circles"
Everyone got the same mental picture and started to laugh
Lee "I didn't mean it that way"
Discussing hunting down the kraken "god" Slarkrethel
Kevin "I don't believe in squid gods"
Chmiel "Squids should be eaten, not worshipped"
Jim "We'll be serving calamari for a long time"
Trying to read the squid worshippers' unholy book
Kevin, to Chmiel "If you turn undead, I will dispatch you"
Shopping at the magic store
Kevin "He's got a spear and magic helmet"
The dragon's lair is in the desert beyond the abandoned dwarven city Ascore
Chmiel "Ass Corp?"
Lee "Bang Bus 19: Ass Corp"
Jim can't remember the name of the red dragon the cultists follow
Michael "The metagaming pigeon flies by <squawking> 'Klauth, Klauth' "
The party is given Potions of Giant Size
Jim "I have a vision of each of us trying to drink a keg"
Describing the potions
Lee "It lasts for 24 hours…" Starts to snicker
Jim "Is it blue?"
Trying to decide if the party would sneak in or just charge into a frontal assault
Kevin "Is someone going to Leeroy Jenkins this up?
Lee "The king wants to"
Kevin "Hekaton Jenkins!"
Preparing for battle
Lee "Talik is sharpening his axe with his tongue"
Discussing the evil languages of Infernal versus Abyssal
Callum "One is Kanye <West> backwards, the other is the Beatles backwards"
Alaric uses Primeval Sense and detects a dragon, undead and demons
Mike "We have a buffet of evil"
Alaric knocks a yuan-ti into the pit
Lee "This is Sparta!"
Astrid contacts Valfir with a Message spell and he says he's fighting elementals, needs help.
Mike "He's fine, he's eating kelp?" and so on…
Kevin rolls a 1 for initiative AGAIN
Lee "If this was Firefly, and your character had a complication, it would be narcolepsy"
The key to the storm giants' throne is whipping around inside the air elemental's whirlwind
Kevin "Grabbing the key sounds really dumb, so I want to see you do it"
Micheal has to leave early so Jim finished the battle with Valfir. When an elemental was slain and the coins began to rain down
Jim "Valfir opens the Bag of Holding to catch the gold"
Astrid fires a Firebolt at an air elemental and misses
Lee "You missed air…"
A song like a Gregorian chant comes on the background music
Kevin "There's a chorus singing our death song"

Mike's "The Sunless Citadel"
Caite "Why do I have a dating app on my character sheet?" It was a tinder box…
Chmiel kept mispronouncing rapier, making it sound like "raper" and Caite was confused so Marcus explained it was a kind of fencing sword
Caite "I know what a fencing sword is, I didn't know what a 'raper' was"
Jim "A Hollywood producer?"
Chmiel stabs an enemy in the chest for max damage with his rapier
Chmiel "I give him a reverse zipper tits!"
Everyone "WHAT?!?"
Chmiel explained that it was his dad's friend's term for his nasty open heart surgery scar
Lee "Bang Bus 12: Zipper Tits"
Mike describes the boss villains, including the evil sorceress
Lee "She sounds kind of sexy"
Jim "She's not trustworthy"